Would you rather have a romantic or practical partner/ DH?

[Walrusthesaurus]

Only one- not both!

DH is a good man but lacks any romantic gene.
I often feel 'let down' and sometimes wonder.....

I do tend to wonder if by 'romantic' I mean 'thoughtful'.

He's steady, honest, and a great dad. But the day before my wedding my mum confided to my bridesmaid and best friend that she was worried DH didn't make me feel 'special'. And she's right.

On the one hand he will come home with paper for the pc (I use it mainly working from home) and he will maintain the pc etc. He will check out my car before I do a long journey.

On the other hand I never get flowers, the 'right' kind of presents ( he chooses rubbish stuff and doesn't seem to have a clue what I like) no little phone calls or texts during the day except for practical stuff.

Today I went back to bed after getting up- mega period pains and felt terrible. This is not a monthly thing- too old for that! - he went and did a bit of shopping and I just thought how touching it would have been to have bought me some flowers or a gesture like that. In his shoes, I would have.

The only time he has got his brain into gear on things like this was some years back when we were getting on very very badly and I was seriously thinking of leaving. Why does he need that kind of scenario to change his behaviour?

What does your DH/DP do?

[SignoraStronza]

Practical, definitely. DH can turn his hand to pretty much any diy task and do it properly - his IT job means he'll calmly take the laptop to bits and put it back together again when I spill gin on it too.He grows veg and nurtures stuff in the garden and I know that he can be relied upon to to fix stuff and assemble flat pack furniture.

No big romantic gestures, but to me this shows thoughtfulness towards me and our family, which is much more important.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

Practical. I'm not a huge fan of big romantic gestures or flowers. I'd rather have someone that is practical. You can give them hints what to buy for you (and if they're practical, they'll take those hints! ), but being practical/having common sense kind of thing? Not really sure it can be "taught" IYSWIM. And a lack of practicality/common sense/ability to see what needs to be done drives me nuts in a partner.

[areyoubeingserviced]

Definitely practical.
I would rather have a dh that sorted out my MOT, fixed the broken kitchen cupboard etc
Over the top romantic gestures irritate me.

[I8toys]

Practical everytime. When something breaks he fixes it. He can do almost anything. He is brilliant father - taking our boys and their friends to all sorts of places for the day. He just gets on with it. My father was frickin useless at everything - never picked up a drill in his life - so this is probably why I adore my husband. Although he bought me a pink bike once for mother's day and I was pissed off.

A romantic man for me would be a bit airy fairy as I'm not that mushy. Wanting presents and stuff seems a bit shallow - he shows me he loves me by bringing me coffee in bed every morning.

[alphabook]

I think the question should be, how does your partner show you he loves and cares about you?

Some people do it through words. Some people do it through gifts. Some people do it through physical affection. Some people do it through thoughtful gestures (cooking dinner, running a bath). Some people do it through practical gestures.

Does he check the car before you go on a long journey because you ask him to, or because he cares about your welfare? It may be that his practical gestures are his way of showing you that he loves you, but because your way of showing love is different you're not perceiving it that way.

If he does absolutely none of the above then I would find that a cause for concern.

As a side note, I'm not a big fan of "romance" - I know it's considered thoughtful but I actually find it quite lazy and insincere. I don't find borrowing from cliches a particularly thoughtful gesture. Thoughtful to me is thinking "what would my partner like" or "what can I do that would make my partner feel happy/safe/taken care of", not "what do romantic movies say I should do".

[Liara]

I would say practical.

Dh is both, although more romantic than practical probably (he is good in most ways but not with admin or money, all of which I have to deal with most of the time), and if I had to give one up I guess it would be the romantic.

I couldn't do without thoughtful, though. I love the feeling that I am the centre of his universe and he is always trying to think of ways to make me more comfortable/happier.

But I would be fine for the thoughtfulness to be expressed in non-romantic ways, iyswim.

[thenightsky]

Practical would be my choice.

DH is romantic though and I find it irritating most of the time. I'm not interested in him wasting money on flowers and nonsense when the washer is broken and my car needs a new clutch.

