Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Are abusive men abusive with all partners?

46 replies

Gorgonzolacherry · 18/05/2015 01:25

Im 3 months out of exiting an abusive relationship which went on for about 10 months It took me a while to figure out what the hell was going on. Had I done something? Was he just unhappy? Conclusion: fuck that, he's an abusive psychopath and any future is more rosy without him in it. Depressing!

Anyway, I was wondering, do you think that abusive men are like that more or less with all their partners? I actually asked him at one point whether he had behaved the way he did with me in his last LTR. He looked astonished and said no and then blamed my behaviour. Yes probably classic abusive behaviour there too.

The abuse in my situatio was emotional not physical and also trying to be sexually controlling (withholding sex.... Intimating he didn't find me attractive enough).

Finally what kind of fathers do these men become. I mean some of them have or go on to have children. What if those children are girls. Are they like that with them too? So awful

Also, thank FUCK for mumsnet. I trawled and trawled these threads for ages. And they gave me that lightbulb moment that what I was experiencing was wrong. I feel strangely über proud of myself for making the right decision quickly and not looking back. So thank you x

OP posts:

Puddingsandpiglets · 18/05/2015 11:46

Yes, but in the case of emotional abusers it may not look the same. These people are manipulative by nature and are expert at finding the best way to control and twist things. So, fat/food shaming may be an achilles heel for some women and they'll use that, but it might not bother their next partner so they will find something else to use against them.

flippinada · 18/05/2015 11:46

There's a couple of comments saying that second relationships where a man has been abusive "seem" happy. I think the key is that word "seem".

Lots of abusers are good at putting on a front in public.

flippinada · 18/05/2015 11:47

Exactly puddings

feelsosad1971 · 18/05/2015 12:10

I am also a month or so out of an on off two year relationship whih I now realise was abusive, its been very diffficult as Im currently grieving the man I THOUGHT he was, and wanted to be with. If I ever questioned or confronted him about any of his unacceptable behaviour , I was told to shut up, stop going on and your getting on my nerves like my wife did. I have now realised that the only way he was happy was when his partner conformed, fail to conform, and you got punished, in my case, ignored, not contacted, etc. I will bet my house thats what happened with his ex wife and I also have found out he had a secret grow up son! The whole relationship was based on lies and control. I doubt he will change for his new GF (of which he already has in place)

Handywoman · 18/05/2015 13:52

The way my ex has partnered up in a new relationship has made me realize that he needs to 'associate' himself with certain attributes (being cool, going out to gigs, being the life and soul of the party etc). His new woman does not have dc and I hope that never changes. Because he hated the fact that post children I cracked on with family life and making an effort with, you know, the work of bringing up the dc. He frankly doesn't have it in him, to do this. And hated me for being the parent he'll never be (he makes only a token effort at being a dad and resents anything beyond taking the dc shopping) and yet also saw me as 'nil' post dc and had no respect for me, hence being able to treat me like utter shit.

I see he has gone back to 'the start' with the new woman, who fits the template and provides the lifestyle and the equity to give him the material life that he so craved while abusing me. If they ever have kids I expect it will all come falling apart. Because it is so superficial, and artificial, his comfort zone: it's all an image. But I can see he'll be happy for years to come if they don't have dc.

trackrBird · 19/05/2015 00:54

The sense of entitlement, vanity, shallowness, need for control, and so on, are all very deep seated attitudes. Coupled with low or no empathy, which is one of the drivers of abuse, the answer has to be no: abusers don't change. They can't. Nor do they want to, in the main. Why should they?

There are always a few exceptions reported. You can only wish good luck to anyone who thinks they are with a reformed abuser. Long may it last.

The thing to remember is that there is something wrong with abusers, not their partners. So, different partner: same result.

keepingmum121 · 19/05/2015 01:00

My extremely violent, abusive and dangerous ex (from whom I escaped in 2003) has been married again for a number of years. I have no idea how their relationship really is, but I do know that she is still alive (he has not killed her so far) which is more than could have been said for me had I stayed.

I find it discombobulating. I wish I had an explanation.

minkGrundy · 19/05/2015 01:08

I think they tailor the level.of abuse to match the power inbalance. If you have dc or they hold the finances they can crank it up. But underlying it they are always abusive because
A) they have no respect for women
B) it works for them so why wouldn't they?

As Bancroft points out most abusers get what they want out of being abusive. They have no reason to surrender their grip.

My ex was probably verbally nastier to me than current gf as she does not have kids. But he is seeing at least 2 other women and also doing a bit of cocklodging.

He was more PA to previous partner who also had his dc. But I think he stopped that because he feared arrest and the consequences for work. The partner in between i think he was just rude to, unfaithful and generally a bit shit.

BeCool · 19/05/2015 01:21

It must be yes (with obvious exceptions as another poster wrote of above.)

The alternative sits way to close to victim blaming for my liking. "I was only like this with you." Etc.

I agree reading Lundy Bancroft will help people understand what is really going on.

My XP hasn't changed- but he's not yet in another relationship AFAIK.

BeCool · 19/05/2015 01:22

It must be yes (with obvious exceptions as another poster wrote of above.)

The alternative sits way to close to victim blaming for my liking. "I was only like this with you." Etc.

I agree reading Lundy Bancroft will help people understand what is really going on.

My XP hasn't changed- but he's not yet in another relationship AFAIK.

