Do Your Parents/In-Laws Intend for You to Provide Elder Care??

[FixItUpChappie]

I don't mean accidentally because shit happens - I mean intentionally as in that is their retirement plan.

If so, are you okay with that? Is your spouse okay with it? Did you all discuss it in advance or was it just "surprise! we have no money!!"? How did you broach the topic? Do want them to contribute? What about physical care? Do you just send money or do you have them live with you?

More and more (for various reasons) I'm getting the impression that my in-laws spend above their means (think travel-lifestyle), live hand to mouth and have no retirement "plans" per se. They already do a lot of freeloading for lack of a better word. I see some behaviour that signals to me we are going to have an issue. That and they announced to my mother that they are so lucky to have children who will care for them in their old age . Well my DH would be the contender for that job and I know they haven't asked for his perspective (or mine).

Just curious to hear perspectives.

[FixItUpChappie]

When they say they are "lucky to have children who will care for them" do they mean actually looking after them, or are they reflecting that having a loving and caring family is part of the wider support network?

No, they mean to live with us. Already they don't have a home and flounce around living off various friends and family (including us with small children) when they are not travelling (for free mind). This is how they fund their lifestyle. We (well, I) have been pushing for some answer as to when they will get their own home but they've told my husband they don't see the need and don't have the money anyway.

I used to think them sort of just a bit hippy-like and free spirited but more and more I'm seeing boundary issues, a lack of insight and possibly (though I hate to think it) manipulation.

[LibraryMum8]

Dh and I discussed this years ago. My saint of a mum has been gone for years, dad too, and his father would be difficult to live with and His mum - it curdles the blood to think of her living with us!

After she proceeded to tell me she is leaving everything to dh and then our ds, nothing is to go to me, (must add caveat that it would have been like this no matter who he married so it isn't personal I guess) but I will have such fun cleaning up all the crap in her house...

I very calmly told her, "Dh will take anything he wants and the rest goes to auction. I did my parents house, don't worry about me, it will go to auction!!" Well that shut her up.

She should have been nice to me. I'm helping pick her nursing home.

[Rowgtfc72]

My dads had this chat with me and my brother recently. He doesn't want to go in a home nor does he want to live with me and dh. My brother lives in London so won't be about. I've offered help but my lovely dad is very independent and expects me to put dh and dd first. My mother on the other hand had she still been alive would be very much in the 'I had kids to look after me in my old age camp!'

[Petrasmumma]

I have no idea how people afford the fees (or how care homes justify them, for the most part. )

[Adayinthelifeof]

I admire families that just take it as their duty to look after older relatives and don't moan about it but that's definitely not for me. I've made it very clear to my parents that I'll not be looking after them in their old age. I know it's selfish but I'm happy with that. I'll get them a good home and likely help fund it but they're not living/getting looked after by me.

My old man lives abroad and started coming over every summer for 2 or 3 months Nd expecting to stay with us. I turned his bedroom into an office. He then started coming over in a motor home and parking it in our garden. I put some gates up and unfortunately the posts were too narrow for the motor home to fit through:) He seemed to get the point and pops over for an evening or two a year now. Perfect:)

[CleopatrasAsp]

Thank you Pobblewhohasnotoes I think it's only those of us who have had a relative/relatives experience dementia who really understand what it is like. I really think this is a growing problem that will affect most families over the next few decades, as a society we need to face it and come up with something better than judging and guilting women into caring for not only their elderly relatives but also their elderly in-laws.

[lightningstrikes]

I am seriously worried about this. My PIL have made some very bad financial decisions during their working lives (or at least FIL, MIL seems unable to work ) and are now struggling to get by even though FIL is still working a decent paid job AND claiming his various pensions from previous jobs. They have no assets, lots of debt, and I'm very concerned about what happens when he has to stop working. However, they are still supporting SIL (30) and BIL (32) and making no real effort to save anything or pay off their substantial mortgage. We are not in a financial position to help and they live abroad, so won't be entitled to any government help. It is like watching a car crash in slow motion and being unable to alter the outcome. Whilst I don't feel it is in any way our responsibility to care for them (and it would be a huge burden for all sorts of financial and emotional reasons), I really don't know how we are going to watch this all unfold without having to step in. It pisses me off.

[winkywinkola]

My pil love to recount the tale that dh aged10 said they could always live with him and his wife. I have made it clear it's not going to happen.

It would be the end of our marriage. They are already so needy, manipulative and demanding whilst in full health. I cannot take on more children.

