7 months in ... Am I being an idiot / a filler girl / or over the top

[Crapatdating]

I've no kids so mums net isn't really where I should be but please could I have some outside perspective?!

I've been dating a man I met online for just over 7 months now. He's Turkish and I'm yet to meet his family and they do not know of me. He met my parents the other week, but This is his first serious relationship so I haven't pushed any of the parent meeting stuff as he's kind of explained his mum would like him to find himself a nice turkish girl to marry, but obviously at 26 years of age I don't really want to be stuck in limbo unaware of future prospects; not in an oh no my clock is ticking will you be my knight in tin foil way... but I don't want to be wasting my time either.

Ive stayed at his this week as he has injured himself and is in need of surgery. I've left with him every morning for work bit like a normal couple. Last night and we discussed what we would do today... I was going to take him food shopping etc because he couldn't drive and then we would go out for dinner tonight. This morning at half 7 after receiving a text message from a family member he asked me to leave before 9am because they were coming to visit. I was upset about this and quite visibly so. I told him I was and he told me not to be and "I'll see you later" to which I said I wouldn't be making the 40 minute journey back again after returning home.


When I left his place he messaged me "sorry just not ready to do the family stuff" and I gave him a call and (I'm feeling a bit like some needy over the top freak now) said "The thing is i don't think you'll ever be ready to do family stuff" to which he replied maybe, I'll talk to you when you get home.

I'm now home, feeling slightly erratic and foolish. It felt like I was doing some sort of walk of shame out of his place like I was a one nighter and the possibility that I'm a filler girl until he finds a nice turkish girl is filling my thoughts now.

Opinions please?

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I hear all the time here this:

"Nevermind what he SAYS, look at what he DOES".

You have your answer, OP, it's never been more clear. If he genuinely had feelings for you then he would either stand up to his mother and proudly introduce you or he would be straightforward with you and tell you that there's no future for you together.

You aren't his 'The One', you'd know it if you were and wouldn't be feeling so rotten. I'm sorry. Seven months is nothing in terms of getting out of something so meaningless.

[grumpasaur]

Op, another perspective if I may.

I dated- and then became engaged to- a Turkish man for about five years. He absolutely adored me, but it took him almost 18 months to tell his folks about me.

The thing is- Turkish men and women do NOT tell their parents about their girlfriends or boyfriends. It just isn't done. They tell their folks when they are ready to propose- or at least talk to their folks about wanting to propose. It's the way it is, and I can kind of understand it, because once you meet the folks, you are part of the family. I mean you call them mom and dad, know every aunt / cousin / friend / neighbour, etc, and your behavior reflects their family and their standing in the community.

So- he probably isn't sure right now, because 7-8 months isn't really long enough for him to know whether he is willing to bring you into his life permanently and completely yet- which is what he would be doing if you met the folks or were known about by close family members.

My ex and I were engaged for about a year, when his parents decided to visit Canada from Turkey (we lived in Canada at the time). Now, his parents absolutely adored me AND CRIED when we broke up, and I still keep in touch with them. They definitely knew we lived together, but even then - after three years of dating and over a year of being engaged and me calling them mum and dad- they still couldn't "know" we lived together. So I had to pretend to live at a friend's house whilst my ex pretended our big beautiful house was all his.

That's just the way it is.

I think, what you could do, is talk to him and try to understand his culture and the expectations which are placed on him, and on your relationship as a consequence.

Then, you have to decide if you can tolerate the bits of it that seem to clash so strongly with western culture and practices. It's sometimes difficult but there are many, many benefits as well. The Turkish culture is lovely and the people are just so kind and wonderful and caring and welcoming. But it is a different culture and different ways of thinking and doing come with it.

You won't be 'responsible' for his whole family, as another poster said. You will be closely involved with them, though- which has both beautiful advantages and frustrating disadvantages.

For me- it was worth it. We ended up breaking up, and actually, losing his culture was the bit I was saddest about (and not the reason for the break up, btw)

Hope that helps!

[Sparks1007]

Just on the cousins not asking but telling: They don't need to ask. They're family. It's assumed he'd be happy for them to come round. He can't say no to family visiting. It's just the way it is.

