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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Is this a red flag?

104 replies

Tryingtokeepalidonit · 26/07/2015 20:25

I was widowed 41/2 years ago and met my partner 1 year ago. a few weeks ago he moved in with me. All fine so far. I have 3 DC the younger 2 are at uni both doing Medicine so home less that some other subjects perhaps. All three like him.

Friday, DS (21) came back from four weeks working in an orphanage in Asia. I naturally was delighted to see him and did the normal mum stuff, cooking favourite meals, sorting his washing and just chatting. DP has become visibly irritated by this and this afternoon when DS and I were joking as we tidied up after lunch, to which DP's mother and 2 DD came, said "I am fucking well going out whilst you ignore me for fucking golden boy".

I think I will tell him to move out. He isn't fully unpacked and the tenant has not yet moved into his house because he was having it decorated first. My children will always come first and my reaction made me realise whilst I like him and enjoy his company ( and the sex is good) I don't actually love him and would rather be alone than bring conflict like this into the home. AIBU?

OP posts:

Report

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 27/07/2015 09:28

Well done. And I feel sorry for his DD, for whom this seems to be normalised

tallwivglasses · 27/07/2015 09:41

Run the next one by the dog first!

FredaMayor · 27/07/2015 09:45

He wasn't kind to your dog? For me that in itself would have been a dealbreaker. And now that you have your physical and emotional space back, enjoy it, I'm certain your dog will!

FredaMayor · 27/07/2015 09:45

Sorry, tallwivglasses, crosspost.

ShortandSweeter · 27/07/2015 09:51

is he a man? definitely get rid of him.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 27/07/2015 09:52

PS : He disliked the smell of coffee?!? Hangin's too good for that varmint.

Here, have a

pictish · 27/07/2015 09:56

Don't be a dick Short.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/07/2015 10:02

Well done from me too.
Good to see such decisive action and putting kids first (even if they are adults they are still our babies)
I hate coffee but the smell is soooo good.
Onwards and upwards.

Tryingtokeepalidonit · 27/07/2015 10:04

I don't want to blacken his character too much - it will be the talk of the village and I expect there are other mumsnetters here. He was never unkind to the dog it was more the dog just didn't take to him. I couldn't read too much into that - he didn't like my mum either and she was lovely!

OP posts:

Goodbetterbest · 27/07/2015 10:13

Well done Tryingtlkeep. I take my hat off to you.

Onwards!

Damnautocorrect · 27/07/2015 10:34

A proper partner would have gone into the kitchen and gone "go on, I'll tidy up you go and sit with golden boy "

Any normal adult would recognise your need to welcome him back and turn into mother hen, they would do what they can to help and support you.

You did the right thing, I'm impressed with your swift decision and actioning.

FabULouse · 27/07/2015 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AskBasil · 27/07/2015 10:36

The dog didn't take to him because s/he sensed your discomfort, which you yourself hadn't consciously realised was there.

You may well have done his DD a favour here btw - by acting so decisively, you've shown her that her father's behaviour isn't normal and reasonable and you may have planted a little seed of doubt about his behaviour.

Well done!

CopaBanana · 27/07/2015 11:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tryingtokeepalidonit · 27/07/2015 11:13

Just had a phone call from him asking if it was safe for him to come home. I asked if he had hired a van for the rest of his stuff and he started laughing saying "that's a good one". After I explained I was serious he then told me he would give me today to calm down and would be back tomorrow. In the end I told him his stuff would be delivered to his mother's at six tonight or to his house if he would be there. Then he picked up that I wasn't messing and started being rude so I rang off and am now ignoring the phone. DS has gone to borrow a van and get some friends to help load it. Fortunately there isn't much unpacked most is still in cases/boxes.

There is no point 'working' on it because I have realised I don't love him and I am not prepared to live with an angry person. I do get angry but it is about issues - FGM, child cruelty etc. Personal abuse has always been a no no for me, it was not part of my childhood (except with my siblings) or my marriage. At work I am known for jumping on it by the pupils. As I said before when you know what a good relationship is you are not going to compromise. I would rather live with my happy memories.

People moan about Mumsnet being nasty but I have found it really helpful. Firstly by writing it all down it helps clarify your thoughts but also by the reassurance that I am not alone in thinking this was unacceptable. After all you have a right to live to your own standards and shouldn't have to compromise in your own house.

I have to act immediately because I am off to Italy at the weekend and am looking after my godchildren during the day all this week so I am not drawing out fuss and bother. Interestingly when I told my friend when she dropped the kids off she thought I was a bit OTT but I don't always like the way her DH speaks to her so I suppose that's the way of the world.

DS has just come in with some mates and a load of seafood. DP was allergic to shellfish!

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 27/07/2015 11:19

You don't throw him out solely because of the way he spoke to you, but because It was part of a wider pattern of anger issues, and you realised you didn't love him, and didn't want to live with it.

This weekend may have been the catalyst, it's not the cause.

ElkeDagMeisje · 27/07/2015 11:20

Has he given up his own place OP?

Why do this type of men always seem to move into the woman's house?

I agree theres no going back from a comment like that. Not that it would have made it any better, but you would think basic manners of being relatively new in someone's house would have made him hold back the rude comments for a bit longer. Imagine how he would behave once he really settled in!

pictish · 27/07/2015 11:21

Absolutely. Good for you OP. Bloody good for you!

Twinklestein · 27/07/2015 11:21

Didn't not don't ^

DowntownFunk · 27/07/2015 11:25

Lucky escape there, well done.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/07/2015 11:26

he then told me he would give me today to calm down
Fantastic - this seems to just about sum him up.
Seriously impressed with you though.

DowntownFunk · 27/07/2015 11:28

he then told me he would give me today to calm down

I read this bit after I posted. What a fucking, fucking cheek.

I'm glad you've kicked him out.

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DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 27/07/2015 11:33

He was jealous of you happy to see DS home safe and well with lots to catch up on and after all the other signs finally revealed his true colours. Of course your DS should not feel guilty! Even the dog knew he was a wrong 'un! Goodbye and good riddance.

And if your friend can't see why you acted so promptly and decisively I am afraid her judgment is blurred by what she puts up with in her own life.

pictish · 27/07/2015 11:42

No matter what his issue is surrounding your son (which is a total turn off on it's own accord), the bottom line is; he feels perfectly entitled to speak to you like shit should the notion take him and should you protest, the problem becomes yours and you need to calm down.

Gosh. Scary.

ariana1 · 27/07/2015 11:46

Bravo! Yes I'm really impressed by your reaction too - I would always put my children first.

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