Husband got drunk and I hate it

[Whereismyb12]

Husband goes out with his best mate/friends once a week. I prefer to stay home and read (not a big fan of going out). Usually he's had a few drinks but is still in 'talking' state if I happen to be still up when he comes back, or quietly takes his clothes off and goes to bed. Sometimes, and by that I mean maybe once a month or two, he comes really pissed and I hate it because he's illogical and stubborn like hell in this state, even though still no trouble other than a bloody strong smell of alcohol which I hate (smell, not alcohol).

A bit of background: his father was an alcoholic when DH was a child/teenager which caused many financial/psychological problems to the family. Father was also violent after he had too many so DH feels very strong about not wanting to become like him. I like to have a drink too but my maximum is 2 drinks (afterwards I will simply fall asleep and feel like shit the next day so it's not worth it). I am afraid of drunk people and don't trust them. They disgust me. Always been like that and DH knows it.

Yesterday DH went to see his best mate and promised to be back at reasonable o' clock as we had plans for the morning. I went to bed at midnight, he wasn't home yet. Woke up at 5am, he wasn't in bed. Got worried and went to check the living room. He was there, sitting asleep on the couch, all lights on. I wanted him to be more comfortable and get in bed so I woke him up. I wasn't even trying to sound like a loving wife as he reeked of alcohol and it disgusted me. He was really drunk, so much that he was mumbling and couldn't stand straight. I told him to get in bed in our spare room as I didn't want to share my nice clean bed with a beer brewery but he was bloody drunk-stubborn and decided to sleep in our bedroom as he always does. I got angry and started pushing him towards the spare room saying no way he's sleeping with me. He started pushing me back in defense. To his credit he wasn't aggressive or attacking me, just defending himself from my pushing him into the spare room like if I was an annoying fly. He's too heavy/strong for me to push him successfully and the bedroom door doesn't have a lock so I gave up. Took the duvet and let him have the bedroom, went to the spare room myself. I was so shaken I couldn't stop crying.

But when we were pushing each other I got a flashback of all these films, friends' stories and internet threads about drunk partners and of how I always swore I would not let myself get in that situation. I do not deserve that. I don't want to feel uncomfortable because some idiot had too much to drink. I will not enable anyone's drinking getting out of hand.

I think I'm just shocked at DH pushing me back as he would never do that when sober. Just to clarify: he was never (now or in the past) physically violent towards me and knows the second it happens (IF it was ever to happen(, I'm calling the police and getting a solicitor.

I haven't posted in AIBU because I don't feel U. I just don't know how to react in the morning.

[HonestLie]

There is a difference between directing someone and pushing someone though isn't there.

[Whereismyb12]

I thought DH was so drunk I would direct him to bed in 30 seconds and that would be it, I could go back to bed. I see that for some people it's difficult to imagine I wanted to be kind to him despite being annoyed at his behaviour. Anyway that is what happened.

[Laquitar]

Were you both stressed about the meeting and you have reacted to the stress in different ways?
Him by drinking and you by demanding attention?

Tbh if you are 'afraid of drunk people'then you let them sleep. You dont wake them up and push them. It sounds a bit like a cry for attention, like creating a fight and 'flasbacks from films and internet' because you were feeling valnerable? Which is understanding if the meeting was something stressfull and emotional.

[HonestLie]

I should say once to excess not just once.

[HonestLie]

People drink differently if once every one or two months is viewed as too much then that's absolutely fine everyone is entitled to their opinion but you don't marry someone if your beliefs are that strong on it.

I don't think I misunderstood your post OP I understand that you woke your husband up, berated him and pushed him. You were then shocked and shaken he pushed you back because he wouldn't do it sober. It's ok for you to do it sober but not him to do it drunk

To me neither of you should have pushed. There is pushing and there is guiding. One is acceptable one is not draw your own conclusions.

If the roles were reversed and you came on as a male saying this you would have been flamed it's that simple.

[MothershipG]

I really don't get why so many people are so anxious to demonise the OP. She has valid reasons for not being comfortable around drunk people that her DH is aware of.

