Do threesomes ruin relationships?

[zygotic]

Hi girls,

I have a genuine question regarding one of my best friends who has recently told me that she and her boyfriend are open to the idea of a threesome as they're now in an 'open relationship'.

Before I go further into details, let me give some context to their relationship. They've been together 6 years, they're both 28 and they're pretty much only been with each other. They're each other's firsts, although she did have a thing with some guy for a few months when she was 22.

So, I remember once a couple of years back - when they were 4 years into their relationship - her telling me that her boyfriend didn't believe in monogamous relationships. Fair enough, I thought, let's move on from this conversation. Yet a few weeks ago she told me that she now believes this, too, and they've signed up for some new app which allows you to meet people for threesomes.

Now I'm genuinely worried for my friend. I care about her a lot and I don't want her to get hurt, yet I think she will if she goes through with this. She said that she would rather it be like this as opposed to him doing anything behind her back, that way at least they're honest with each other. But I don't think that's a good enough reason. It just feels like she wants to please him, worried she'll lose him if she doesn't.

Now I don't want to paint her boyfriend as a horrible person. Personally I think that, because my friend is the only girl that he has been with, he wants to experience other girls yet doesn't want to lose her. They do love each other. Yet I'm worried that if they do go ahead with this it will only end with them both hurting each other. Once you introduce someone else into the relationship, it can only complicate things and that's when people get hurt.

Am I wrong? Am I right to be worried? What do I do?

I don't want my friend to get hurt and ruin her relationship by doing this!

[Viviennemary]

If you don't approve let them get on with it. They are adults.

[zygotic]

I asked her how she thought she would react seeing him having sex with another girl and she said that she simply didn't know.*

Sorry. Still a bit hungover from last night.

[zygotic]

I'm fully aware that they're adults.

[EBearhug]

You could ask her if she's read books like the Ethical Slut (very American, but has some good points) or Opening Up, as that will at least cover the possible ramifications if she hasn't really thought it through. Even then, you can't make her read it.

I think you're right that if she's doing it just to keep him, she's making a bit mistake - quite different if she's actually keen on it.

[CavaSupernova]

Hi, this sounds like a recipe for disaster; the emotional fallout could be horrible.
This man sounds coercive and controlling
Can you persuade your friend to do some research on threesomes - maybe with her bloke there as well - to look at the implications and the issues involved?
This article might help
www.allsexguide.com/threesome.html

Is this man aware that it isn't all about him, that he won't just be lying there with two foxy chicks getting it on for his pleasure, then getting to work on him for his pleasure?
Is he aware that he will have to put in a hell of a lot of effort pleasuring two women without making either feel left out?
Is he aware that it all might get too much for him and he will lose his erection?

What's happening in this guy's wank fantasy is COMPLETELY different to what could happen in real life
If your friend could persuade him to educate himself on what his fantasy is like IN REAL LIFE, that might be enough to make him think again

If it was me, I would at least be negotiating a hot MMF for myself and seeing what he had to say about that :o

Good luck to your friend - it's horrible feeling pressured to do anything. Been there, done that. It's grim :(

[Meerka]

kind of agree, seeing how he responds to a MMF will be a litmus test

[kaykayblue]

I think you should tell her your misgivings and be open with her, but not judgemental. You should try and support her through this, and present here with alternative perspectives.

It really does sound like her boyfriend is just an A hole who wants to screw around without losing the "comfort" of having a stable girlfriend.

If she is up for it, then support her. But if she is having doubts then you need to tell her that that's okay. Her boyfriend should not be putting her in an awkward situation. She might also want to suggest that the first threesome is with another man. If he balks at that, then he can go fuck himself with a spade.

[CavaSupernova]

OP, might it be worth printing out this thread and showing it to your friend?
I only say that because I had a friend in abusive relationship, but she wasn't acknowledging to herself how dangerous it was (the guy had tried to run her over, so this was serious)
Myself and another mate printed out the 'definitions' of an abusive relationship from the Women's Aid website and gave it to our friend
It gave her something to read and digest in her own time and helped her come to a decision
Luckily for my friend she decided to leave the guy; I'm not saying your friend will react in the same way - she might just chuck a printout in the bin! - but there are a lot of people on here with very sensible things to say so it might help enlighten her as to what she could be letting herself into if she goes ahead
Just a thought x

[getthefeckouttahere]

i'm with the poster who said that you were definitely being prospected as the potential third person!

[zygotic]

Ummm, I don't think I'll be printing out this thread and showing it to my friend!

Other than expressing the opinion that she's making a mistake by doing this within the context of a relationship because I fear she'll only get hurt and damage her relationship, I realise I can't do much than be there for her if it does go wrong.

I just think it's sad. I'm of the opinion that if they want to sleep with other people, fine, go for it, but in the context of a relationship? They're only going to end up hurting each other.

When I went for a drink with her a couple of weeks back she did reveal something very interesting. In regard to their sex life, she said 'I don't want him to feel stifled'. She quickly retracted that by saying that she didn't know why she said that, but she said it for a reason. I am off the opinion that she is doing this to please him, worried that he'll simply go off and do it anyway. She said herself that she would rather it be like this than behind her back.

It's very sad, I think.

[SolidGoldBrass]

It's not that sad. I mean, no one's dead. It sounds like your friend's relationship might be fizzing out, which is fine, because she's young and hasn't had any other partners. She might come out of it having learned that she is a truly monogamous individual, or she might decide that, actually, open relationships suit her as long as her primary partner treats her well. Either way, she'll have learned something.