Do threesomes ruin relationships?

[zygotic]

Hi girls,

I have a genuine question regarding one of my best friends who has recently told me that she and her boyfriend are open to the idea of a threesome as they're now in an 'open relationship'.

Before I go further into details, let me give some context to their relationship. They've been together 6 years, they're both 28 and they're pretty much only been with each other. They're each other's firsts, although she did have a thing with some guy for a few months when she was 22.

So, I remember once a couple of years back - when they were 4 years into their relationship - her telling me that her boyfriend didn't believe in monogamous relationships. Fair enough, I thought, let's move on from this conversation. Yet a few weeks ago she told me that she now believes this, too, and they've signed up for some new app which allows you to meet people for threesomes.

Now I'm genuinely worried for my friend. I care about her a lot and I don't want her to get hurt, yet I think she will if she goes through with this. She said that she would rather it be like this as opposed to him doing anything behind her back, that way at least they're honest with each other. But I don't think that's a good enough reason. It just feels like she wants to please him, worried she'll lose him if she doesn't.

Now I don't want to paint her boyfriend as a horrible person. Personally I think that, because my friend is the only girl that he has been with, he wants to experience other girls yet doesn't want to lose her. They do love each other. Yet I'm worried that if they do go ahead with this it will only end with them both hurting each other. Once you introduce someone else into the relationship, it can only complicate things and that's when people get hurt.

Am I wrong? Am I right to be worried? What do I do?

I don't want my friend to get hurt and ruin her relationship by doing this!

[thedancingbear]

I personally believe that sex is only ok between members of opposite sexes

This is a hateful and bigoted thing to say. Can you offer any justification for it, or is it just blind prejudice?

[GrumpyOldNag]

Don't like gay marriage, don't have one. Two people who happen to have the same types of genital sets getting married does not worsen your own marriage, in fact it has little to no impact on any aspect of your life at all, depending on your social circle. Although I can't see many homosexual people enjoying the pleasure of your company, Conservative.

[thedancingbear]

Also, I don't see how Conservative's post is more than very tangentially related to the OP's question. Did she just get out of bed this morning, decide to go on the Internet and randomly have a go at the gays?

[meditrina]

I don't think "girls" are likely to have an adequate level of maturity to comment on this.

From an adult's POV, I'd say that there is nothing whatsoever wrong with open relationships, provided that the participants want to be in one (always, or 'try it and see') but that it needs careful discussion of ground rules.

If however one person, who would prefer to be in a monogamous relationship, is pressured or coerced into the it it utterly and totally wrong, and likey to be the beginning of the end of the main relationship. OP, If you think you friend is being unduly influenced, then you can try to point this out (just as you might any other choice she is making in her life that you think it being made for the wrong reasons). But you cannot live her life for her, or impose your views on monogamy on her either. If you are concerned it will all end in tears, then staying friends will help you support her if it comes to that.

[meditrina]

"Quite a lot of people have threesomes which involve an extra man."

To quote PJ O'Rourke, "a simple orifice count" shows that is a sensible way.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Actually OP, I wonder if your friend is in fact happy with the idea of a threesome and you are projecting your own monogamy fetish onto her. You say that she told you a while ago that she and her boyfriend were having an open relationship and you clutched your pearls.
Because monogamy is still sold so forcibly to people as the Only Way, a lot of people don't realise that they are not, in fact, interested in monogamous relationships till they have had a few relationships or at least a few life experiences.
Don't try to put your friend off. It's up to her. But if it does go wrong and/or she and her boyfriend separate, comfort her without banging on about how relationships 'should' be.

[Golferman]

We have been together for 41 years and have an open marriage and are swingers. We have had many a threesome both involving an extra man or woman. Interestingly was my wife's original idea to get into it years ago and it certainly works for us. IME the couple have to be secure as Weiss seen several instances, especially at swinging parties where one half of a couple has become jealous of their partner when having sex with someone else.

[Meerka]

I understand that granny, sorry, should have been clearer. was kind of making the point that not everything is one woman, one man. I assume that conservative doesn't like sex outside of marriage too and probably not before or after marriage, though I'm assuming there.

thank God, and I use that phrase deliberately, that humans are more complex and don't all fit the same mold. The view that anything but one-man/one-woman sex (presumably in the context of marriage) leads to misery is just plain benighted imo. It works for many, maybe most. But not all.

Thank God we're not made so straightjacketed into one form.

[RandallFloyd]

Welcome to MN, Conservative (and OP too of course)

Conservative, it appears you joined up approximately 10 minutes ago and have used that time to make 5 posts all denouncing sex outside of heterosexual marriage and declaring it to be wrong.

I don't like to judge but that seems an awfully odd reason to join a parenting forum.

[GrannyOnTheSchoolRun]

I think she is being a right little tinker if she did that.

