Cheating partners..... What did you miss?

[Melodygrace]

Ok I know the usual signs of cheating losing weight, out longer hours, possessive over phone etc....
I was wondering if you have been cheated on what other things did they do that made you suspicious ? When you confronted them is there any advice you would give now things to do what not to do. Basically anything that could help.
Has anyone confronted a man or woman and they have told the truth? Is there any point confronting with no solid evidence? Has anyone had that 'gut feeling' and been wrong? How have you caught them out? Sorry for all the rambling....

[Pinkballoon]

Bimbobaggins
It can be quite sickening when you start to uncover stuff and take in what's been going on. But in some ways it can also be quite a relief, as you start to see that you weren't going mad, and that your instincts were right all along. If you've found worse, show it to him and watch his reaction. Don't fill in any gaps/ silences in the conversation - show it to him and wait for what he has to say.

[Adayinthelifeof]

Sorry to hear of all of your cheating fellas but I'd just like to say that I never cheated on my ex wife and I have pass codes on my phone and ipad and I would be seriously pissed off if she wanted to check my phone and I wouldn't let her. I have no reason for her not to see my phone but the very fact that she didn't trust me and wanted to check would really get my back up and make me dig my heals in. What I'm saying is just because your guy has a pass code on his phone and gets angry if you want to check it doesn't mean he's cheating. If you feel the need to check his phone then you really should just think about calling it a day as the trust has gone and it's only a matter of time until it destroys your relationship.

[handfulofcottonbuds]

adayinthelifeof - from experience, phones aren't checked without wanting to find a reason why DH/DW/DP get very secretive suddenly or start EA or acting severely out of character.

FWIW - I never checked my stbxh's phone, he did suddenly become so attached to it though and spent hours on it secretly and when confronted said he was looking at the weather! I knew something was going on but he spat, "it's all in your fucking head".

I have never put passwords on my phone and I trusted my H completely until he started - seemingly out of the blue - to have had a violent, abusive personality transplant.

I discovered proof when I found a 5 year written diary that he kept of his plans with OW, he bought one for her too. I still didn't look at his phone but when I informed my MIL, she said I had no right to read his personal thoughts regardless of what my suspicions were as maybe he wasn't ready to tell me.

I hope I trust again but the phone is a dead giveaway as you can see from previous posts.

Most of the posters on this thread have only looked at the phone when things are so bad that they need to find an answer.

Would I check a future partner's phone? I don't think I would but I would like to think I would know if they are protective over it.

I think unless you've been there - you don't know how desperate we are for answers.

[Adayinthelifeof]

Yeah I just think other avenues need to be explored before someone demands to see their other halfs phone. Or do it on the sly without them knowing as once they know you don't trust them things will start to fall apart whether they're having an affair or not.

[DownstairsMixUp]

But then it's a circle adayinthelife if you dig your heels in, this is kind of like a confirmation that SOMETHING might be wrong. Most people, at some point, might behave oddly, and sometimes, people WILL make mistakes. If my DP thought I'd been acting differently with my phone I'd be upset he felt that way but I'd ask why and talk about it and if that still didn't make him feel better, I would let him see my phone. Digging heels in and refusing comes across like you have something to hide.

[CurtWild]

I think the main difference is if you had a passlock on the phone amd alwaya had it glued to and that was 'normal' behaviour for you, then your partner is at ease with it because you've been like that from day one and it's the norm.
The majority of posters here are pointing out that this was a huge change in behaviour from their partners, a sudden secrecy with passcodes etc that didn't exist before, and that is why it flags up as unusual behaviour.
I'm also assuming adayinthelife, that if your wife mentioned looking at your phone, whilst angry with her, you'd speak firmly but with respect to allay her fears, because you have nothing to hide. Whereas pp have been met with being told they're off their head/crazy/paranoid/jealous/possesive (delete as applicable), which is probably equally odd behaviour for their once loving, respectful partner.
I never checked my stbxh's phone but I marked a huge change in behaviour with it which raised concerns, and those concerns were correct.

[DownstairsMixUp]

Yes Curt is right to. Also my DP at the time did have a passcode (it was a four digit thing and I knew it and he knew I knew it) then suddenly it changed to one of them swipey key locks where you have to draw a certain pattern to unlock and he would NEVER face the phone to me unlocking and delibrately actually turn the phone away! Was so obvious really.

[CurtWild]

I think the general concensus is that it's not 'the phone' or 'the weight loss' or 'the change of appearance' etc, it's the huge and often fairly swift change in behaviour, however that manifests itself, that flags up. Partners that we previously felt we knew very well, their daily habits and idiosynchrasies (sp?), suddenly become people we feel we barely know. Obviously there are exceptions and these things aren't instantly indicative of an affair, but I think there's a lot to be said for gut instinct, too.

