Breeding or Leaving

[BloodontheTracks]

I'm 33 years old and have been in my relationship for eight years. After that amount of time we've both become a bit bored, we admit it. There have also been infidelities on both sides that we've worked through but they've left their scars, especially around trust. I love him hugely, I want only good for him. He loves me and we respect each other. However, along with the trust stuff, which we've worked very hard to get over, there are other issues. He's depressive and low energy, though he acknowledges this and does his best. But I look for positivity and fun more from friends and family than from him. We don't share the same sense of humour and we're not having as much sex as I'd like. Though he is amazing in a crisis, kind and hugely solid and wise, he's a heavy presence sometimes. I find myself thinking a lot about other relationships, just in theory, not with anyone real, just imaginary.

This worries me as I want to have a baby. He does too but we both feel trepidatious about it, for all the normal reasons I think, plus a little bit of doubt about the 'rest of life' partner aspect.

in short I'm considering us trying for a baby but I always thought that would happen from a place of absolute relationship bliss and strength. Whilst we're not angry or chaotic, it's a bit tired, like some relationships get ten years in and I do feel a bit like I'm settling and there is something a little damaged, a little sad, after an affair I had and his retaliatory infidelities a few years ago.

I know no one can advise this really but I find myself swinging almost hourly between desperately wanting to become a parent with him and fantasizing about leaving and trying to find someone a bit more upbeat, supportive of me, who makes me laugh. I know this sounds immature but it's one of those moments that feels like a potential life mistake, a major fork in the road. We've worked on a lot of stuff so I feel we know the essence of each other. The idea of losing him makes me feel distraught, but the thought of being with him for another twenty years makes me feel depressed.
Has anyone been in a similar position or have any insight into the best ways to stop over-thinking and just act?

[rosepetalsoup]

Hi OP -
I've noticed this thread continuing and so continued to think about it. I have another possible suggestion that I hope won't come across as rude!
You've described yourself several times in quite clear terms as practical (non-fiction reader!) head screwed-on and feet firmly on the floor type. Also, as someone said above, your thread title is a little unromantic (which again you said matched your sense of humour).
I wonder if it is actually you yourself that is responsible for the feeling that has overwhelmed your relationship. Sometimes you do need a bit of je ne sais quoi, a bit of caution to the wind to get things going in a long relationship. You sound very sensible, and even pragmatic about the affairs. Is it possible that your DP is serious and a bit down because he's trying to match your approach?
That said, you could just be feeling/doing all those things because you're not in love. I think you need to get out of your safety zone!

[roland83]

I could have written this myself.

I'm 31, in a not ideal long term relationship (5.5yrs) and trying to decide how I should proceed from now on. Stay in it and hope for the best or take the chance of meeting someone more suitable.

I'm worried that by this age most men will have children / marriage already and finding a single, solvent, normal person will not be easy and I may throw away my chance at having children.

My best friend who has 3 kids thinks I will easily find someone else and should try at least... my mum who is on her 3rd marriage thinks I should stay and give it a go. So no help there then!

Gah.. it sucks being a woman sometimes, with this ticking clock going on inside your head, men don't really have that problem.

Saying that, my last relationship was 8yrs, and to be fair by 4-5yrs I was bored then too, so maybe it's just the way I am.. I certainly don't want to be jumping from one man to the next, so I'll just get on with it.

[rosepetalsoup]

Hi roland

I worried that - but I'm 34 and there are lots of nice single men about. It all feels so desperate when you're on the threshold of 30, but a little more into your mid-30s and they are out there (and, strangely, the 28 year old men are more sexy/up for it!)

Go for it!!

[BloodontheTracks]

Ha, no feel free to probe, rose, I'm certainly open to looking at myself pretty hard right now. And yes no doubt I have been 'stuck'.

