How would you / did you approach your dhs drinking?

[clarella]

I'm currently too unwell and tired to post more; I just would like some pointers please. Tia

[StillWishihadabs]

That is appalling behaviour. However the time to be about it was then or when you had recovered. You do realise that was 8 months ago ? Time to let that one go and deal with the here and now (if you want to make this relationship work). After our bad patch dh and I agreed on a clean slate.

[clarella]

Yes still, I think that is MY personal issue, letting go of the past. (And all the million other things he's done) I suppose it's as I fear repeat situations as well as situations repeating them selves. I'm carrying resentment over.

At the time I guess I'm not sure if AIBU so I let it go. Then later I feel annoyed. I've got to tackle things as they occur. It's fucking exhausting as it can be constant.

It's one of the reasons I have to say that he had his own mh issues last year which he did not recognise. If I base a lot of his behaviour at the time (not drinking behaviour, behaviour towards me about lo) on blind anxiety I can let it go. If I think he genuinely believed he was right to do things (for example,pulling lo off my breast as he thought he should be eating food at that precise moment) I can't get over it.

[StillWishihadabs]

Goodness that's extreme (extreme what I'm not sure) pulling lo off your breast. That's a whole new category of controlling behaviour in a different league to a few pints a bit too often. iME obvs.

[clarella]

Yes. He's aware of that and that it was out of line, it happened about times before I really dressed him down about it. He tried other things for a while though, distracting lo or racing to get to him before I did when lo woke up (crying for boob). Totally bullying petty crap. At the time he was so clouded in his belief that lo had to eat food and then he'd grow bigger (ie 50 centile or more). He was obsessed with getting things right for lo. I just don't think he has had a clue about babies or toddlers (other than what he's gleaned from aptimil and pampers adverts and super nanny) I've thrown books his way but he doesn't or won't read them. We did read 'my child won't eat,' which he merrily misinterpreted for a while till I managed to get him to re read the bit he kept misquoting. But all this is a separate thing to the drinking - well inasmuch as I've been dealing with THAT crap rather than tackling the drink. The drink 'issues' were there pre baby. And they remain. I naively thought he'd be too knackered to go out when baby arrived!

But I have to put these things behind me and forgive him, but not let any of it happen again, for lo's sake. If it does happen to or infront of lo I will kick him out.

To his credit, and I do applaud this,he took lo out all day,not a moan, brought fish n chips for tea, bathed him and I bf lo to sleep. DH has gone to bed before me for once. I'm wondering if my attempts at being assertive yesterday did sink in.

[StillWishihadabs]

That's a great start. It will mean a lot to him if you tell him how much you appreciate it.

[clarella]

Yes definitely.

I think it does him good to spend more time with ds too. I've realised there's lot he doesn't know about what lo can do or say, and in a way it's helpful for DH to feel needed by lo.

[Letticebonhamcarter1974]

When I said "do you love him enough to ride the storm", I was presenting it as a stark choice not as a form of black mail. Only he has the power to change if he has alcoholism and he has to acknowledge the problem before anything practical can be done.

When looked at for what it my mother's situation was, she had two choices. She could either stick with him once my father had acknowledged his addiction or she could leave. And ultimately that decision boils down to whether someone has enough reserves of hope, whether they feel the relationship is worth saving and whether they are devoted enough to get through the addiction and come out of the side. No one would have blamed my mother for leaving, but it was her depth of love for him that meant she stood by him and helped him achieve ten really happy years of sobriety. He could have still achieved sobriety on his own - who knows? I apologise if I worded it badly, but the situation is as much about what your limitations as well as the possibilities he has within himself to become sober. I wish I had worded like that now in hindsight.

There are many bodies, such as the NHS, the World Health Organisation & the AA who see addiction as a disease state or illness. People do not derive fun from being addicts and for them to have any chance of recovery they have to accept that they are powerless over the substance they are abusing and their only choice is stop using their drug of choice completely. It is not a choice. It is an illness, and I stand firmly by that remark.

I know only too well how awful living with an alcoholic is and I have enormous empathy for your situation.

Lettice.

[clarella]

Thank you lettice, very well worded.

I muddle around the word 'alcoholic' for him. He's not as bad as some posters have described here, but it was a mn thread I found which described problem drinking as anything which impacted on our family life as well as not being able to conceive a life without alcohol.

I suppose it's the small red flags I've spotted and noted down. I don't want these getting worse.

I do believe he tries to scale it back at times, when I've commented, but then when I relax it sneaks back in.

Following an argument in Jan where he was being a twat over lo and food in front of his parents ( it became a "when are you going to stop bf" to which I pointed out how often he goes out drinking) he did start asking if he could go and meet so and so for a drink etc, I suspect after a chat from his dad. However, I find it hard to say no. I feel that as a grown man he should have the awareness and judgement, as I do about social stuff. However in reality what happens is I ration my social invites or just don't go to any to accommodate him.

^^so this is about me being assertive and not feeling guilty about saying no. I guess he does the classic child trick of making me feel guilty for saying no you can't go out to play.

[TiramiSue]

OP I have the exact same problem with my dh regarding drinking. All through our 15 year marriage now. It has improved massively since the early years of our marriage, but i have long since realised (if not quite accepted) that when it comes to alcohol, he does not always drink sensibly, especially if out without me, and when he does go out with mates, from time to time (every 2 or 3 months) comes home wasted. Im afraid the older i become, the more it disgusts and angers me with that behaviour. It annoys me that unlike my friends dhs, he cannot drink like an adult, and the levels of anxiety i now suffer as a result of years of broken promises, fresh starts and relapses, is off the scale. It has damaged our relationship, affected our marriage, and created huge resentment between us. i fear that one day i will leave him over this issue.

[TiramiSue]

just to clarify it reads above that he goes out with mates every 2 or 3 months, actually he goes out with mates every thursday night religiously, but has the serious breakout binges every 2 or 3 months. On those thursday nights, 3 out of 4 times he is home by 12.30 which is acceptable to me, but then, every now and again is home later, sometimes a lot later. And the once weekly pub thing has increased a lot over the summer to twice or sometimes 3 times a week with family home here on holiday or golf club nights, that sort of thing, so my anxiety is there a lot more, because he is going out a lot more, and i just cannot trust him to come home in reasonable shape.

[clarella]

Tiramisue, that is bad. Anyone would feel anxious about that sort of behaviour.