Cotton forgot how to maintain her dignity

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Today I let myself down

For 18 months, I have maintained my dignity.

My very STBXH left me for OW after we lost 2 babies and young children in our families after saying that if he stayed with me, there would always be drama!!

Tonight, I finally lost my rag and emailed him to tell him that he had an awful body and really, really bad breath and that his OW was only with him for his money.

He didn't reply.

I am one step away from my Absolute.

I let myself down - please, please make me feel a little better. This is my first wobble towards him and I hate myself for admitting it. Help me?

[SunshineBossaNova]

I'm impressed by your restraint OP. More from me.

I finally let rip at abusive XH earlier this year on FaceBook when I deleted him and he had the temerity to ask why. I felt like a shit for ages (despite divorcing him in 2003 for being an abusive arse) but, in hindsight, I'm glad i finally told him his fortune. And, as a bonus, he no longer contacts me.

for your future.

[minkGrundy]

I totally understand why you feel.a bit deflated. I always feel a bit annoyed when I stoop.

But marina has it spot on But at the end of the day you're a lovely, cool person who's just had a brief wobble whereas he's a shit EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK.

Part of what makes you the better person is you have the grace to feel shame when you let yourself down and the dignity to know that it was a bit childish.

A lesser person would have said it long before and many times and felt no remorse.

Put down the big stick and stop beating yourself up.
Hope you feel better after your surgery.
You will definitely feel better ehen you have had the unnecessary appendage that is stbxh excised.

[handfulofcottonbuds]

I woke this morning and instantly had a sense of dread.

Why did I do that?

I am so close and I might have jeopardised my settlement with stupidity.

Plus, I don't even want him thinking I still care because I don't.

Yes, the big stick I'm beating myself with hasn't been put down just yet

[Skiptonlass]

Put the stick down....

Everyone, and I mean everyone, has said things they regret the next day. We are human, and you sound incredibly restrained to me. 18 months of restraint, followed by one blip? That's Olympic gold levels of good behaviour.

Besides, imagine him sitting across from his solicitor sharing that... Solicitor sniffing and thinking "well, she has a point..." :)

[HellKitty]

However much Lynx he puts on, sucks his gut in, decides to brush his teeth, get OW to reassure him...he's always going to wonder whether he does smell

Job done!

I have a huge list in my head of what I'll say to XH if he starts being a twat again.

[Alchemist]

Put that stick down Cotton!

I have not been as dignified as you and recently ended a text with "And a good morning fuck off to you too, zit-head".

Felt good :).

[shovetheholly]

Cotton - when I was splitting from my ex (this is years ago now), I had to sort out absolutely everything myself. All he had to do was to sign a few pieces of paper - and he didn't do this by an important deadline.

I was at work when I realised. I just saw red. I had been so patient with him, and he was just messing me around. I went into a courtyard and rang him, shaking with rage. And I gave it to him with both barrels. I yelled at him for 15 minutes solid. It was quarter of an hour of pure creativity in inventing all kinds of new swear words to describe his behaviour.

When I turned around, all of my colleagues were at the windows. When I put the phone down, they cheered. I was so completely and utterly embarrassed. I am not the kind of person who yells, so it was completely out of character. As I went back to the office, my friend said 'Bloody hell, I didn't know you could be like that. But I really, really wish I'd done that to my partner. You might regret it now, but you won't in future'. Then she gave me a chocolate muffin.

I'm not proud of it, but it was cathartic. Really, really cathartic.

[VenusAsAChild]

I don't think you have blown anything on the settlement, it just needs to be sorted and it is going through with its own impetus.

When its done, why not go round to 'their place' with a massive bouquet of flowers for her and an expensive bottle of his favourite wine, lovingly wrapped up, and thank her for taking the lying, shallow, cheating, orc-breathed ogre out of your life forever. Let him clearly understand that you are letting her know she is taking all that he is off your hands.

Then go out and live.

[SecondMrsAshwell]

Alchemist That is genius.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Dignity shmignity.

Does his breath really smell?

[fuzzywuzzy]

Frankly if those things are true you should be glad you got them off your chest.

I would love for ex to know exactly what I think of him altho sadly throughout the marriage I just stroked his ego, I was by far the best thing to ever happen to him then or ever and I am so lucky I saw the light and escaped instead of living out my life with an unworthy in every way twunt.

You still have the highground, he went off with OW, you are holding the fort and keeping things on an even keel.
Does he have a solicitor, write to him and demand that only correspondence should be between solicitors and not directly to you or via him to your solicitor (push his costs up and see how correspondence suddenly trickle down to only essential).

One day (very soon), you'll laugh at yourself for feeling bad about this. He's had it coming.