She concedes that she should have left him alone instead of trying to make him more comfortable.

They've had a sober conversation and resolved the issue to their mutual satisfaction.

Aware I can say the same about not drinking to excess and not having friends or family who do, and we're largely British.

I'm shocked at how much vitriol has been expressed against those that don't think heavy drinking, especially as a regular occurance, is ok.

[Bogeyface]

Drunk people equal danger in my experience

and yet you decided to not only wake him up but push him around when he wouldnt do exactly what you wanted?

I am afraid that your insistence that you are frightened of drunk people doesnt match your actions, it does seem that you woke him because you were pissed off and wanted to prove a point. If you were that frightened of him then you would have let him be.

[AwakeCantSleep]

Do most people on here really think that it's fine to get drunk regularly? Apart from alcohol dependency and related health problems, I really detest drunkenness. I enjoy drinking alcohol, but I do not get drunk. And I wouldn't date (never mind marry) someone who does. Enjoying a drink is one thing; losing control over one's behaviour due to drink is another.

I think this is a cultural thing though. Drinking heavily has been normalised in Britain. I'm coming to this from a Continental European perspective. None of my friends or family there drink to excess (and they all enjoy drinking alcohol socially). Nobody I know goes out to get drunk. I mean what's the point? It's expensive and you can't remember anything afterwards.

So I have sympathies with the OP. (Though I do think she should have let him sleep and deal with the consequences.) I don't think she and her OH are compatible in this respect. It would be a deal breaker for me.

[McFox]

Can you imagine if a man came in here and said the same thing? Can you read your latest explanation back to yourself and hear how flippant you sound? It's pretty shocking to be honest.

[Vivacia]

I am sympathetic towards your feelings and motivations OP but I think that your reasons for waking him are disingenuous.

[pictish]

There would've been nothing to report at all if you'd just left him alone, not bothering a soul, asleep on the chair.

[Whereismyb12]

I know this is not ok. I apologized to DH about that. But it was far from the image of domestic violence as described above.

I didn't want to let him sleep in the bedroom because that would mean I would have to sleep in the spare room (because of the smell). That would mean I bear the consequences of his drinking whether I like it or not. And that's how it ended anyway.

[Vivacia]

I never hit him or pushed him so hard he could fell.

That's still not ok.

[JoyceDivision]

when your dh wobbled toward the bedroom, why didn't you just let him wobble in there and you sleep in the spare room? Rather than trying to steer a drunken tired chap around?

[Whereismyb12]

Wow, Honest, it is really funny the way you (mis)understood what I had written :-D. If I wasn't the OP I would have thought, just by reading your description of the events, that there is a very violent unhinged woman running free somewhere there and the society should do something about it. You read way more than what I said and not in the right direction.

I pushed DH in the direction of the spare room because the guy tried to walk past me to the bedroom and, being very drunk, he didn't seem to understand when I asked him many times to go to the other room. I started pushing him in the right direction, he pushed me back, I pushed him towards the spare room, he pushed me towards the bedroom etc. Yes I got angry and annoyed because I knew that if he was sober he would understand and agree with me and sleep on the couch that night, but the stumbling drunken guy he became knew no logic or else. I never hit him or pushed him so hard he could fell. And your guess is wrong - had there been any lock ON THE BEDROOM DOOR I would have locked myself away from him to sleep yes - I would never lock HIM IN the spare room. He's not a naughty dog barking at a postman ffs! Next thing I know you accuse me of torturing newborn kittens...

[HonestLie]

Actually I take back my borderline comment. It isn't borderline violent it is violent.

I'm just trying to think what the reaction would be if a woman came onto a forum saying "I went out last night, had a few too many. Went home and fell asleep on a chair my husband was asleep upstairs, was woken up at 5am by my husband who was clearly pissed off with me. He then made comments about not wanting to share his clean bed with me because I smelt like a brewery and in my half asleep still a bit drunk state ignored him, went to go towards the bedroom and he started pushing me. I half heartedly pushed back to get him off me and he tried to push me harder when that wasn't successful he then went off in a huff to sleep in the spare room and this morning remains adamant that I am the one who was entirely unreasonable and he done nothing wrong".

