cannot live with the shame any longer

[ayudamedios]

2 years of complete no contact and investing in my marriage and I feel very much in love with DH I didnt ever think it would be possible to get back to anything like this but I do not think that I can continue. I had an affair which DH doesnt know about. This was three years ago and the more that I have invested in him and my marriage the more that I come to believe that I cannot continue without telling him the truth. I think it is because I have so much love for him and can see him again after feeling numb to him for so long that I just dont think I can continue to deceive him about what went on. I have been a lapsed catholic for years but have been attending mass for the last year or so and I dont know if it is that which is fuelling my desire to confess or if it is cause and effect. I feel so ashamed of my actions and the pain that I have caused to my family, OMs family. I am terrified to tell DH the truth but I dont feel as though I can go on if I dont. I dont think that he would forgive me. Why would he and Im so frightened of the impact on my 2 DDs but we are living a half life unless he knows the truth and he doesnt even know it. I would do anything to make this right again but I dont think that it can be fixed.

I lie awake thinking of all the hurt and pain Ive caused to everyone the ripples of it just keep going and going. Is it selfish to confess so that I can breathe again. What about DDs?

Has anybody been through this? What did they do?

Kids don't get destroyed by a broken marriage, they get destroyed by parents not behaving well to each other.

I, too, hate the whole "I don't want to destroy the DDs happy family life" as some sort of excuse for keeping shtum because the cheater didn't give any thought about that at the time they could have kept their knickers/pants on - in this case, not just once.

If you are telling him to make yourself feel better then that is not the right reason. (either to get it off your chest or punish yourself, or any other reason...)

If you want to tell him because you love him & respect him & want to be honest, then that is different. Be clear about why you are doing it as you will have to live with the consequences of either.

Hope you find peace.

lGoid

Where there's no suspicion don't tell is the professional advice and I agree with it.

Which is not the same as denial in the face of suspicion or evidence.

As someone who is dealing with the very recent aftermath of finding out about DH's affair I'm afraid I fall into the 'don't tell him camp'.

I wouldn't wish the pain I'm going through on my own worst enemy, not even the OW and her poor bastard of a cuckolded husband. Let alone someone I love.

If you say you have reinvested in your marriage and you now realise you love your DH, if you truly feel remorseful and know you wouldn't do it again, then I don't see the point of jeopardising everything just to alleviate your guilt. Just deal with it and accept it as a consequence of your selfish behaviour.

This may because it is all so raw for me atm. Maybe I'll change my mind in the future. But that's my current feeling...

Really, Jones? You would rather your husband had kept his affair a secret and just lied to you about it for evermore?

However great the pain and hurt, it's the betrayal and the fact it happened that hurts, not finding out about it.

I would always want to know.

At the moment, yes...

My world has crumbled round my ears.

I'm not at the point where I think this is the best thing that has ever happened to my marriage, it's a wake up call etc.

Because actually our marriage was pretty bloody good. DH was the one issues about other stuff, not even our relationship.

Maybe in time I'll feel differently. Not right now.

I think I remember your thread, Jones. You're hoping to work through it, aren't you?

See I didn't, and I wouldn't. I believe I have the right to know what sort of person I am with and I wouldn't choose to be with someone who cheated on me. I reserve the right to make that decision.

Upon finding out that our husbands had had an affair you made one decision and I made another. I sort of think the OP's husband should have the right to make that decision for himself too.

I hope you start to feel better soon.

If my wife had an affair 3 years ago but had gone no contact for 2 years and was committed to the marriage I wouldn't want to know about the affair. If she told me I would feel she was compounding one selfish act (the affair) with another (a confession to take away her own feeling of guilt). If the affair were still ongoing it would be another matter but this affair is clearly over and it seems unlikely you will stray again. So I am very firmly in the "don't tell him" camp.

Not to tell him seems like the pragmatic approach, but it's also to deprive him of choice in the matter - the choice as to whether he actually wants to be with someone who cheated on him. To do that would probably be even more self-serving, given that you (as an individual) are now quite happy. Tough choice.

It is not love that is driving your desire to tell him, it is guilt.
Telling him will show not him how much you love him, it will simply unburden yourself and cause a huge amount of pain.
It will not strengthen your relationship, it stands a good chance of destroying it.

If this was a very brief fling that is well and truly in the past, then leave it there and concentrate on making your relationship strong.

If I were on the receiving end and DH had had a ONS years ago, I would be furious with him if he told me, because what we have is wonderful, and him telling me would destroy that.

I'm a bit shocked by the don't tell responses. I doubt a man posting a similar story would be told to keep stum.

I don't buy the idea that affairs shouldn't be disclosed to protect the betrayed from pain. When people are doing this they are protecting themselves .

