7 months in ... Am I being an idiot / a filler girl / or over the top

[Crapatdating]

I've no kids so mums net isn't really where I should be but please could I have some outside perspective?!

I've been dating a man I met online for just over 7 months now. He's Turkish and I'm yet to meet his family and they do not know of me. He met my parents the other week, but This is his first serious relationship so I haven't pushed any of the parent meeting stuff as he's kind of explained his mum would like him to find himself a nice turkish girl to marry, but obviously at 26 years of age I don't really want to be stuck in limbo unaware of future prospects; not in an oh no my clock is ticking will you be my knight in tin foil way... but I don't want to be wasting my time either.

Ive stayed at his this week as he has injured himself and is in need of surgery. I've left with him every morning for work bit like a normal couple. Last night and we discussed what we would do today... I was going to take him food shopping etc because he couldn't drive and then we would go out for dinner tonight. This morning at half 7 after receiving a text message from a family member he asked me to leave before 9am because they were coming to visit. I was upset about this and quite visibly so. I told him I was and he told me not to be and "I'll see you later" to which I said I wouldn't be making the 40 minute journey back again after returning home.


When I left his place he messaged me "sorry just not ready to do the family stuff" and I gave him a call and (I'm feeling a bit like some needy over the top freak now) said "The thing is i don't think you'll ever be ready to do family stuff" to which he replied maybe, I'll talk to you when you get home.

I'm now home, feeling slightly erratic and foolish. It felt like I was doing some sort of walk of shame out of his place like I was a one nighter and the possibility that I'm a filler girl until he finds a nice turkish girl is filling my thoughts now.

Opinions please?

[deste]

If it was a case of not wanting relatives to know he was "living in sin, could be a religious thing or cultural" I would understand him not wanting you there. If it's because you are not what they expect of him, you are in for a difficult tme because you would probably never be the right person. Life is not meant to be a struggle. Think to the future, if you ever got married and had children and split up, god forbid, he would probably want to go home and take your children with him. I've seen it before. Look ahead and think what you are prepared to accept.

[lowcarbforthewin]

I love The Turkish people I know but you are up against a very traditional set up. It definitely sounds like he likes being with you but won't introduce you to his family. I guarantee he will marry a nice virginal Turkish girl.

Much better to walk away now. Save yourself a lot of heartache, please.

[Deluge]

My sister dated a British born Turkish guy for a year. He declared his love for her, introduced her to his friends etc but said he would have to take time over the introduction to his family, as she wasnt a Muslim and they would be disappointed. He 'wasnt ready' etc etc.

Then she got pregnant accidentally. She never saw him again. She had a termination. He didnt give a flying fuck. Basically shat himself and ran for the hills.

That isnt meant as an anti-Turkish rant. I have a wonderful Turkish male friend who is married to a Turkish woman and always said all along that he couldnt ever date anyone from outside his culture (Kurdish) as it was too important to him and to his family that his culture and religion be carried on in the family. Thats honest, at least.

[Crapatdating]

It's interesting to hear other people's experiences.

The turkish guy I'm dating is non religious, jokes about how his mum tells him about all these Turkish catches she knows and that she knows he isn't going to just marry some turkish girl... It's a little ironic that he finds it funny and says it's his family that are traditional and then he asks me to leave before half 8 because his cousin messaged to say they were coming to visit at half 8 that morning.

It boggles me as to why

1. The family just tell him they are visiting and not ask
   
2. Why as an adult he couldn't say "actually I'm busy, now is not a good time" et al
   

He's even kept the it secret from his mum that he's completely ripped his tendon from his shoulder and will be having an operation next week. His mum is aware he's dating and yet he tells her nothing of where he is going or who with unless we are going somewhere for the weekend, so that she will know he won't be home.

So it seems he's living a lifestyle outside of his families culture in secret; it's just how long does that go on for... and why should I be a casualty of it.

[SlicedAndDiced]

Op that pretty much describes what everyone has been saying.

