Haven't a clue how to flirt

[sleepygardens]

I'm 33 and I've never been in a relationship. I've never even come close to one. I realise that 'you never know what's around the corner' is true, but I've been hearing that for 15 years so don't hold out much hope anymore, especially if things stay as they are.

I don't need to be in a relationship at all, I manage perfectly fine on my own but i'd like to love someone and be loved, and deal with day to day stuff with. I have friends that care; they're busy with their own lives. I feel embarrassed a lot of the time my life bears so little resemblance to others and have even made stuff up in the past to stop colleagues offering to put me on match dot com.

I think one of the integral problems is not knowing how to flirt or to show a man i might be open to a relationship. But how? I have NO idea how people typically go about this!

I'm 32 and have never had a long term relationship - you're really not alone here.

You mention that you don't feel that lust/attraction thing. I was like this until this time last year when I came off the pill (had been on it since age of 14 to regulate periods) and within a couple of weeks it was like a switch was flicked and I suddenly became VERY erm.. physically attracted to guys around me. It was a complete revelation and I felt like a basic instinct that might have led to relationships before now was somehow inhibited by the pill.

This might not apply to you at all but I thought I'd mention it just in case.

As for meeting guys, I have a busy social life including being in a cycling club which is apparently a sure thing to meet men and I have to say that I don't know one single straight man roughly my age!

Where the hell are they all hiding??

(I'm having a go with OkCupid at the moment).

I have a friend who smiles a lot, chats away about books, films, art and is as someone up thread said, playful.

She always pays attention to what people say to her and makes them feel as if they are the most important person for the time she is engaging with them.

That said, she can be a bit fey with talk about the soul and the human condition but it does seem to attract a certain type of person.

This is her nature though and, as such, it isn't forced or contrived.

Sleepy, have you ever watched Plain Jane on MTV?

OP, I am a similar age to you and had never had a relationship before I met DP. You are really not abnormal.
Society tells us we must feel instantly attracted to other people all the time...I don't and I felt like a freak. I knew DP for years before becoming attracted to him, and had literally never felt that way about anyone before, although I was into my 30s. I mean I had had crushes but only on a handful of people. Some of us are that way, we need to get to know someone. You are OK.

Hi OP, I don't think you are unusual either. Life circumstances make it hard for lots of us to meet prospective partners.

If a relationship is what you are seeking, then I'd suggest that you look at how you spend your free time and maybe consciously plan how you are going to make sure that you give yourself the maximum opportunities to meet lots of different people, men and women, with a decently high proportion of men. Basically it is about widening your friendship group and giving yourself more possible contacts. Think about what you like to do and you improve your chances of meeting compatible people. The more friends you have of both sexes, the more people you will meet through their friendship networks too. Maybe set yourself a target of going out at least 2-3 times a week to a range of different activities? I'd suggest ones where you are doing something rather than just socialising are the easiest and most natural.

Anything which brings you into contact with lots of people is a good idea - for example helping to organise events for a charity or a local arts festival.

From my experience pastimes which include a fairly decent proportion of men include writers' groups, computing/coding, walking groups, political groups, scuba diving, country sports and country activities, amateur dramatics, rotary club, dog training groups, some types of volunteering and activity holidays (e.g. conservation based). Also look at meet up groups in your area to see what is on offer locally. I am sure there are lots of others I have not thought of.

I also don't think you need to flirt. Pleasant, reasonably chatty and approachable is all you need. Men are human too! I don't think there is an issue about you not going around lusting after random men. I need to know and like someone as a person before I can even contemplate fancying them and I think that is pretty common.

Good luck and enjoy your busy social life!

You don't notice men? this may sound an invasive question but have you ever had sex?

I think this is the issue really: I've done the social stuff before and I didn't meet anyone. All that happened was I was exhausted and skint! The problem is that IME people don't do a hobby to meet people,whether that's friends or partners, they do it because they want to do that hobby! That said I do know others who have - not sure really. The problem is most things I would be interested in doing are hugely time-consuming and/or very expensive: skiing for example.

I'm not sure sex is relevant to the discussion sorry - not meaning that to sound snooty but I have explained I've never come close to a relationship which is what we are talking about?

I tend to agree with you about the hobby thing...

Ok.

Do you feel attractive? Or sexy?

Whilst appearances aren't everything (and probably shouldn't be), most people's initial attraction to someone else is based on appearances.

And, more than that, if you aren't noticing them and don't 'present' yourself to the world as someone who is interested (if that wall is very high) then they're not going to notice you either.

So have i seen you here before or is it there are just alot of good looking men like you.or maybe you have a brother?...
lol
depends how confident u would feel in a bar or somewhere with a guy you really like.

You can practise in a low key way with people you meet casually - just be friendly, smile, ask about them, be interested. There is no expectation that you would go off with them (they are prob married or not available), just to practise making shared connections and laughter.

If you really want to flirt, make a flattering comment about their clothes or physical features. Keep it safe, like the eyes or smile. Then smile, hold eye contact for just that bit longer, then pull back slightly. You have crossed the line by a fraction and indicated interest. Watch their reaction. If positive, a little later, make another comment that perhaps crosses the line, by a bit more. Little physical brushes of their upper arms ... Erm, I think I am about to get you into trouble!

Read 'Superflirt' by Tracy Cox, some great tips on body language and eye contact.