Qualities of a good man?

[CupidStuntSurvivor]

I always go for the bad-uns. The charmers. The ones who promise the world in the beginning then just take whatever they can get for as long as I'll put up with it.

I'm 7 months out of an abusive relationship and have an 8 month old daughter. To be honest, I have no intention of actively seeking a relationship right now but I also don't want to be bowled over by the next person who sees me as a cow ready for the milking. I'm funny, intelligent and generous and I want my next relationship to be with a man who deserves the best of me.

So, those of you who've experienced a truly loving, affectionate and fulfilling relationship, what did/does your significant other do that showed you that he was just right? What do you look out for?

And what are your deal breakers and red flags that tell you to ditch?

[Dowser]

Honest, reliable, respectful, generous in spirit, willing to adapt to new ideas, even tempered

A bit fanciable

No kinks or fetishes

Loves you to bits
Doesn't need to change

Doesn't want to change you

[SueBridehead]

My dh is an extremely good man. I wasn't convinced to begin with and thought he was a bit wet but (thankfully) realised the importance of kindness and patience in a marriage and now appreciate all of his lovely traits.

He is close to his family and respects his mother and sister. He wa also keen to meet my family and gets on really well with them.
He is comfortable in his own skin.
He is kind and generous but almost never makes big gestures (only when pushed!)
He doesn't shout or swear (a personal one, doing either doesn't mean you're not a good person!)

[CupidStuntSurvivor]

Along with having friends...abusive ex turned out to have no actual friends. Just women he kept on the side to sleep with when he got bored.

[CupidStuntSurvivor]

Very good points there HumblePie...they shall be going on my list!

[MiniTheMinxLovesMinxPies]

Does he love his mother?

[Mummyoftwobeautifulpoppets]

Anyone that has seen the wedding singer will probably understand the window seat thing!

[Mummyoftwobeautifulpoppets]

Should've been a red flag when, on our first holiday together, xp insisted on having the window seat so he could see everything. I wasn't bothered really and would be happy to give it up but honestly, a grown man needing the window seat??!
It's such a little thing, but it showed me he didn't put me first.

[ocelot41]

Knows how to voice his own needs, preferences and fears without forcing you to comply with them. I would rather have a bit of straight talking, rather than a total bolt from the blue, or those awful guessing games some men play where they won't quite tell you what's going on, but you know something is up.

[HumblePieMonster]

Isn't shagging half your village.
Doesn't have a significant criminal history.
Doesn't have a wife.

[CrankItUp]

Solvent
Sense of humour
Does what he says he's gong to do
Is supportive when shit happens
Has friends and good relationships with parents/siblings
Has interests
Is kind to animals and children
Wants to listen to what you have to say, not just have you listen to him
Scrubs up well
Fanciable
Bedroom skills
Doesn't slag off his exs

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

I forgot to add the ability to be interested in your stuff, friends, family etc.
and to listen to you.

DH is not great at this partly because he has so much to say himself.

I don't listen to him well either as am always looking for an opportunity to get a few words in myself.

Ho Hum

[CogitOIOIO]

@aliciaj.... The common problem with those who rush into a relationship is that they're making a judgement based on someone's 'date face'.... ie everyone on best behaviour. If you're very, very lucky and the other person is not presenting a front that is very different from their regular selves, it can work. It also relies on everyone being very happy to go at the same speed.

A more sinister problem surrounds 'rushers'. These people try to bounce partners into whirlwind romances that make them uncomfortable, and are not motivated by love but by control. They typically offer undying love, marriage, children, the works, persuading people to move location, quit careers, drop family and leave 'killjoy' friends behind. By the time the abuse gets going in earnest, the victim is isolated, tied down & financially dependent.

[clam]

Forgot to add reliability and honesty. In the 25 years I've known dh, I've never known him to lie or cheat anyone.

[NoLongerJustAShopGirl]

When he's mad at me he is still nice to me that is the one statement I put right at the top of the list! DH and I have that.

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

"When he's mad at me he is still nice to me" You've got a good 'un there BertieBotts - I think that's a pretty key thing to look for ....

as in my list it shows both a good level of respect and a sense of perspective combined with an even temper

[BertieBotts]

aliciaj Red flag just means warning sign, really, it doesn't mean that the bloke will definitely be a bad'un.