[GrannyOnTheSchoolRun]

Meerka, understood

[Waltermittythesequel]

I am totally against gay marriage

Best not marry A Gay so! :)

[Lweji]

[Lweji]

I can understand your worry about her (and his) motivations, but people can also fall in love with other people while in monogamous relationships, and can hurt each other in the same way.

Let her live her life and support her in her choices, or when she needs your help.

[MrRedAndBlue]

plenty of relationships are ruined without threesomes

i'm not involved in that 'scene' but my guess is that if everyone concerned is okay with it, then it's fine

but if a relationship is not strong, getting married won't make it stronger, having kids together won't make it stronger, and having a threesome or open relationship won't make it stronger either

[magoria]

Threesomes/open relationships are great if that is what both parties are happy with and the ground rules are established.

This seems like a open relationship so he can experience other women. What about her?

It doesn't sound like she is willing and eager for this more that she is doing this so he doesn't cheat or she doesn't lose him.

I think she is going to end up very hurt.

[independentfriend]

[Certainly not a girl!]

Threesomes won't ruin a relationship; what might would be entering into one without having discussed it fully in advance or not having the communication skills to deal with any issues arising from it. If they've been together for a while, are good at communicating things then it'll either be something they try and decide they don't like or try and decide they like enough to keep doing it or try and then decide to try other forms of ethical non-monogamy.

As for your friend, continuing being her friend. If things go wrong for her (whether relationship based or otherwise) and she needs/wants a friend you continuing to be her friend is a good thing. She gets to make decisions about her own sex life - that's not any of your concern though, but you could be there to help her out if things go wrong.

[ThePinkOcelot]

I think conservative is more than entitled to her opinion and just because it isn't the consensus of opinion doesn't make it wrong!!

OP, I think it's up to your friend and her DP. You may have to be there, of course to be the shoulder to cry on should it go tits up.

[joanofarchitrave]

I have to say that if a friend of mine suddenly started talking about how her and her boyfriend were going to have a threesome, I would assume that i was very delicately being 'sounded out' about my feelings on being the third party.

[disclaimer - this has never happened to my 45-year-old baggy mumsy self....]

[BolshierAyraStark]

I agree that we are each entitled to an opinion.

As for the OP, threesomes are something that few of us would deal with well. I imagine they are fun at the time but raise quite a few issues within a relationship. It isn't something I'd agree to with either sex-I do not wish to share DH, it's that simple. The situation you describe sounds very one sided though there is little you can do other than voice concerns & be there when it goes pete tong.

[BuzzardBird]

Oh ok, report time...

[Aleethia]

I would strongly advise against it unless your friend is absolutely confident it's what she wants. Threesomes can be great, but only in the right context. A boyfriend once convinced me into having one. At first I was interested but had reservations as I worried our relationship wasn't strong enough and I felt I needed that confidence before we could even consider a threesome. In the end, he talked about it and insisted on it so much (and about how irrelevant my reservations were), I ended up feeling as though if I didn't do it, I'd lose him. We tried to have mature conversations about how and who but when it happened, none of that mattered. It was torture. Everything I did was to please him and I feigned interest to reinforce that. I had to secretly sneak to the bathroom to cry a few times, but thought I was being pathetic so each time toughened up enough to carry on. The end result was that he began an affair with the person we'd had the threesome with. Of course he lied about what was going on (although later admitted it) but the cruellest thing was that I was left with images of them together imprinted on my mind. I would never say never again, but I'd advise your friend to trust her instincts and only go ahead if she has full confidence in the relationship.

[EBearhug]

It can be great, but they really need to have discussed the ground rules first. Will the third person be male or female? What if they don't fancy the same person? Where will it happen, in their house, a hotel or elsewhere? Can they go back with someone they've been with before? What if either of them starts developing feelings for the third person?

They should have talked about how to deal with all this and more before they go into it. Maybe they have.

[zygotic]

Thanks for everyone's replies. Well, almost everyone's..

I'm fully aware of the fact that there's very little I can do. I can't physically restrain them from doing it, and I wouldn't to. It's their lives. It's just that she's arguably my best friend and I don't want her to get hurt to get hurt and I don't want her to throw away her relationship.

I mean, look, I have nothing against threesomes. I've had one myself, but the difference was that all parties involved were single. We ran no risk of hurting each other because there was no emotional attachment between us to begin with. But it's different with my friend and her boyfriend. It's too much to risk.

When we went out for a drink I told her my feeling - that she was making a mistake and she was likely to get hurt - and that I would be there for her. I realise there's little else I can do. I just think it's a great shame that she's contemplating this. I get the impression that she's doing this because she's worried that if she doesn't she'll lose him, and I asked her how she thought she would react seeing him having sex with another girl and she said that she simply know. That's too much of a risk, I think, not knowing how you would react. I worry this is going to end very horribly for my friend :(