Qualities of a good man?

[CupidStuntSurvivor]

I always go for the bad-uns. The charmers. The ones who promise the world in the beginning then just take whatever they can get for as long as I'll put up with it.

I'm 7 months out of an abusive relationship and have an 8 month old daughter. To be honest, I have no intention of actively seeking a relationship right now but I also don't want to be bowled over by the next person who sees me as a cow ready for the milking. I'm funny, intelligent and generous and I want my next relationship to be with a man who deserves the best of me.

So, those of you who've experienced a truly loving, affectionate and fulfilling relationship, what did/does your significant other do that showed you that he was just right? What do you look out for?

And what are your deal breakers and red flags that tell you to ditch?

[Trapper]

There is a piece of advice for FX traders in Finance that goes: if you are a short term investor, listen to what governments say. If you are a long term investor, look at what governments do.
The same is true of potential partners. For a one-night stand - the charmer with the gift of the gab. For a relationship you need to look beyond that: self motivated, similar levels of tidiness to yourself, reliable and a group of friends (male and female) that you can see yourself fitting in with.

[CupidStuntSurvivor]

I do like the idea of having a shortlist of traits...I may have a think about that. I know that a quick temper is a deal breaker for me. And he must have good family values but with the ability to stand up to his parents when required .

[pinkfrocks]

You sound as if you know what you want then.

For me, I'd want certain basics such as intelligence ( lots of that), sense of humour, kindness, generosity in all senses, a strong self of self but not an egoist, ambition and the same political views, an interest in keeping fit and healthy, and some common interests, especially literature and the Arts.
Not much then?

[TheChandler]

I do like the idea of having a shortlist of traits...

You wouldn't believe how many times I was told I was being too picky for having such a thing. Good job I ignored them! And ignore people who say things like "Men prefer curvy women/slim women/good cooks/women with big bottoms, etc.." Theres no requirement to appeal to hordes of men, if you only want to find one man to spend the rest of your life with.

Don't be afraid to turn down men and not be persuaded against your better judgment to give them a chance.

Its not all positive traits either - I would have no interest in a man who was a heavy drinker, bad driver, too fussy or wimpy, too bossy, not independent enough (that's a big one for me), etc..

[ocelot41]

A strong sense of fairness. Respectful towards the women in his life (strong, platonic friendships are a good sign). Gentleness, abides by boundaries, willing to talk about the hard stuff rather than ducking it, evidence of loyalty, kindness and consistency not connected to getting into anyone's pants.

Was also very impressed with my now DH's reaction when I told him I was bi. Most blokes were either titillated (and asked if could watch etc) or frightened/repulsed. Either way their reaction was all about THEM. My DH quietly asked me if this was something I still wanted to explore or if I was ready to commit to just being with him because he really wanted to be with me - and offered to give me some time and space to think it through.I explained that I was dun roamin' and was looking for a partner I could love, possibly for life. He was delighted and since then has never had a problem with it - just accepting that this is part of who I am, like the size of my feet or the colour of my eyes. Definitely a keeper.

[BertieBotts]

First, time. You are very vulnerable for at least a year, perhaps longer especially if the relationship was long or your only serious relationship. I got together with DH after 10 months and although he is fine, I think I was lucky - there were a few things early on that if he had been abusive, I wouldn't have been able to walk away from. I just wasn't strong enough, even though I had thought I would be.

Second, you need to be fulfilled by your own life. If there's a gap in your life that you're waiting for a man to fill, it's much easier for an abusive man to fill it. They go around oozing into those gaps, they thrive in them. Close the gap. Think of yourself as more of a jigsaw piece, with "inny" and "outy" bits - you want them to enhance your life and for you to enhance theirs. You complement each other, you fit, but you don't need him to basically become the most important part of you.

So - do things that make you feel proud and capable. Buy a tool kit, start a project, look into old hobbies or new ones, make a five-year-plan, make general plans for the future and start taking steps towards them. Make your home really feel like yours, especially if it was a shared home with your ex. Paint walls, hang pictures, buy nice bedding. Basically, take some time to figure out who you are and what you like. This fits into the relationship stuff, because it's a red flag to look out for if a new man criticises or disapproves of anything that you do. Immediate dismissal! No second chances! (Maybe ONE, to make sure it wasn't a misunderstanding.) Green flags, on the other hand, are that he is excited and enthused about things that you do, supportive of your plans, encourages you to go for that scary promotion/course/goal. That excitement/enthusiasm is important - if he is just following along approving of and agreeing with everything you say, that might seem better than disapproval, but it's not the sign of a healthy relationship either, it's more mirroring. He should have his own ideas but be respectful and interested in yours too. And of course if your ideas are too different, then you might not be compatible anyway. If he wants to spend every weekend up a mountain or in a wood or down a cave and you'd rather spend weekends curled up at home in front of the TV then you're not going to make each other happy long term. That's another thing you have to get your head around - not every good guy will be the right guy for you, and that's okay. Don't settle for the first person you find who is nice, they have to be a good match for you too.

