7 months in ... Am I being an idiot / a filler girl / or over the top

[Crapatdating]

I've no kids so mums net isn't really where I should be but please could I have some outside perspective?!

I've been dating a man I met online for just over 7 months now. He's Turkish and I'm yet to meet his family and they do not know of me. He met my parents the other week, but This is his first serious relationship so I haven't pushed any of the parent meeting stuff as he's kind of explained his mum would like him to find himself a nice turkish girl to marry, but obviously at 26 years of age I don't really want to be stuck in limbo unaware of future prospects; not in an oh no my clock is ticking will you be my knight in tin foil way... but I don't want to be wasting my time either.

Ive stayed at his this week as he has injured himself and is in need of surgery. I've left with him every morning for work bit like a normal couple. Last night and we discussed what we would do today... I was going to take him food shopping etc because he couldn't drive and then we would go out for dinner tonight. This morning at half 7 after receiving a text message from a family member he asked me to leave before 9am because they were coming to visit. I was upset about this and quite visibly so. I told him I was and he told me not to be and "I'll see you later" to which I said I wouldn't be making the 40 minute journey back again after returning home.


When I left his place he messaged me "sorry just not ready to do the family stuff" and I gave him a call and (I'm feeling a bit like some needy over the top freak now) said "The thing is i don't think you'll ever be ready to do family stuff" to which he replied maybe, I'll talk to you when you get home.

I'm now home, feeling slightly erratic and foolish. It felt like I was doing some sort of walk of shame out of his place like I was a one nighter and the possibility that I'm a filler girl until he finds a nice turkish girl is filling my thoughts now.

Opinions please?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's beyond fishy it's downright insulting. You're a grown woman, not some teenager having to nick off down the drainpipe before The Grown Ups discover you've spent the night!

Please gather up what's left of your self respect and tell him it's over. Hope his arm is really painful btw. :)

[HumblePieMonster]

He's using you until wifey comes along - just leave
that's what i meant... but shorter...

[Pinkfrocks]

I know plenty of 26 yr olds living in a broom cupboard in London ( one of my own ) - it's the next step to independence.

Get rid. He's using you.

[SlicedAndDiced]

Sounds like the lines my nieces ex was coming out with.

Everyone warned her, but she was convinced he would love her eventually enough to come out with his family about her.

Ummm no. He left her alone and 8 months pregnant to go and marry a nice Turkish girl.

She was good enough to screw and clean up after him. Until he decided it was time to marry a 'proper woman' ( his families words not mine)

He's never seen his son.

Sorry that was a bit long winded but op, if I didn't know better I'd have sworn it was my niece writing this post two years ago.

[Crapatdating]

pinkfrocks -

His parents are in Turkey, they spend several months of the year there. He funded an extension on their home in Turkey last year and the decoration on it this year.
He lives with them in their London home and it was his cousin and cousins' wife visiting this morning.

[FrankSaysNo]

I said "It feels like I'm okay to be your girlfriend, have sex and do all that stuff but thats it" and he just reiterated the "I have feelings for you, it's more than that but it's a difficult situation". As well as "I don't want to have wasted the last 7-8 months either".


Is he Orthodox? I am loath to stereotype but is it possible his parents have an arranged marriage in mind for him. Again a sweeping stereo type - I live on the fringes of a very large Turkish (and Cypriot) community in South London - I don't know any man from that culture who would marry a woman he was sleeping with prior to marriage. It's just deemed a bit of fun, certainly never to be spoken about in front of his mother.

I'm sorry.

[GlaikitFizzog]

Yes, I understand but what I meant was, of they are away on holiday, could he just be using their house, when in reality he lives elsewhere with the "nice Turkish girl"?

He could have just told the family member they couldn't come round as he was out etc, why kick you out?

He parents must suspect he is seeing someone, as he has lived here most of his life they must realise the reality is he he is unlikely to end up with the nice Turkish girl. Where do they think he is when he is out with you? Staying (?) with you?

Regardless, he isn't as invested in this relationship as you are. You need to decide if this continues or not as it sounds like he won't end it, which is cowardly IMO.

[Pinkfrocks]

He's married to his parents.

You are wasting your time.

[Crapatdating]

Pinkfrocks -

I'm also living with my parents; I'd rather save to buy than pay somebody else's mortgage rent to live in a broom cupboard. That's not either here nor there though.


Thank you everyone; it's really helpful to have some reassurance from people who don't know me that it's not just in my head. I think I'll go and explain it properly and cut my losses.

[Viviennemary]

He doesn't want his family to know about you that's clear for a start. Call it a day now. It would be the most sensible thing to do to save future heartache. Sorry you experienced this. It's horrible.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Who are you planning to explain it to? Him? You already told him quite clearly that you're worth more than being his grubby secret.

[HopefulHamster]

He's not prepared to do more or even really apologise to you, is he?

