Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

He called me the c word

48 replies

mum19821985 · 04/08/2015 15:08

My husband called me the C word!

Just posting on here as I really need some advice. Two weeks ago my oh and I had an argument about my mil and her taking our little one for longer than she's supposed to. Mil doesn't want to give our DS back it seems. When she is supposed to have him overnight, one night turns into 2 or 3 nights. She always says she's out of signal, can't answer her phone or that DS has fallen asleep so she'd better have him another night. What's supposed to be one night turns into 3 nights! I work during the day so want to see him when I get home. Oh and I fell out over this, I got mad and made him go and get DS. He then turned up with mil in tow, she stopped the night. Oh came upstairs and said DS will sleep on the couch with mil. This is when I lost it, yelled at him, I had bad pmt at this point, he responded by saying very quietly " you c@nt". I responded by calling a lot of names and I'm ashamed to say swearing a lot. He appologised straight away and has been nothing but apologetic ever since. I am finding it very hard to forget what he called me and I'm not sure where we go from here. We are going to Relate soon.

OP posts:

CarrieLouise25 · 04/08/2015 16:41

Don't worry about the swearing.

DO worry about your MIL. That is unacceptable. You are the mother, you make the decisions, and your DH and MIL need to start respecting you and your decisions.

No more overnight stays. Your DH needs to support you. Grandparents who act like they're the parents...alarm bells.

Good luck x

Bubblesinthesummer · 04/08/2015 16:43

So he used the c word and you swore and shouted derogatory names at him. What names did you use?

Both as bad as each other tbh.

MIL is an issue and you need to have a serious talk with DH about it.

Offred · 04/08/2015 16:46

On the face of it maybe but he called her a cunt for what reason? Because she was not accepting his mother interfering and taking over in a really unreasonable way.

She called him whatever she did because she was quite justifiably angry at being called a cunt in a situation where she was feeling threatened and defensive.

Once stuff descends to that level it's pretty toxic but it's hardly six of one half a dozen of the other her is it?!

goddessofsmallthings · 04/08/2015 16:46

I can't allow myself to forgive him

In failing to recognise that you have also behaved 'unforgivably' you are in serious danger of cutting your nose off to spite your face, honey.

Conciliation is the ony way to restore harmony in these situations and it's to be hoped that, if you won't act on the advice of voices of reason here, you'll listen to a Relate counsellor and modify your behaviour accordingly.

Penfold007 · 04/08/2015 16:46

OP see your doctor and sort out your PMT. As for the name calling you are as bad as each other.
Stop using MIL as free childcare.

Taylor22 · 04/08/2015 16:48

The MIL issue is massive and needs to be addressed.

I honestly don't rate C**t any worse than any other swearing insults that I bet you used.

LilyMayViolet · 04/08/2015 16:50

Your Dh obviously won't stand up to his mother. I had the same problem with my ex p. She is overstepping the boundaries in a big way and if he won't recognise this then it's going to be very difficult. I would agree at your thoughts on the c word. It's particularly vile.

Offred · 04/08/2015 16:51

I'm not sure I'd want to reconcile with someone who supported his mother's crazy behaviour over me objecting the crazy behaviour.

I mean WTAF she invited herself for a sleepover because you wanted DS home after two days more than you agreed to of being at hers and then she demanded to have him sleep on the couch - an unsafe and uncomfortable place to sleep with someone who is not his parent? That is completey inappropriate behaviour on her part and if a parent can't see that (mother or not) I absolutely would doubt his parenting abilities and sanity.

Offred · 04/08/2015 16:53

It's not the word cunt that would bother me but the lack of awareness, support and the use of any derogatory word to me when he refused to see the actual problem was his mother.

Joysmum · 04/08/2015 17:03

It's not the word cunt that would bother me but the lack of awareness, support and the use of any derogatory word to me when he refused to see the actual problem was his mother

I agree.

It needs a discussion when there's no situation in an attempt to find agreement.

Shouting and swearing in the argument saw them equally badly behaved and that's not helped.

Really hope you can put you point across mum

I think your best bet is to untangle your lives. Stick with visits to her and don't use her for childcare. Just hope your DH can see that.

pocketsaviour · 04/08/2015 17:47

OP, this book may help you formulate a strategy with regards to MiL:
Toxic In-Laws

Her behaviour sounds over the top to me and it's clear your H has trouble standing up to her.

DrMorbius · 04/08/2015 17:58

I was so upset when he called me that word. I find it so hard to forget it. My immediate reaction was to call him names in return

Yes I used to be like that, then I went to high school and left all that type of behaviour behind me. And to think you have a DC

winkywinkola · 04/08/2015 18:28

Bet your mil relished the row.