Third - boundaries. If you've been in bad relationships, your boundaries are probably shot. So do some practising. Set some really small, definitely non-sexual boundaries that seem almost insignificant. A person who respects small, insignificant-seeming boundaries is not going to cross big, important ones. Whereas a person who considers boundaries to be some kind of challenge that they like to slime all over will ridicule, push, wheedle, and somehow get past your boundaries, usually in such a way that you don't realise until after the fact "Oh bum, I wasn't going to let him do that." This is a red flag!! A giant one! When he wheedles his way into seeing you on Tuesday when you said you didn't want to date on weeknights, or making an excuse to look at your phone when you stated it was private, he's going to wheedle his way around everything that doesn't suit him. It's abusive behaviour. People who don't respect boundaries aren't interested in you as a person, they are interested in how far they can push you. It's a power game. Set some small ones as a test and see how they are reacted to.

I should add that the boundaries thing is a huge part of the "bad boy" attraction. So this might be something that you really need to do some serious work on. People (men) who disregard boundaries are really, really practised in how they do this. They have a way of making us feel that it was our own decision, which is sexy, seductive. Addictive. To say "I don't want him to do this" and for him to get you so worked up that you beg him to do it is incredibly powerful and a draw. It can feel like it would be boring or perhaps even scary to be the one in control. It feels really awkward at first, granted. It can even feel a bit of a let down. "What, you're just going to accept it, just like that? You're not even going to fight me for it? Tease me a bit? Don't you want me??" You have to reframe this and think "Wow, this person thinks a lot of me. They don't want to risk pushing me away or pushing me into something I'm not ready for. They are happy for me to be in control."

Don't worry that you're missing out on something by doing this. A person who respects your boundaries generally in life can still be exciting in the bedroom - even more so, actually, because you feel so much safer with them knowing that they would stop the moment they noticed you not feeling 100% into whatever is happening. With a person who disregards boundaries, those first kisses etc feel exciting but after a while sex becomes an ordeal or a chore, because it's all about him. With a person who respects boundaries sex tends to stay good because you're pushing new ground together, communicating, in touch, he is more aware of you.

You can look for those red flag lists, the relationship with his mother, the way he treats waitresses or talks about other women, etc, but fundamentally these three things are what you need for a healthy relationship. Time, independence, boundaries.

[BertieBotts]

Xposted :) Of course all of that applies to female partners too, but seems more pronounced with men as our culture tends to uphold it as a norm.

[clam]

I think that kindness is the absolute key. Watch how he treats other people, and is he nice to his mum? My (lovely) mil died a few years ago, but I've just heard dh on the phone to one of her elderly friends, chatting away to her and listening to her woes, despite him wanting to watch the cricket at the time.

Generosity (shares everything with me - would definitely give me his last Rolo), sense of humour, family-orientated, sociable, good sense of humour (or at least, the same as mine), intelligent, not sexist.

Won't go into his bad points: messiness, sport obsession, hopeless sense of direction...

[Tzibeleh]

My dh is totally unromantic (which TBH I do miss a bit). When I phoned him with my BFP he returned from work that evening with a sheaf of life insurance forms, and within 24h his life was insured with me as the beneficiary.

He is big and strong, but I never really realise just how strong, because he never uses his strength on me. Until the day I stumbled while scrambling over a rock, and he caught me and hauled me back up. I weighed more than him at that point.

This is a man with whom I feel safe, respected and cherished. The lack of flowers and chocolates and jewellry are more than compensated for by the knowledge the I and our dc are his sun and moon.

Yes, he can be a grump, and he does have some less-than-lovely knee-jerk reactions, but, later, when he is not stressed or uneasy, he will discuss these things rationally.

He is prepared to make the effort to change, despite his sometimes blinkered attitudes.

Dh is not perfect. He is a good man, and that's what matters.

[CupidStuntSurvivor]

Some fantastic advice there Bertie, thank you. There are some of your points I'm definitely working on already... I'm currently volunteering, going back into education next month to get a change in career and as I left the family home with DD (it was rented and he refused), I moved in somewhere and redecorated top to bottom, made little projects out of things etc. My sense of self has definitely returned, but I do need to make sure I reeducate my approach to relationships in order to make sure I don't lose it again.

[CupidStuntSurvivor]

Tzib I love that your DH's first reaction to your pregnancy was to make sure his family is catered for if he's not around. That is oddly romantic .

[Tzibeleh]

What Bertie says about respecting boundaries is spot-on. Especially when that respect extends beyond the point of familiarity at which you might expect to relax the boundaries, or even if you have relaxed the boundaries but then chose to put them up again.