His family let him know they are coming because they KNOW he has a shag piece. But they do not want to see you, you are irrelevant!

It's not unusual in his culture for the man to date/ sleep with other women before settling down. It's very much out of sight out of mind.

They know someone like you exists. They just don't ever want to meet you.

[pinkfrocks]

Look at it another way.

Maybe the Turkish connection is a red herring and he just wanted to get shot of you this morning for any old number of reasons- and the 'cousins' were a good excuse. Maybe the cousins don't exist. Maybe he wants out but doesn't like to say so.

I don't know

But worth considering.

Whichever, you are best ending it.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

Another thing to think of is this :-

What if it all goes right? Ie suppose he realises he loves you desperately and decides to introduce you to all his family as "the woman I hope to marry in the future if I'm lucky enough".

What kind of inlaws will they be?

[FamiliesShareGerms]

Is it that he doesn't want his family to know he has had pre-marital sex ( which you being there pre9am suggests)?

[Sparks1007]

Just on the cousins not asking but telling: They don't need to ask. They're family. It's assumed he'd be happy for them to come round. He can't say no to family visiting. It's just the way it is.

He doesn't sound like he knows what he wants to be honest. I don't think it's as black and white as everyone says. Breaking with tradition and altering the course of his family and heritage is not an easy thing. That said, he isn't being kind with you and he isn't being honest. He also sounds like he's occupying too much head space which I understand. So, I would ditch him for those reasons rather than the fact that he's dealing with some rough cultural issues. If he and you were dealing with them together (or even if he gave you an indication that it was heading that way) then I'd say ride it out (provided you were really keen on him). But it doesn't sound like he's ready for that "battle" so move on.

[grumpasaur]

Op, another perspective if I may.

I dated- and then became engaged to- a Turkish man for about five years. He absolutely adored me, but it took him almost 18 months to tell his folks about me.

The thing is- Turkish men and women do NOT tell their parents about their girlfriends or boyfriends. It just isn't done. They tell their folks when they are ready to propose- or at least talk to their folks about wanting to propose. It's the way it is, and I can kind of understand it, because once you meet the folks, you are part of the family. I mean you call them mom and dad, know every aunt / cousin / friend / neighbour, etc, and your behavior reflects their family and their standing in the community.

So- he probably isn't sure right now, because 7-8 months isn't really long enough for him to know whether he is willing to bring you into his life permanently and completely yet- which is what he would be doing if you met the folks or were known about by close family members.

My ex and I were engaged for about a year, when his parents decided to visit Canada from Turkey (we lived in Canada at the time). Now, his parents absolutely adored me AND CRIED when we broke up, and I still keep in touch with them. They definitely knew we lived together, but even then - after three years of dating and over a year of being engaged and me calling them mum and dad- they still couldn't "know" we lived together. So I had to pretend to live at a friend's house whilst my ex pretended our big beautiful house was all his.

That's just the way it is.

I think, what you could do, is talk to him and try to understand his culture and the expectations which are placed on him, and on your relationship as a consequence.

Then, you have to decide if you can tolerate the bits of it that seem to clash so strongly with western culture and practices. It's sometimes difficult but there are many, many benefits as well. The Turkish culture is lovely and the people are just so kind and wonderful and caring and welcoming. But it is a different culture and different ways of thinking and doing come with it.

You won't be 'responsible' for his whole family, as another poster said. You will be closely involved with them, though- which has both beautiful advantages and frustrating disadvantages.

For me- it was worth it. We ended up breaking up, and actually, losing his culture was the bit I was saddest about (and not the reason for the break up, btw)

Hope that helps!

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I hear all the time here this:

"Nevermind what he SAYS, look at what he DOES".

You have your answer, OP, it's never been more clear. If he genuinely had feelings for you then he would either stand up to his mother and proudly introduce you or he would be straightforward with you and tell you that there's no future for you together.

You aren't his 'The One', you'd know it if you were and wouldn't be feeling so rotten. I'm sorry. Seven months is nothing in terms of getting out of something so meaningless.