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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Relationships

To think DH shouldn't have sent this text to his female friend

85 replies

stupidideastupididea · 04/04/2014 20:29

'that's ok, welcome to borrow anything if you collect wearing that top again (wink smiley)'

He actually showed me the text thread as she'd borrowed something of ours and sent him a picture of her ds using it saying thanks. Apparently she was wearing a low cut top

Think he'd forgotten his reply when he showed me - I said I thought it was out of order and that she must think he's an old perv but he insists that she's known him years and won't take it seriously.

I don't think there is anything happening with her but AIBU to think it's disrespectful to her and me or do you think it's a harmless joke?

OP posts:

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diddl · 05/04/2014 08:04

So she sent a pic of herself in a lowcut top-which I'm thinking she happened to be wearing, not that it was put on specifically for him?

And he more or less replied "great tits"?

I think that's an odd reply tbh.

FrontForward · 05/04/2014 08:10

She collect a borrowed item wearing a low cut top diddl. The picture was a 'thank you' showing her son with the item

(That's my take on it)

DrankSangriaInThePark · 05/04/2014 08:32

scarffiend, he didn't show her his bit of the message, he'd forgotten that bit was there.

Caught red handed being a sleazebag.

I am imagining what would happen if one of dp's mates said/texted something like that to me. I would obviously deal with it in the first place by telling the sleazeball to fuck right off. I would then tell dp that his mates needed changing.

Does this woman have a partner?

diddl · 05/04/2014 08:42

"and sent him a picture of her ds using it saying thanks. Apparently she was wearing a low cut top"

I assumed she was in the pic as well.

Tbh if it was about the top she was wearing when she collected it seems odder than ever because then the reply to the pic makes no sense really.

HexBramble · 05/04/2014 09:28

I have 2 male friends, one gay one straight. My gay friend might comment on my appearance, either generally or taking the piss, but my straight friend would never, ever make a sexual reference. I'd be if he did. And we rip the piss out of each other often so I don't have a sense of humour failure.

Sexual references are waaaaaaay crossing the line.

meditrina · 05/04/2014 10:09

It's crass.

But you say it's out of character, so it's far more likely that he's made a mistake than has been keeping a pervy/lowlife basic character hidden for years.

littlemrschatterbox · 05/04/2014 10:15

Looks like the sort of thing my old boss would text.

He is a perv. I'm used to it but it does get on my nerves as I am not in the slightest bit interested in him.

KateSMumsnet · 05/04/2014 10:26

Hullo all,

We're just going to move this to Relationships at the request of the OP.

TheMaw · 05/04/2014 10:33

YANBU, it's horribly disrespectful to you both. Has she replied?

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 05/04/2014 10:41

Oh fuck, that's horrible.

Poor woman. And poor you.

Friends are friends. Friends who you see differently because of their sex are not friends.

So he wouldn't send a text to one of his male friends making a joke about him looking hot, no? Even if it's only a joke? Then why is he doing it to one of his other friends simply because she's female? Answer: she's not a friend.

Crap, sleazy, inappropriate - a guy who doesn't understand how to be friends with anyone other than his own gender.

She won't have liked that unless she too isn't actually a friend of his but a flirt/fuck buddy. People generally don't like unsolicited leering when they're just going about their business.

I've got lots of male friends. This wouldn't happen with them and it would change things significantly if it did.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 05/04/2014 10:43

I think he's testing you. Sorry OP.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 05/04/2014 10:43

Oh and the next text in that thread would be an apology!

Comeatmefam · 05/04/2014 10:49

I've been really thinking about this one.

I have a good male friend (I have a few but was trying to think of my most inappropriate one!), known him nearly 30 years and we are very banter-y (jokey insulting emails etc). He's flirty but actually despite how well know we know each other and how flirty he is - he'd never say this.

I think your dh was out of order. And cringey.

RedRoom · 05/04/2014 10:51

I'm in consensus with pretty much everyone else. No, it's really not on. However, I do have a sleazy 50 year old married male relative who says things like this to women all the time, and his wife laughs it off. He finds any excuse for a bit of smut. However, you say he's not always like this, which makes it a bit more of a targeted bit of flirting, so that's what I'd be annoyed about. Married men have no business sending texts like this.

I don't think it's the end of the world, but I do think he needs to have his sheer stupidity (and the cringey dirty old man aspect of his behaviour) spelled out so he knows how much he has embarrassed you and himself.

Fairenuff · 05/04/2014 11:00

Have you had a look at other text messages he's sent OP? Maybe this isn't a one off?

iggy155 · 05/04/2014 11:11

I think it would depend on their friendship. If they have been friends for years and this banter has always gone on then I would say don't worry. in any case tell him you feel uncomfortable with him speaking to another woman like that and if he is a decent bloke he will take on board what you have said.

tribpot · 05/04/2014 11:18

I would be horrified to receive a text like that from any of my male friends. Maybe she wouldn't be appalled but it doesn't make it alright for him to have sent it. Sleazy and unnecessary.

Upnotdown · 05/04/2014 12:31

I'd be mortified. Would he speak like that to all of his female friends? If you wouldn't say it to a male mate, don't say it to a female one...Otherwise, you've overstepped the mark of male/female friendship.

stupidideastupididea · 05/04/2014 13:57

She didn't send a photo of herself just her ds, he was talking about what she was wearing when she came round to get it.

Thinking about it more it's not the fact that he noticed her top that bothers me but that he obviously wanted her to know that he had - just feels like he's crossed the line. I don't think she has replied and I checked earlier messages yesterday there weren't any others like that.

OP posts:

diddl · 05/04/2014 14:04

That is even worse then.

That he noticed & felt he had to tell her when she sent a totally unrelated pic.

Offred · 05/04/2014 15:30

Finding another woman attractive is not something I consider disrespectful to me or my relationship.

Perving on another woman whether you find them attractive or not is disrespectful to me, the ow, women in general and even more so when there are pervy comments being made.

If your h wouldn't comment on a man's tight pants in the same way he should know he is out of bounds.

JapaneseMargaret · 05/04/2014 20:47

Agreeing with the point a lot of others are making, that a lot of us might know the odd bloke who does regularly make smutty, innuendo-based comments, and it's accepted and laughed off by people and also by his partner.

However, if your DH isn't one of those types, then this really is a red flag.

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stupidideastupididea · 05/04/2014 21:50

A red flag for what? That’s he’s hoping for something more from her?

I haven’t mentioned it again since and am hoping it was just an innocent lapse of judgement but what worries me most is that he made such a point of letting her know he’d noticed when her message was completely innocent and unrelated.

He’s definitely not generally the smutty type you describe japanesemargaret, he has quite a few female friends and he banters and has a laugh with them but nothing that has ever concerned me and I’ve never known him to say something so blatant.

OP posts:

JapaneseMargaret · 05/04/2014 23:17

Well, only he knows what the red flag actually indicates, but something is clearly amiss, if he's not usually like this with her, and like this with his other women friends, etc.

Either he's bored and looking for a diversion, i.e. a bit of back-and-forth texting and nothing more, right through the spectrum to actually fancying her. He could be anywhere along that line.

The point is, that this is unlike him, and it's inappropriate within the context of a). his relationship with you, and b). his friendship with her.

It's not on.

Can you (or do you even want to) talk to him about it again?

stupidideastupididea · 06/04/2014 11:42

I don't think I would get any different answer if I asked about it again, I suspect he was just bored and looking for a distraction but will keep an eye out for anything else

OP posts:

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