He doesn't sound like he knows what he wants to be honest. I don't think it's as black and white as everyone says. Breaking with tradition and altering the course of his family and heritage is not an easy thing. That said, he isn't being kind with you and he isn't being honest. He also sounds like he's occupying too much head space which I understand. So, I would ditch him for those reasons rather than the fact that he's dealing with some rough cultural issues. If he and you were dealing with them together (or even if he gave you an indication that it was heading that way) then I'd say ride it out (provided you were really keen on him). But it doesn't sound like he's ready for that "battle" so move on.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

Is it that he doesn't want his family to know he has had pre-marital sex ( which you being there pre9am suggests)?

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

Another thing to think of is this :-

What if it all goes right? Ie suppose he realises he loves you desperately and decides to introduce you to all his family as "the woman I hope to marry in the future if I'm lucky enough".

What kind of inlaws will they be?

[pinkfrocks]

Look at it another way.

Maybe the Turkish connection is a red herring and he just wanted to get shot of you this morning for any old number of reasons- and the 'cousins' were a good excuse. Maybe the cousins don't exist. Maybe he wants out but doesn't like to say so.

I don't know

But worth considering.

Whichever, you are best ending it.

[SlicedAndDiced]

Op that pretty much describes what everyone has been saying.

His family let him know they are coming because they KNOW he has a shag piece. But they do not want to see you, you are irrelevant!

It's not unusual in his culture for the man to date/ sleep with other women before settling down. It's very much out of sight out of mind.

They know someone like you exists. They just don't ever want to meet you.

[Crapatdating]

It's interesting to hear other people's experiences.

The turkish guy I'm dating is non religious, jokes about how his mum tells him about all these Turkish catches she knows and that she knows he isn't going to just marry some turkish girl... It's a little ironic that he finds it funny and says it's his family that are traditional and then he asks me to leave before half 8 because his cousin messaged to say they were coming to visit at half 8 that morning.

It boggles me as to why

1. The family just tell him they are visiting and not ask
   
2. Why as an adult he couldn't say "actually I'm busy, now is not a good time" et al
   

He's even kept the it secret from his mum that he's completely ripped his tendon from his shoulder and will be having an operation next week. His mum is aware he's dating and yet he tells her nothing of where he is going or who with unless we are going somewhere for the weekend, so that she will know he won't be home.

So it seems he's living a lifestyle outside of his families culture in secret; it's just how long does that go on for... and why should I be a casualty of it.

[Deluge]

My sister dated a British born Turkish guy for a year. He declared his love for her, introduced her to his friends etc but said he would have to take time over the introduction to his family, as she wasnt a Muslim and they would be disappointed. He 'wasnt ready' etc etc.

Then she got pregnant accidentally. She never saw him again. She had a termination. He didnt give a flying fuck. Basically shat himself and ran for the hills.

That isnt meant as an anti-Turkish rant. I have a wonderful Turkish male friend who is married to a Turkish woman and always said all along that he couldnt ever date anyone from outside his culture (Kurdish) as it was too important to him and to his family that his culture and religion be carried on in the family. Thats honest, at least.

[lowcarbforthewin]

I love The Turkish people I know but you are up against a very traditional set up. It definitely sounds like he likes being with you but won't introduce you to his family. I guarantee he will marry a nice virginal Turkish girl.

Much better to walk away now. Save yourself a lot of heartache, please.

[deste]

If it was a case of not wanting relatives to know he was "living in sin, could be a religious thing or cultural" I would understand him not wanting you there. If it's because you are not what they expect of him, you are in for a difficult tme because you would probably never be the right person. Life is not meant to be a struggle. Think to the future, if you ever got married and had children and split up, god forbid, he would probably want to go home and take your children with him. I've seen it before. Look ahead and think what you are prepared to accept.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If it was a 'no sex' thing they could have been chastely sipping tea when the cousins called round....

[TheGirlFromIpanema]

I'm going to give a slightly different perspective here I think.

From what you have said I wonder if it is a 'no sex before marriage' situation, and possibly even 'no sex under our roof' rule from his parents.

I have friends who, even in recent years, would hide boyfriends from their religious/old fashioned parents until they were sure they were in a fully committed relationship. Maybe even when marriage had been proposed. No funny business. Just inter-generational differences of opinion! Seven months is not a long time at this age imo.

You do need a serious talk with him about it all though - much easier to go along with something if you know why and roughly how long it might be necessary for iyswim.