So using you at best, already married/engaged at worst.

Sorry :-/

[strawberrypoptart]

Turkish families are generally very traditional. I come from a culture with a similar approach to family/relationships and the expectation is that any man I brought home would be the man I was going to marry! So I didn't introduce my DH to my parents until we'd been seeing each other for four years (we got engaged a year after that). Similar story with all my relatives. I had dated an awful lot of men before I'd met DH, some of them for a year or more, but none of them were keepers, so didn't go through the whole meeting family thing. As far as my mum knew, DH is the only man I've ever dated . It's hard for people outside the culture to really get it (DH is a Westerner and thought it was odd but I reassured him). But, I did have my own flat, and mostly went over to stay at his place, so never got into the situation of having to hide him from my parents!

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

You don't need to explain why you're finishing it. You only explain when you want them to argue you out of it! Plus, finishing it now is dramatic. It'll look knee-jerk. You want to be sure.

Have the weekend to yourself, don't contact him, fill the weekend with YOUR favourite things, and ponder on one question: is this relationship good enough for you?

After the weekend, if you don't think this is good enough for you, end the relationship for THAT reason. "This isn't good enough for me." Just that. He knows how you feel, he knows what the issues are.

At 26, your chances of meeting nice single blokes are higher than they'll ever be in the future, so cut your losses, book a holiday with a fun gf, have your hair done, go to the gym, and put this down to experience. A real from now it'll be a funny story you laugh about with your friends, while you date someone nude and normal.

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

OMG at my autocorrects! "Nude and normal"! I meant to say "nice and normal" but actually, I like the wrong version better.

[TheRainDrops]

What strawberry said. My sister is married to a Turk (in Turkey) and experienced a very similar set of circumstances where my brother in law couldn't introduce my sister as his 'girlfriend' - it had to be fiancée. Not wanting to rush into anything, that meant quite a long time of sneaking about but the clear difference there was that he had explained this to my sister early on and she was on board with it. He was the one pushing for engagement too, but she was being 'sensible'(!) hence it taking so long before she met them (and whoever it was up thread that said you'll be marrying the lot of them is so right. They're the most full on in-laws you could ever find). They've been very happily married now for over a decade.

Sounds like your boyfriend just isn't being straight with you about what the situation is, and that does suggest that he doesn't care enough about you. 7 months for a fully westernised Turk might not be long enough for him to lay his cards out and say 'you're the one, let's go and meet my parents' same as 7 months might not be long enough for anyone else to know the person they're with is 'the one' but if he ever has any intention of ever marrying for love he needs to be totally honest with his girlfriend about his cultural pressures. Whether that girlfriend is you or not is in your hands!
Good luck OP

[TheRainDrops]

nude and normal!!

[PigletJohn]

Crapdating

you are very eloquent in making excuses for this man who is using you as his floozy.

I think you know the answer, and you are getting it, but you don't like it.

Sorry.

[Egghead68]

He's not in it for the long-term.

[blueshoes]

piglet, you must have missed the OP's last message.

She's got it.

[PigletJohn]

Sorry twice.

[Crapatdating]

Thanks Piglet, I have "got it" that's why I posted. I wanted to hear the views of people who have no emotional attachment to him or I. I'm already emotionally involved with this man but my brain says for god sake have some self respect and walk away.

I teach english as a foreign language and have an awareness that actually many cultures work very different to my own. He did tell me before that his mother would only want to meet the woman he marries. Whilst the westerner in me says I don't want to be anybodies secret, I have respect for the his cultures dynamic and would be understanding... it's more to do with the way he's behaved regarding his culture that is the problem as it shows a lack of respect and value for me.

No excuses are being made, I'm trying to get my head around it all. Saying "Thanks for 7 months but see ya later" is a little bit unrealistic. I don't have any intention of subjecting myself to further months of being undervalued like a filler for when he finds himself a good turkish girl, but I do wish to air how I feel for a bit of closure.

[Pinkfrocks]

all you need say to him is it isn't working for you because of how he treats you. or just not be available to a date when he gets in touch.

really- 7 months is nothing at 26- so you don't owe him any kind of speech.

If you go in for the long chat I suspect you are hoping it will make him rethink and not want to lose you.

[TheGirlFromIpanema]

I'm going to give a slightly different perspective here I think.

From what you have said I wonder if it is a 'no sex before marriage' situation, and possibly even 'no sex under our roof' rule from his parents.

I have friends who, even in recent years, would hide boyfriends from their religious/old fashioned parents until they were sure they were in a fully committed relationship. Maybe even when marriage had been proposed. No funny business. Just inter-generational differences of opinion! Seven months is not a long time at this age imo.

You do need a serious talk with him about it all though - much easier to go along with something if you know why and roughly how long it might be necessary for iyswim.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If it was a 'no sex' thing they could have been chastely sipping tea when the cousins called round....