Cheating partners..... What did you miss?

[Melodygrace]

Ok I know the usual signs of cheating losing weight, out longer hours, possessive over phone etc....
I was wondering if you have been cheated on what other things did they do that made you suspicious ? When you confronted them is there any advice you would give now things to do what not to do. Basically anything that could help.
Has anyone confronted a man or woman and they have told the truth? Is there any point confronting with no solid evidence? Has anyone had that 'gut feeling' and been wrong? How have you caught them out? Sorry for all the rambling....

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Looking back I think he wanted tomato a call

mamma - that's the best typo yet!

melody - I'm sorry for questioning your reasons for your thread, there's just been a lot of 'strange' threads on here lately.

I agree to clinging to the end of the bed for dear life, my stbxh also made a quilt barrier between us in case I dare touch him.

The phone - that has been covered and is a big giveaway!! Mine did everything PPs have said about his phone.

• Locking the bathroom door when he had a shower.
  
  
• Taking a spare pair of underwear in his work bag and said it was because he got sweaty during the day
  
  
• grew a beard again
  
  
• kissed me but tried not to touch my lips while doing it
  
  
• went quiet for days
  
  
• threw out all his clothes and bought a completely new wardrobe
  
  
• went to bed really early but was on his phone for hours before sleeping
  
  
• started having nights out after work
  
  
• started staying at hotels after work drinks
  
  
• after 11 years together and no inclination to ever drive, he learnt how to drive (bastard)
  
  
• said he thought he had cancer and it was my fault as I cause his pain
  
  The hardest part though was the months of EA. He was angry all the time, aggressive, violent. All totally out of character that I was convinced he was having a breakdown.
  
  I really hope you're not in this situation but I agree sadly, you need to trust your instincts, they are rarely wrong.

[BeforeAndAfter]

In addition to the above, especially moving laptop screen away and glued-to-phone syndrome:

XH met OW doing a new hobby. When I suggested joining him to see if it was something we could do together he lost the plot and suggested that I wasn't allowing him any time alone.

XH started making out that I was boring/didn't like the same things as he did. "You never liked doing XYZ, I wish we did that". I now know this is the part of the script where he had to convince himself that I was unworthy of him.

XH started going out to get petrol/money at weird times. Previously he would just do this while at Sainsbury's or similar but he created special trips - clearly for lovey dovey phone calls.

He threw in some new sex moves! With one of them I actually asked him, in jest, who he'd learned that one from...

He got a bad case of mentionitis - OW does this, OW does that.

I kept getting UTIs - all of a sudden. I'm now convinced it was him having unprotected sex with her and then being so kind as to introduce her "garden flora" to me... My UTIs started when the affair started and ended when I left - funny that.

[Bananasandnutella]

Yep phone was a big one. I realised that with his new phone I had never really seen it or been allowed to touch it. There was a time my battery was flat and I needed to check in with my parents about our dd and I wasn't allowed to! One day I watched him type his pin in and for a month I tried to recount it without locking the pin. Then a years worth of texts were there to read!

[IrianofWay]

I didn't notice he was always texting because he didn't do it at home. He was always finding reasons to pop out though. Two of his friends stopped going out to play snooker with him - didn't know why at the time, turned out he was ignoring them and had his head buried in his phone. What a pathetic teenage way to behave. Twat!

It was his phone that gave it away in the end but only because he more or less told me he was having an affair that I checked it. I was so fucking naive and trusting it didn't occur to me what was going on.

To be fair he did confess fuly after 24 hours of confusion and misery.

[CurtWild]

Everything everyone else said. The suddenly not getting undressed in front of me and then deciding (after always sleeping naked because he preferred it) he started sleeping in boxers or even fully clothed. Woe betide me questioning him, that made me paranoid, crazy, distrusting.
Of course 'the phone', and all the sudden secrecy that goes with it, even trying to convince me he'd always had a passcode on it (err no, you haven't), more nights out with work, finding things 'wrong' with me, orchestrating arguments..
Once, just before confessing, his phone rung and even though it was stupid o clock and woke our newborn (yup, cheated just after I gave birth to DD1), he grabbed it, ran downstairs and straight out of the front door with it! I went down and followed him down the path to see him halfway on our street quietly berating someone. It wasn't my finest moment but I called out 'tell her thanks for waking DD and she's welcome to you'.
We stayed together and went on to have twins, too, but not only is he a cheating arse he's an abusive one too. He's now my stbxh.

