Can casual sex stay as casual sex?

[Nevergoingtolearn]

For the last couple of weeks I have been having what most would class as 'casual sex' with a old friend ( not a close friend ), having a relationship seems almost impossible for me at the moment due to my family. I have been seeing this bloke a couple times a week and texting most nights. Last time we saw each other we spent the morning together in bed, a few of the signs he was giving off told me that maybe he wants more ( he started asking me questions about my life and my children, just general chit chat ) and when we have sex he is very loving and passionate ( not what you would expect from someone just wanting a quick shag ). So I started thinking maybe he wants more? But then this week he has hardly text me, I did tell him I had a busy week and might not be able to see him but I thought he would still text. So now I'm thinking 'he's just after sex after all' ,so I seem to be getting mixed signals, I am happy with casual sex but a small part of me would like something a bit more ( even though introducing a new man to the family scares me to death ), maybe telling him a bit about my life scared him off? I don't know what to think.

Can casual sex ever be just that? Or can it only work if it's just a one off ( not once or twice a week ).

Should I text him? Could he be feeling the same as me and be waiting for me to text? I don't want to look like the desperate one by texting him .

[KoalaKoo]

op, just going on what you have written, he may well actually like you, but you have been giving him the run around. He was nice and you blew cold, he was nice and you told him you were busy for a week. Give the man a break, if he does actually like you then you really cant expect him to expose his feelings so much and just come running the instant you snap your fingers (send him a text).

If you like him then please stop playing games and tell him. Enough of the text games.

[Nevergoingtolearn]

You could be right, I really want to talk to him and tell him how I feel but I'm scared he doesn't feel the same ( so am tempted to run ). I don't want much from him, if he is interested in being more then friends we would have to take things very slowly, I would like to get to know him and for him to get to know me.

We shall see what happens.

[FlabulousChix]

Feelings always seem to grow at least on one side. Unless you're cold hearted and can do cold sex feelings always grow. I can't separate sex from feelings so casual isn't for me

[Nevergoingtolearn]

He text me, not sure if that's a good thing or bad thing, asked when he can see me.

Not sure what to do, do I go and see him and then suggest that we talk?

[Milllli]

Has he texted because he wants your company or for sex?

[yougotafriend]

Definitely go & meet him this will only get better by you talking to each other

[GinSoakedBitchyPony]

You need to talk to him, otherwise you will always wonder.

But try to take things slowly if you do start a proper relationship, you've said you had doubts about whether you're ready for one, so take it slowly.

[Nevergoingtolearn]

Thank you Gin, I'm going to see him next week, will talk to him and see what he wants, it will either be the last time we get together or it will be the beginning of taking thing steady ( if you can call t that ), it will have to be very slowly if we both decide on a relationship, I need to get used to being on my own for a bit and I have to consider the dc's ( would be a while before I would introduce a new man into our home ).

[Milllli]

I would arrange to meet somewhere nuetral without sex clouding the issue.

[Nevergoingtolearn]

Seems most of you were right , been texting each other tonight and he wrote 'so our we officially sex buddies?', I text back with 'is that what you want?' And he said 'yes', I didn't reply so he then text back 'is that what you want?' I replied with 'I don't know what I want', he still wants me to go and see him tomorrow but I don't think I can , I did enjoy the sex but I don't think it would be the same now knowing that's all it is.

[Confusecom]

Sorry to hear that, I do think it is more difficult for women

The people who give advice on here are scarily on the ball

Thinking of you

[GinSoakedBitchyPony]

FFS, you two are as bad as each other!

I don't know what he wants but from that communication it could be that he's testing the waters and that he does want more. The only way you will know for sure is to ask. Someone upthread gavea a great suggestion of how to broach the topic.

What was his response to your 'I don't know what I want' ?

And I know I'm old, ancient in fact, but you can't have important discussions over text. You just can't. Pick up the phone and talk. Anyway at least you're seeing him tomorrow.

[Nevergoingtolearn]

His response was 'still come over tomorrow'

I know I could go and talk to him but I don't want to look like a complete twat when he says he doesn't want anything other than sex. I wouldn't blame him on not wanting a relationship with me, I have a lot of baggage and he has been on his own for a very long time, why would he want in on my hectic, stressful life?

