Do Your Parents/In-Laws Intend for You to Provide Elder Care??

[FixItUpChappie]

I don't mean accidentally because shit happens - I mean intentionally as in that is their retirement plan.

If so, are you okay with that? Is your spouse okay with it? Did you all discuss it in advance or was it just "surprise! we have no money!!"? How did you broach the topic? Do want them to contribute? What about physical care? Do you just send money or do you have them live with you?

More and more (for various reasons) I'm getting the impression that my in-laws spend above their means (think travel-lifestyle), live hand to mouth and have no retirement "plans" per se. They already do a lot of freeloading for lack of a better word. I see some behaviour that signals to me we are going to have an issue. That and they announced to my mother that they are so lucky to have children who will care for them in their old age . Well my DH would be the contender for that job and I know they haven't asked for his perspective (or mine).

Just curious to hear perspectives.

[4seasons]

Interesting that your mum" won't be moving in " with you but you felt that she could have had your grandmother to live with her Debs 75 .So easy to say what we think other people " should or could" do as long as it doesn't affect our ability to lead our own lives unencumbered .

My sister in law was quite happy for us to cancel our lives to look after my ILS , clean their home , do hospital visiting and stay for weeks at a time away from our own home but suddenly became the " emotional and devastated " daughter when they died . She then needed everyone to run around making sure she was ok ... no one , except me, gave a thought to my DH who had not only lost his parents but had worked his socks off to take care of them to his own detriment .

We all do what we can and we all give what we are prepared to give I suppose but it has left us feeling cynical about his sister .

Please don't criticise other people for things you are not prepared to do yourself .

[FreeSpirit89]

I cared for my grandfather, not because it was em expected of me but because I wanted too. I didn't want him to live in a home, likewise for my mum and dad.

Although, of I were old I wouldn't expect my children to look after me. They have there own life to live xxx

[Hamuketsu]

I already do help my Mum, who is 85, although this is still "helping-out" type care rather than nursing care, and with support from myself and my sister she's still living in her own home. When she isn't able to live alone any more, there isn't any practical way she can live with me, as my children still live at home and we don't have room/money to extend. DSis has a big house and her children are adults, and she says Mum may be able to live with her - however, this would be with lots of help from me as DSis is much older than me and her health isn't good. Fortunately we all live quite close together but it will be difficult with work, etc. if she needs to be nursed.

My ILs are 20 years younger than my Mum, so still in their sixties. I dislike them both and have no intention of nursing them, but I don't know what dh expects. They are divorced, MIL lives hundreds of miles away and shows little interest in her grandchildren. It isn't that I expect grandparents to help - my own Mum was too old to help by the time they were born, so I'm used to doing it on my own - but she never phones, never wants to see them, never asks after them, is just completely detached from their lives. Dh's Gran lived very happily in sheltered accommodation and MIL also never visited her, so there isn't a precedent of family care. His Dad lives in the US and has recently been making noises about moving back to the UK. He has told me, half-jokingly, that he plans to "be a burden on us". I'm sorry to say once again that by the time he is elderly I will already have done my duty of care by my own mother and I won't be starting again, especially for someone who left home when dh was 12 and was out of touch for years. I'm just hoping that dh, who is a "pleaser", doesn't make promises that I'm the one who has to keep. He has form for that.

[Thepaintedveil]

It would be my worse nightmare to be a carer to either my own mum or inlaws. I don't think my mum would expect me to do it anyway-we were nc for 4 years and she is now far closer to one of my sisters. I am sure she would rather go into a good care home.

I dread fil dying before mil tbh. She is a total hyppchondriac-some minor health issues but is never away from the doctors. I know she would definately want to live with either us or bil is fil goes first. It ain't happening!

[Debs75]

4seasons Mum lived on her home with 3 large bedrooms. I live with partner and four kids, 1 of which is severely disabled. Mum didn't work and hadn't worked for years when Gran was needing care. I'm changing career and will be working till at least 65.
She herself admits 'if only she had known how to go about it' gran would have lived with her. Her prime reason for her not having her to live with her was the fact she had many siblings and they should all have shared the care.

I do not criticise her for not having gran to live with her I criticise the family as a whole when they refused to work with each other and find an agreeable solution for my gran.

I feel if she wanted to help us out with childcare, something she had never done despite not working then I would have been happy to have her live with us when she got older. She refuses to help me with childcare, she helps dsis begrudgingly. She doesn't want to leave her home until the very end. She will either leave in a box or move in with me or dsis, neither of us can afford the extra room. As she is already showing signs of dementia that would be when she is aggressive and very hard to deal with. Not easy when me and DP will be working and we have children at school to consider.

[4seasons]

I understand Debs 75, I really do . But I also can empathise with your mum's situation . My DH and I had both retired when the ILS problems started and my SIL obviously thought that it simplified things for her ! We were , in her words " work free" and I understood that it was difficult for her to take time off work . But there was no willingness to share the workload . She would turn up for the weekend and expect to be fed or be taken out for meals but never so much as lifted a duster to help out to help her elderly parents and actually thought it was amusing to see me cleaning !

