Is saying "I love you" very early always a red flag?

[Minion100]

I am dating someone new after a very painful marriage breakup and this guy seems to have it all. Attractive, funny, kind, interesting and successful. He's 40 and seems to have a healthy relationship history other than that he has never married. He was engaged but that didn't work out.

The trouble is he came out with "I love you" last night after seeing each other for only about 3 weeks. I did ask him how he could possibly say that so early on and he gave me a very sweet and romantic speech about how he feels.

Which at the time seemed great but I feel a bit confused now. Should I be running for the hills?

I am also not over my stbXH. I feel very guilty too if he does feel this way but at the same time being with him makes me happy.

I am not sure about this...can anyone advise if this is always something to worry about?

I think it's more of an "orange" flag - it could mean that he has a quite shallow definition of what "love" really is because he can't possibly really know you all that well. However, there is every possibility that your relationship, and his emotional maturity, will deepen as time goes by so I wouldn't write him off just because of this.

I don't think its necessarily a red flag but it would make me very hesitant. it sounds too like you are still getting over the break up from your husband.

is it that you aren't over the break up of your marriage or the break up from your husband specifically? what I mean is I feel over my stbexh. in that I look at him and only feel friendship. the other day I looked at him and thought do I want to kiss you and the answer is no. he left me and like you I would have and did try to do whatever I could to save my marriage.

but I don't know that I'll really ever get over the break up of our family unit and marriage. I think that is something different and maybe means you are ready to date.

like others have said I would say be honest with him. it needs to be at your pace.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh - but you are the 'red flag' here! If this was a woman saying her new partner wasn't over his ex then people on here would be saying 'run for the hills' 'red flag' etc. I think that to be fair to this guy you need to tell him honestly how you feel, or cool the relationship so he can find someone who doesn't just need a sticking plaster :)

No, I think it is the other way around for me Minime85. I have "gotten over" the loss of my marriage and future, the family unit and our daily life together.

I am actually enjoying being alone in a way and am enjoying travelling, seeing friends, my freedom and even living alone and having my own space. I feel alive in a lot of ways and free from feeling like "just" a wife or mother. I've taken up all sorts of fun hobbies and feel pretty good about life actually.

The part I am struggling with is that I still love my stbXH very deeply. I still feel completely chemistry when I see him (I try not to ever see him) and deep down I know I would rather be with him than anyone else.

I know that's not a good place to be starting a new relationship but I do also genuinely really like this new man and he has a lot of qualities that objectively might make him a better match for me.

I think I am very loyal, and I suppose I felt like I would be with my husband forever and it's hard to let go of that deep attachment.

I don't want life to pass me by though!

Happyringo, I know that's right. I think the reason it worried me is because it made me feel guilty whereas before he blurted that out it was just fun.

Minion dont be too hard on youself it will take a while for you to come to terms with what happened.

I think it's not a red flag to say I love you quickly but you should be careful of your own feeling and take the time you need

My dh said it after about 2 months, he wanted to say it earlier but thought it was too soon. He did say after 4 weeks that he was going to marry me one day, he was a bit tipsy mind but just over a year later we married and have been happily married for the last 3 years and looking forward to many more happy years.

Nah, my lovely Husband said it to me staggeringly early on and I was a bit at that! We got engaged quickly to but we had both been round the block and knew what we both wanted and it's worked out just fine. Not wanting to make the same mistakes twice keeps it all on track and we plan to get wrinkly, crinkly and crumbly together. It's not necessarily a red flag.

This business of talking about red flags must be some new psychology/counselling thing. I have noticed it a lot on MN and wonder whether its appropriate in this situation tbh.

It's a bit of a shame to label what seems to be a very benign situation, with something that is often associated with sinister (sometimes abusive) behaviour - at least it seems really normal and harmless from what I can tell from the description you have given, Minion.

Your new man obviously has strong feelings about you and decided to be open about it. Like other posters my DP and I didn't waste any time in saying how we felt (after the first date!) - I had lost my DH a year before, and yes it was early days but life is what you make it, and that can include dealing with all the painful mixed emotions of lost love. You are going thru a 'bereavement' too, but are also rebuilding your life which is courageous!

It seems like it's early days re your break-up and you are probably still holding on to hurt from that. But I do think its good that you are getting on with your life, meeting new people etc.

Why don't you explain how you feel, the fact its still very early days and you want to take things slowly. See what reaction you get..

Thanks all...he seems sincere, and if you all feel there's a good chance he is sincere then he does deserve me to ave a chat with him. I do have feeling for him, no doubt. There is the potential for me to reciprocate his feelings and I want to give it a chance but I will leave it in his court to decide if he understands that I still have strong feelings for my xtbXH too.

I wouldnt necessarily divulge the fact you still have feelings for your STBx because those feelings may be tied up with the divorce and your man might misinterpret that as you continuing to be in love, which may not be completely true.

When your ex doesnt feed that love, it will diminish and probably, hopefully fade, that is the sad fact, but if you think your new relationship may have a chance, you would be better not closing the door on it by saying too much about that.

Why not just keep things light, enjoy things as they come and see how your feelings develop over time..

Well, I have been exchanging emails with the new man all afternoon and he mentioned not feeling like I was 100% in it so I took the opportunity to email him and be completely honest about how I felt. He took is amazingly well and thanked me for being honest. He said he will slow things down, but that he wants to take the chance to see what develops on my end and I feel a big sense of relief. He's on his way round actually.

In my case, I lost my stbXH to mental illness, so it does feel more like a bereavement than a divorce in a lot of senses and it always has. The husband I knew and loved disappeared and while I did try over a year to do anything / everything I possibly could, he is sucked so far down the rabbit hole that there's no way for me to reach him.

