How would you / did you approach your dhs drinking?

[clarella]

I'm currently too unwell and tired to post more; I just would like some pointers please. Tia

[clarella]

Tiramisue, that is bad. Anyone would feel anxious about that sort of behaviour.

[TiramiSue]

just to clarify it reads above that he goes out with mates every 2 or 3 months, actually he goes out with mates every thursday night religiously, but has the serious breakout binges every 2 or 3 months. On those thursday nights, 3 out of 4 times he is home by 12.30 which is acceptable to me, but then, every now and again is home later, sometimes a lot later. And the once weekly pub thing has increased a lot over the summer to twice or sometimes 3 times a week with family home here on holiday or golf club nights, that sort of thing, so my anxiety is there a lot more, because he is going out a lot more, and i just cannot trust him to come home in reasonable shape.

[TiramiSue]

OP I have the exact same problem with my dh regarding drinking. All through our 15 year marriage now. It has improved massively since the early years of our marriage, but i have long since realised (if not quite accepted) that when it comes to alcohol, he does not always drink sensibly, especially if out without me, and when he does go out with mates, from time to time (every 2 or 3 months) comes home wasted. Im afraid the older i become, the more it disgusts and angers me with that behaviour. It annoys me that unlike my friends dhs, he cannot drink like an adult, and the levels of anxiety i now suffer as a result of years of broken promises, fresh starts and relapses, is off the scale. It has damaged our relationship, affected our marriage, and created huge resentment between us. i fear that one day i will leave him over this issue.

[clarella]

Thank you lettice, very well worded.

I muddle around the word 'alcoholic' for him. He's not as bad as some posters have described here, but it was a mn thread I found which described problem drinking as anything which impacted on our family life as well as not being able to conceive a life without alcohol.

I suppose it's the small red flags I've spotted and noted down. I don't want these getting worse.

I do believe he tries to scale it back at times, when I've commented, but then when I relax it sneaks back in.

Following an argument in Jan where he was being a twat over lo and food in front of his parents ( it became a "when are you going to stop bf" to which I pointed out how often he goes out drinking) he did start asking if he could go and meet so and so for a drink etc, I suspect after a chat from his dad. However, I find it hard to say no. I feel that as a grown man he should have the awareness and judgement, as I do about social stuff. However in reality what happens is I ration my social invites or just don't go to any to accommodate him.

^^so this is about me being assertive and not feeling guilty about saying no. I guess he does the classic child trick of making me feel guilty for saying no you can't go out to play.

[Letticebonhamcarter1974]

When I said "do you love him enough to ride the storm", I was presenting it as a stark choice not as a form of black mail. Only he has the power to change if he has alcoholism and he has to acknowledge the problem before anything practical can be done.

When looked at for what it my mother's situation was, she had two choices. She could either stick with him once my father had acknowledged his addiction or she could leave. And ultimately that decision boils down to whether someone has enough reserves of hope, whether they feel the relationship is worth saving and whether they are devoted enough to get through the addiction and come out of the side. No one would have blamed my mother for leaving, but it was her depth of love for him that meant she stood by him and helped him achieve ten really happy years of sobriety. He could have still achieved sobriety on his own - who knows? I apologise if I worded it badly, but the situation is as much about what your limitations as well as the possibilities he has within himself to become sober. I wish I had worded like that now in hindsight.

There are many bodies, such as the NHS, the World Health Organisation & the AA who see addiction as a disease state or illness. People do not derive fun from being addicts and for them to have any chance of recovery they have to accept that they are powerless over the substance they are abusing and their only choice is stop using their drug of choice completely. It is not a choice. It is an illness, and I stand firmly by that remark.

I know only too well how awful living with an alcoholic is and I have enormous empathy for your situation.

Lettice.

[clarella]

Yes definitely.

I think it does him good to spend more time with ds too. I've realised there's lot he doesn't know about what lo can do or say, and in a way it's helpful for DH to feel needed by lo.

[StillWishihadabs]

That's a great start. It will mean a lot to him if you tell him how much you appreciate it.

[clarella]

Yes. He's aware of that and that it was out of line, it happened about times before I really dressed him down about it. He tried other things for a while though, distracting lo or racing to get to him before I did when lo woke up (crying for boob). Totally bullying petty crap. At the time he was so clouded in his belief that lo had to eat food and then he'd grow bigger (ie 50 centile or more). He was obsessed with getting things right for lo. I just don't think he has had a clue about babies or toddlers (other than what he's gleaned from aptimil and pampers adverts and super nanny) I've thrown books his way but he doesn't or won't read them. We did read 'my child won't eat,' which he merrily misinterpreted for a while till I managed to get him to re read the bit he kept misquoting. But all this is a separate thing to the drinking - well inasmuch as I've been dealing with THAT crap rather than tackling the drink. The drink 'issues' were there pre baby. And they remain. I naively thought he'd be too knackered to go out when baby arrived!

But I have to put these things behind me and forgive him, but not let any of it happen again, for lo's sake. If it does happen to or infront of lo I will kick him out.

To his credit, and I do applaud this,he took lo out all day,not a moan, brought fish n chips for tea, bathed him and I bf lo to sleep. DH has gone to bed before me for once. I'm wondering if my attempts at being assertive yesterday did sink in.

[StillWishihadabs]

Goodness that's extreme (extreme what I'm not sure) pulling lo off your breast. That's a whole new category of controlling behaviour in a different league to a few pints a bit too often. iME obvs.

