I don't really understand why we are arguing and I don't know what to do from there.

[BertieBotts]

Sorry if this is really jumbled. Really confused and a bit bewildered at the moment.

Just had a bit of an argument with DH after he laughed about me not knowing what a button on a mouse does. I admit I did blow up a bit. Said I don't bloody care what the buttons on the mouse do apart from the left and right click, why is it funny, you are always laughing in this really scathing way whenever I don't know something technical or that YOU think is obvious and just, basically, cut it out, it's shitty.

He then blew up in response, said I need to get better self esteem, of course he is not laughing at me, I keep misinterpreting his words or putting words in his mouth and he wouldn't do that. And that I keep criticising everything he does at the moment. I asked what is funny about it, then, if he's not laughing because it's hilarious how stupid I am. Apparently he laughs when he thinks it is "cute" OK, maybe fair, but I still feel that he often uses a scathing "WOW, that's so OBVIOUS, how do you not know THAT" kind of tone of voice when he notices something "cute" but as I was trying to explain that, he cut across me with a massive rant about how he feels like I criticise everything he does and he can't do anything right. And then stormed off to the bedroom. I tried to talk to him about half an hour ago but he was asleep. He has since woken up, used the toilet and gone back again. I don't think he's sulking particularly but it's clear he wants space so I will leave him again.

I'm just kind of baffled and confused now about what is actually happening. I'm sure there are other things behind it - he mentioned that I've told him he's not allowed to get mad at me if I don't stick to promises on household stuff. I am a bit (a lot) crap domestically - cleaning etc. That's an ongoing thing since forever, part of who I am, not an exaggeration/me or anyone else putting myself down, I am lazy, disorganised and quite happy to live in a pigsty. I do make an effort for DH and DS but a lot of the time I do just forget or overlook perfectly simple stuff. I do try to negate this - I have a chart to look at to remind me, have tried various reminder techniques etc, but it slips my mind even so. I know this is really bloody frustrating to live with but I am trying my hardest.

I have never ever felt like I wasn't "allowed" to discuss something with him before like he made me feel today. I don't walk on eggshells and we talk things out usually. We respect each other.

I think that I can be a bit overly negative, I'm more likely to comment if something is wrong rather than if it is right but I did not feel like I was getting on him for every little thing. Maybe I could have brought up the "feeling laughed at" thing differently, but I don't think I was wrong to bring it up.

Argh. I guess I'll try and talk to him when DS is in bed, but I suspect a big reason of why he's feeling hurt is because I don't really get what he is talking about, so I'm sure it's going to kick off a big argument when we do talk about it. I just don't really know where to start I suppose?

To be honest, if it's so bad that SS were involved and you were getting evicted, then it must be beyond simply 'messy'.

Regardless of the reasons, you must be putting serious strain on your marriage. I would find it draining and depressing and it would eat away at my love for someone.

It wasn't shit up the walls and dripping mould on the ceiling kind of bad, it was more student house bad. Washing up left until needed, toilet full of stained limescale, bedding changed after several months not a week (i always changed it if something got spilled on it though). Toys, paper, clothes, crumbs on the floors. Rubbish always went out because I can't stand a smell, but packets, tissues etc did hang around for a while. I was referred to SS, not threatened, and I had one letter from my landlord after he visited when I hadn't read the letter.

House is nothing like this now because DH points things out before they get bad. I do have my own list of stuff to check daily as well.

I understand that it's bad and horrible to live with. Telling me that doesn't change anything. Believe me,iif i could make myself notice more, I would. at it's impossible to live with just tends to make me think wistfully of an ex who was an alcoholic and who wouldn't have minded at all. I don't

If you were a man your behaviour would be considered normal...but as a woman you are expected to have standards for housework.
Not caring your house is messy doesn't mean you have low self esteem - many many men don't notice mess, and never have their self esteem questioned. I think you husband is annoyed because he considers you to be failing in a societally given role in that a woman should care about her house and be the FIRST to clean it up. You don't really care about the state of the house, this is not abnormal at all, many many people don't care, problem is, they are mainly men, who are allowed not to care and are not expected to clean it up...

Basically you have the opposite to most other couples - you don't see it and don't care and he does see it and gets shirty.

Normally the woman sees it and picks it up and does the housework while complaining at the man - this is referred to as "nagging" while he sits wondering what the problem is...

You have the reverse issue with the man chasing the woman and complaining.

Discuss with your DH why it is that you are given the role of household cleaning standards, despite you having no aptitude in this area. If he is the one with the noticing skills, he can make a rota for the pair of you. You won't notice housework unless you practice, it's a learned skill!!!!! On the other hand, if he has already noticed he can write a list and then you can agree together what the minimal standard should be and you BOTH work to that standard with him helping you, not criticising!
Tell your DH that noticing housework is not genetic and doesn't come with the Y chromosome and to stop thinking you are defective - you aren't!

I agree with miggsie. Left alone, DH's cleaning standards are similar to yours. No-one much judged him for it when he was single. Deffo put your DH in charge of this job, then muck in as and when asked (this is the deal we have: I tell him what needs doing along the lines of 'would you rather load the dishwasher or hang the washing up'?)

Gah sorry my phone chewed that post a bit.

Miggsie I have often thought this and find it quite infuriating! However, what you describe isn't exactly the situation, DH isn't expecting me to notice because I'm female, and we've tried rotas etc (I can create a rota or list perfectly fine, if I walk around each room and note what needs to be done. I can see it when I'm looking for it. Difference is DH sees it when he's not looking for it.) - problem with a rota is it doesn't get done.

I am loathe to "put DH in charge" of the cleaning as he works more hours than me. He is "in charge" of the washing up, because I utterly utterly loathe it. I am "in charge" of the laundry, because I quite enjoy it. Everything else gets done by whoever. As said, I don't mind cleaning. I'm not being a whiny lazy bitch who would rather leave it to somebody else (thanks, ex!) I just have an issue getting from the point of "Oh how lovely, I'm relaxed, don't have anything to do, la la la" to "Hmm OK so the floor needs sweeping, the sink could do with a wipe down, that jumper doesn't belong there, DS has forgotten to hang his bag up again", do it and then relax and feel there is nothing that needs doing.

In fact, DH is most often telling me that I am not defective and I don't have a problem and that I should stop assuming he is putting me down or thinking the worst, because he is not.

You sound a lot like me, Bertie. In my youth I was married to a lovely young man who hated cooking, so I took charge of the cooking and he took charge of tidying.
So you do the laundry and he does the dishes. Could he do the tidying and you wash the floors? Washing floors is not a fun job, but I find tidying more complicated for an untidy person like myself.

Oh I'm definitely more for cleaning than tidying - I quite like cleaning the bathroom, but hate having to tidy up first!