As adults I believe it is your own responsibility to sort out your own elderly years as much as possible.

The huge impact of having an elderly relative to live with you can't be underestimated.

[NormHonal]

Neither set have said anything, but given how both sets of our parents have treated their parents (helped them to stay independent in their homes for as long as possible, moved them to care homes when needed, all stated in all cases that living with them NOT an option) I think we would do similar.

For my parents, if it was just my DMum (DDad is too cranky) I would consider trying to accommodate her in an annex somehow, as she is genuinely adored by the DCs, loves spending time with them, and is as helpful as possible, so I think we would rub along ok.

For PILs...well, they have always treated DH's siblings and their offspring as their favourites, so they can all deal with it. Although I suspect we will be the ones footing the bills if the money runs out as the siblings have drained a chunk of the money.

[TitusFlavius]

I looked after my mum until she died. My DS was v small at the time, and I also had a part-time job. It was hellish.

DS will not be required to look after me, I can tell you all now, when it comes to it. Nursing home or a walk into the snow for me...

[Debs75]

My DM definitely thinks me or dsis will look after her when she is older. She is adamant she will not go in a home and to be fair I wouldn't want to put her in a home, DGran went in one and it broke her and dsis works in one and hates the way residents are treat. They are in no way abused but things like early rising (5am) and early to bed (8-9pm) and the loss of freedom just makes them feel more like a prison.

My DGran looked after her DM until the day she died when she was admitted to hospital so DM feels we should do the same for her. Now whilst I agree that it is a childs responsibility to be there for their parents I just know it won't work out.
DM is very short and abrupt with people and actually hates being in other peoples homes.
She intends to live for as long as possible by herself so she won't entertain moving in till she reaches the infirm stage.(Is only 65 now but has very early signs of dementia which she will not see a dr about)
She is very reluctant to help me or dsis out with babysitting and likes to guilt us when she does help out.
She smokes which neither me or dsis does.
With the way retirement age is rising I will be 70 before I retire making her nearly 100, If she lives that long
If we are both working how will we care for an infirm possibly dementia suffering grumpy old woman.
If she moved in within 10 years she would move to a house of teenagers and a disabled adult, hardly the calming environment she would want.

I'm afraid whilst I know I have a responsibility to her I just cannot see it happening. Houses are not big enough for her to feel more than a lodger and I am about to start a new career which I want to enjoy, not feel guilty about as she is moaning no one looks after her all day.

DMIL, well she hates me and I hate her so that won't happen. Even DP barely speaks to her now so I can't see him wanting her to move in

[Walkacrossthesand]

debs, are you saying that your DM didn't care for her own DM (who went into a home) but will expect you to care for her, 'because her DGran looked after her own DM'? Convenient blind spot there on her part, don't you think?!

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

My parents looked after my grandparents when they were old. Everyone rubbed along, no one had a breakdown or anything. I would expect to do the same for my mum and DH's dad if necessary.

In fact only the other day I was working out whether the dining room would be the best place to put DFiL (he is in a warden monitored flat at the moment but has recently started to look a bit wobbly).

I think my view is coloured by the smart, state of the art, care home that DH's lovely old uncle ended up in. He had terrible bed sores and general neglect. It was just awful.

[morethanpotatoprints]

It was a no brainer for me, as my parents were always a constant in my life growing up. They looked after their parents as generations did before this.
I could never have lived with myself had I not done.
I'm sure raising me and my siblings wasn't always a bed of roses for them, a small price to pay, imo.

[Oldraver]

My Mum has made remarks that she expects me to look after my Dad her.

My Gran looked after her parents including having my Great Gran who had Dementia live in the family home for many years. My Mum hated this and has always been negative about it. So I think this is a reason why she has always said things like....I dont think you should expect your DC's to look after you, Its not what you have children for. I think what she was saying was "I dont want to look after my parents"

Over the years my Mum kept this up despite the fact she had LOTS of help looking after us, including my DB and I living with my GP's for 7 years and then being on hand to babysit/look after us as teens. My Gran was running around after my Mum until just a few months before she died at 79..my Mum never really 'cared' for my Gran in any way. She was always very vociferous that she would never look after her FIL.

Over the following years my Mum seems to of changer her tune and little comments have crept in over the years regarding nursing homes and such. I do think she is maybe testing the water as to what I will say. I live quite away form her and while she has had DS's for the odd week in the holidays I have had noway near the help she had of her own parent.

