Can casual sex stay as casual sex?

[Nevergoingtolearn]

For the last couple of weeks I have been having what most would class as 'casual sex' with a old friend ( not a close friend ), having a relationship seems almost impossible for me at the moment due to my family. I have been seeing this bloke a couple times a week and texting most nights. Last time we saw each other we spent the morning together in bed, a few of the signs he was giving off told me that maybe he wants more ( he started asking me questions about my life and my children, just general chit chat ) and when we have sex he is very loving and passionate ( not what you would expect from someone just wanting a quick shag ). So I started thinking maybe he wants more? But then this week he has hardly text me, I did tell him I had a busy week and might not be able to see him but I thought he would still text. So now I'm thinking 'he's just after sex after all' ,so I seem to be getting mixed signals, I am happy with casual sex but a small part of me would like something a bit more ( even though introducing a new man to the family scares me to death ), maybe telling him a bit about my life scared him off? I don't know what to think.

Can casual sex ever be just that? Or can it only work if it's just a one off ( not once or twice a week ).

Should I text him? Could he be feeling the same as me and be waiting for me to text? I don't want to look like the desperate one by texting him .

[Hollii]

He's getting to have sex with you. Why would he stop. You are going to get hurt I think .

[GinSoakedBitchyPony]

Wishing you the best, never.

[Nevergoingtolearn]

No I didn't sleep with him last night, I did see him and then he text me, I havnt text him back.

[TummyButtonFluff]

I think you are making a mistake. I think he likes the ego boost and he's not being fair to you. Did you sleep with him last night?

[Hollii]

Fair enough Never. You have to be true to yourself so if you believe that this is ok for you then go with it.

[Nevergoingtolearn]

I did think I had feelings for him but I don't think they are really feelings that I want to be in a relationship with him, I think I felt that way because I am lonely and miss having a man around, I guess I kind of clung to him in hope he would replace dh. I know now that I don't want that, I need to get used to being alone, living alone, sleeping alone and not having someone texting me all the time. I enjoy the sex, he's one of the best I have had ( and I have had a few ) and I think I can keep sex separate from my feelings, if I can't then I will end it. I am trying to think differently and take control of the situation, I don't want to end it as it is fun, as long as I can keep my head in the right place then it can carry on being a bit of fun.

Being realistic I don't think a relationship with him could ever work, he's much older than me, used to being on his own and quite set in his ways, I don't think he's the type of man I would really be happy with but at the moment I can't really see myself being in a relationship with anyone, until I am ready for a relationship a fuck buddy will do.

[Hollii]

Never you said you had feelings for him and wanted more than you had. You had sex with him because you have feelings for him. You tried to make him jealous because you have feelings for him. If you want a proper relationship with him then you need to stop having sex with him. If he misses you and has feelings for you then he will step up and start taking you out properly and get to know you and who you are without just shagging. This is doing your self esteem no good at all. He is using you and you are trying to tell yourself that you can handle this and use him. From everything you have said though, you can't. You want more from him. Dint sell yourself short. You are worth more than this.

[GinSoakedBitchyPony]

I really hope you're doing the right thing, but I'm concerned on several points.
You said :
"pretty sure he wants me as a sex buddy because he can't get it anywhere else."

If that's the case, he's going to try hard to keep you around. Of course he doesn't like it if you talk to other men. He's afraid you'll meet someone who cares about you and wants you for you, not just as a sex buddy. Then he gets dumped and he can't get it anywhere else.

Even if I'm being harsh on him there, it can't do your self-esteem any good to be thinking that way about him. It sounds as if you think you can't do better than him - an older man who has made the choice to live a single life (no issue with that) and who can't find anyone to have sex with.

On the other hand, I think it's already more than just sex for you. If it was just sex, you wouldn't have needed to be analysing his behaviour, getting annoyed when he takes 4 hours to reply to a text, and feeling upset when he sent you that text the other night saying he just wanted sex.

After my divorce me and my 'fuck buddy' or FWB or whatever label we want to give it, went all round the houses with each other. It went on for years too, on and off, not just a few 'fun' months. We both ended up confused, feeling on the end of mixed messages, tried to stay away from each other but couldn't etc etc. I'm not going into the whole story of it because this is your thread, not mine, but my point is that it did nothing to help my self-esteem or heal from the divorce. It was a mindfuck. Yes, I know, not everyone's the same as me, but you're coming across as vulnerable right now, understandably, and I'm not sure this is good for you.

After a divorce, or any major break up, we need to do the things that help us to heal and move on to a healthier relationship than the one we've left. Improving our self-esteem is a big part of that. I'm not sure this fuck buddy arrangement will help you to do that.

Posted with only good intention, sorry if it's harsh.

[Nevergoingtolearn]

Thank you, the moment I don't feel in control is when I need to walk away. I think he is playing mind games ,when I went to see him he was still making chit chat and asking questions about my life ( he shouldn't do this ). I'm trying not to text him as much, will just text him when I want sex. I just need to be stronger and to be able to walk away if I need too ( if I become to emotionally attached to him ). It was quite nice to flirt with other men last night and I front of him to see what his reaction would be, I think if I calpol at it in the right perspective I can have a lot of fun.

[yougotafriend]

never as long as you feel in control of the situation, keep it going. Your feelings might settle down, but remember that some men fall into the "I don't have feelings for you but I want you to have feelings for me" category so be careful you're not being played.

I haven't seen my FWB for almost a month now as he went home after his dad died and has had lots to sort out. His texts have been a bit pushy about how I feel about him, I'm not being cagey on purpose I just don't have any feelings over enjoying his company and being physically attracted to him...but I think he's only carrying on like this cos of how down he's feeling in general, so even if I did have deeper feelings, I wouldn't confess them under these circumstances.