[tiredandsadmum]

Working late all the time (he did have a stressful job so I believed it for ages).

The EA

Anything in our home being delayed or postponed

texting - final giveaway. We had a very poor phone signal so why was the mobile upstairs

improved dental hygiene

[handfulofcottonbuds]

tiredandsadmum - my stbxh didn't improve his dental hygiene, he had awful fag breath. I only hope that he still has for OW - much as I loved him, I couldn't stand it and he never brushed his teeth properly even though I left subtle hints.

It's so sad how all our experiences are similar.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Ha! My first suspicion (apart from a gut feeling that he had emotionally withdrawn) was that the OW liked a very old post I had put on his FB wall. I asked who she was. He blustered a bit. I just knew.

I did some digging.

I confronted him with written and photographic evidence. He denied it ll. got angry with me.

I walked out and have not seen him since.

All from a "like" on FB

[struggling100]

Mine was always glued to the computer, messaging a mutual 'friend'. I just felt that something wasn't right, but he said he was depressed and it made him feel better. Weirdly, it was when I mentioned it to her casually (honestly not intending anything by it) and she went off the deep end with her reaction that I suddenly realised something was really wrong.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I had the gut instinct.
His behaviour changed. Started to blam me for things and would shout at the most trivial things.
I started keeping a log of his weird behaviour.
I then challenged him and he denied it.
Tried again - denied again.
Then he went away with my DD and met up with OW.
I checked the phone bills as I did his accounts and low and behold, from the moment I thought it had started - it had.
His bills went from 10 PM to 50, then 100, then 200+
He was also attached to his phone. Always looking at it.
Always in the office on the computer doing 'work'.
Our sex life never suffered though and he can still not give me any reasons at all as to why he felt the need to do it.

We've been apart for 5+ years now and he's still causing me issues.
He's an arrogant, entitled, cock and I hate him with a passion now.
And breathe!!!! Sorry for the rant!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think it's a mistake to look for 'signs' because everyone's different, don't always conform to the stereotypes, and some are far better at covering their tracks than others. I also think it's problematic to wait for concrete proof or expect confessions before you take action. For me at any rate, once you get into the frame of mind that you have suspicions then there is something wrong. It may be that you are horribly insecure and suspicious by nature... who knows?... but mistrust rarely comes out of nowhere.

It is enough to tell someone that they way they are behaving is making you doubt them. It puts the ball in their court to act more openly and be more reassuring... which most would do if they valued a relationship. If they blow up at the suggestion or become evasive then you can form your own conclusions. If you're frightened to even broach the subject, that's not good either.

[yoyo27]

When I gave birth to our fourth child, I stayed in hospital for a few days. On the third day I packed my bags in the hospital and went home. I had used my exHs backpack as a labour bag.

When we got home I was clearing everything out of it when I found a pair of women's knickers. I confronted him very tearfully, and he said I must've picked them up at the hospital and not noticed. I took the answer. We had been together for 12 years, four babies, house, the lot. I never had reason to not believe him.

10 months later he did actually have an affair and we separated.

It was only three years later that I had a dream about it and it struck me like a bolt of lightning!!!!! I don't doubt for a single second anymore that he had cheated on me, and I am sure I know who with.

He used to work with a girl of about 19 and everyone said they were too close. I spoke to her about it at the time and told her to watch herself. Again I trusted him and thought she had a silly crush.

When we split up he told me that he was going to see her, along with the OW, to tell her that we were finished. Why on earth would he make the effort to go to see her to explain that to her? To just someone he worked with?

Again, it didn't occur to me the reasons why. The dream I had about it literally came out of the blue and everything slotted into place.