[clarella]

Yes still, I think that is MY personal issue, letting go of the past. (And all the million other things he's done) I suppose it's as I fear repeat situations as well as situations repeating them selves. I'm carrying resentment over.

At the time I guess I'm not sure if AIBU so I let it go. Then later I feel annoyed. I've got to tackle things as they occur. It's fucking exhausting as it can be constant.

It's one of the reasons I have to say that he had his own mh issues last year which he did not recognise. If I base a lot of his behaviour at the time (not drinking behaviour, behaviour towards me about lo) on blind anxiety I can let it go. If I think he genuinely believed he was right to do things (for example,pulling lo off my breast as he thought he should be eating food at that precise moment) I can't get over it.

[StillWishihadabs]

That is appalling behaviour. However the time to be about it was then or when you had recovered. You do realise that was 8 months ago ? Time to let that one go and deal with the here and now (if you want to make this relationship work). After our bad patch dh and I agreed on a clean slate.

[clarella]

Yes stillwish that sounds similar, though we met at nearly 30.

Your list sounds good especially the "I'm going to feel resentful if...."

Actually last night, when it was clear he definitely was going to go out I said "I'm trusting you not to get carried away". I'd already said earlier in the day that I thought I might need to spend Sunday recuperating. So I think he got the message last night.

It fxxks me off I have to do that all the time though. And I'm carrying the pain of many days over the last year where it was more important for him to get pissed as it was his right as it was Xmas etcetc.... (Though I'd been managing work with a chest infection and caring for a poorly child all night - infection led to walking pneumonia and two weeks off work) I could have my time in bed when it suited him AFTER he done his Xmas do and recovered enough to look after a baby.

[StillWishihadabs]

Yes dh is also in a "social " profession where many pints are sunk.

[StillWishihadabs]

Wow DH was/is a little like this. Quite young when we had ds, fond of a drink and socialising, basically fairly selfish (as are both his parents)I have ridden the storm, things which helped are in this order;

1)Me articulating clearly what I need emotionally or practically before it gets to crisis point. For example "if you go out on Thursday I am going to be quite resentful as I have already done ABC this week to enable you to XYZ" sometimes he does it anyway, but at least we both know where we stand.

2)A total crisis in the relationship 5 years ago. When he really thought he might lose me he managed to get his shit together (or together enough, enough of the time)

3) A period of him being the SAHP

4) Being able to tell him I think he is drinking too much and a no-drinking mon-thurs agreement. Again doesn't always work but at least its something.

He is still a selfish b!"£$d at times tho.

[clarella]

Actually, I like the link I've posted above. It alludes to a fair bit of what's been said above especially the view that partners don't have to change, love me as I am etc etc which a person with drink problems can easily hide behind.

I think he's psychologically addicted to the whole social drinking thing. He loves being around fun, and alcohol helps this. And then he gets carried away.

His whole (successful) business was dreamt up over pints with his partner. His is a profession where it seems much is done over pints. There are few women in his world of work too.

I think the drinking is a separate thing to the bullying stuff. I think they cross over at times and feed each other but are essentially different parts of his psyche.

[clarella]

My mum said she thought he should. Get over himself about that one.

I think being with familiy helps him and by proxy me.

[clarella]

Well, not strictly true about the ads. My brain couldn't cope with my last big thyroid slump ( post baby, probably forgot some meds etc). He found that hard too and was genuinely worried for me and lo. But he still threw his weight about expecting me to be fully well suddenly on his birthday for a random trip somewhere. He's banged on about it for a year. I spent the first two child free days of my holidays thus year worrying about getting his birthday 'right' . I was so unwell back then. I don't think he's aware of how I feel, as I don't assert my self. But I've been too unwell in the past to do so.

[clarella]

Thank you for all your kind replies. I'm a coughing choking mess without my contacts in tapping on a phone, sorry if I've not responded directly. I worried about posting but now I'm so glad as it's so helpful to read others experiences, of which I'm so sorry for

There's some arseholes about. But some lovely ones too. And a spectrum between.

[clarella]

www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8115_prob.html

Hmm well a brief silly google fed back this.

I can say both qs, I know he'd probably say the first one.

Thoughts as a starting point?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You're on ADs to cope with him.... That's not a healthy relationship is it?

[clarella]

Yes. Good advice. Thank you.

Will try to work out how to do so.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Everyone has different tolerances. 'For better for worse' is a noble thought but I would argue that you did not walk down the aisle expecting life to be quite this miserable quite so often. There's being understanding & compassionate and there's being taken for a fool. If you're going to talk about vows incidentally isn't there a part about them not being entered into 'lightly or selfishly'?

FWIW my alcohol-loving ex - and you'll appreciate the irony - after years of me naively thinking that more love was all he needed, left me for an OW who he memorably described as 'not being as uptight about it as you'. There's gratitude, eh?

[FrontForward]

I think alcoholism is a disease. I think some people choose to drink and behave like alcoholism but without the disease aspect of it I.e. It's choice.

Regardless of cause however it is About what you do about it.

do you love him enough to ride the storm Is emotional blackmail. I too reached a point of feeling suicidal and he did not love me enough to change

Do you drag your child into this storm?


Where is your limit here?

Relationships are a choice. He needs to make a choice Does he love you enough?

[Morethanalittlebitconfused]

Have the discussion at the end of a positive day. I find they end up being less confrontational than if we've had a bad day and we try and have one of those discussions

[clarella]

I really want to communicate how unhappy I am. But I don't want to ruin these two days whereby we could be spending quality family time together despite me being a hacking wreck. But when I don't communicate it I struggle to be happy and open with him. It's a front.