Pathetic crush and now I feel like a fool

[oliveoliveolive]

I've name changed, not sure what I'm looking for here really but probably just sympathy.

I split up from my ex a few months ago with whom I have a dd - the split was amicable enough.

Post-split I made friends with a lovely guy who I'd previously known about from mutual friends but had never really spoken to him iyswim.

Anyways, we got talking and became fast friends within these few months so much so that we spoke every day and met up frequently on a strictly platonic basis (though I always thought I sensed something more than platonic). There was a bit of flirting but nothing was ever really said apart from how we cared about one another a lot etc and just laughing at how important we are to each other and how it's amazing we hadn't met sooner. He really does seem in awe of our friendship as am I - I won't go into detail but we have in common a few personal matters which until now neither of us had found in other people. We have the same sense of humour and just get on.

So recently I've accepted that I'm ready for a new relationship (to be fair I have been for a few weeks if not longer) and that my feelings for this man go beyond just platonic - he's suffered some personal tragedies this month and it's all been a bit draining for him, I've been there to support him through this and grown even closer to him. He really is a lovely guy and we really do 'click' together well, even mutual friends have said there is an obvious spark.

But then today he asked for my input on how to proceed with things in relation to a colleague he rather fancies - apparently I'm his only female friend and just 'knew' I would have good advice.

I have been friendzoned and it is shit.

I feel pathetic and mortified at the thought of actually having told him my feelings and then finding out he fancies someone else.

Going nc or anything with him is out of the question because he really is a great guy and a wonderful friend but I'm not sure how I feel about seeing him dating someone else if things with his colleague or someone else work out. I feel quite devastated to be honest and not just because he likes someone else but because this 'spark' or chemistry we had is one I've never really felt before. We both recognised that we get along so well etc so I'm quite stumped as to why he never saw a romantic potential in what we currently have. If a man and a woman find a connection between themselves that is clearly strong then why did a romantic prospect only enter my mind, why not his?

fishdishwish - do love me a bit of Dolly!

Are you sure the colleague he fancies isn't you?

I have an inkling he does. It's very difficult for both men and women to make the first move on someone they like. If you feel that you have chemistry there is usually a good reason for this, it means that you are on the same wavelength. I agree with a previous poster who said that even if he doesn't feel the same way your friendship will not be sustainable. You really have nothing to lose.
A simple letter would be best, nothing too heavy, or send him an email .

Thank you all for your responses and input.

ChelsyHandy - I don't think I'm the colleague, the advice he asked for was quite specific and wouldn't match up to 'us' iyswim

I think there definitely is 'something' there, and it goes beyond just being a platonic friendship but I think for one reason or another he's not made a concrete move and neither have I. I do feel we both have to an extent skirted around this and at times it has felt like the elephant in the room. This is the main reason why him asking for advice was to out of the blue yesterday, I think I rather naively expected something to just develop organically (all previous relationships of mine have to an extent come out from friendships, albeit with more of an assertive approach being taken by my exes).

I think I'm going to have to bring the subject up somehow when he's back, I don't think it's healthy to have this hanging over my head and perhaps his too.

*so

Maybe that was his way of letting you know he won't wait for you forever which is not totally unreasonable.

Don't pay any attention to tinks. Normally I'd be the first to tell somebody to get back on to planet earth and stop chasing a man, but in this situation you have a real relationship (based on friendship) and he asked you what you look for in a boyfriend whilst attempting to play footsie with you under the table and you kicked him by accident! ha ha! it's no wonder the guy isn't taking any risks from now on.

It's also possible that he could be happy with you and happy with the colleague. I've had that happen to be as well in the past (rolls eyes) that feeling that i was just pipped to the post by a slightly braver version of my self.

the truth is most of us could be happy with hundreds of people (out there somewhere). I think he was testing you telling you about the colleague. Testing you and warning you that he won't wait forever.........

I don't mean happy with you and happy with the colleague at the same time. I mean realistically, if you don't believe in the one, it's quite possible that he feels he could be close to either of you like that.

ps, oliveoliveolive, i wondered if somebody at work liked me like that, but then after seeing him twice a week (through work) since about March, he called me a name that begins with the same letter as my name but it is ........... not my name. So I am getting better, I actually calmly thought, right, well I will mentally take a step back. (not that I was flirting). externally I was the same. Hope that makes sense.

externally, i mean outwardly!

Few weeks! Augh the suspense, the drama, I want to know now!

