cannot live with the shame any longer

[ayudamedios]

2 years of complete no contact and investing in my marriage and I feel very much in love with DH  I didnt ever think it would be possible to get back to anything like this but I do not think that I can continue. I had an affair which DH doesnt know about. This was three years ago and the more that I have invested in him and my marriage the more that I come to believe that I cannot continue without telling him the truth. I think it is because I have so much love for him and can see him again after feeling numb to him for so long that I just dont think I can continue to deceive him about what went on. I have been a lapsed catholic for years but have been attending mass for the last year or so and I dont know if it is that which is fuelling my desire to confess or if it is cause and effect. I feel so ashamed of my actions and the pain that I have caused to my family, OMs family. I am terrified to tell DH the truth but I dont feel as though I can go on if I dont. I dont think that he would forgive me. Why would he and Im so frightened of the impact on my 2 DDs but we are living a half life unless he knows the truth and he doesnt even know it. I would do anything to make this right again but I dont think that it can be fixed.

I lie awake thinking of all the hurt and pain Ive caused to everyone  the ripples of it just keep going and going. Is it selfish to confess  so that I can breathe again. What about DDs?

Has anybody been through this? What did they do?

[badbaldingballerina123]

People don't have the right to information , not even in a relationship ?

I'm astonished at that statement. Of course people have the right to information , especially information that personally affects them. It's up to me if I want to stay in a marriage with a unfaithful spouse , he doesn't get to decide that for me.

The Op is still working in her own best interest just as she was when the affair was occurring. I cannot fathom the cruelty in denying a person the right to make choices about their own life.

Maybe he doesn't want to know , it's easy to find out . There's enough of it on the tv to start a hypothetical conversation about it.

[FolkGirl]

Exactly bad.

[TheCraicDealer]

I've told DP that should he ever stray, feel bad about it and know that it was a mistake that I do not want to know. If I don't suspect anything I don't want to have the image of him with someone else in my head, I don't want to think back to events and think, "was he wishing she was here instead?". I don't want to know that he lied to me, I don't want to lie in bed when he's on a night out and wonder where he is.

My mum had an affair for a number of years when I was in my teens. She was crap at not being caught and it came out on a number of occasions after supposedly going "no contact". This really has impacted my view a lot. I've done the mistrust thing with my mum and if I had the option I'd rather not go through it again- it would only be amplified with a spouse. I do think that two years down the line is the time to be unburdening this onto your husband. It will colour everything positive that you say you've both worked so hard on since you made the choice to end your affair.

[FolkGirl]

Really, craic? So you'd be happy to live with someone and be intimate with someone who might be imagining being with someone else instead just as long as you don't know about it?

I'm really beginning to wonder if I've got it wrong...!

[FastLoris]

I'm a bit like FolkGirl in that I tend to take the agreements, understandings and vows that make up a relationship very straightforwardly. Also like her though, I don't necessarily think everyone else should be the same way, and I understand a lot of people aren't.

In this sense, I think a lot depends on what the OP is like and what implications the secret has TO HER. From what she's written here, I get the feeling she'll be gradually eaten alive by it and it will destroy her happiness and/or health and/or marriage in the long run anyway. If there's going to be such consequences, I think I'd probably prefer they at least be quick.

For me it's a bit different since neither DW nor myself are so concerned about absolute sexual monogamy. That just isn't the mainstay of what keeps us together. So while I'm not pretending it would be easy, I really don't think something like that, from either side, would break us up. It certainly wouldn't do so automatically.

Given the choice between a relationship that was honest and open but included an occasional dalliance elsewhere, and one that had important secrets and pretences but was absolutely sexually By The Book, I know which I'd choose. In fact it'd be a no brainer.

People make an awful lot of difficulty for their lives out of the significances they choose to ascribe to sex.