Xx

[jalapenobusiness]

This thread is making me feel very sick. There are some things on these lists my partner does ... but seem perfectly normal to me. I'm in danger of being overly paranoid and seeing problems where there aren't any.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Same as most other posters; god, do they have a manual or something?

Texting constantly on phone - said he was on FB and so he was, but sexting hundreds of times a day to his OW abroad

Showing me something on his screen but refusing to let me actually hold the phone

Nasty little digs and criticisms - but then he's always been an abuser, so the increase went largely unnoticed

I can't believe I missed the clues about the phone though, but then of course I trusted him at that time ...

[SpicedGingerTea]

Gosh, so many on here I could've written myself,....

Yes to the numerous trips to the shops - he was obviously calling her. One time he took a walk to our local shop and was gone for 50 minutes. I tried to call him on his mobile and it was engaged. He said he was speaking to his dad. Even when we went away on holiday he kept having to nip to the shops or nip out to get petrol.

Lots of trips away with work. All bullshit - he was stopping with her. But he was always very convincing with his reasons, and used to have my doubting myself for worrying/feeling insecure.

Always came to bed late, always after me. Was sat downstairs texting her, avoiding me. I used to have to ask him when he was coming to bed.

Erratic moods at home - one minute nice as pie, the next critical, argumentative, distant, uncommunicative. Utterly exhausting, I never knew where I stood.

Like another poster said, when he was 'away' he always used to get in first with a text. To say hello, how much he was thinking of me, but that his phone was on low power so he'd contact me tomorrow. i.e. don't bother me for the rest of the evening Lou, and I've 'ticked off' my bit of contact with you.

Looking back they were all classic signs,.... and very predictable.

[Pinkballoon]

One thing I missed out was an over reliance on texting, as opposed to just picking up the phone and talking or being with you in person. You can text from anywhere - while you're sitting waiting for the OW to get ready, when the OW goes to the toilet when they're out etc… Someone once suggested to me to ring exDP every single time he texted (and see whether he answered, what his response was etc.)

[bimbobaggins]

I am currently in this situation. I suspect my partner has cheated on me while working away. The first inkling was a message i received which I think wasn't meant for me. Made my blood run cold. Denied it and said he had been drinking and was mixed up. Raised my suspicions massively and on reflection he has been taking more care of himself, emotionally detached etc. I have found some incriminating information but he is still denying it. We haven't been speaking for nearly 3 months. Basically living separately. Just wish he would admit it

[bimbobaggins]

I asked him to put his pass codes into phones to let me check for peace of mind but was told why should he! !

[Pinkballoon]

Bimbobaggins
The mistaken text is always a bit of a giveaway. I've got a thread going at the moment about one my exDP sent me since our separation; but also when we were together I got this really odd text through one day (very matter of fact and about nothing really, but definitely in response to another text he'd been sent, and it had a woman's name inserted in the middle - not mine!) I texted back '[WOMAN'S NAME]?????' And he came back with some about predictive texting going wrong. A couple of months later, inevitably I found out that yes, he had been seeing this woman (long story how I found out.)

Its actually difficult to work out whether 'mistaken' texts are actually mistaken or deliberate (to force the situation.)

[bimbobaggins]

Hi pinkballoon, I'll have a look at your other thread. . This text didn't have another woman's name on it. I don't think it would be deliberate because he knows i don't trust him now and no longer want to be together but is taking no action or even speaking to me about things . Surely this would be the ideal chance to split up and be with the other person?

[mammadiggingdeep]

Handfulofcottonbuds:

The tomato typo was just for you!!!

Think I got so angry remembering all the bullshit he pulled on me I got 'ranty' fingers! Lol.

[handfulofcottonbuds]

mamma

[Pinkballoon]

bimbobaggins
You would think so, but maybe he doesn't actually want to split up, or if there is another woman (and it is an if), she isn't in a position to be in a relationship with him?
What did the text say? How did you approach it with him?

[bimbobaggins]

Hi pinkballoons, I don't really want to say to much at moment but basically he laughed it off as a drunken text mistake. Because it put me on alert i started looking for more and found much worse. Still denying it. I've told a couple of friends who said they would be in no doubt something has gone on. I'm sorry for being so vague