[Tzibeleh]

Yes, a weird sort of romanticism. He tries, but is such intensely practical individual (once took me for a twilight stroll past a sewage farm!)

[CupidStuntSurvivor]

Agree clam that sexism of any form is a deal breaker for me.

[ocelot41]

Tzibeleh are we married to the same man? Mine once took me for a stroll around some abandoned gasworks. He doesn't really DO romance, but he does do loving care and that matters much more.

[aliciaj]

I never get the red flag if you get together quick. We lived together and were engaged within a few months. That was many years ago but he is respectful, kind, family man, does way more than 50% at home, fun, attractive etc.

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

My "good man" blueprint comes from both good and bad experiences (often in the same person not looking at you DH!),
let's see ......

Respect
Ability to love
Even temper
Sense of perspective
Parenting skills
Intelligence
Compassion
Mutual interest in caring about the things that matter most
Lack of materialism
Sociability
Sense of humour
Similar tastes or wide tastes in music etc.
good lover
Nice!

[BlackbirdOnTheWire]

I met DH when I was 19 so don't really have any prior experience of relationships for comparison - just the usual school/university boyfriend stuff.

However, he is kind, thoughtful in important ways (like Tzibeleh, his first actions when I got pregnant were to update life and medical insurance, check out wills etc), generous, generally very patient (though the DC, 5 and 2, are trying him atm - we're taking it in turns to take over as soon as we hear the other is about to snap!), caring, puts family first, reliable, great sense of humour.

Tbh I thought he was a little old-fashioned and boring when I first met him, but lovely. I now understand those are also qualities to be treasured , and that it is easy to mistake "not incredibly exhilarating, bit too sensible" for boring.

DH is also very similar in many ways to my DF - responsible, inclined to be cautious, family-oriented, totally reliable, witty, generous, loving. I guess that's where I got lucky and I am sure that having those expectations of a man/family life influenced my choice of partner. My parents liked DH as soon as they met him. I think as soon as my DF discovered DH was a fellow Wine Society member, he figured here was a man he could do business with!

[BlackbirdOnTheWire]

I also think your own personality is important. I used to get frustrated that DH isn't more competitive or ambitious - but after 2 decades together, I have realised that being so competitive myself, if he was too we would compete with each other. I urge him on, he calms me down. He lets my rants blow over him, doesn't feel the need to have the last word and just grins and hands me a glass of wine when I apologise sheepishly a bit later.

[BertieBotts]

aliciaj Red flag just means warning sign, really, it doesn't mean that the bloke will definitely be a bad'un.

The fast progression of a relationship is a warning sign because abusive/manipulative people often push a relationship fast in order to create a sort of whirlwind where the abused person doesn't get a chance to stop and think about what's happening, they're just caught up in the romance. Plus, it can be a sign that somebody is a bit emotionally immature. Finally, it's the boundaries thing again. Someone who is respectful of boundaries is careful not to push you too far too fast to make sure that you're really happy about what's happening.

Yes it's perfectly possible that if both partners are just really into the relationship/are young then you can both just get carried away and it happens quickly with no harm done, but it still does no harm to step back in those initial stages and think "Hang on, let's give this some time, am I sure?" so it's good practice to avoid. Basically it's not that fast relationships are bad in themselves, it's just they can be risky because it's harder to tell if your partner is abusive or not.

Some small other things I've noticed/been surprised about with DH (in a nice way :))

• When he's drunk he just gets cuddly and a bit silly/open/talkative/amorous, and sometimes falls asleep. He doesn't become loud, obnoxious or aggressive or argumentative.
  
• When he does some kind of "romantic gesture", sometimes it's a little bit off that "woman blueprint" (think flowers, jewellery, etc) but it's always got a thought attached to it - it's never just "Flowers - she's a woman, she'll like them" but "I know you like these kind of bracelets so I got some for you", he remembered me once buying a chocolate bar so chose that brand, he once heated up the entire bedroom to sauna levels with a storage heater because I always feel cold, etc. He doesn't always get it right but he has always thought about it, which is what counts.
  
• When he's mad at me he is still nice to me. This blows me away. I'm starting to separate "mad at something I've done" from "thinks me a totally incompetent and awful person which I obviously am". He's not AS forthcoming as he would be if he was feeling happy but he's not totally stone cold either.

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

"When he's mad at me he is still nice to me" You've got a good 'un there BertieBotts - I think that's a pretty key thing to look for ....

as in my list it shows both a good level of respect and a sense of perspective combined with an even temper

[NoLongerJustAShopGirl]

When he's mad at me he is still nice to me that is the one statement I put right at the top of the list! DH and I have that.

[clam]

Forgot to add reliability and honesty. In the 25 years I've known dh, I've never known him to lie or cheat anyone.