[TheCraicDealer]

If they were imagining being with someone else I'd like to think they'd have the guts to leave. But if, like OP, it happened, he felt awful, put it in the "box of things I'm definitely never going to do again", and I didn't suspect anything then I categorically do not want to know. There's nothing to gain from me knowing, especially so long after it happened. I would be angry that he told me after two years to be perfectly honest.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

FFS... how many women on MN gasp and fawn over that Cumberbatch bloke, talking about imagining being in bed with him. The same women would not be so happy for their partners to fantasise over another woman. It makes no difference whether a fantasy is on the tv or whether they are a 'real person', the reality is that the partner is thinking of someone other than the man/woman they are in bed with.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Sorry Craic, my post was 'inspired' by yours but not because of it. It just made me think despairingly of the hypocrisy and 'reframing' that goes on in the human psyche sometimes.

[gonnascream]

As someone who has been burned by infidelity, I suggest not telling him. Right now he is happy, and he probably knows something went on anyway. If a time comes when he asks you then by all means tell him. But dont shatter his world for it now. What happened happened. Telling him wont make it go away. Let him ( and you) be happy till a time comes when he asks. If that time doesn't come then so be it. I have never cheated but my husband did. It hurt like hell!!! I found out cause I knew it was happening and I asked (a lot). I believe that we are different people now, and if there is anything else I dont no, as long as its long in the past and not going to happen again id rather just get on with living my life. If something comes to my attention in the future then I'll deal with that then. But for now, if he told me anything, id be more mad that he didnt just keep it to himself (as long as it has no affect on my life now that is). Let the past go. Ur hsbnd obviously has, ur a different person now. That was then, this is now. He will only live once, just let him be happy. Ur relationship isnt a lie, everything else is solid, and the lie isnt the relationships foundation so ur not building a life on a lie. When he wants to no he'll ask, till then, make him happy because u love him and live your lives!! I hope you find peace x

[FastLoris]

I can understand CraicDealer's POV. I really don't see it as a moral thing, about how the person "should" own up because of some external standard of morality or rules.

It's more just a question of what being in a relationship means. If DW were hiding something like that from me, or I from her, the problem wouldn't be that hiding such things is wrong. The problem would be that we couldn't be having the kind of relationship we have in the first place.

I mean, wouldn't you have to keep watching what you say about certain subjects, events and people? Wouldn't you find yourself being asked a question and thinking "SHIT!... Quick, what's the official answer to that that I rehearsed and gave last time?" and so on?

I come home from work knackered I want to have a beer, sit down and relax and be myself. I don't understand how people can do that in that kind of situation.

[FolkGirl]

Lying You know, I've never fantasised about being with someone else either! I tried once, years ago because I thought it's just what people did, but it didn't work! I just couldn't do it!

I suppose that's just how blackandwhite I am about it...

[TheCraicDealer]

You're alright, Lying.

I would put money on the fact that OP's husband does suspect something happened. There will be some nugget of a memory of her telling him (prior to it becoming physical) about her feelings for someone else, and he brushed it off. The fact that he did not ask more questions then or since would suggest that he's also in the "don't want to know" camp.

[badbaldingballerina123]

Op you should have a read of this and seriously consider the possibility of it coming out at a later date .talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/134170-how-your-spouses-affair-discovered.html

If your considering confessing maybe he is too . Maybe he will. These things can come up years later and its ten times worse when you find out via a third party.It sounds like you've both done the classic rug sweeping about this. You were unhappy about the job situation , you met someone and actually told your husband you had developed feelings for him. He responded by stonewalling you. There's a reason you told him beforehand Op. How did you want him to respond ?

Have you spoken about these things , is communication now better?

[badbaldingballerina123]

Op I am questioning your reasons for wanting to tell him . It sounds to me that at the time you resented him for a number of reasons and didn't communicate well. I think your telling him about your feelings for the other man was a way to test him , or to get him to man up , or to fight for you or something.

