Husband got drunk and I hate it

[Whereismyb12]

Husband goes out with his best mate/friends once a week. I prefer to stay home and read (not a big fan of going out). Usually he's had a few drinks but is still in 'talking' state if I happen to be still up when he comes back, or quietly takes his clothes off and goes to bed. Sometimes, and by that I mean maybe once a month or two, he comes really pissed and I hate it because he's illogical and stubborn like hell in this state, even though still no trouble other than a bloody strong smell of alcohol which I hate (smell, not alcohol).

A bit of background: his father was an alcoholic when DH was a child/teenager which caused many financial/psychological problems to the family. Father was also violent after he had too many so DH feels very strong about not wanting to become like him. I like to have a drink too but my maximum is 2 drinks (afterwards I will simply fall asleep and feel like shit the next day so it's not worth it). I am afraid of drunk people and don't trust them. They disgust me. Always been like that and DH knows it.

Yesterday DH went to see his best mate and promised to be back at reasonable o' clock as we had plans for the morning. I went to bed at midnight, he wasn't home yet. Woke up at 5am, he wasn't in bed. Got worried and went to check the living room. He was there, sitting asleep on the couch, all lights on. I wanted him to be more comfortable and get in bed so I woke him up. I wasn't even trying to sound like a loving wife as he reeked of alcohol and it disgusted me. He was really drunk, so much that he was mumbling and couldn't stand straight. I told him to get in bed in our spare room as I didn't want to share my nice clean bed with a beer brewery but he was bloody drunk-stubborn and decided to sleep in our bedroom as he always does. I got angry and started pushing him towards the spare room saying no way he's sleeping with me. He started pushing me back in defense. To his credit he wasn't aggressive or attacking me, just defending himself from my pushing him into the spare room like if I was an annoying fly. He's too heavy/strong for me to push him successfully and the bedroom door doesn't have a lock so I gave up. Took the duvet and let him have the bedroom, went to the spare room myself. I was so shaken I couldn't stop crying.

But when we were pushing each other I got a flashback of all these films, friends' stories and internet threads about drunk partners and of how I always swore I would not let myself get in that situation. I do not deserve that. I don't want to feel uncomfortable because some idiot had too much to drink. I will not enable anyone's drinking getting out of hand.

I think I'm just shocked at DH pushing me back as he would never do that when sober. Just to clarify: he was never (now or in the past) physically violent towards me and knows the second it happens (IF it was ever to happen(, I'm calling the police and getting a solicitor.

I haven't posted in AIBU because I don't feel U. I just don't know how to react in the morning.

[LongDistanceLove]

If you wanted to make him comfortable you should have just chucked a blanket over him and turned the lights off.

[pictish]

It's a matter of degrees. I think that getting mumbly-staggery-fall asleep in the chair drunk once every two months is within my range of acceptable.

[CrockedPot]

My dh does this very occasionally - goes out with his mates, comes back drunk and falls asleep on the sofa. If I do happen to hear him come in, I might go and chuck a blanket over him. I think you need to at least be honest with yourself and acknowledge that the reason you woke him up was because you were annoyed with him for getting drunk in the first place.

[WhereTheWildlingsAre]

Yes, I agree with others.

Your hatred of drunkeness made you quite goady. I too would have just shoved a blanket over him. He was asleep after all, and so would have been no better or worse for the meeting you have.

Your op comes across as quite controlling and about what your husband should be doing all the time, rather than any consideration about what he wants to do. You want him to behave in a way that fits you best but what if that does not fit with what makes him happy?

[pictish]

I might give dh a shake and see if he wanted to come to bed to sleep...but if the response was "nnnggnnhmmrrI'mFINEmmggnngnn", I'd chuck over a blanket and leave him. Pah.

[Hatespiders]

I totally sympathise and agree with you OP. I don't drink alcohol at all and neither does my dh. (He's Muslim) If I had a dp or dh who got himself in this state I just couldn't bear it. I have never been drunk in my life, and of course neither has he. Like you, I'm afraid of people who are drunk.

The point is, you are not compatible. If he's unwilling to stop drinking like this ever again, then you'll be coping with this situation over and over.

Not many people in UK are completely teetotal, and everyone has the right to decide on their own drinking limits. The important thing is that both members of a marriage have the same limits.

[Flimflammer]

If he went out and got so drunk that he spent a cold night on the sofa and some up stiff and achey, and then mucked up the meeting you should let him deal with the consequences. I understand why you hate drinking and he shouldn't be behaving like this knowing how much you hate it, but you didnt handle it well.

The not sticking to what he said just before the important meeting is what you should be focussed on. Appologies all round, but his unreliability around drink needs addressing.

[choochoomcgrew]

If I went out and ended up like this, my dp would put a blanket on me, tuck me in, put a pint of water next to me and kiss me goodnight. I'd do the same for him. Not that that has ever happened, but we both like socialising/drinking in company (doing so tonight, really looking forward to it) . He's my best friend, would totally take care of him.

[Tobyjugg]

Never try to reason with a drunk. You should have left him there. When he's sober then you need to have the talk about how much distress he's causing you and that it has to stop or be seriously cutback or you're out. If he loves you he'll comply - he'll sulk a bit but he'll do it. Having done so, he may slip up from time to time so you'll have to talk to him again. This is based on hard personal experience. Many years ago DW gave me "the talk" at full screaming pitch volume from a distance of about 3 feet. You may prefer a more subtle approach.

[Tobyjugg]

In my case, the choice was simple. I like beer (still do); I love my DW.

[SeattleGraceMercyDeath]

If this isn't a new thing I do think it's unfair to ask him to stop drinking because of your issues.