[IrianofWay]

It was the very fact that I felt the need to check his phone that indicated to me something really was going on. I had never even thought of doing it before that. I agree that if I was always checking his phone and assuming he was up to something when he wasn't, he would have the right to feel insulted and annoyed. When I did actually check it he was too surprised (not to mention scared shitless!) to even think about being angry.

[camtt]

I think change of phone behaviour seems to be a major giveaway but for mine, as pp mentioned, being glued to phone and having pass codes was normal so I thought nothing of it. Felt all the more betrayed and humiliated when I found my trust had been abused and he'd been able to carry on the relationship in plain view and in my presence. Wish I'd been more suspicious, I could have found out more before all evidence was swiftly removed after I did by chance find a string of messages.

[QuiteSo]

I was advised on Mumsnet to check my husband's phone when I had some concerns about his behaviour. I didn't check because I couldn't imagine he'd be doing anything untoward and I think privacy is important.

Eventually I checked his phone. He'd been having a full blown affair for six months. I bloody wish I'd checked earlier.

[Pinkballoon]

Usually when they're drunk or sleeping heavily are the only times you'll be able to part them from their phone. Most normal people would just leave their phones hanging about unlocked. But remember that there could be multiple phones (car boot and glove compartment usually.) So then its a case of also being able to get hold of car keys too……….

[TequilaMockingbirdy]

Grass stains on his jeans.

[CaptainAmericaMmmYesPlease]

The only time I looked at my ex's phone was when he accused me of cheating (I wasn't), he grabbed my phone and locked himself in the bathroom with it. I didn't care,.I wasn't cheating and had nothing to hide on it. Daft bugger dropped his phone in the process so I thought what's good for the goose...
He had a passlock on which I disabled easily (no passlock on mine btw), and it only took a quick glance at his fb messages and texts to see he was flirting, arranging hook ups etc. His face when he came out of the bathroom with my innocent phone and saw me there with his all unlocked and full of sleaze..My stomach was churning and I was shaking but if I'd had a camera, his expression was pure bricking it!
His first words were "I know how it looks but you're wrong.."
Errr..no, I'm not.

[HeyBungalowBill]

Captain - as awful as that situation is it's also so so good
He was there trying to accuse you then BAM he's in the shit bet he was gutted. What an idiot!!!

[LuluJakey1]

Gave me crabs and I believed him when he said he must have caught them in a rugby changing room.

[Dinnaeknowshitfromclay]

It was the phone with my ex. It was in my name but didn't have an itemised account in those days. The bill went from £10 to £20 a month to £150 and I could get it itemised for a pound so did so. It was all there then. He denied it then blamed me then buggered off to move in with her and her husband. He tried moving her in to our house then and it all went mental from there but that would be a whole different thread episode of Jeremy Kyle!

[HeyBungalowBill]

Dinnae - he moved in with ow and her husband?! Did the husband not know about them or something or were they separated?

[CaptainAmericaMmmYesPlease]

HeyBungalowBill it was awful but bloody hell, his face was a picture! I can see it now and it's making me .

Thing is I wasn't expecting to find anything, he's a fb obsessive but always maintained it was just regular or jokey chat so idiot here believed him. So by grabbing my perfectly innocent phone, he dropped himself in the shit. Oh, the irony!

[HeyBungalowBill]

Thank god he dropped his phone and you thought to look! Serves him right

Being accused of cheating is definitely a big red flag when it comes to cheating! They panic you're as much of a bastard as they are!

[kentishgirl]

I knew deep down and there were so many warning signs and odd things happening. But anytime I asked about them he'd come up with some stupid convoluted explanation for them that didn't convince me in the slightest but would he would insist on - and then get really angry with me for asking and not trusting him. I had 'are you calling me a liar??!!!' yelled at me a few times. But I couldn't quite pin down definite proof and with 10 years behind us I suppose I was torn; I didn't believe him, yet at the same time I couldn't believe he'd be doing this to me. I was also being stubborn. I should have left but I didn't want him to come out looking like the innocent party and me looking like the mad paranoid woman he was trying to paint me as.

Some of the signs
Receiving phone calls where his face would light up with delight and he'd then go off to another room to talk. He'd tell me it was one of his kids phoning. I couldn't drag his kids into it by phoning them back to find out if it were true or not.
Weekends and evenings away for work - this was a tricky one as he did genuinely have to travel and work odd hours for work all through the 10 years. But it increased. And a lot of it was suddenly last-minute.
Odd expenses that he'd come up with ludicrous explanations for.
His friends/family members developed a lot of problems he had to go visit them alone to discuss/help them with, no, I couldn't come as well.
Generally not wanting to spend time with me, look at me, talk to me. He used to sit on the sofa pretending to have fallen asleep at 9pm every night. I knew he was pretending.

[Pinkballoon]

Kentishgirl
That's just brought back memories - the pretending to fall asleep on the sofa at 9pm! Suppose it is to get out of discussions and to see you get off to bed early so that they can sit downstairs texting. :(