Sorry OP I am completely trivialising your situation but I agree with others that A card on the table is very different from All of them, and you should go for it as scary as that is.

I say this because this was exactly DH and I. We were firmly in friend zone, not wanting to open that can of worms, both not realising the other would be more than happy to blow the can wide open... and we have been married 13 years now.

yeh, come back and update us!

How about testing the water next time you are playing footsie/ being tactile by saying in a jokey manner something like 'your colleague wouldn't like us doing this if you got together, maybe we should stop"

If he was interested in you he'd let it continue but if he agrees with you then you know where you stand.

Text him say you Like him and then blame the fact you were drinking if he ignores it ;)

No, don't ever say you were pissed, Grow a pair and tell him the truth. He sounds really lovely and if he doesn't feel the same way I'm almost certain he will be very tactful and diplomatic about the situation.
He doesn't sound like the kind of dick who'll tell all and sundry about this. Maybe you'll be draw a line under this or perhaps you'll fall into each others arms. Either way you need to know where you stand. ( and my guess is he's thinking the same thing too).

I think I will bite the bullet and soon too! I've spoken to him over the phone today but just couldn't say anything about 'us' - but I think a face to face conversation would scare me. Plus I won't have the opportunity for a few weeks and now, because of these lovely responses, I just want to clear the air with him because you all are right, either way this friendship cannot be sustained with such intensity if he finds someone else etc, it really is about me taking some initiative. I think I have been very naive and vague with him looking back. The footsie thing was a disaster - I am cringing about it!

This reminds me of myself in my twenties. I would do all the eye contact, feel the chemistry, but wild horses wouldn't get me to admit I liked someone so if they weren't really assertive, it would just fade away. Sheer pride and bloody mindedness wouldn't let me appear vulnerable or let anyone know I liked them that much- it didn't stand me in good stead and there's at least one fish I wonder if I should have let get away - after dithering for a few months, he upped and married someone else and I don't blame him at all! Fortune favours the bold. I am not one for chasing men (see above) but equally if you rebuff all minor attempts to be interested, eventually he will move on. Perhaps he already has. It has to be worth finding out though, for as everyone says, you won't be able to have this type of relationship intensity for ever anyway so it seems worth opening the door just a crack and seeing what happens. If he jumps at the chance, great, if he doesn't then at least you know and you can perhaps step back a little from the situation.

Email him, he's probably chomping at the bit. What harm can it do?

Ok well I just spoke to him over the phone and he asked if I was interested in going up to visit him where he's working for the weekend because otherwise I won't see him for weeks and he misses me!

Should I go and take the plunge?!

Yes, definitely! I think it's really promising that he misses you, olive. At the very least, you can use the opportunity to find out what on earth is going on... (and update us all, obviously ).

OF COURSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know it's a bit teenager but can't you just GDAL?

Get Drunk And Lunge?!

Seriously there is a lot to be said to this approach ;-)

I was friends with my now DH for a few years - very much in danger of staying in the "friendzone" - and it took a drunken night out for us to both realise we fancied each other. (Actually I knew I fancied him, I needed him to realise he fancied me!).

As a guy, I'd recommend trying to have a chat about it too.

I was the male in a very similar situation with a female colleague for around a year.

Tried having 'the chat' with her a couple of times as we were both single and got on great and were basically in a sexless relationship! I also couldn't be 'just good friends' with her anymore but she clammed up and didn't engage in any of my attempts to have 'the chat'!

Took the hint and backed-off completely and she seems to have done the same now although she does try to keep in touch more than I do.

Bit gutted buy hey, just the way it goes sometimes - Good Luck!

God I am excited for you!!! yes definitely go!!!

and I like bumblebzz idea of getting drunk and lunge!!!

or if you're not that brave could you just make a joke of it and say something like "so have you shattered all my hopes and dreams and asked XXX out yet then?" or something like that?? although he might think you are just joking. Maybe you could just say more seriously and "by the way I am not joking??"

I really want to know what is going to happen - nothing this good on telly for sure:0)

In my own personal experience I have never felt 'something' and it's not reciprocated and men don't say they miss you if they just want to be friends!!

He put his cards on the table and you rejected him.

But you didn't mean to reject him so it's your turn.

Just send him something like
"Our friend/s think we should date?"
If he says no, then you agree with him, and say yeah I see you as a friend, I wasn't sure either.

if he says yes, then you date.

Oh go but please don't fall into a FWB situation.