[Lweji]

I'd rather have day to day thoughtfulness than flowers romantic.

[impomea]

DH was very romantic at the beginning but has become more practical as the many years have passed.I much prefer practical.Told me I looked beautiful yesterday [I had gardening clothes on and no make up) just made me suspicious

[Scotslasslivinginfrance]

Mine is practical, he just doesn't seem to get romance, he's not stupid but honestly I do wonder at times. It doesn't matter how many rom coms or chick flicks we watch (I suppose that's romantic in a little way that he will watch them with me) nothing seems to sink in! But he does do lots of thoughtful things for me and my friends if they need help, no big romantic gestures although a little one every now and then would be nice.

I do get a bunch of flowers on our anniversary every year with the same note that reads 'you are still my favourite wife'! Make of that what you will ;-)

[Mrsgrumble]

Mine is very practical and at the start he didn't really show romance (got a bin for the first birthday after we got together). He would bring me kitchen towel, stuff like fruit when he popped over.

He will fix anything - plumb radiators, put washers in taps, paint, make sheds. He even wants to build a co sleeper.

What I have found is that he hs got more romantic over time. I have never complained to him. He got me a charm bracelet for first anniversary and got a heart for it when we were on the babymoon and a nappy pin charm when baby arrived. He gets me flowers and while he still gets practical gifts (toilet roll holder) I don't mind as be genuinely tries so hard and they are always exactly what I want.

[Chiana]

Practical, every time. I went out with a couple of romantics before I met DH 12 years ago, and they cured me of wanting the hearts-and-flowers type. It means I never ever get a surprise gift, but I also never ever get something I didn't want. Because DH knows he's rubbish at intuiting what I want him to buy, he just asks me to tell him exactly what I want. Sometimes if there are a few different things I want equally, I'll give him a shortlist and tell him to pick an item at random off the shortlist, so I can still be surprised.

About 5 years ago we had a big row and I said to him, "In 7 years you've never once bought me a bouquet of flowers! I would kill to get orchids from you once in a while." Now I get flowers on the first Monday of every month, always the same kind, because he has a reminder to buy me flowers programmed into his calendar on his phone. Mr. Spontaneity he's not. Once he brought me roses instead of orchids, and I thought he was branching out, but no, the florist's shop were out of orchids that day.

But he's kind, and good with the DC, and good in bed, and keeps calm in a crisis, and unlike one of my "romantic" ex-BFs, would never dream of going to a lap dancing club. Also, while he doesn't do little romantic gestures spontaneously, if I ask him to do something for me because I have horrible cramps (ex: scoop the litter tray even if it's my day to scoop and not his), he'll do it with no grumbling. It wouldn't occur to him to offer, but he does it when asked.

Great question, BTW!

[wallypops]

Practical wins for me. My DP unblocked my septic tank - started after supper, finished at midnight - most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me.

[Ketchuphidestheburntbits]

Practical rather than romantic. If I'm feeling ill, I'd much rather have a DH who can rustle up a meal and do the hoovering instead of making grand romantic gestures. You can't eat flowers and soppy poetry isn't going to get the laundry done.

[TooOldForGlitter]

Neither. Mine just hates me. If I hadn't had a drink I think after being here since 2009 I'd start my own thread.

[BertieBotts]

Oh glitter :( from one 2009er to another, if you want a hand hold, poke me. And start that thread!

[Walrusthesaurus]

Some interesting replies.

I don't doubt that DH loves me, but maybe it's how he shows it that isn't how I'd expect or want it.

I empathise with someone who said they could pay for a decorator, someone to fix their car etc.

A recent example is ...we are now in a position where we have some savings- talking 6 figures just to put it in perspective. It's not enough to put towards a significant house move where we live, but we are what you'd call comfortable. I'm not into cars- still driving a 12 yr old model- but I've always wanted a nice ring. Like lots of people when we got engaged money was tight and I did have ring but it's tiny. DH has seen me often looking at websites for rings and I've spoken often about wanting to 'upgrade' my engagement ring. (Been married 30 years).
The kind I am looking at would be around £2K. He's gone as far as saying 'fine, get it if you like because I've spent that ( and more) on bikes' but he never takes it to the next step- such as let's sort that out. For me, a ring is something that should have some meaning and be a shared experience- but he shows no interest at all.