Just because someone doesn't have employment doesn't mean that they " should " help out. Your mum probably realised that she had one life and wanted to make the most of it and follow her own interests.

We helped the ILS because we loved them and don't want to see them suffer ....BUT ...father in law in particular was a very controlling character and blunt to the point of rudeness at times .Neither would he give a thought to moving closer to us and in fact at one point asked if we would be interested in moving nearer to him . I had to explain about friends and family being close to us where we were and that we enjoyed living in our home. He just shrugged and said " oh well, the journey here isn't too bad for you ".

Eventually it was left to me to explain that if he remained where he was we would need to sort out help with the house and garden etc. as we had our own lives to lead .That we wanted to be able to see more of our children and grandchildren . At this point we were spending much longer with the ILS than them ! Fortunately my DH was happy for me to take the lead on this and agreed with me .He actually apologised at one point as he said " you didn't sign up for this did you ?" I helped because I felt it was the right thing to do and I wanted to help my DH through a bad time . But make no mistake , I didn't enjoy it and when the inevitable happened I was as relieved as I was saddened by their passing .

[whitecloud]

Very interesting thread. A problem we will all have to confront one way or another. I am a great believer in "you reap what you sow". If you haven't bothered with your children or your d-in-law or s-in-law or much with your gc, why are you so surprised when they don't want to look after you? Children then visit out of duty and do their best, but they hang on to their own lives if they have any sense. If relationships aren't great to start with, caring will really blow a hole in everything. So many have found that caring has taken a terrible toll on them and had a very bad effect on their immediate family.

I really admire the parents who sit their children down and tell them what plans they have for their old age and what they expect. I have every intention of doing it with my dd and trying as hard as I can to sort my own future out because I dread being a burden on others. I feel very strongly that she has her own life and should not have to give everything up to look after me. In the future, anyway, I doubt if people will be able to afford to, the way things are going.

I have been through the nightmare of caring for increasingly frail parents, who fortunately died before they had to go into a home. It is emotionally taxing and distressing and I wish they had felt able to discuss their wishes with us. They never did, and that made the whole thing so much more painful. Independence can be a blessing and a curse, because then the older person won't accept help and that can make the whole thing even tougher.

There's no easy answer to this one, and it is harder if you are really close to your parents and they have done a lot for you.

[SummerRain]

Yes and no. I'm an only child so obviously a certain amount of responsibility will fall to me, however my parents aren't the sort to want me to have to care for them, they have decent pensions from when they had better jobs and have a house they are planning on selling to move somewhere more suitable when they get too old.

That being said, being such a small family I do feel a degree of obligation. When the time comes I will so my best (despite a running joke with my father about nursing homes ) but I know they wouldn't want or expect me to give up my life for them. I'd happily have my father living with me at some point, I'd be more hesitant about my mother as we don't share a home well (I moved out at 17 because of our inability to share a living space.

Luckily my parents are still relatively young and healthy so it shouldn't be an issue in the near future, but we do openly discuss these issues anyway so nothing will come as a shock to any of is when the time comes at least.

[Ewieindwie1]

This is such an interesting thread!

My gran has just moved into a Care home aged 94. Her dementia made her unable to live at home and both my parents are in their 70s and have worn themselves to a frazzle looking after her for the last three years. Her house is being sold to pay for the Home so bang goes inheritance... Which is fine.

The experience has made us all think. My DPs have made it clear that they do not expect us to look after or care for them. My siblings and I will be working full time so it's not even an option. I have told my DDs who are only teenagers that their dd and I will look after ourselves and would never expect care from them where they sacrificed their lives.

I agree very much with what the poster Cleopatra says and I wonder how the state will have to change in the future.

And for the record, the day my fil announces he is coming to live with us is the day I make a getaway... With DH running next to me!

[Ewieindwie1]

Sorry DDs will not have to care for us, their parents

[Idontknowhowtohelpher]

My parents had my granddad to live with them - and aged incredibly fast over the years that his dementia worsened. Eventually he went into a care home, screaming and swearing at them for "dumping" him.
They swore that they would never ask their children to care for them. Twenty years later my dad is in his late 80's and very frail. He desperately wants his children to step up as his carers. We help, but we can't be his carers. It is a horrible situation.

[mimishimmi]

My grandfather recently moved into an independent living retirement village close by to his old suburb. My Aunty did invite him to move over across the country to live with her or in a facility close by. He refused but he is now finding it very difficult. My mum has very serious health issues of her own and lives three hours away, he alienated my uncle at a very young age and that uncle now lives overseas. I am the closest relative but still over an hour away. He either keeps hinting that he would either like my Aunty to leave her family and move over in with him (not going to happen) or that he would like to move in with us/or have me provide more care. Currently I am going over every second weekend. Growing up he was quite verbally abusive to my mum and my Aunty. I still have strong memories of that but thankfully he did get his act together for a long time and my children/husband haven't really seen that side of him.