[Pinkfrocks]

all you need say to him is it isn't working for you because of how he treats you. or just not be available to a date when he gets in touch.

really- 7 months is nothing at 26- so you don't owe him any kind of speech.

If you go in for the long chat I suspect you are hoping it will make him rethink and not want to lose you.

[Crapatdating]

Thanks Piglet, I have "got it" that's why I posted. I wanted to hear the views of people who have no emotional attachment to him or I. I'm already emotionally involved with this man but my brain says for god sake have some self respect and walk away.

I teach english as a foreign language and have an awareness that actually many cultures work very different to my own. He did tell me before that his mother would only want to meet the woman he marries. Whilst the westerner in me says I don't want to be anybodies secret, I have respect for the his cultures dynamic and would be understanding... it's more to do with the way he's behaved regarding his culture that is the problem as it shows a lack of respect and value for me.

No excuses are being made, I'm trying to get my head around it all. Saying "Thanks for 7 months but see ya later" is a little bit unrealistic. I don't have any intention of subjecting myself to further months of being undervalued like a filler for when he finds himself a good turkish girl, but I do wish to air how I feel for a bit of closure.

[PigletJohn]

Sorry twice.

[blueshoes]

piglet, you must have missed the OP's last message.

She's got it.

[Egghead68]

He's not in it for the long-term.

[PigletJohn]

Crapdating

you are very eloquent in making excuses for this man who is using you as his floozy.

I think you know the answer, and you are getting it, but you don't like it.

Sorry.

[TheRainDrops]

nude and normal!!

[TheRainDrops]

What strawberry said. My sister is married to a Turk (in Turkey) and experienced a very similar set of circumstances where my brother in law couldn't introduce my sister as his 'girlfriend' - it had to be fiancée. Not wanting to rush into anything, that meant quite a long time of sneaking about but the clear difference there was that he had explained this to my sister early on and she was on board with it. He was the one pushing for engagement too, but she was being 'sensible'(!) hence it taking so long before she met them (and whoever it was up thread that said you'll be marrying the lot of them is so right. They're the most full on in-laws you could ever find). They've been very happily married now for over a decade.

Sounds like your boyfriend just isn't being straight with you about what the situation is, and that does suggest that he doesn't care enough about you. 7 months for a fully westernised Turk might not be long enough for him to lay his cards out and say 'you're the one, let's go and meet my parents' same as 7 months might not be long enough for anyone else to know the person they're with is 'the one' but if he ever has any intention of ever marrying for love he needs to be totally honest with his girlfriend about his cultural pressures. Whether that girlfriend is you or not is in your hands!
Good luck OP

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

OMG at my autocorrects! "Nude and normal"! I meant to say "nice and normal" but actually, I like the wrong version better.

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

You don't need to explain why you're finishing it. You only explain when you want them to argue you out of it! Plus, finishing it now is dramatic. It'll look knee-jerk. You want to be sure.

Have the weekend to yourself, don't contact him, fill the weekend with YOUR favourite things, and ponder on one question: is this relationship good enough for you?

After the weekend, if you don't think this is good enough for you, end the relationship for THAT reason. "This isn't good enough for me." Just that. He knows how you feel, he knows what the issues are.

At 26, your chances of meeting nice single blokes are higher than they'll ever be in the future, so cut your losses, book a holiday with a fun gf, have your hair done, go to the gym, and put this down to experience. A real from now it'll be a funny story you laugh about with your friends, while you date someone nude and normal.

[strawberrypoptart]

Turkish families are generally very traditional. I come from a culture with a similar approach to family/relationships and the expectation is that any man I brought home would be the man I was going to marry! So I didn't introduce my DH to my parents until we'd been seeing each other for four years (we got engaged a year after that). Similar story with all my relatives. I had dated an awful lot of men before I'd met DH, some of them for a year or more, but none of them were keepers, so didn't go through the whole meeting family thing. As far as my mum knew, DH is the only man I've ever dated . It's hard for people outside the culture to really get it (DH is a Westerner and thought it was odd but I reassured him). But, I did have my own flat, and mostly went over to stay at his place, so never got into the situation of having to hide him from my parents!

[HopefulHamster]

He's not prepared to do more or even really apologise to you, is he?

So using you at best, already married/engaged at worst.

Sorry :-/