ShebaShimmyShake · 04/08/2015 18:41

Of course he should not have called you that name. That was very wrong and unacceptable.

But he did apologise immediately and has been apologetic ever since. That's the right response to the wrong action. He knows it was unacceptable.

He's obviously stressed about the MIL situation like you are, but more torn as he is between two women he loves. The MIL issue sounds more like the crux of the problem than the horrible name he called you when you were arguing about it. He probably felt torn and that he could do no right between you and his mother, and that was the only way he felt able to express it in the heat of the moment. That is absolutely NOT an excuse to call you that, but it may provide a little context that makes it more forgivable, since he apologised at once and has not done it again.

The MIL issue is the real problem here...the name is just a side effect of that. If you have an otherwise good relationship, I think it is worth finding a solution to the MIL problem, and trying to forgive him for what he said.

Inexperiencedchick · 04/08/2015 20:43

No matter what he called you, it was up to to reply back or just be quite.
You are offended by what he called you, he might exactly be offended by your words and behaviour.
He apologized, what about you? Did you apologize yourself?
He understands that he crossed the line in calling you "c@nt" and that his behaviour caused a verbal response from your side.
What you probably should do is to sit down and talk in a very calm manner. But first apologize the same way as he did for your own behaviour as well.
Then set up some boundaries for your MIL. You have to be team here, not fall apart.
He seems soft heart as he cant say "no" to his mother and doesn't know how to make peace between the both of you.
Please don't argue over the things you can sort out by discussion.

Original poster

mum19821985 · 04/08/2015 20:51

He always says that he feels like he is stuck in the middle and is always trying keep both me and mil happy. Mil does not respect boundaries and is over our house morning noon and night some days. We have to sit down and have a calm discussion about us being a united front and about setting boundaries for mil.

OP posts:

Original poster

mum19821985 · 04/08/2015 20:54

We have an otherwise good relationship and were even talking about ttc again a few weeks ago. As I have said our relationship is good but the mil situation puts strain on our relationship

OP posts:

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 04/08/2015 21:31

As so many people have said before, your problem is not with your Mil, your problem is with your dh. He needs to set her some boundaries. He does not have to keep you both happy, you are his priority.

Original poster

mum19821985 · 04/08/2015 21:48

Yes you are all right. I have always felt like he puts her needs before mine. He is scared of upsetting her and always tries to keep her happy. He's told he he feels like he's too reliant on her and we are always much happier when we both stand on our own two feet, not having to rely on her. She can be toxic and caused a scene at our wedding/refuses to speak to my parents etc

OP posts:

springydaffs · 04/08/2015 22:08

Bloody hell, talk about missing the point!

You have this, frankly, deranged, poisonous woman stealing your kid from right under your nose, oh supporting her in said theft, and posters are raising eyebrows that you swore like a banshee in the face of this terriifying threat. FFS!

Bloody MENTAL to strain at gnats when this heinous thing is happening. I'd swear like a banshee if my kid was being stolen in broad daylight and my partner was facilitating it. It's not the time to be naice; take no notice of the head girls on here.

OK, you don't like the word cunt, fair enough, but by far the more alarming thing is what this terrifying woman is doing. AND that your oh isn't getting what she is doing. Read toxic in-laws (linked by pp), get your oh to read it - but above all get that woman away from your boy - even if it means you lose your oh into the bargain if that's what it takes.

This is seeks now op!

springydaffs · 04/08/2015 22:10

serious! This is SERIOUS op.

schlong · 04/08/2015 22:30

Get that mad mil away from your Ds. Stop fixating over being called a cunt and start getting angry over your oh and mil totally disrespecting you. Unbelievable.

goddessofsmallthings · 04/08/2015 22:31

he feels like he's too reliant on her and we are always much happier when we both stand on our own two feet

In which case you must sit down with him and calmly discuss ways in which he can become more self-reliant and the pair of you can stand united in whatever boundaries you see fit to impose on her.

If she's in your home 'morning, noon, and night', one of you is letting her in and that has to stop. If she has a key to your home, take it off her or change the locks.

If you don't want your ds to stay overnight with her, don't take him to see her unless one of you can remain throughout the duration of the visit and return home with him at the end of it. .

If she tries to override your boundaries you should give consideration to going no contact with her, but it may be that your dh will need time to wean himself off his dm's toxic milk, so to speak, before he's able to be totally ruthless with her.

Does she live alone or is there a fil on the scene? Is your ds her first dgc?

Flip

1 2