I can guarantee there would be a united chorus of LTB. You also said in your OP that there is no lock. If you had a lock and had succeed in getting him into the spare room you would have locked the door wouldn't you OP.

Quite frankly you sound slightly unhinged. I have zero problem with people who don't like being around drunk people. I do have an issue with abusive people and that OP is exactly how you are coming across.

[McFox]

OP you are owe him an apology. He was downstairs, not bothering you, and you woke him up, had a go at him then got emotional. You sound like hard work. If you're that incompatible then do something about it, but whining on a forum about how terrible your DH is when the issues around booze are all yours does you no favours at all.

[Deux]

@bastard. No you didn't. You said 'adults don't need to apologise for being drunk ...'

And who really cares what a bunch of drunkards thinks anyway.

Everyone has different opinions and tolerances. Everything I've said is just in my opinion.

[HonestLie]

It's not his fault that I'm afraid of drunk people

This statement here doesn't sit well with me at all. If this were the case I just cannot see why you would wake up your drunk husband and then proceed to push him. Your husband undoubtedly made a poor decision by getting bladdered the night before an important meeting but your actions were absolutely uncalled for and borderline violent. Can you imagine if the gender roles were reversed here? To be perfectly honest OP you are the one I find to have been most unreasonable in this situation.

I don't drink alcohol at all and neither does my dh. (He's Muslim) If I had a dp or dh who got himself in this state I just couldn't bear it

From the PP who posted this, that's absolutely fine and you have married someone who doesn't drink because of your beliefs. But the OP has married someone who does drink and who does sometimes have a few too many.

The OPs partner doesn't sound like an alcoholic, he sounds like someone who had a few drinks more than they should have, presumably she knew he drank before they married.

I post this as someone who was married to an alcoholic and would support anyone who's partners drinking was completely out of control but I also believe there is a difference between having a few too many and there being an alcohol problem.

I drink, it's nobody's business and quite frankly if a partner of mine didn't like the fact that occasionally on a night out I may get a bit more than tipsy then quite frankly they shouldn't marry me. The same way I wouldn't try to force someone who doesn't drink to have one I wouldn't expect someone who doesn't drink to think they have any say over whether I do or not. The only exception to me is if someone is becoming dependant on alcohol, at that point intervention is needed IMHO. I tried with my ex many times, it didn't work so I divorced him.

[SweetErmengarde]

If my husband, after promising to be back at a reasonable time, came home so intoxicated that he either couldn't negotiate the stairs or passed out where he sat and was still incoherent at 5AM on the day of an important meeting, I would be chucking a jug of cold water over him, not a blanket.

It's possible to be a "fun guy" without regularly drinking yourself insensible. If I were in your place, OP, his refusal/inability to prioritise your commitment over one night of drinking (especially when he has them regularly) would incenseme as much as the drunkenness in itself.

[Fmlgirl]

You sound like very hard work to me. I had an alcoholic father and feel very strongly about alcohol but why you didn't just leave him there I don't know. You sound like a control freak.

[BastardGoDarkly]

Ok, 'excuses' was the way I understood it. It doesn't need excusing, or defending, when it's done no harm what so ever. It's like calling someone a sandwich eater apologist, it's bonkers.

[Deux]

@bastard. A drunk apologist isn't someone who apologises for being drunk . A rape apologist isn't someone who apologises for rape.

Apologist, obvs, here is an umbrella term meaning 'defending'. So defending being drunk. Drunk-defenders is probably better.

OP, glad you got it sorted.

[MerryInthechelseahotel]

sort of tip him sideways sorry kate but it has just made my day reading that!

[EveDallasRetd]

You just should have left him OP, if there is a next time then just leave him to it - actually sleeping upright in a chair when hammered is probably better for him than lying down. He could vomit in his sleep.

I don't drink at all