Past couple of years it's been rearing it's head again with childish and manipulative behaviour - apparently he has sworn at mum/Aunty on phone again and told me nastily to 'bugger off' which I did for a while when not only would he not let me drive him to his great-grandson's christening (after agreeing to ) but didn't want me to go either.

Every time it go over to visit him he is so negative about everything (although physically coping) and just wants to moan for hours and have me agree with him. It's so exhausting and I can't imagine having to provide care for that sort of personality full-time. He's got the money, he can hire carers on an hourly basis and not much above minimum wage. My parents, by contrast, are so stoic in m's case and positive in dad's (he just had some major surgery and was gushing with love about everyone - including the cleaners!).

[AcrossthePond55]

So many posters are speculating about what MAY happen as time goes by. About what they will or may do vs what they think their parents may expect them to do. Yet no one is saying they are going to sit the parents down & have 'the talk'. I understand, truly, how hard 'that conversation' may be! I'm one of the lucky ones whose parents made plans, communicated them early, & planned their finances accordingly.

I wonder, what keeps you from raising this issue with your parents?

[sunbathe]

Ha ha. My mum is as prickly as a hedgehog. You couldn't even gently mention that the dog needed a bath (the house stank). She would go in a complete moany huff.

[MinesAPintOfTea]

Across a lot of us have said we have sat down with our parents and had "the talk" actually.

[PhoneSexWithMalcolmTucker]

In my case, the usual massive unopened vat of family worms.

[WynkenBlynkenandNod]

DH tried the talk numerous times. FIL is hard of hearing so went conveniently deaf and changed the subject. In the end DH gave up as was getting nowhere. His Brother s and sisters also failed with this hence in we're in the position that FIL nearly set the flat on fire and we have no solution to his situation as you can't just pick up the phone to SS in Spain and ask for a Capacity Assessment.

I had the talk with my Mother. She wanted to stay home for as long as possible then move to sheltered housing though there were discuss ions of her coming to us. What happened in reality was she wouldn't accept care, decided I was evil, plotting against her and was financially motivated and persuaded my Brother who was out the country of this. He accused me of abuse of PGA to Social Services and said he no longer considered me to be his sister. So the talk didn't help and I had to prove to SS that the accusations were a load of bullocks. Luckily it was clear they were and I was totally exonerated.

[mousmous]

no.
but they are in a different country.
I expect to pay for part their care though, as the system in their country requires close relatives to pay the difference between state support (pennies) and care costs (££££ per month).

[mousmous]

oh, and for cost reasons my mother cared for her mother and it nearly broke her.
dealing with someone severely disabled and mentally ill and violent is not for the faint hearted.

[MaryWestmacott]

OP - in your case, your DH needs to sit down with his parents and spell out that you will care for them in the sense of making sure htey get to hospital appointments and buying food for them, but you don't want them to move into your house, you won't do personal care for them and so they need to make plans for their old age.

There's no point you and your DH agreeing now between yourselves that you won't do it, because if it gets to the stage that they have nowhere to live and need caring for, of course he's going to bring them to your home "until things are sorted" which there won't be the money to do or the requirement for social services to sort something if they have a nice suitable home with you. And if your DH is the one working long hours, then the care that physically needs doing will fall to you.

oh and in my case, not prepared to do it for my parents. Happily, the golden child (my brother) is engaged to a nurse and they'd rather live with him anyway (have said so). I told DB that I was happy to forgo any inheritance from that side if it would help him do the care. He seems happy with this arrangement, his DP seems happy, so far my parents don't need care and have 2 rental properties, one in each name, both are bringing in about the same as care home fees, so there's options.

For PIL, I'd do it, I can't see SIL being prepared to and MIL and FIL have been about a million times more hands on with my DCs so I'd feel it was 'repaying' them. That said, I can't see MIL wanting me to, so I might instead be arranging care, they have a lot more money so there's lots of options there too.

[CitrusSun]

Thank you for starting this thread. A month ago I moved in with my dad, he's 86, selling my own home to care for him, he has dementia. I feel like my life is not my own anymore and am still trying to adjust, although I realise it's early days. I feel constantly guilty that I'm not doing enough with and for him, I work on the computer in one room of the house and he's in another watching telly, all day, every day, a couple of times a week we walk into town, he no longer able to drive, I don't have a car. I selfishly mourn my old life, my lovely little house that was my sanctuary and my independence. I have a sister who does absolutely nothing. He has been the kindest dad for so many years and I love him, but I hate the illness. Am determined my daughter won't be responsible for my care.

[sunbathe]

Citrus - is renting your home an option?

[Honu]

Oh Citrus -

I'm already a carer, but of my DH not a parent. Four years ago he had a catastrophic fall and is now wheelchair bound and depressed, and I am his main carer - and, though I feel terribly guilty about it because I love him dearly, I resent it mightily.

If you can, get your father to go to a day centre or some other social gathering for both your sakes. If I can get my DH to go out he is much happier, but inertia rules and he finds it easier to stay in.

Make sure you look after yourself and find time to do your own things - you have to keep yourself happy and functioning in order to be able to help him.

Best of luck.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

This is a zombie thread.