If you were to ask other people, long-standing friends etc, they would describe my partner as quiet, dour, kind, thoughtful, a bit intimidating, bordering on the depressive. They'd describe me as more outgoing, funny, cynical, passive-aggressive, and a bit of a 'reflector', i.e I will pick up others' mannerisms when I talk to them and fit in in lots of different scenarios. This could be seen as a weak sense of self, and maybe it is, whereas my partner is more of a rock. My family, for example, weren't sure about him to start with because he seemed to make 'no effort'. Whereas that's just cos he is who he is, wherever he goes. He's not very smiley and chatty. He has integrity and solidity, but little flexibility.

I'm not unadventurous. And neither is he. But we have stopped being adventurous together. I paid for us to go on a big holiday earlier in the year and arranged the whole thing and I felt let down and dismayed by how unappreciative he seemed to be and how little fun there was between us. When I really really try, when I really push and focus a spotlight on him of warmth and flirtation and effort then things get
better. Though I feel like I have to lower status a bit to do it.

But the wattage of that is huge and it requires massive energy all the time. I feel like I have to carry all the joy, fun and excitement of the relationship and he has been delegated all the strength, depth and wisdom. These are clearly projections but I just cannot find a way around it. He is not very affectionate in words or little moments and he never really apologizes or expresses gratitude, whereas I do that as a matter of course. When we speak about it, he acknowledges this and talks openly and movingly about why he is the way he is, regarding childhood etc, which helps. His depression and general low mood permeates the house often which I either try to solve when I'm feeling kind and brave, or instead absorb and resent. At his core, I love him hugely and we are in many ways well-matched. But in our moment to moment behavior and atmosphere it can often feel tense for me.

[BloodontheTracks]

hello, roland. thanks for joining in! perhaps we should make a pact, if one jumps the other has to too! i wish you all luck with it.

[IrianofWay]

I really wouldn't have a baby with him.

DH and I have had a long relationship from an early age. We were always best friends, very close, very loving, made each other laugh more than anyone else etc. It was good. I got pregnant 18 years ago unexpectedly quickly and then FIL died. H didn't cope well with his father's death (major understatement - I was almost a single parent for a year or so) - it took him a long time to get over it. It also brought latent issues from his childhood relation to his father and their relationship. The stresses on our relationship were very great. I developed depression over the next few years and I still suffer.

Children have been the most wonderful thing to happen to me (and to DH as well I beleive) but the worst thing to happen to our marriage. DH had an affair 2 years ago (dday was 2 years yesterday) and only now, after 4 or 6 years or vague unhappiness, and 2 years of painful hard reconcilition,are we getting back to anything like what we had before. And that was from the basis of a good, close, loving relationship.

[rosepetalsoup]

That's very interesting. You sound a little like me (in that my friends would say the same things about me), and I have never been out with a man exactly like you describe though I have met them. He seems a little low energy - like someone who would be into avant garde electronic music but refuse to dance at a cheesy wedding disco. A bit po-faced, perhaps.

My ex-boyfriend was quiet and introverted but also deeply loyal and serious, and quite morally righteous even. I wasn't happy but felt, at the time, so guilty about letting him go, and also I knew he would have been reliable and a good dad. I knew, if we split up, he'd never just go and get pissed and chat with mates or ring up an old flame, but rather would lose himself in solitary pursuits and become yet more distant. He was almost quite childlike and naive, but serious, iyswim. When I met my current partner one thing that was a massive relief was being able to giggle but also having him understand my flirty, imaginative side, and also understand the ways in which I am a normal woman. The guilt of dumping my old serious boyfriend lasted a long time, though it was the right thing to do. Much more guilt than dumping someone more like me would have brought!

You really do need someone sparkier, I think. It's sad as it sounds like you're waiting outside his shell 'come and play with me!' but he's not coming out.

[heyho1985]

Still following this thread with great interest! You sound like an over-thinker BloodontheTracks, much like myself. I think that is our downfall.

