Do threesomes ruin relationships?

[zygotic]

Hi girls,

I have a genuine question regarding one of my best friends who has recently told me that she and her boyfriend are open to the idea of a threesome as they're now in an 'open relationship'.

Before I go further into details, let me give some context to their relationship. They've been together 6 years, they're both 28 and they're pretty much only been with each other. They're each other's firsts, although she did have a thing with some guy for a few months when she was 22.

So, I remember once a couple of years back - when they were 4 years into their relationship - her telling me that her boyfriend didn't believe in monogamous relationships. Fair enough, I thought, let's move on from this conversation. Yet a few weeks ago she told me that she now believes this, too, and they've signed up for some new app which allows you to meet people for threesomes.

Now I'm genuinely worried for my friend. I care about her a lot and I don't want her to get hurt, yet I think she will if she goes through with this. She said that she would rather it be like this as opposed to him doing anything behind her back, that way at least they're honest with each other. But I don't think that's a good enough reason. It just feels like she wants to please him, worried she'll lose him if she doesn't.

Now I don't want to paint her boyfriend as a horrible person. Personally I think that, because my friend is the only girl that he has been with, he wants to experience other girls yet doesn't want to lose her. They do love each other. Yet I'm worried that if they do go ahead with this it will only end with them both hurting each other. Once you introduce someone else into the relationship, it can only complicate things and that's when people get hurt.

Am I wrong? Am I right to be worried? What do I do?

I don't want my friend to get hurt and ruin her relationship by doing this!

[SolidGoldBrass]

It's not that sad. I mean, no one's dead. It sounds like your friend's relationship might be fizzing out, which is fine, because she's young and hasn't had any other partners. She might come out of it having learned that she is a truly monogamous individual, or she might decide that, actually, open relationships suit her as long as her primary partner treats her well. Either way, she'll have learned something.

[zygotic]

Ummm, I don't think I'll be printing out this thread and showing it to my friend!

Other than expressing the opinion that she's making a mistake by doing this within the context of a relationship because I fear she'll only get hurt and damage her relationship, I realise I can't do much than be there for her if it does go wrong.

I just think it's sad. I'm of the opinion that if they want to sleep with other people, fine, go for it, but in the context of a relationship? They're only going to end up hurting each other.

When I went for a drink with her a couple of weeks back she did reveal something very interesting. In regard to their sex life, she said 'I don't want him to feel stifled'. She quickly retracted that by saying that she didn't know why she said that, but she said it for a reason. I am off the opinion that she is doing this to please him, worried that he'll simply go off and do it anyway. She said herself that she would rather it be like this than behind her back.

It's very sad, I think.

[getthefeckouttahere]

i'm with the poster who said that you were definitely being prospected as the potential third person!

[CavaSupernova]

OP, might it be worth printing out this thread and showing it to your friend?
I only say that because I had a friend in abusive relationship, but she wasn't acknowledging to herself how dangerous it was (the guy had tried to run her over, so this was serious)
Myself and another mate printed out the 'definitions' of an abusive relationship from the Women's Aid website and gave it to our friend
It gave her something to read and digest in her own time and helped her come to a decision
Luckily for my friend she decided to leave the guy; I'm not saying your friend will react in the same way - she might just chuck a printout in the bin! - but there are a lot of people on here with very sensible things to say so it might help enlighten her as to what she could be letting herself into if she goes ahead
Just a thought x

[kaykayblue]

I think you should tell her your misgivings and be open with her, but not judgemental. You should try and support her through this, and present here with alternative perspectives.

It really does sound like her boyfriend is just an A hole who wants to screw around without losing the "comfort" of having a stable girlfriend.

If she is up for it, then support her. But if she is having doubts then you need to tell her that that's okay. Her boyfriend should not be putting her in an awkward situation. She might also want to suggest that the first threesome is with another man. If he balks at that, then he can go fuck himself with a spade.

[Meerka]

kind of agree, seeing how he responds to a MMF will be a litmus test

[CavaSupernova]

Hi, this sounds like a recipe for disaster; the emotional fallout could be horrible.
This man sounds coercive and controlling
Can you persuade your friend to do some research on threesomes - maybe with her bloke there as well - to look at the implications and the issues involved?
This article might help
www.allsexguide.com/threesome.html

Is this man aware that it isn't all about him, that he won't just be lying there with two foxy chicks getting it on for his pleasure, then getting to work on him for his pleasure?
Is he aware that he will have to put in a hell of a lot of effort pleasuring two women without making either feel left out?
Is he aware that it all might get too much for him and he will lose his erection?

What's happening in this guy's wank fantasy is COMPLETELY different to what could happen in real life
If your friend could persuade him to educate himself on what his fantasy is like IN REAL LIFE, that might be enough to make him think again

If it was me, I would at least be negotiating a hot MMF for myself and seeing what he had to say about that :o

Good luck to your friend - it's horrible feeling pressured to do anything. Been there, done that. It's grim :(

[EBearhug]

You could ask her if she's read books like the Ethical Slut (very American, but has some good points) or Opening Up, as that will at least cover the possible ramifications if she hasn't really thought it through. Even then, you can't make her read it.