Either way , by telling him you jeopardized your marriage the moment those words left your lips. That must have been very painful to hear and not something he is likely to have forgotten. On his side he did not handle that well. If I told my spouse I had feelings for someone else he would hit the roof and I don't doubt om would be told in no uncertain terms to stay away. His lack of reaction must have been upsetting to you.

Are you happy with the state of the marriage now ? I am of the opinion that really people should disclose , but I am wondering if you have other motivations for doing so ? What do you hope to achieve aside from relieving your guilt ?

[slithytove]

I have only read the OP.

Don't tell him. This is your punishment, having to deal with this internally. By doing so, you prevent him from feeling that pain.

Counselling and confession sounds great.

Don't risk your family for something you have (sounds like) made up for and regret wholeheartedly.

[slithytove]

Would like to add I would say the same to a bloke in these particular circumstances, nor if it were me would I want to know.

[PortofinoRevisited]

Why is then, that when the bloke has done it, absolute full disclosure is needed to get past these things. You fecking cheated OP. Own up to it and face the consequences.

[ayudamedios]

Oh gosh - so strange to see something so painful and personal debated like an academic exercise. I am none the wiser but will take time to absorb and reflect on everything that has been said. Lot's of questions to respond to. I don't know why now. I hoped it would fade into the past and I could spend my time making up for the wrongs. I don't know how I thought he would react to my disclosing the feelings - I think I wanted to be stopped - I was frightened by the force of what Ifelt. I wish I had insisted on discussing it further at the time. I. Instead I became infatuated with OM and probably gave myself permission because I tried to disclose. My actions were so ugly. OM was very hurt too.

[badbaldingballerina123]

Do you respect him Op?

I would find it very hard to respect him after his non reaction to being told of feelings for someone else. Is he generally quite passive ?

[MexicanSpringtime]

I'm in the "don't tell camp". And I am normally a person who believes in complete honesty, but all I can see is unnecessary misery for her husband. The affair was short and a mistake, the OP is so riven with guilt she is not going to do something like that again.

[ayudamedios]

I don't think I respected him very much at the time. There was a lot of resentment on both sides and I felt that he shrugged off responsibility and had left me to be the grown up in the marriage - paying all the bills, sorting childcare, running the house. We didnt touch each other and couldnt talk without a descent into arguing and at times physical intimidation which is massively out of character. I could not see the person I married. We were in a pit of misery. Divorce had come up in anger and he basically said he would go after everything. I was scared. He was at the time doing a fair bit of childcare s he'd lost his job and we had to reduce nursery hours while I worked FT to pay the bills. His mum would come and stay and rearrange my kitchen and cupboards and make space to leave her personal things but they wouldnt tell me so I'd get home rom work an d she'd be there. At the height of my paranoia I thought they would try and take DDs. But - things are si .different now

[BuzzardBird]

Well I am glad that you have come out the other side of what seems a horrible time but unless you want to go back there I would seriously keep it shut.

[tobiasfunke]

I think you need to forgive yourself. You personally seem to have taken the initiative to go to Relate and then go for counselling and get your marriage back on track. You didn't give up and get a divorce. IMO all that good is not undone by the fact you slept with another man when your marriage was going tits up.
Guilt is a horrible emotion that I suffer from very badly. I used to think I needed absolution for every tiny thing I did wrong otherwise I would feel such terrible shame. I have learnt as I got older that it is entirely self destructive to go over and over things. You have to learn from your mistakes and move on. If you decide not to tell him you need to reframe the whole issue in your head so that you can forgive yourself. That the affair was the catalyst that helped you work towards a good place and therefore for that reason was a 'positive' thing.

[Joysmum]

What right does anyone have to think they know best about what is right for another and take choice away from a person about what they want in life.

How can anyone have so little respect for anyone as to lie to them. If anyone has been the victim of cheating, they deserve to know because it up to then to then decide what they want to do. Nobody else has the right to impose their will on another by lying or omitting the truth. That's the worst betrayal, worse than cheating

[NeoFaust]

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

It's really that simple, in the end.