Breeding or Leaving

[BloodontheTracks]

I'm 33 years old and have been in my relationship for eight years. After that amount of time we've both become a bit bored, we admit it. There have also been infidelities on both sides that we've worked through but they've left their scars, especially around trust. I love him hugely, I want only good for him. He loves me and we respect each other. However, along with the trust stuff, which we've worked very hard to get over, there are other issues. He's depressive and low energy, though he acknowledges this and does his best. But I look for positivity and fun more from friends and family than from him. We don't share the same sense of humour and we're not having as much sex as I'd like. Though he is amazing in a crisis, kind and hugely solid and wise, he's a heavy presence sometimes. I find myself thinking a lot about other relationships, just in theory, not with anyone real, just imaginary.

This worries me as I want to have a baby. He does too but we both feel trepidatious about it, for all the normal reasons I think, plus a little bit of doubt about the 'rest of life' partner aspect.

in short I'm considering us trying for a baby but I always thought that would happen from a place of absolute relationship bliss and strength. Whilst we're not angry or chaotic, it's a bit tired, like some relationships get ten years in and I do feel a bit like I'm settling and there is something a little damaged, a little sad, after an affair I had and his retaliatory infidelities a few years ago.

I know no one can advise this really but I find myself swinging almost hourly between desperately wanting to become a parent with him and fantasizing about leaving and trying to find someone a bit more upbeat, supportive of me, who makes me laugh. I know this sounds immature but it's one of those moments that feels like a potential life mistake, a major fork in the road. We've worked on a lot of stuff so I feel we know the essence of each other. The idea of losing him makes me feel distraught, but the thought of being with him for another twenty years makes me feel depressed.
Has anyone been in a similar position or have any insight into the best ways to stop over-thinking and just act?

[BloodontheTracks]

Thanks, Mini. No, I love pragmatic! He'd be a great father, though he's getting on a bit (ten years older than me). Its more the relationship between us I worry about, not his with a child. But I understand that's just as important, in its way.

[rosepetalsoup]

BranchingOut is very sage.

OP- I have experience that could help. In my very early 30s I was in the same situation as you more or less. I was beginning to want a baby but also was not sure about my current long-term bf, who was perfectly nice and we had previously been in love, but I had started to wonder about other relationships... Eventually I met someone I couldn't resist and left for him, having a baby quite quickly. We're together and married. Having a baby has been wonderful, but the speed with which I did things has meant our relationship does not have that stability that a boring ltr has -- that thing where your family all know them really well etc., and you know what each other's expectations and sensitivities are. Hopefully it will get it but we've had to learn an awful lot about each other quickly, and while looking after a baby. He was a completely new person, i.e. not from my existing extended friends, and so we are quite different (despite feeling intensely similar in the honeymoon phase!!)

I would hate my DH to read this but I think if I could totally backtrack I would have considered a third option: Realising I wasn't as old as I thought and that even a year can be a long time. I would have had the courage to break up with my old bf and then been single for a bit, deliberately trying out men who I already had something in common with, i.e. old back-burner flames, dear old friends who might have been something else, single sparky colleagues with the same background etc.

I think that'd be the way. Then you inherit the ease that comes with shared history, while the thing itself can be quite new. IYSWIM.

[rosepetalsoup]

In summary. Leave, have a holiday, try out dating some men you already know as friends / have the courage to look up the one that got away! If it looks like a goer have a baby with them pronto, stay together forever etc.

[BloodontheTracks]

That's so kind of you to share that difficult stuff with me, rose. Thank you. I can really see how meeting someone else gives you a sort of 'push' out of a situation you wouldn't have the courage to leave otherwise, but perhaps it doesn't necessarily mean the one who was the crow bar is the perfect life partner, if you see what I mean!

This has been so hugely helpful. Whichever path I go down, i might need support from back here, so I appreciate the thoughtful responses.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

You both want a baby, but reading this, best not with each other. Isn't it better to part on good terms still respecting him but from now on unburdened?

[rosepetalsoup]

Exactly - I think all relationships take work and a completely new one will take work on top of the already hard work of a little baby. Me and my DH will make it and we do have a romantic story, but it will be no less hard won than anyone else's relationship.

I think if you have people you think about from the past, or people you nearly went out with, or always liked the look of who are now single, then follow your intuition and try to end up with one of them. Then you will truly be able to relax and have a baby in love.