My cousin (20) has just had a baby and has only been with her partner for a year. Whereas me being with my OH for over 8 years and I still can't make a decision. I find myself wishing to be more like her, just throw caution to the wind and worry about what happens later. But if it's not in your nature to be that way then I don't suppose you can force it.

[BloodontheTracks]

Okay. Thanks for the advice.
Irian, I'm sorry to hear about your tough time and your husband's affair.
It sounds like a long journey and a nightmare for you. I don't know if I could go through worse than what we've been through already.

Though he's very good at caring for others, children and animals etc. He is also good with trauma (well as much as you can be), mine or his, due to his job, so I don't worry about crisis so much as the every day.

[BloodontheTracks]

god, rose, that's it EXACTLY.
shit.
He would never dance.


yup, heyho, you got me. Total over-thinker. commits to stepping away from keyboard indulgence and DO something

[CrimeaRiver]

Hi OP,

So much of what you say is familiar to me. I was never in the same situation in terms of choosing between my bf or a potential A N Other, but I definitely was and still am a practical thinker who found herself aged 32 single and knowing I wanted to have a family. It was hard.

The most valuable advice I have been given when it comes to relationships is to be realistic about my expectations of any single person and what a marriage can bring to you. No one person can or should be everything to you.

You are 33, and wanting children. You are not able to meet single men in your day to day life easily. You may well split up with your bf and just happen to meet someone in 6 months' time who ticks all your boxes and settle down together and go on to have babies. You may be facing years and years of Internet dating and blind dates, still wanting a child aged 39.

Thing is, you don't know. I am going to buck the trend on this thread and say you should adjust your expectations of your relationship and yes, "settle" for your bf. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the alternatives suggested - give it a go elsewhere, go it alone - but all of these will require a considerable mental adjustment for you AND no guarantee that you will actually end up with what you really seem to want. I would prefer to make that mental adjustment in the context of what I have, work better with what is in my life already. People - including ourselves - are surprising. The regret of childlessness can be incredibly brutal.

FWIW, I did go on to meet someone, very randomly, under 6 months later. We married and have one DC and are massively happy together. But not a day passes that I don't count my lucky stars: the fluke involved in meeting him is ridiculous, you wouldn't believe it if I told you. And that is how precarious life can be. Don't load the odds against yourself. My single friends 10 years down the line from you would all tell you that, unreservedly.

[roland83]

Ha, yes we should have our own little group to ponder our endless thoughts.

I'm also a thinker, I can't stop I have to mull things over in my head and try and work out a best case scenario, a plan.. a bar chart or pie chart showing my future would be ideal really.

I'm also very independent and I don't "need" my boyfriend, although financially it's obviously a lot better. He's also got a habit of being a complete dick in arguments, which doesn't help me decide either.

I've subconsciously decided to try and stop thinking about it and get on with my life. If I come across someone else then so be it, if I don't then I guess that's my answer.

I don't think I'm willing to risk it all, if I'm honest with myself.

[TheHoneyBadger]

also an overthinker and probably quite lucky that i 'fell' (love that expression) pregnant at 30 or i'd still be thinking about it now. i knew i didn't want to be with the father but i knew i wanted to keep the baby, just like that.

ds is now my longest relationship ever at 7 years plus the pregnancy

i'm sort of starting something now with someone really lovely which 'may' go somewhere but is not uncomplicated due to children and such but it has literally been so, so, so, so, so, so rare that i've met an attractive or interesting single man in my 30's and i don't think i'm alone in noticing that. the good ones are with someone and have been for years, then there's the bitter ones who were with someone and it went wrong very badly or teh ones who never have and never will settle down who are fab but it's never going to work. oh and the super weird ones who never moved out of home or have been propping up the same bar since they were 17.

i'm glad i didn't have to actively make the decision though now at 38 i'm having the second wind of my biological clock probably as i enter the death throws of my fertility and it's still confusing as hell! and i must resist the temptation to put myself in the position of 'falling' pregnant again.