I think you're right that if she's doing it just to keep him, she's making a bit mistake - quite different if she's actually keen on it.

[zygotic]

I'm fully aware that they're adults.

[zygotic]

I asked her how she thought she would react seeing him having sex with another girl and she said that she simply didn't know.*

Sorry. Still a bit hungover from last night.

[Viviennemary]

If you don't approve let them get on with it. They are adults.

[zygotic]

Thanks for everyone's replies. Well, almost everyone's..

I'm fully aware of the fact that there's very little I can do. I can't physically restrain them from doing it, and I wouldn't to. It's their lives. It's just that she's arguably my best friend and I don't want her to get hurt to get hurt and I don't want her to throw away her relationship.

I mean, look, I have nothing against threesomes. I've had one myself, but the difference was that all parties involved were single. We ran no risk of hurting each other because there was no emotional attachment between us to begin with. But it's different with my friend and her boyfriend. It's too much to risk.

When we went out for a drink I told her my feeling - that she was making a mistake and she was likely to get hurt - and that I would be there for her. I realise there's little else I can do. I just think it's a great shame that she's contemplating this. I get the impression that she's doing this because she's worried that if she doesn't she'll lose him, and I asked her how she thought she would react seeing him having sex with another girl and she said that she simply know. That's too much of a risk, I think, not knowing how you would react. I worry this is going to end very horribly for my friend :(

[EBearhug]

It can be great, but they really need to have discussed the ground rules first. Will the third person be male or female? What if they don't fancy the same person? Where will it happen, in their house, a hotel or elsewhere? Can they go back with someone they've been with before? What if either of them starts developing feelings for the third person?

They should have talked about how to deal with all this and more before they go into it. Maybe they have.

[Aleethia]

I would strongly advise against it unless your friend is absolutely confident it's what she wants. Threesomes can be great, but only in the right context. A boyfriend once convinced me into having one. At first I was interested but had reservations as I worried our relationship wasn't strong enough and I felt I needed that confidence before we could even consider a threesome. In the end, he talked about it and insisted on it so much (and about how irrelevant my reservations were), I ended up feeling as though if I didn't do it, I'd lose him. We tried to have mature conversations about how and who but when it happened, none of that mattered. It was torture. Everything I did was to please him and I feigned interest to reinforce that. I had to secretly sneak to the bathroom to cry a few times, but thought I was being pathetic so each time toughened up enough to carry on. The end result was that he began an affair with the person we'd had the threesome with. Of course he lied about what was going on (although later admitted it) but the cruellest thing was that I was left with images of them together imprinted on my mind. I would never say never again, but I'd advise your friend to trust her instincts and only go ahead if she has full confidence in the relationship.

[BuzzardBird]

Oh ok, report time...

[BolshierAyraStark]

I agree that we are each entitled to an opinion.

As for the OP, threesomes are something that few of us would deal with well. I imagine they are fun at the time but raise quite a few issues within a relationship. It isn't something I'd agree to with either sex-I do not wish to share DH, it's that simple. The situation you describe sounds very one sided though there is little you can do other than voice concerns & be there when it goes pete tong.

[joanofarchitrave]

I have to say that if a friend of mine suddenly started talking about how her and her boyfriend were going to have a threesome, I would assume that i was very delicately being 'sounded out' about my feelings on being the third party.

[disclaimer - this has never happened to my 45-year-old baggy mumsy self....]

[ThePinkOcelot]

I think conservative is more than entitled to her opinion and just because it isn't the consensus of opinion doesn't make it wrong!!

OP, I think it's up to your friend and her DP. You may have to be there, of course to be the shoulder to cry on should it go tits up.

[independentfriend]

[Certainly not a girl!]

Threesomes won't ruin a relationship; what might would be entering into one without having discussed it fully in advance or not having the communication skills to deal with any issues arising from it. If they've been together for a while, are good at communicating things then it'll either be something they try and decide they don't like or try and decide they like enough to keep doing it or try and then decide to try other forms of ethical non-monogamy.

As for your friend, continuing being her friend. If things go wrong for her (whether relationship based or otherwise) and she needs/wants a friend you continuing to be her friend is a good thing. She gets to make decisions about her own sex life - that's not any of your concern though, but you could be there to help her out if things go wrong.

[magoria]

Threesomes/open relationships are great if that is what both parties are happy with and the ground rules are established.

This seems like a open relationship so he can experience other women. What about her?

It doesn't sound like she is willing and eager for this more that she is doing this so he doesn't cheat or she doesn't lose him.

I think she is going to end up very hurt.

[MrRedAndBlue]

plenty of relationships are ruined without threesomes

i'm not involved in that 'scene' but my guess is that if everyone concerned is okay with it, then it's fine

but if a relationship is not strong, getting married won't make it stronger, having kids together won't make it stronger, and having a threesome or open relationship won't make it stronger either

[Lweji]

I can understand your worry about her (and his) motivations, but people can also fall in love with other people while in monogamous relationships, and can hurt each other in the same way.

Let her live her life and support her in her choices, or when she needs your help.

[Lweji]