Also I strongly agree with the poster who said watch out for 'leave him!' advice from the recently split and 'find true love!' advice from the recently paired. Reality is it's hard work. Find someone happy, that you really fancy, with good existing family relationships and a sense of humour to do it with. I implore you!

[rosepetalsoup]

PS. And, at your age, opt for someone inexperienced and young rather than someone with kids already!

And that's your homework for the weekend!!

[BloodontheTracks]

Ha, that's ideal! Though I only went out with a couple of people before and wouldn't want to be with either of them. I can't think of a single man I've met in my age group for a long, long time. A few older divorced with kids but that's all. Still, if everyone's like me and too cowardly to leave, then no one's going to be single are they!

Thanks for the pep talk.

[BranchingOut]

Thanks for the compliment, rose. :)
Still learning everyday here...

I have posted threads on here at various times, so it might be that DH and I will eventually part company - but I am very aware of the value of a long term relationship.

I really do suggest getting fertility testing, as only then do you know your timescales etc.

Oh, and the love of a good woman is a wonderful thing - I really value my female relationships these days.

[HayDayQueen]

If you met him today, knowing his personality, but without your history, would you choose to be with him?

Would you choose, right now, to be with someone who you can't share your sense of humour with? Who you can't have a laugh with?

I doubt it.

[BloodontheTracks]

Does that stuff work in your experience, Branching? Online there seem to be mixed reviews of home fertility testing.

Hayday, it's a very good question. I think I would be attracted to him, but I think I would be wise enough to see that the dark, macho, quiet thing was a bit of a pain more than an enticing mystery. Back when we got together I thought he was the strong, silent type and I loved that. I guess everything has it downside.

[ladyblablah]

Elastoplast babies rarely work out as hoped.

[Itsfab]

This isn't about how you should have had a baby earlier but it should be about not having one with this man who isn't right for you and you are in a relationship that isn't strong enough for all that a baby brings.

[BloodontheTracks]

Sure. I am very aware I fit the cliche of a 'band aid' baby or however it's described. It wasn't what I fantasized for myself. But neither was being childless or going through another few relationships with time pressure and few available single straight men and settling with one much less appealing out of pure desperation either. I would definitely consider having a kid alone, but I know how hard that can be.

Sorry for the practical focus here. I'm not relegating my DP to a donor, he's a lovely man who's difficult sometimes, as we all are. I'm just saying it's not quite as black and white as 'you should do it with someone you're perfectly happy with ' either. I don't know a single couple I would exchange my relationship for (maybe one, but even they have come through an affair so it's not been smooth sailing), everyone has their stuff. I'm just going through a process of trying to test if I'm being petulant, unrealistic and fussy, or cowardly and in massive self-denial.

[ribbityribbit]

A few years ago I ended a long term relationship aged 28. I definitely had in mind that I might not meet anyone with whom I wanted to have a child and I thought for ages about whether it was better to stick with it or take the chance. I felt pretty close to what you describe in your OP and it only got worse as time went on. What feels heavy now really might end up feeling suffocating - it did for me. It is tiring spending all your emotional energy on someone else when things aren't right but it is also really hard to split from a person who is basically nice and "good on paper".

I decided that if it came to it, I would rather be a single parent, or co-parent with someone without being in a relationship (I had talked about it with a couple of male friends) than carry the weight of that relationship. In the end I met my DH about 6 months afterwards - fast forward just under three years and we have a 6 week old DS and are very, very happy (married after 16 months, pregnant 8 months after that).

I think it would have been exhausting to have had a child with my ex. The minute I moved out, I felt a huge weight lifted off me and people commented that my smiles looked more "real" (which was weird!) and that I was noticeably happier. I'm lucky with how things worked out but even if I hadn't met DH I think I would be better off than if I had stayed. FWIW, I went to therapy during the end of my relationship and the immediate aftermath. It helped a lot and I would recommend it. Otherwise it is too easy just to think and think without actually getting anywhere.

[BloodontheTracks]

Ribbity, that's hugely inspiring, thank you. I have had a few people tell me over the last couple of years that I seem 'sad', like I'm carrying a secret or a weight. Even when I haven't thought I was doing so. I am. very, very tired. I just want to not worry about it anymore. And like you said, it's getting worse.

