Anyone else unable to forgive OH historic alcoholism?

[Somethingtodo]

We have been together 30 years. He had a big drink problem for over 20 years - gave up totally for 5 years - and is now drinking again (last 5 years) - but not so heavily. But I keep having flashbacks to the alcohol incidents - and wondering why I endured them at the time....does that mean I forgave that behaviour then ? but why am I looking back with anger. now...?

These are the flashbacks:

Me cowering and trying to cover for you whilst feeling deep shame, watching our friends wince with embarrassment when you were the only one really steaming drunk when we were out or when we entertained - slurring, dribbling, red-faced, eyes-rolling, head lolling, falling asleep at the dining table by 9.30, boring the arse of people, not being able to keep up with the conversation, falling over, dancing like a dick head.

Every, fucking, time. Me getting distressed and moody on every social occasion when you behaved like this - so never enjoying anything and creating an atmosphere with F&F.

Then next day your long lie ins and hours in the bath, reading the news papers detached emotionally and physically unavailable to us all (x4dcs) as you dealt with the hang-over so could not participate in normal family life - the fun stuff and the not so fun stuff (childcare/chores/decisions etc) - so I did this all alone with seething bitterness and contempt.

Your refusal to acknowledge that you had a drink problem (even though both of your parents are/were alcoholics) - because as you were able to (i.e. forced to) totally cut out drinking Sun-Th as you couldn't function at work with hangovers and you had already lost one job -- but from your pov it was fine to get hammered on Fri & Sat and to not function as a father or husband all weekend and on holidays. So you minimised and defined yourself as a "binge drinker" not an alcoholic. N.B. AA definition is that you have a problem when your drinking impacts/upsets those around you......it did, you knew that, and did not care.

The constant lying about how much you had drunk. Every single time. 'just had one bottle of red" - so who does the empty 2 litre bottle of cider below to?

The visual image of you behaving like this on our wedding night - you stayed up in friends bedroom until 6am and then zig-zagged along the hotel corridor then slumped to the floor at our door.

The time (or the only time I was aware of it at least) that you shat yourself due to being so pissed - we were alone in a foreign capital city and the rest of NYE was spent trying to find somewhere to clean you up and dump your pants.

The time when I had just given birth, asked you not to drink whilst looking after our PFB and went up to bed...came down at 4am to find baby stuck at end of sofa and you slumped drunk.

When I had gone away for 2 nights to a family wedding leaving you in sole charge of just turned 2yo, 3yo and 5 yo - and you triumphantly declared on my return that you were now teetotal - because, your words, "I thought - Great!! she is going away, no nag, nag, nag about drinking - I can get brilliantly plastered - so I did - but the next day i couldn't cope with the kids and though I would die" - I took this as a positive - and congratulated your efforts - i did not consider the risk you exposed our v young children to and I did not appreciate that I should never have left you with them. I am deeply ashamed of this.

For the 5 years you were dry - I strangely found it deeply irritating, i suppose it was admitting that you could not do moderation i.e. normal and that the problem and the label was 100% real. All or nothing Then you started drinking again, slowly at first and now heavyish - and lies are creeping back in again.

Loads of other hideous (non drink related) dreadful behaviour after the drinking subsided then crept in (or became more apparent) and I decided to divorce - but took you back as I knew that you would keep sliding and end up the lonely dirty alchi in a filthy little flat - and you would blame me (or I would take some responsibility) for this demise - and this was not the father I wanted for my x4 dc.

But it was just not working, i could not live lie - I despise and hate him for the historic alcoholism and have separated now for good.

Maybe the Q am asking is why can't I forgive myself for enduring/enabling for so long - and even though there is not an apparent drink problem now - I am unable to get over the past - both what he did and what I didn't do (i.e. walk)

[Somethingtodo]

Thanks Theysay.....and congratulations - what an achievement .... he knows nothing of AA - he cannot see that he has a significant problem requiring - as he states - 'sitting around in a church hall with some desperate alchis" - he thinks he is in control as he has gone teetotal. He is very ignorant about it and is in denial - he thinks that my suggestion that he go to AA is ridiculously extreme.

[TheySayIamparanoid]

You'd be surprised at the amount of laughter in some meetings- quite a lot of dark sense of humour!

If he doesn't get some kind of help, he's never going to properly stop obsessing about drink.
And you will just be waiting for it all to start again..

My DD once told me that she was happier if I'd had a bit to drink because I was usually in a foul mood without! She said she 'didn't like angry mummy'
So your DC are affected even if they've not seen their dad drunk, because his mind is constantly on it- counting down the hours till his next drink!

One of my favourite sayings is:
If nothing changes, nothing changes..

[MrsFring]

Some of the happiest times of my whole life were in AA meetings, that might sound a bit tragic but IF you properly engage then you can find the kind of candour and genuine mutual support that our hectic modern lives often lack. The Desperate Alchies at my home meeting included an Hollywood A-lister and Premier League footballer. Alcohol is a great leveller...

[peacoat]

Might I also suggest CODA (Co-Dependents Anonymous). You can attend both CODA and Al-Anon if you like.

Your H really hasn't accepted his problem, has he? He might never accept it - God knows he's had enough chances.

[Somethingtodo]

No he has not accepted his problem - so that is where I have to leave it. All I can do is work out my next move for my children and what support we need.

[Squeegle]

Dear something, I am sorry you're going through this. It really is up to you now. Please don't give him any more chances. Look after yourself and kids.
You cannot control him, he can do that. He is capable. That's what we codies struggle with, we believe we're needed. We love to hear people telling us we're needed, we believe it, that's our weakness.
But the vast majority of adults are very capable of making their own decisions and sticking to them. We have to let them! Step away.

[peacoat]

^^ what Squeegle said.