[neart]

Your behaviour in this episode is pretty shocking . He goes out with his friends has a few drinks and sleeps on the couch, you wake him with the principle aim of having a confrontation. You then become physically aggressive because he wants to sleep in his own bed and you react to this by going to spare room to cry. You sound completely unhinged tbh.

[Monathevampire1]

OP your post and updates are all about you and what you want. You say you have deep seated issues around drunkenness then get some counselling and explore the issue. If it's a deal breaker then have that conversation. If he doesn't want to change then he or you may choose to end the relationship. Waking a sleeping person who had been drinking was stupid and unnecessary you could just have thrown a blanket over him. You were aggressive towards him and he defended him self - don't play the victim.

[Vivacia]

I think he needs an apology today. But be kind to yourself too.

I think this sums it up OP. Might be worth looking in to counselling?

(FWIW me and DP must be two of that very rare breed of people who don't drink )

[hollyangel]

I have to disagree with lots of the posters here. Firstly, he told the OP he wouldn't be late. I presume there was no contact to then let her know he was on a bender? It seems quite clear that the reason she woke him up was not to annoy him, but to have him sleep in a bed. It's not normal behaviour to be so drunk that you fall asleep on a couch? Then, her husband was so drunk that he was incoherent and starting pushing back at her when she was trying to direct him to the bedroom. Again, I would imagine OP's use of the word pushing wasn't with force, merely guiding instead. I would find the pushing back of a drunk person very scary, as it's clear that they don't know their actions. What if children were around?

I think the reason that there is such a problem with alcohol in the UK is that this kind of behaviour is acceptable to many and becomes normalised. He clearly has a genetic predisposition to alcoholism, from his father, so he more than anyone should know he has to be careful.

I also think as OP hasn't been brought up in this country, has a normal idea of what drinking should be I.e one or two drinks of an evening as opposed to a binge drinking session.

[ofmiceandmen]

I was going to leave this as a private message but .. let me wade in with an opinion - that differs from most of the other posts -

I think you post got lost in the 'don't tell me what to do' bubble and most posters are reflecting their own delight or even concerns/guilt for their drunken nights and the after math.

Moving your partner off the sofa and into the spare bedroom is not abuse nor some violation of his personal rights.

he's a big man - she didn't exactly pick him up and shove him around.

I think you both need to set boundaries and discuss things they are willing to accept and what to do/or not on nights like that.

This will wear away at any relationship. It's a mis-match that for now seldom raises it's head.

You were not being unreasonable. separate the two arguments, else you will be the spoil sport that went over the top because your fun husband dared to have a drink. (drunks make good victims and huddle so quickly)

Good luck.

[YouAreMyRain]

OP, have you heard of al-anon, (not Alcoholics Anonymous, al-anon is a separate group for anyone affected by other peoples drinking) I think you might find it interesting and hopefully, helpful.

[pictish]

I am not a drunk thanks mice.

[Bowlersarm]

most posters are reflecting their own delight or even concerns/guilt for their drunken nights and the after math

Christ alive ofmiceandmen how lovely of you to look into your crystal ball and accuse posters of shame about their own behaviour. How bloody rude of you.

[ofmiceandmen]

Apologies pictish , people that get drunk huddle quickly together.

i.e. easily find common ground.

Drunk - Intoxicated with alcoholic liquor to the point of impairment of physical and mental faculties.

A drunk - someone who often finds themselves in the above position.

Alcoholic - being dependent on drink. not necessarily a drunk.

I respect everyones choice to be at any level hitherto described (disclaimer)

[ofmiceandmen]

Sorry I thought i had been even in my approach - I did indicate 'delight' which thankfully is the case for most.

Some may enter the latter concern/guilt. - Surely we cannot pretend some people feel guilt?

No implications intended to cause offence. Let's crack open a pint or pop that bottle of wine and make merry

[Twinklestein]

OP fwiw I don't think you have issues around alcohol or deep-seated otherwise. Don't let people here tell you you have. You are perfectly entitled to your own stance on alcohol just as you would be on drugs or porn.

The responses here simply reflect the fact that we live in a country where drinking to excess is normalised.

I can't stand drunk people, and if my husband came home drunk once a week and completely smashed once a month we would have a problem. Just as he would if I did. I find it really unattractive and annoying. If you've got an important meeting the next morning I just think it's really immature and irresponsible to get hammered the night before.

I dated a guy before I met my husband who I really liked, he was super-bright, very interesting and talented, but he binge-drank and I just found it a total turn off and lost patience very quickly.

I think your different approaches to alcohol is an issue in your marriage that you have to address. Preferably when he's sober.

[exWifebeginsat40]

i AM a drunk (7 months sober now), or an alky if you prefer - my partner drinks but it's really none of my business how much, as long as it doesn't affect my sobriety. which is mine, and i don't expect anyone to stay dry around me as it's me who's the alcoholic.

OP, does your husband realise just how much this upsets you? as in, will you talk about this when you're both entirely present, but soon enough for the conversation to relate to exact events rather than 'i don't like it'?

ofmiceandmen your categories of drinkers and your attitude towards 'drunks' should probably stay private as it sounds like utter bollocks to me.

OP, there is no point at all in engaging with a person who is that drunk. you need to be able to talk about this with your husband, and it would help to take the emotion out of it if you can. nothing made me more angry than people giving it 'YOU did this - you are a terrible, awful person and oh god i can't stand you'...well, yes. emotionally stable people don't tend to be raging alcoholics. i hate myself too. i did some terrible things when actively drinking. i was an awful, selfish person. who was also, incidentally, very ill. your husband doesn't sound like this to me. but then, i don't live in your marriage.

i hope you can resolve this.