Also do you have support in RL? try taking Kalms for a while if things are getting on top of you, go easy on yourself, you are human and by the sounds of this thread have been positively angelic. Maintaining the highground does not mean one lies down and has doormat printed on ones forehead.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Poor Cotton. You didn't let yourself down. He let YOU down when you needed him and he wasn't supposed to do that.

If he ever replies, send... "Sorry STBHX, pressed 'send' too soon. You have many other horrible qualities that I omitted but, least said, soonest mended".

Otherwise, just let it be. Imagine that he will be blowing into his hands and smelling them for a while and just smile about that to yourself... :)

[BeenWondering]

Cotton you haven't let yourself down. Put down that stick! I'm amazed you lasted 18 months. I didn't even last days, and when I went on a rant I sent him a few e-mails. Essay length at that.

You've given very measured, sensible advice and opinions on this board so I think that this is just a case of waiting for that feeling of dread to pass. It will.

[DearestMommy]

Cotton why not block his emails? This is what I've done with my ex. I just flagged the two email addresses he's used and marked them as straight into the trash box. His phone is blocked from calling me too as well as texting. He then has to go and find a phone to call on and if I don't recognise the number or it is NO CALLER ID I don't answer it.

I have a solicitor and he has taken to writing directly to him. He's now instructed solicitors (after almost two years) and has had them write to my solicitor as well. I instructed my solicitor to ignore the letters direct from him, send them straight to his solicitor explaining that the dual approach would only serve to increase MY legal costs and, as such, not acceptable. Also to advise their client to desist from writing directly and that my solicitor would only respond to their letter hereonin.

There is absolutely no need for him to speak to me, write to me or deal with me at all and that is the only way to have it after such a long time.

I will add that he has done likewise to me and it suits me completely. I have no desire to speak with him.

We had two mediation sessions which ended in disaster because he was sitting jiggling his legs in a threatening manner and shouting me down. He rocked up with no notes. No financial details - put an offer to me which I refused. I counter offered which he refused. I was sat there with my Form E completed, pension CETV in writing etc etc. Him, nothing. Stalemate and that was the end of that.

As far as I am aware he no longer exists. I am completely unaware of his comings and goings. I am completely unaware of his life and his lifestyle . I am not concerned in the slightest. I'm just making sure that I get what I need out of the deal to ensure a relativley secure future. I am just 6 years from retirement age and in grave danger of being left pretty hard up in my old age. But, and it's a biggy, what he is doing and with whom is no concern of mine or my daughter's.

You will get there I'm sure.

[middlethird]

back away from the stick, love.

it's done now, take a deep breath...

I feel for you xxx

[springydaffs]

Bloody hell, I didn't have much dignity - I once screamed a full hammer horror scream in the street. Ah well.

Block his emails. At least the one that comes back - these types stoop so low, cotton, don't risk it. But no, block them all.

I hope you told him about the small dick issue?

[shirleybasseyslovechild]

if he has halitosis you did him a great favour in telling him.
solicitors are money grabbing bastards.

you'll be ok

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Oh my goodness, you have all said such lovely things. I felt absolutely terrible all day and had such panic in my chest. I read your posts and you have made me feel so much better.

I can't block his emails as once the house is on the market, we will be communicating through email.

Yes, he really does have awful breath. I can't believe I told him that.

Besides, imagine him sitting across from his solicitor sharing that... Solicitor sniffing and thinking "well, she has a point..." this really made me

It was a stupid, childish thing to do. I let down my guard to him. It was better that he's known nothing about me or how I am feeling for so long.

[snowaccidentprone]

Well it could have been so much worse. I think if that's all you've come out with in 18 months you've done remarkably well!

Anyway, not point beating yourself up about something which is now in the past, and made you feel good at the time. You were only giving him your opinion on one thing, and a fact about something else!

Don't apologise or feel bad any more.

[meddie]

dont let it bother you, my wobble consisted of splashing paint stripper on every body panel of his car, adding some 'go faster stripes' in red oxide primer and turning his front lawn into a helicopter landing pad, courtesy of a tin of white emulsion and 4 flashing lights i found on a skip. I think you have been remarkably dignified and restrained....

[BeenWondering]

meddie Are you free for hire??

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Oh meddie - that is genious!

Did you get in trouble?

[Sallyingforth]

So you told an unpleasant, unfaithful guy a couple of truths.
Is that anything to feel sorry for?
You'll very soon be free of him forever. Be happy for that! :)

[meddie]

He threatened me with the police for criminal damage, but when he realised that he might actually have to look after his children if I was in custody then he backed off. It cost me the endowment policies, but it was worth it. :D

[ALaughAMinute]

I don't think it was undignified to tell him what you think. He deserved it!