Keep coming back here to let us know how things are going

[Nevergoingtolearn]

Well lots have happened, I tried to end it but we ended up back in bed together, I don't think either of us know what we want. I keep telling myself 'it's just sex' and I need to realise that it will probably stay that way. I saw him last night when I was out with a friend ,it felt really strange as we tried to act normal, there were other men their that were talking to me and I think he didn't like it, when I got home he text me to ask when he can see me again, I havnt replied. If we are going to keep it as just sex then it's going to be on my terms, I want to be in control, if I can't keep it as 'just sex' then I need to stop seeing him. I think it's too early for me to know if any feelings I have are real as I'm still getting over the split with dh, I think I only want this bloke because I'm lonely.

[GinSoakedBitchyPony]

I think he'll get the gist from your text, following the discussion last night. If he doesn't there's no need to pour your heart out, just tell him the arrangement isn't working for you, so you won't be seeing him again and wish him well. That's all it needs.

Agree, he has said things that are a bit confusing, and it's saying those type of things that can lead to regular casual sex with one person becoming a complete mindfuck. You start wondering if he just says nice things to keep you coming back for more sex, if he means it, if he's dropping hints because he's too scared to come out and say it, blah blah. Head games. Horrible.

[pompodd]

Well, for what it's worth (from a complete stranger from the internet!) you sound very lovely and kind and sensitive.

At least you've learnt something about yourself which is that, right now, you aren't really ready for a casual sex relationship.

Lots of men like me (well, those who are single!) would love to meet someone like you so I hope you don't feel sad for too long.

[yougotafriend]

You don't have to pour your heart out, a FWB arrangement ends when it no longer suits either you for whatever reason. It no longer suits you and that's all you need to say.

[Nevergoingtolearn]

And I have text him to say 'I don't think it's a good idea that I come over tonight', I don't know if that's enough or if I should have said more? I don't want to poor my hart out and look desperate as it's pretty obvious what he wants.

[Nevergoingtolearn]

Thank you Pom, I can see it from his perspective and I feel guilty for messing him around but he did give me mixed messages, saying 'we should have got together years ago' and telling me 'I married and had kids with the wrong man' as well as many other things that made me think he might one day want more than just sex. I am gutted, he is someone I met many years ago and I have never forgotten, he kind of implied that he felt this way too. I guess I was hoping that something would come of it and we could take things slowly but obviously he does not want the same thing.

I will be upset for a while and right now it feels like I will never find anyone due to my situation, I feel very lonely and I feel I have no one to talk too, only one of my friends know that I have been sleeping with this man but she's not the kind of friend I can open up too.

[pompodd]

never, I hope you don't mind me posting on your thread again. I'm sorry it hasn't worked out in the way you wanted.

But I really, really would reiterate what GinSoakedBitchyPony said at 22.26 last night if you meet someone else in the future.

I suspect this guy isn't overthinking this in the way that you are. From his perspective he probably just cannot work you out. You appear to blow hot and cold, don't give straight answers to straight questions etc, everything is by text which can be misunderstood or, more likely, hidden meanings read in. I completely understand why you feel the way that you do but when the dust has settled I'd try to take a step back and see it from his perspective.

[Whatamayday]

Well he has made his position clear. But he is saying he still wants the sex so don't hang on in there thinking there is a chance he will want more In the future. I think you would be right to call it a day.

[GinSoakedBitchyPony]

Morning OP.
Yes, he's a person living a single life without any ties, and there's nothing wrong with that, but as you've now told us he's quite a bit older than you, he's likely to have come to a decision about his lifestyle some time ago and is happy how things are. It does make a difference, and it's about him, not about you.
Send the text as soon as you can. You will get over it, and quicker than you probably expect.

[Nevergoingtolearn]

Feeling pretty

I am pretty sure he hasn't been sleeping with anyone else, pretty sure he wants me as a sex buddy because he can't get it anywhere else. He's a lot older than me and I don't think he has had a serious relationship for many years, never been married, never had children and has got used to being alone.

I think I knew it wouldn't work out even if he did want more, I have too much baggage, there's a big age gap and he is too used to being on his own, but a big part of me just wanted someone to have feelings for me, for me to feel like I have still got it. Sadly I don't think that's likely to happen with anyone, my life is pretty crazy, I don't really have time to date anyone or fall in love with anyone which is why at first this arrangement was perfect. Just a shame feelings had to get in the way.

I will text him later to say I don't think it's a good idea that I go to see him and that I can't just be sex buddies. I will miss his company and the great sex but I'm sure I will get over it. Seeing him around may be a bit weird.

[propelusagain]

Don't go.

I don't do causual sex.
At the very least you don#t know where else he is dipping it- I would get a sexual health screen.

[yougotafriend]

Yes that is pretty clear cut, but at least you know now. Don't have any regrets but it sounds like you're on different pages so move on from him.

[Milllli]

Im sorry Never. I did think it highly unlikely that he wanted more. If he did you would have known about it in the beginning. He would have tried to date you, not just have sex. At least now you know that sex without anything else is not for you.

[GinSoakedBitchyPony]

Yes, that does sound like he's happy with just sex and wants to keep it just sex.
I wouldn't go either, having received that text.
At least you've found out now and not further down the line when you're more involved with him.
more

[Nevergoingtolearn]

He wrote, ' I don't think you just want sex, I don't want to lead you on or upset you, but I do like the sex and hope we can have more', too me that sounds like he doesn't want a relationship but is happy to carry on having sex?

How can I go and see him when it's pretty obvious what he wants? I know I have messed him around a little and probably confused him but it seems quite clear that he doesn't want to comit to anything other than sex.

Yes the sex is good but I don't think I want to waste my limited free time going to shag him when it's never going to come to anything.