That has brought added layers of complication to my grieving process because although y stbXH is very much alive and well - he is most certainly not the man I married.

I think of myself as a widow in that sense, and I do think I will always love and miss my husband desperately and anyone I am with is going to probably have to accept and understand that as being very much a part of "me".

As a note- -he left me - he wanted to divorce. He had late onset bipolar. I'd have stuck by him if he had let me. As it is, due to his hurtful and bizarre behavior during a manic episode, my children never want to see him again which thus removes any possibility for reconciliation. It's been a very complicated divorce and not one I ever wanted.

I am so sad for you, Minion, it really does seem like a bereavement, Having been through the feeling of loss myself I can identify with it 100%. Although I was very much in love with my DH when he died, I developed a strong attachment to my DP which isnt a replacement love, it is a very unique love, so I hope you can move forward with your new man and build your own new unique memories together.

So pleased for you, it sounds very positive! Glad you could be honest and he took it well.

I am of the view that the person saying "I love you" should be sufficiently self aware to know if those words are going to be reciprocated, or at the very least, welcome. Someone said it to me in week 2, once. I didn't return the favour then, but felt very happy to hear the words and before I knew it, I was head over heels and the relationship lasted a very long time. It was also a healthy one.

I told my (now) husband after a few weeks, I think. He said it back. That was 12 years ago. I'd never have uttered those words had I thought they'd fall flat or be unwelcome.

Someone who says it when it is clear (or should be) that the other person is nowhere near that head space should be treated with caution.

Dh told me he loved me after 2 weeks and proposed after 4 weeks. 15 yrs on and 2 DC's later we are very happy. However if you aren't comfortable with things moving so fast, tell him he needs to slow down

Wow that's really sad :(
Honestly, this guy is coming on way too strong. It's not a red flag for abuse necessarily but it just seems very ill judged and immature to be saying that to a woman you have only been dating for 3 weeks. Then to say he didn't feel you were where he is - well duh! He's put you on the back foot and he's already questioning why you aren't feeling the same as him.
I think you honestly need to back off him a bit. I'm not saying dump him but cool it. Dates once a week, not 4 nights. Fill your time with other things and don't be messaging or speaking to him every night. You are filling a gap in your life with him and it's not really fair.
Despite this, he's a grown up and should take care of himself. However his silly declaration makes me think he's not emotionally mature enough to do that.

I just want to wish you well OP. You've had a wretched time and yes, worse than a bereavement in some ways.

New man sounds lovely. What's more you are enjoying life and having fun. You have been honest and hopefully he will respect all you have been through and go at your pace.

He might be The One or not but I wish you happiness as you move forwards. Have you had counselling about your feelings re STBXH? I think it's inevitable that you still feel for him deeply still. Maybe over time that will change and whilst still loving the person he was you will be able to love someone else as a life partner.

Good luck. And big respect for being where you are after only a year.

It wasn't a red flag for me. DH told me within a week. I'd been itching to tell him to, but was worried it was too soon, so was obviously overjoyed when he said it first.

For us it wasn't because we had a shallow definition of what love really is - it's because we clicked in a way neither of us had ever experienced before. Many years later, that love has grown, but it was definitely love we felt from the word go - we were both in our 30s when we met and knew exactly what we wanted in a partner. I consider myself very lucky.

Thank you Matildathecat, yes, I am having weekly counselling still to try and make peace with what hap penned. It's an abnormal sort of grief and an abnormal sort of divorce. Not that any kind is easy, but some days it does feel senseless.

The new man came over last night and he was very understanding and said he would slow things down a notch. He actually said he would not want to be with someone who could "quickly get over" a husband they loved so much who'd been lost to mental illness in such a way and he said he respected me for it.

Really glad I was just honest! Now if tears suddenly spring out of me I don't need to hide it and I can stop feeling guilty.

Glad you were honest. Was the best thing to do. Can also see why your x is taking a long time to get over. :(

Broadly I do think saying "I love you" really early is a bit of a red flag just because it cannot really be true - you can't know someone well enough to really love them after a few weeks/dates. It can also ruin a relationship by making it too serious too quickly. I take it as a sign of the person likely having issues, some issues are worse than others and it depends why they said it how much of a warning you should take from it.

But that said I think different people perhaps mean different things by it so it is always very important to clarify what is meant and not assume it means to the other person what it would mean to you. IME it can mean anything from I really fancy you, through I'm nervous about losing you to I want to share my life with you and am willing to make personal sacrifices to support you.

This relationship I am in has been confusing from that perspective really - having different ideas about what love is. Being told he is so in love and has never felt like this for anyone but then being casually stood up (stopped doing this now) and him not really making many real sacrifices for me I've concluded that perhaps his idea of love is relative to his experience - 2 fairly serious relationships in college and uni and mine is to mine 3 serious relationships of 3/4 years each all of whom I lived with, two with serious engagements, one marriage and two from which I have children. My idea of love is very likely to be at the more serious end, his less so.

With regards your guy perhaps your marriage has a part to play in what you understand when you hear love? Maybe he's not trying to make it quite as serious and therefore scary as you fear? He's never been married after all

I love you very early, a sense you are not fully in it and desperation to win you are a little red flaggy though. As his his age. He's 40. My bf is 28 which is slightly more forgiveable.

I am so sorry minion and think u absolutely did the the right thing in telling this new chap. he sounds very supportive and worth sticking with and seeing where it goes.

you sound like u deserve some fun

My new boyfriend said I love you 2 weeks in, I had been separated a year. I suggested we went out and had a few laughs and see how we felt in 6 months time. 6 months later we were engaged. .. 5 years on I couldn't be happier
your new man sounds lovely.
I'm sorry to hear about your stbxh.