The fast progression of a relationship is a warning sign because abusive/manipulative people often push a relationship fast in order to create a sort of whirlwind where the abused person doesn't get a chance to stop and think about what's happening, they're just caught up in the romance. Plus, it can be a sign that somebody is a bit emotionally immature. Finally, it's the boundaries thing again. Someone who is respectful of boundaries is careful not to push you too far too fast to make sure that you're really happy about what's happening.

Yes it's perfectly possible that if both partners are just really into the relationship/are young then you can both just get carried away and it happens quickly with no harm done, but it still does no harm to step back in those initial stages and think "Hang on, let's give this some time, am I sure?" so it's good practice to avoid. Basically it's not that fast relationships are bad in themselves, it's just they can be risky because it's harder to tell if your partner is abusive or not.

Some small other things I've noticed/been surprised about with DH (in a nice way :))

• When he's drunk he just gets cuddly and a bit silly/open/talkative/amorous, and sometimes falls asleep. He doesn't become loud, obnoxious or aggressive or argumentative.
  
• When he does some kind of "romantic gesture", sometimes it's a little bit off that "woman blueprint" (think flowers, jewellery, etc) but it's always got a thought attached to it - it's never just "Flowers - she's a woman, she'll like them" but "I know you like these kind of bracelets so I got some for you", he remembered me once buying a chocolate bar so chose that brand, he once heated up the entire bedroom to sauna levels with a storage heater because I always feel cold, etc. He doesn't always get it right but he has always thought about it, which is what counts.
  
• When he's mad at me he is still nice to me. This blows me away. I'm starting to separate "mad at something I've done" from "thinks me a totally incompetent and awful person which I obviously am". He's not AS forthcoming as he would be if he was feeling happy but he's not totally stone cold either.

[BlackbirdOnTheWire]

I also think your own personality is important. I used to get frustrated that DH isn't more competitive or ambitious - but after 2 decades together, I have realised that being so competitive myself, if he was too we would compete with each other. I urge him on, he calms me down. He lets my rants blow over him, doesn't feel the need to have the last word and just grins and hands me a glass of wine when I apologise sheepishly a bit later.

[BlackbirdOnTheWire]

I met DH when I was 19 so don't really have any prior experience of relationships for comparison - just the usual school/university boyfriend stuff.

However, he is kind, thoughtful in important ways (like Tzibeleh, his first actions when I got pregnant were to update life and medical insurance, check out wills etc), generous, generally very patient (though the DC, 5 and 2, are trying him atm - we're taking it in turns to take over as soon as we hear the other is about to snap!), caring, puts family first, reliable, great sense of humour.

Tbh I thought he was a little old-fashioned and boring when I first met him, but lovely. I now understand those are also qualities to be treasured , and that it is easy to mistake "not incredibly exhilarating, bit too sensible" for boring.

DH is also very similar in many ways to my DF - responsible, inclined to be cautious, family-oriented, totally reliable, witty, generous, loving. I guess that's where I got lucky and I am sure that having those expectations of a man/family life influenced my choice of partner. My parents liked DH as soon as they met him. I think as soon as my DF discovered DH was a fellow Wine Society member, he figured here was a man he could do business with!

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

My "good man" blueprint comes from both good and bad experiences (often in the same person not looking at you DH!),
let's see ......

Respect
Ability to love
Even temper
Sense of perspective
Parenting skills
Intelligence
Compassion
Mutual interest in caring about the things that matter most
Lack of materialism
Sociability
Sense of humour
Similar tastes or wide tastes in music etc.
good lover
Nice!

[aliciaj]

I never get the red flag if you get together quick. We lived together and were engaged within a few months. That was many years ago but he is respectful, kind, family man, does way more than 50% at home, fun, attractive etc.

[ocelot41]

Tzibeleh are we married to the same man? Mine once took me for a stroll around some abandoned gasworks. He doesn't really DO romance, but he does do loving care and that matters much more.

[CupidStuntSurvivor]

Agree clam that sexism of any form is a deal breaker for me.

[Tzibeleh]

Yes, a weird sort of romanticism. He tries, but is such intensely practical individual (once took me for a twilight stroll past a sewage farm!)