But yes, I don't know what reason I could give, or even how to cope with it. So much of my adult identity is tied up with this kind and thoughtful man. We've come through so much. I feel like I'm just stepping off a cliff into nothing, for what? Some vague feeling or…moreness? And that, at his age he'll meet someone younger, faster, and I'll be renting somewhere horrid (we bought our flat before things went crazy with house prices in london) and missing him with howls.

But thank you again. That's very powerful reading.

[Itsfab]

Having a baby is huge. Do not go into motherhood without a strong relationship with the father. It is NOT fair on the baby. And whoever you have a baby with you will be tied to them forever.

[rosepetalsoup]

Just another thought - it could be that the sad feeling is actually not dissatisfaction with your DP but actually a sad longing to have a child. I do think that by 30 a lot of my sadness was bound up with wanting a child, and wanting to move forward but stuck in a relationship that while serious did not move forward. It does put you off sex with your partner etc. It could be that your DP is also sad for the same reasons, just to give him the benefit of the doubt for a moment. It could be that you are both in a melancholy state because you haven't made a family. Sounds like hippy guff but I do think this can happen.

[rosepetalsoup]

p.s. And a big part of the sexiness of the new relationship I got into with my now DP was about the potential to make a child - we both said so to each other at the time.

It's much easier to recognise if you actually move relationship and make the old relationship about being 'stuck' and the new relationship about exciting, fertile potential --- but I'm sure a very conscious and thoughtful person could actually rev a stuck relationship out of the mud and into a new, exciting phase by deciding to change mindset together.

I think OP that you should have a really honest chat with your DP. Tell him all your thoughts, about what you want to do, about the kind of relationship you now long for. Tell him you're older now than when you met and things have changed. Ask him if he can be the man for you in these new terms, and how he feels. He'll either step up and be excited to do so, or you'll get the feeling he doesn't really know what you're talking about and you can feel confident leaving.

When I think about the ex I left I couldn't really imagine him in a married, dad role -- but now I'm married to someone else who is a father of my child I can see how he could have converted into that, and probably will in the future, and would have been pretty good at it too.

[Annarose2014]

I think you two should have another round of counselling. Cos I agree its difficult to see how much of your sadness is yearning for a fantasy family, which could be quite heavy and debilitating, especially if you are constantly thinking about it on a loop in your head.

I would also agree that you may have more time than you think. I am currently 39 and got pregnant in the first month of trying. Its not a popular thing to report - current thought is "Woe betide the woman who isn't breeding by 35!" but that simply doesn't mean its difficult for everyone. I suspect we only hear about the scary IVF stories, cos people like me just don't need to talk about fertility - we never had any story to tell!

My DH is mid-forties and I don't consider him particularly old to be having a baby, but then my Dad was approaching 50 when I was born and is still rattling around so I may have a looser perspective on paternal age than others.


So I think you could consciously shelve the baby idea for the short term and do some good non-baby related relationship work. It might clarify things without the broodiness muddying the waters.

[BloodontheTracks]

This is great advice. What I don't want to do is to wrong-foot him, go all in for a baby and then change my mind when I realize for sure I don't want to be with him. I don't want to do that to a child or to him, so I;m conscious of doing as much work on my own as possible before pushing it. but perhaps that's unrealistic.

Thanks for your thoughtfulness.

[HappydaysArehere]

Oh! Dear. I have heard this before, including my best friends daughter who thought another child would improve things. Sour sweets is right. Parenthood is a difficult delight at the best of things. You have enough hurdles to improve your life without the worry of your innocent children. Keep this between the two adults until it gets sorted.

[TheHoneyBadger]

probably against the grain here but you have a solid, reliable relationship and what sounds like a good friendship. if you split up in the future you would surely find ways to still both be good parents and support one another.

i'm a single parent and have been from the start so probably see things a bit differently than most will.

33 is not old but no spring chicken in fertility terms to be gambling on ifs and maybes of someone else etc. i shall get told off for that probably but if you really want to have a child you need to think pragmatically and lose the romantic comedy lens and think more outside the box. if you and your partner split up would you both still love the child and work together to give them all they need? would you make good co parents regardless of whether together or apart? these the kind of questions i think it's important to ask and often don't get asked when people are in the together forever bubble. then kids get mangled later.

[TheHoneyBadger]

remember 50% of all marriages fail. yes yours could be one of them or might not. the fact it isn't a disney fairytale one doesn't make it anymore likely to be in the fail camp imo and what does 'fail' mean anyway? that you didnt stick it out till death? plenty of the supposedly 'successful' ones will have lived quiet lives of misery.