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Relationships

Can casual sex stay as casual sex?

92 replies

Nevergoingtolearn · 14/05/2015 15:50

For the last couple of weeks I have been having what most would class as 'casual sex' with a old friend ( not a close friend ), having a relationship seems almost impossible for me at the moment due to my family. I have been seeing this bloke a couple times a week and texting most nights. Last time we saw each other we spent the morning together in bed, a few of the signs he was giving off told me that maybe he wants more ( he started asking me questions about my life and my children, just general chit chat ) and when we have sex he is very loving and passionate ( not what you would expect from someone just wanting a quick shag ). So I started thinking maybe he wants more? But then this week he has hardly text me, I did tell him I had a busy week and might not be able to see him but I thought he would still text. So now I'm thinking 'he's just after sex after all' ,so I seem to be getting mixed signals, I am happy with casual sex but a small part of me would like something a bit more ( even though introducing a new man to the family scares me to death ), maybe telling him a bit about my life scared him off? I don't know what to think.

Can casual sex ever be just that? Or can it only work if it's just a one off ( not once or twice a week ).

Should I text him? Could he be feeling the same as me and be waiting for me to text? I don't want to look like the desperate one by texting him Sad.

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Viviennemary · 14/05/2015 17:29

I'm not sure I really believe there is any such thing as casual sex for women anyway. Not as an ongoing thing. Possibly starts out that way but seldom ends well. IMHO of course.

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AnyFucker · 14/05/2015 17:33

Too much game playing going on here

Talk to him, OP

and I don't really recommend trying to behave in a way that doesn't really work for you...it will inevitably lead to you tying yourself in knots just like this

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Lavenderice · 14/05/2015 17:34

VivienneMary I have to disagree, I've had guys I just used to keep around for sex.

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Nevergoingtolearn · 14/05/2015 17:58

He's not the type that would move on when something better comes up, I'm the first person he has been with for years ( so he tells me ). He does seem like a nice bloke but not the type to show his feeling or tell me what he wants, so far he has let me take the lead ( well most of the time ). He seems quite shy ( when not in the bedroom ), we have things in common and he has a good sense of humour.

I have had casual sex with men before but usually it's just once or twice, I never felt the need to keep going back, this time is different but maybe it's just because I have recently split from dh?

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Nevergoingtolearn · 14/05/2015 20:06

I have given in and ent him a text, will see how long he takes to answer.

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Nevergoingtolearn · 14/05/2015 20:07

Sent

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yougotafriend · 14/05/2015 20:35

I'm in a fwb situation, tho see him less than you see your guy (about once a fortnight) we text intermittently in between. We don't live in the same city. I'm fine with this arrangement, we have talked and seem to be on the same page with what we want "company without commitment".

Sometimes it does feel like he wants more and when we're in bed i feel really comfortable and close to him but then we're apart I don't feel any real emotion towards him other than friendship. I think I am one of the women who can have a physically intimate relationship and keep my emotions separate!!

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Nevergoingtolearn · 14/05/2015 20:47

I wish I could do that, I thought I could Sad. I know right now is not a good time for a relationship and I am enjoying the no strings attached sex but feelings are obviously there as I am missing him when he's not texting. When he does text he takes ages to reply to me, he's either plying hard to get or he is not really interested.

I'm going to arrange to see him next week, hopefully we can talk ( maybe after sex ).

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RubyMay82 · 14/05/2015 20:51

I don't think there's such thing as casual sex, maybe it's as I get older.
Someone always gets attached.
I'm not meaning to be cheeky either but if you were really casual & breezy about slagging this bloke you wouldn't be worried about what he thought, why he hadn't text you, what you last said...
Trying to analyse !
I'm personally terrible & would be exactly the same thinking & wondering which isn't very casual is it!

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RubyMay82 · 14/05/2015 20:51

*shagging!
Bloody butterfingers !

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Nevergoingtolearn · 14/05/2015 20:56

Your right Ruby, I wish I didn't have these feelings, I'm feeling pretty angry now, I text him, he answered quite quickly, I text back and then nothing, maybe he's busy, maybe he just can't be bothered, maybe he doesn't know what to write? I wish I didn't care, I know that he would quickly text back if I had said 'I'm coming over for sex' so maybe that proves that all he wants is a shag Sad.

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pocketsaviour · 14/05/2015 20:57

Well, at least now you know that a FWB arrangement doesn't work for you. That is good knowledge to have about yourself for the future.