[Nevergoingtolearn]

I'm not going tomorrow , he has text again and it basically says he just wants sex, I'm slightly gutted but it was expected. It's not worth me going to see him tomorrow as he obviously doesn't want anything more than sex, it's not worth me going as I will just end up hurt

[GinSoakedBitchyPony]

OP, I try very hard not to give false hope, and I've been accused here of being cynical.

But look at your situation from his POV.
Let's say he does want more. He tried to open up a conversation about it a few weeks ago and you closed him down.
Now he's sent you a text asking 'are we official sex buddies'. You replied, annoyingly with a question, 'is that what you want?'.
After you knocked him back before, he's hardly going to reply over text along the lines of saying he likes the sex alright but he would like more too, just to get another knock back!
Can you see it from his POV?
I reiterate, I don't know what he wants. He may be happy with just sex, but maybe, just maybe, he'd like more.

[GinSoakedBitchyPony]

Ok, cross post. At least you know now. I hope he's not playing some daft bluffing game but at least you know.

[yougotafriend]

It could be taken either way, I'd still say meet to talk but not necessarily at his place. Think about it, if you both wanted to move to forward to a relationship but neither of you said so for fear of what the other might be thinking, you'd never get anywhere!

If you're up front with how you feel, yes he might say that's not what he wants, but at least you'll know for sure. It takes guts to lay your feelings bare but for me I'd have to know for certain, any heartache would be brief

[Nevergoingtolearn]

He wrote, ' I don't think you just want sex, I don't want to lead you on or upset you, but I do like the sex and hope we can have more', too me that sounds like he doesn't want a relationship but is happy to carry on having sex?

How can I go and see him when it's pretty obvious what he wants? I know I have messed him around a little and probably confused him but it seems quite clear that he doesn't want to comit to anything other than sex.

Yes the sex is good but I don't think I want to waste my limited free time going to shag him when it's never going to come to anything.

[GinSoakedBitchyPony]

Yes, that does sound like he's happy with just sex and wants to keep it just sex.
I wouldn't go either, having received that text.
At least you've found out now and not further down the line when you're more involved with him.
more

[Milllli]

Im sorry Never. I did think it highly unlikely that he wanted more. If he did you would have known about it in the beginning. He would have tried to date you, not just have sex. At least now you know that sex without anything else is not for you.

[yougotafriend]

Yes that is pretty clear cut, but at least you know now. Don't have any regrets but it sounds like you're on different pages so move on from him.

[propelusagain]

Don't go.

I don't do causual sex.
At the very least you don#t know where else he is dipping it- I would get a sexual health screen.

[Nevergoingtolearn]

Feeling pretty

I am pretty sure he hasn't been sleeping with anyone else, pretty sure he wants me as a sex buddy because he can't get it anywhere else. He's a lot older than me and I don't think he has had a serious relationship for many years, never been married, never had children and has got used to being alone.

I think I knew it wouldn't work out even if he did want more, I have too much baggage, there's a big age gap and he is too used to being on his own, but a big part of me just wanted someone to have feelings for me, for me to feel like I have still got it. Sadly I don't think that's likely to happen with anyone, my life is pretty crazy, I don't really have time to date anyone or fall in love with anyone which is why at first this arrangement was perfect. Just a shame feelings had to get in the way.

I will text him later to say I don't think it's a good idea that I go to see him and that I can't just be sex buddies. I will miss his company and the great sex but I'm sure I will get over it. Seeing him around may be a bit weird.

[GinSoakedBitchyPony]

Morning OP.
Yes, he's a person living a single life without any ties, and there's nothing wrong with that, but as you've now told us he's quite a bit older than you, he's likely to have come to a decision about his lifestyle some time ago and is happy how things are. It does make a difference, and it's about him, not about you.
Send the text as soon as you can. You will get over it, and quicker than you probably expect.

[Whatamayday]

Well he has made his position clear. But he is saying he still wants the sex so don't hang on in there thinking there is a chance he will want more In the future. I think you would be right to call it a day.