My Dad became ill a few years ago and really need help around the house to make things easier for himself (if he was on his own though I'm sure he would manage) and my Mum has told me that she had a conversation with my Dad where he expressed worry about if anything happened to her as he wouldn't want to go into a home. My Mum told him that I would look after him though didnt promise my brother would. It seems they are both assuming I would take on this role.

My Dad has also refused to stay in my house for the last 13 odd years, but suddenly changed his mind last year..I think he realised he may have to put aside his principles silly little reason if he wanted me to look after him in the future. My Dad being ill has also thrown a spanner in the works with my Mum as it wasn't in her plan to be my Dads carer, she was the one supposedly being the 'taken care of' one...she has some health issues but plays on them.

My relationship with my folks isnt a close enough one for me to want to care for them...I suppose I think they dont deserve it. It does annoy me my Mum has had so much help but not wanting to do it herself and still expecting to be looked after in her later years

[FixItUpChappie]

It is like watching a car crash in slow motion and being unable to alter the outcome. Whilst I don't feel it is in any way our responsibility to care for them (and it would be a huge burden for all sorts of financial and emotional reasons), I really don't know how we are going to watch this all unfold without having to step in. It pisses me off.

This sums it up very aptly for me.

[MistressDeeCee]

I do think my parents think like this. It doesn't bother me tho as if they became unable to manage Id never conceive of putting either of them in a home. Ever. I don't think my DDs would put me in a care home in my later years. I suppose its just not the done thing in our family. & deep down I do think, my parents raised me so they're not going to be a bother to me if they need care. Just have to get on with it as best I can and anyway, care homes are being priced beyond the means of many.

[StupidFlanders]

I just assume I'll do whatever I can to help in whatever capacity.

We're renovating our house so when it's necessary we can live downstairs with no access issues and are adding a granny flat.

[purplemurple1]

Only MIL is alive she is 80 and lives next door (shared garden) so yes we are her elderly care - drive her to the shops, appointmentments etc.

But tbh she loves gardening and cooking so when she can't manage as much we will just be repaying the favours.
Also I like that we can do house and garden maintenance for her now as it makes her happy and why wouldn't we want to do that.

[purplemurple1]

Should add she financially independent which I think is a big help - we do provide housing for an elderly aunt but that's near to SIL so we aren't doing the caring.

I think if they are expecting you to afford to feed, clothe, separate housing etc you should bring it up - esp if that expense will affect your own retirement plans.

[HavantGuard]

My ILs do expect it I think, when they become more frail. They have conveniently forgotten that they sent their DC away for other people to raise (boarding school.) When the time comes I'm sure we'll find them somewhere very nice with great facilities and plenty of activities to keep them busy.

My parents could live with us if they chose to but are far too independent to want to.

[MinesAPintOfTea]

My parents had this discussion with me & DH when one of their friends moved an elderly parent in and it had repercussions on all of their life and especially on their child.

They have made it clear that although they would hope for light support with heavy DIY, paperwork etc they actively don't want us to become carers and want to go into a care home rather than us spend decades with very restricted lives due to caring responsibilities.

Hopefully this is all a long way off though as DPs are in their 50s.

[beccajoh]

My parents have already sorted themselves out financially. Mum has even chosen her nursing home (slightly premature at 58 but good to be prepared I guess!) My in-laws I've no idea. They're fairly well sorted for a pension as FIL worked for the civil service his entire life, and they're savers not spenders, but they're not that well off. Longevity is a feature in both our families. Based on the current ages/needs of our grandparents, and with reasonable assumption that our parents might go the same distance, DH and I are going to be in our late 60s/early 70s ourselves before any real care needs set in. We're not going to be that young. We might well both be working.

For both sets of parents I am MORE than happy to help out, shopping, medical appointments etc, but I won't be doing full time nursing care. My parents wouldn't want that for me or my brother nor would they expect it. My in-laws, I don't know. I don't think they'll expect it. MIL was quite happy for her parents to be in a nursing home, and FIL's dad passed away recently after three years in nursing care. I expect nursing care is an acceptable idea, but I might get DH to talk to them about it.

[EmilyAlice]

That is exactly what I feel too. A bit of support is fine, but I would never want my children to have to offer physical care. Nobody wants to go into a home, but I saw the burden on my mother that caring for my grandmother became and it was too much to ask. My MiL was the most fiercely independent woman, but she went to a home when she could no longer look after herself and was not unhappy during the short months before she died. The other thing we will do is to move to a property that enables us to hang on to our independence as long as possible (which won't be this rambling house and large garden in the French countryside....)