So I am torn- to me it should be symbolic and I'm putting off doing anything because of his total disinterest- he just doesn't 'get it'.

And then my practical side thinks of what else £2K could buy such as nice new carpets when the time comes or going towards a car!

I know these are 'first world problems' and the ring is just an example, but it does make me feel that he isn't on the same wave length.

Re. checking the car- sometimes I ask him but 80% of the time he will check it over of his own accord if he knows I'm about to do a long journey to my family. He can't cook so I can't rely on him to do that but he's good at DIY etc.

[Lweji]

I think the problem here is that he may well not connect the ring you want with the engagement.
It looks like you'll have to spell it out. Or he may be afraid of buying something you won't like.

[Lweji]

Sorry, just read properly. But, still, he may not be aware that you want him to buy it. Because you are looking at websites for rings, he probably assumes you are taking it onto your hands or already have something you want. If you tell him what it is, it's still not him being romantic, is it?

[OneDreamOnly]

walrus what you are describing is the fact that you attribute the same significance to the same thing. He sees a ring, a piece if jewlerry that you can afford and that you would like. You see another engagement ring with all the emotional side attached to it.

IMO buying something together in these circumstances doesn't have the same meaning than if he had chosen to give you a ring wo any input from you and wo expecting something.
At some point when things weren't well between us, DH bought me a necklace for our wedding anniversary. We had never (never have done since) done anything for our anniversary but it was his way to say he loved me regardless and how important our marriage was for him. I do cherish that necklace because of that even though my first thought at the time was wtf? but some earrings he bought because I had specifically said I would really like them certainly don't have the same meaning at all.

[dreamingbohemian]

I hear you, OP. It's not about the ring, it's that there's something you've wanted for a long time, he knows this, but has no interest in it. It's about having that impulse to do something nice for your partner that you know they really want, not something you enjoy doing anyway.

I'm actually surprised so many people are happy with things like fixing ovens, patching roofs, assembling flat pack furniture -- to me, these are things I can either do myself or pay someone to do. And how often are these things really necessary anyway?

I do like the fact my DH can fix things but what I really love is that, for example, he will make my favourite dinner when I'm sick or bring me flowers when he knows I'm really stressed with work. That's not cheesy romance, it's trying to make someone happy. I don't see DIY as trying to make someone happy, it's just stuff that needs to be done anyway.

[FrankSaysNo]

I know it is only an example but I'm with your DH on this one - an engagement ring is given at the time the question is asked - not 30 years later. if you want a big sparkler, go get one, or tell him THIS is what I want for Christmas this year.

I'd rather have someone solid, dependable and sturdy than a flake with a bunch of roses. Romantics tend to be 'players'. The grass is always green, but cows shit both sides of the fence.

[Walrusthesaurus]

Funny how there are so many different opinions.

I have bought myself some bling before- not a lot but a diamond pendant and earrings. They were my 'rewards' to myself for working hard ( am self employed) and I had no qualms going to the shops and buying. I can do the same with a ring but as it's third finger left hand ring, I'd just like him to show some interest- and in doing so make me feel less guilty about spending money on something that is totally unnecessary.

I've never had an eternity ring or anything to mark the birth of our 2 DCs, yet some women seem to get these as routine. Do they ask or do they have guys who just see this as something to organise?

(I wouldn't want DH to choose it BTW just show some interest.)

[Walrusthesaurus]

dreamingb sorry- meant to say you'd hit the nail on the head.

[headoverheels]

But do you show much interest in his bike purchases? Probably not? He's seeing this as exactly the same OP - a treat you are buying for yourself. I think it's unreasonable to expect him to know that it's different just because of the 'significance' of a ring, without you telling him.

Although you say there are mixed opinions on this thread, I'd say the majority come down on the practical side (haven't actually counted). Maybe time to count your blessings?