RonaldMcDonald · 19/05/2015 01:36

Very often the men repeat the same patterns time and time again
Sometimes they don't
As parents many of the same issues rear their heads

Hope you are well now op

heyday · 19/05/2015 06:58

Obviously, it's wrong to generalise but I would say that if a person is very controlling/abusive then that is their personality type and that will come through in every, or certainly most, relationships.
My teenage daughter was with a vile man for a while. He put a knife to her throat when she was just 17 and expecting his child. Thankfully, she dumped him. Since then he has gone on to impregnate at least another 3 young women, and abusing them all along the way. He has anger issues that he simply cannot/will not control. Recently heard that he had finally picked on the 'wrong' girl to abuse and he got badly beaten up by her family. Whilst I don't condone violence, I believe that this is the only language that these nutters understand as no end of police call outs, court cases and anger management courses have stopped him. Women can quite often walk away from theses men but sadly their offspring with be his flesh and blood forever. Quite often these children will have similar personalities as the abusive behaviour is linked to genetic problems.
Having said this I am sure that some people do change especially as they get a bit older. Let's hope so.

minkGrundy · 19/05/2015 07:43

Quite often these children will have similar personalities as the abusive behaviour is linked to genetic problems.

I don't think this is actually true. It may be a factor in a minority of cases. But DA is more of a cultural phenomenon imo.

Handywoman · 19/05/2015 08:16

Definitely agree the level of abuse reflects the power imbalance in the relationship, hence my ex becoming abusive with the arrival of dc (as we know is very is typical) and my guess that in his new relationship with his childless gf is not as abusive and probably won't become so.

popalot · 19/05/2015 08:24

Yes, although no point asking them tho! Mine told me at the start of our relationship that his ex was controlling, mentally ill and probably a lesbian. That's why they argued all the time. After four years of treading me into the ground he moved on quickly to another woman. I wondered for a long time if he treated her the same way. Well, once they broke up a few years later it all came out. Yes he did. I found it an odd relief (felt guilty but must be honest) because it just confirmed once again that he was abusive.

I think each woman reacts differently to the abuse and maybe the stronger the reaction, the more the abuser escalates their abuse. Certainly seemed the more I put my foot down, the more aggressive he became to get what he wanted. Not in any way blaming women, just that each of us reacts differently to how we are treated. I think he was more physical with me than the others, because I would stand up for myself when he was verbal (not always, but every month or so)

Mitzi50 · 19/05/2015 08:42

FuckyouChris were we married to the same man? My ex was EA and occasionally physically. He could not cope with anyone disagreeing with him or suggesting that he was less than perfect (he went NC with his DM for 2 years when she criticised how he had treated a previous GF). He found family life with children impossible because he was no longer the centre of attention.

He is now with a much younger woman - DD says his new DP never stands up to him and as they don't have children, he is the focus of everything.

He treated DD appallingly when she began to develop her own opinions and that is what finally gave me the strength to leave him. I am proud to say she is everything he fears in a woman - feisty, intelligent, capable and opinionated.

Sickoffrozen · 19/05/2015 09:11

I think a lot of abusive men just don't like women and therefore will be abusive to varying degrees whoever they are with!

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 19/05/2015 12:28

Mitzi :o right down to the younger woman!

Xh dismisses everything eldest ds says as "teen tantrums" and not real opinions. He's going to hate it when dd is older.

Meerka · 19/05/2015 13:09

personally I think that most abusive men stay abusive. But a few can be different when they are with a different woman.

They aren't ever really decent people; decent people behave as well as they can no matter the circumstances. But there are a few bullying people who try it on and fail and settle into a .. reasonable ... partnership. I think their wives have to have the whip hand though. it's not a true partnership of equals.

Gralick · 19/05/2015 13:24

What a lovely OP, Gorgonzola

Both my exes have stayed married to my successors.

XH1 was violent with me, and said he never hit his DW. This is most probably true: he'd have needed someone raised with same kind of violence, as I was, to perform that particular part of his abusive 'dance'. He is still a narcissistic, unfaithful manchild, though. Either she's more of a pushover than me or (as I think likely) is among the many women who don't particularly care what their husbands are like as long as home & family are generally acceptable.

XH2 was a more complicated psychopath man. His DW felt she was able to 'train' him into maintaining a normal relationship. She was deluded from the word go (he was still shagging me and controlling my life) and is evidently very good at not seeing what she doesn't want to see. She's probably also an "as long as" wife. She seems really nice, but there's no way he has changed. He's been a liar, thief & control freak since childhood.

I sometimes wonder if OPs on here might be the current wives ... I bet I'm not the only one!

LividofLondinium · 19/05/2015 15:52

I think it depends on the individual and what abuse they're giving. For example, I know a man who had a lovely GF and apparently he was rather unkind to her and didn't treat her well. This same man, some years later, got a GF who took no shit off of him whatsoeveer and he worshiped the ground she walked on. The GF after that he was the same; he had a go at her once over something he mistakenly though she did. She was not at all happy with him, and when he realised he was in the wrong he really grovelled. He's a bit of a twat but I do think his behaviour changes depending on who he's with.

When I was young I was very unkind to a couple of BFs who were lovely but utter doormats, and in a way I was goading them to grow spines. I ended up dumping both of them because I hated the pedestal they'd put me on and I really hated the fact they took shit from me. Since them I'd dump BFs as soon as I lost respect for them rather than stay and get bitchy.

So I think it depends on dynamics. My doormat exes brought out the worst in me (thankfully I've matured and would never be like that again) but would make wonderful BFs to women who liked their men a bit more meak and mild. I also think that some people are a bad match (eg 2 volotile people together) and wind each other up into screaming fits, yet put them with calmer partners and you'll get a different outcome.

Flip

1 2