How do I learn to be ok alone?

[dontcallmehon22]

I'm struggling. My marriage broke down 18 months ago. I met someone else who I had a brief relationship with. I loved him and was heartbroken when it ended. I'm a parent to 3 dcs and I'm finding single parenthood exhausting. I have had a couple of casual things, but I just feel more alone. I want to love someone again, but I really don't think it's going to happen for me. My loneliness has partly triggered a recurrence of my old eating disorder issues.

I need to learn to be alone and to accept it. How do I do that?

Marking place...back in a bit x

Thanks before. First challenge is tomorrow! Off to a writer's group with my online dating guide. Will update on how it goes!

Don't that sounds great.

Just remember that getting out there and building up a new life as a single person and loving it all takes time. Sometimes you find that you don't enjoy the new class/adventure you're trying and sometimes you don't quite gel with the new people you meet but you can't give up. It's like so many of the good things in life - it takes a bit of time and some ups and downs to figure it all out. Enjoy the writing group tomorrow night!

I will. I'm nervous about it. Online dating seems to have shredded my self confidence. I hope I can carve out a way to be me.

BeforeAndAfter - fab to read your posts - really inspiring!

Just wanted to say it's about the same length of time for me since marriage broke down, I now have a boyfriend, but still struggle with exhaustion and loneliness as you describe because my new partner does not live with me (and won't for likely a decade). He is great company when I see him, but I still need to get out there and do my own thing, and somehow cope on my own at home, which after years of marriage is not easy. Think you've had some lovely ideas given on here. The more you go it alone and succeed the easier it gets. A massive teddy bear helps at night with the loneliness (i'm not kidding...borrow one off a kid!)

I'll try. I have a strong feeling that I can't attract anyone into my life if I'm not happy on my own.

Don't-I'm in a similar position. X moved out at Easter (at my initial request though if I'm honest I think I've made a huge mistake...he's not prepared to work things out). What the time apart has taught me so far is that aside from X, DS and (unfortunately) my work...I have absolutely nothing and no-one. It's a dreadful realisation one which I've honestly no idea how to resolve

It is hard, Mum 4. I think I'm just putting dating on the backburner for now. I went to a writers' group yesterday though. I was really nervous - but I loved it. I think writing will get me through.

I know this sounds harsh but really, there is nothing more off putting than people who are desperate for a relationship - either a romantic one or people just desperate to be friends. I find it hard to understand how people have so few hobbies and interests - I can't fit everything in that I want to do (and none of my hobbies are expensive or difficult ) - there are so many volunteering opportunites where you will be kept busy and meet new people, true, you might not like them all but at least you keep busy and active. I am involved in five different voluntary groups and all are desperate for more help - as are most volunteer organisations I am sure.

I come across people who say they are lonely and 'can't meet the right sort of people' but they won't do anything to help themselves. I know it is n't always easy, I move around a lot so I have to make a huge effort ............ but I soon find loads to do. People who lead busy and fulfilling lives are much more interesting to meet and talk to ......... and who knows where it can lead ?

I'm not desperate for a relationship. I'd like one, but I won't compromise on what I want if that makes sense. I'm not the type to just latch onto a man because I'm lonely. What I want is to be in love again, but I can't force that. I never have a problem attracting men, but I never seem to be attracted to them. The casual thing I just had was quite sad really, because he was great in so many ways, but it just wasn't quite there. I can't do intimacy without emotion either, so I'm doomed to celibacy for the forseeable.

Writing is something I love and I LOVED writing group yesterday. When I run out of material, I will get out there and date, as the book is about dating - but I can definitely last for a while with the material I've got.

I just get the feeling that Mr Right could walk through the door right now and I'd never see it. I'm not in the right space mentally to recognise it and I haven't figured out how to live on my own yet.

In counselling I identified that I've always felt different. Always a bit lonely. Introvert, shy. I'd mask it with alcohol in my teens. Then I clung to men and relationships as a way of masking that void. But it never really went away, I just didn't have to confront it.

When my marriage ended, I spent 18 months sleeping on the sofa. My kingsize bed felt too empty, too lonely. I still need something when I sleep - the TV, music, a light.

I've spent too long running away from loneliness. I need to confront it and learn to live with it. Then I'll be ready to possibly have someone in my life.

Don't I'm really glad you loved your writing group. Does anything else tempt you yet? Did you check out Meet Up?

As for needing something when you sleep I'm just the same. I've not had a good night's sleep since leaving XP. I go to sleep with the radio on or catching up with TV on the iPad. I then wake up to turn off the radio in the wee hours. I still dream about him every single night and they're very vivid and real dreams. The dreams are how I know that I'm not ready to even start dating, let alone contemplate a relationship.