You said it was quite soon since you split with your ex and you need to be on your own for a bit. Listen to that instinct and concentrate on you for a bit until you get back out there Thanks

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arsenaltilidie · 15/05/2015 10:40

Women tend to misinterpret someone being nice/genuine as them wanting a relationship. Because he is having sex with you he probably doesn't feel like he has to play games.
If your feelings has changed, meaning you have moved the goal posts, then the onus is on you to tell him how you feel.
Maybe you could say/text "I don't like you sleeping with other people, can we be exclusive?"

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Joysmum · 15/05/2015 10:48

Casual sex can and does work but as I said upthread, This won't he casual sex for you as you have feelings and you will get hurt.

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Joysmum · 15/05/2015 10:49

Bugger, sorry I wrote on another casual sex thread before, not this one! The nessage stands, casual sex is only casual sex if not feelings are involved.

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yougotafriend · 15/05/2015 11:29

Did he text you back OP ?

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Milllli · 15/05/2015 12:06

If he is interested then he will contact you and not just for sex.

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Nevergoingtolearn · 15/05/2015 15:47

He text me back very late last night, his texts don't really tell me much other than he wants sex, felt slightly pissed off that it took him almost 4 hours to text me back ( he was probably out drinking ). I didn't reply to his text, I'm not going to text him again, going to enjoy the weekend and try not to think about him or what he might be thinking, maybe he will text me next week or maybe he won't bother.

I think I'm only feeling this way because it's not long ago I split with dh, I feel lonely so I'm probably clinging on to the hope this bloke actually likes me when he probably doesn't really want to comit to anything. I don't think he's sleeping with anyone else, I don't think he could put in enough effort to go looking elsewhere, he has been on his own a very long time and probably enjoys his own company a little too much.

If he texts me then that's great but if not it's really no loss ( though I will miss the sex as it was pretty good ) Grin.

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Milllli · 15/05/2015 16:11

Never if he only text you for sex last night when drunk then doesn't that tell you what you need to know? Or is it just me. If he wanted to have something more with you he would actually ask you out. Personally, I would find it very insulting to be text just for a booty call but then I am not you.

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Nevergoingtolearn · 15/05/2015 16:21

He didn't text for sex as such, I sent him a text which mentioned sex, he took 4 hours to reply. I'm probably still giving him the impression that all I want is sex? I havnt really asked him if we can talk, he has mentioned talking next time we meet ( for sex ). In a way I am hoping he doesn't text me again as that will prove that he's not interested.

In a way I would like to continue the sex but I know I can't if I have other feelings which he doesn't share. Just seems odd that he has asked to talk in the last ( I said no, at the time I didn't want anything more than sex ) and he has started asking me about my kids and my life instead of just talking sex. Maybe he didn't like what I told him about my life, I come with quite a bit of baggage, maybe that was enough to put him off?

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GinSoakedBitchyPony · 15/05/2015 17:58

You need to talk to him OP. IMO, he's behaving appropriately for a casual sex partner.
When people are having casual sex, that's how they act. Casual. 4 hours to reply is nothing, and it's par for the course with this set up.

This is a perfect example of how lots of people struggle to rein in their expectations in these situations.
Don't get all huffy until you've given him a chance to tell you if he wants more. You were the one who set out the terms in this arrangement. Ask him if he wants more. If he doesn't, it's time to walk away.

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yougotafriend · 15/05/2015 18:20

Asking about your kids & life in general doesn't signify anything. Me & my FWB chat about our lives in person & via text because we are "friends" and interested in each others lives. It doesn't mean either of us want a romantic relationship!!

He has recently had a close family bereavement and I'm unlikely to see him for a few weeks but I still text to see how he is (same as I would for a platonic friend). You need to be upfront, all that 2nd guessing is exhausting

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Nevergoingtolearn · 15/05/2015 19:44

Thank you, if I see him again I will talk to him. To begin with I was just in it for the sex, I didn't really want to know all about him, he knew I had split with dh and I was hoping it would just stay like that ( he didn't need to know details ) but then after the 3rd time of seeing him he starts asking questions, asked if me and dh are really over, started asking about my dc's and started saying 'you married the wrong man' and 'we should have done this years ago', that's when I started getting confused as to what he wanted.

I know I need to either talk to him or just walk away, I'm going to have a think over the weekend and not contact him, it maybe that I decide not to see him again as I don't want to end up getting hurt.

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Casimir · 15/05/2015 19:50

Twice a week! You are in a relationship. Deal.

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Milllli · 15/05/2015 20:06

A relationship involves a lot more than sex twice a week, don't you think.

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