Hi Before, I know what you mean on the dreams. I'd occasionally have them about the last man I was with. They're gone now, mostly - he feels faded and distant, but sometimes I wish I could come face to face with him and tell him what he did. Hopefully one day I won't care about him, or what he thinks anymore.

I did look at Meet up and I'm off on a literary walk next week with a girl's book club. One of the members is giving me a lift there, so hopefully I'll make some friends. As a socially awkward introvert I have always tended to eschew groups, but I loved writing group so much, I think I need to try. My abiding memory of groups in the past was an awful postnatal depression group I was sent to, where all the other members made friends and ignored me.

Oh the walk sounds great. I've done a few walks and I've found them very non-cliquey. You tend to walk with one person for a while then somehow you end up walking with someone else and the conversation just keeps flowing. I find a larger group tends to have less potential for being cliquey.

I was somewhere last weekend (fitness bootcamp) that got a bit cliquey but I tend not take it personally and as I don't want to be a member of a clique and exclude someone I'm always happy to just hover, mingle and chit chat. I'm also comfortable with taking myself away to a quiet corner with a cup of coffee and a book to read which no-one takes offence at.

I do find that when I make the effort to text/email/call/book dates in the diary I have a really active social life with friends who are very happy to see me. Oddly enough if I don't make the effort I tend to not receive anything more than the odd text. I'm not someone who gets invited to participate in other people's events but everyone's always happy to join me in my organised events. It sometimes bugs me that I do all the work and I have a huffy five minutes but I've come to accept that I'm probably someone people look forward to hearing from because we always do something fun and I kid myself that they don't contact me because they think I'm doing something amazing with my life...

It does take ages doing the grunt work of looking up theatre/cinema listings, museum events, art gallery stuff but I always love the outing when it comes to it so will spend a few hours every so often researching stuff that interests me.

I know how you feel op but recently I have concluded that I have always been far happier and at peace when happily single than when in a relationship or dating. My relationships have been shite though. The positives;
Complete freedom.
No need to compromise.
No jealousy or insecurity.
Independence
Time to grow and nurture ones soul
Dc to oneself
No hard work in laws
Financial autonomy
No second guessing some bloke
No games
Sexual freedom
I could go on

So sorry to hear you feel this way don't. Long term lurker here but felt I needed to post.

As someone who is much happier without the hassle of relationships, I've learned that a busy life and great supportive friends can truly be the best thing ever. If internet dating isn't working for you, then give it a good break. You need a thick skin and a hefty dose of 'Oh well, his loss' to do it!

I second the idea of forcing yourself to leave it well alone til 2015 and focussing on YOU instead. What do you like? What have you always fancied trying? What's on locally that you would have always liked to try but didn't as you were spending the time dating/with a man? There are only so many hours in the day and thinking about dating takes up headspace which could be freed up for other, more enjoyable things! (Make no mistake I love men but I CAN do sex with no strings so I enjoy that and then get on with the rest of my life)

My sister has travelled all over the place and went to Oz on her own to live ten years ago. She built up a great network by, as she says 'whipping my diary out whenever someone suggested getting a coffee and putting a date in'. Friends introduce you to friends and so it grows. With time and effort you have a great circle and a good life that you're actually thinking 'This guy had better be AMAZING for me to give up any of this for him'!

It's partly the way our society looks at relationships. Every engagement (no matter how unsuitable) is wildly congratulated, we're asked if we're 'still single' and lo and behold you can feel less than without a man. Friendships can be just as good, if not better and on your own doesn't have to be lonely if you take the time to do lovely things with and for yourself. REFUSE to buy into the crap about not cooking for yourself or it being 'weird' to do stuff alone. Learn what you want and like and take some time to do it.

There are no roadmaps for being single really. I once lived with an idiot who said it was 'the bit in between boyfriends' but it can be the best bit, when you find out who you are.

Whether or not you meet someone in 2015 or 2018 or whatever, take this time as precious time out. And invest in a shit hot vibrator for the other stuff.

HTH

I'm feeling more positive already. This week I've writing group (I was going to read my book out, but I've decided not to put any pressure on myself at all), then lunch at the park with my friend and my dc, then I'm having some nice beauty treatments with my birthday vouchers I got from my mum. Saturday I'm on an outing with a book club I joined and then in the evening I'm having dinner and drinks with a friend. Sunday I do have a date - but I'm not in any way desperate - my week is jam packed already!

Going to work and sleeping is two thirds out of the day straight away. Factor in the house work chores and then free time stuff you want to do for yourself (telly watching, reading, etc..) and really there's barely any time left for relationships.

That's true, mademan - though I don't know if I want to think of it like that. Plus I'm a teacher, so there's a summer holiday where I've lots of time