You won't destroy your children's lives by confessing , any consequences will be caused by you cheating in the first place. Your husband is a grown man he's quite capable of making his own decisions . To suggest people don't have the right to make choices about their own life is patronizing and offensive.

Yes, I think the "telling him now would just be selfish" argument conveniently ignores the fact that by telling him, she would actually be taking the risk of losing a relationship that she is by all accounts very happy with at present, and obviously doesn't want to lose. Its a bit odd to suggest selfishness when someone is risking all that.

The OP isn't being 'selfless' by keeping the secret as she is mostly being guided to do - she is just being pragmatic, and taking the more convenient route.

ola but your response is all about her and what she wants and what makes her happy.

What about her husband?

Or is that the point you were making?

Oh I don't know, it's been a long day, I'm tired!

Prh47bridge says very wise words I agree with him 100%
I have joined mums net to tell you this. Reading the discussions on mums net there is a lot of genuine caring advice. But the theoretical right thing does not always produce happy families.
You are forgiven stop punishing yourself move on

Folk - We're in agreement. I don't agree with the 'keep quiet about it' camp. I certainly don't subscribe to the idea that keeping quite is somehow the 'selfless' option. The idea that you are doing the other person a favour by not telling them just makes it easier to justify the more self-serving option to yourself.

OP do you worry that he will find out through someone else before you have a chance to tell him yourself?

There's no need for the drama regarding STI tests; OP can have those done herself. Assuming that she comes back 'clear' then there's no medical reason to confess to her husband.

OP... I'm also Catholic also lapsed and, if I felt the way you do, wouldn't hesitate to see a priest. You will truly regret it if you tell your husband now after this time gap. It's a Pandora's Box that will not close and, you stand to lose everything. Please, please, please get some RL advice and see if you can make up for what you did without wrecking your life and that of your family; it's just not worth it.

I'm so sorry for your pain, you need to heal and rebuild your sense of self because you have a very skewed and tainted vision of the person you are now, you've grown and you're remorseful. Sack cloth and ashes are completely unnecessary and so is the vicarious thrill that some seem to get from directing others to 'confess all' at no personal risk to themselves. Please don't do that.

Folkgirl I mean that she has wholeheartedly committed to her marriage. She made a terrible mistake under adverse conditions and she has spent a lot of time and energy trying to reinvest in her marriage.

We are 2 years down the line here - it is not like someone coming on and saying that her husband has just been caught having an affair - she has demonstrated her remorse and done all the things that mn posters usually say repairing a marriage is conditional upon.

I wouldn't want to know, of I could absolutely guarantee I wouldn't find out at a later date and if my dh had committed to never doing it again. If there is a chance he may find out then I agree the hurt of not being told would be awful. Difficult one.

I'm also Catholic (practicing, always practicing ). If you have not received a Sacramental Confession I think that is the place to start. Be reconciled to God and the community and then talk to a loving and prayerful priest. Almost certainly this kind of dilemma will not be new to him. I don't have advice except unburden your guilt in the Sacrament of Reconcilation and take it from there.

The OP is taking away her husband's choice it is true, but of course if he is one of the people who say they'd rather not know about an affair (assuming it is finished) then the choice of not knowing will be taken away if she tells...
It is. Bad job, you need to think how to make the best of it, it can't be perfect but I don't see why your relationship can't be good.
I would t want to know.

It's up to the OP what she does. If my husband were to have an affair, assuming that he hadn't been sloppy, careless and had taken precautions to protect my health, I wouldn't want to know. Perhaps it is one of those questions that needs to be asked upfront, along with "Do you want to be buried or cremated?"... never having to refer to it again.

If I decided to have an affair now, I would work very, very hard to make sure it wasn't discovered. I think it's discovery that is the hardest part; that and 'helpful' people giving you the news. If anybody has the right to impart the information it is the partner involved, nobody else's.

Pragmatism is not a vice and neither is discretion. Affairs really are happening in huge numbers and it is likely that one or more posters on this thread are currently blissfully unaware that their own partner is having an affair. It baffles me that some posters can be so obdurate and unable to accept other view points without insulting or posturing superiority over somebody else.

Nothing makes an affair 'right' because you can't change history. For that reason, I think that if somebody is committed to making their marriage work, it is a kindness to carry the burden themselves and ultimately forgive their own selfish actions in having the affair in the first place.

I think that people do not have a 'right' to information, to know every nuance and detail, not even in a relationship.

I also stand by the view that if you've never been 'tested' or in the position yourself, your view cannot be in any way balanced.

No, I know Partridge. That's why it's such a horrible thing to do. I read your last post and I pretty much agree with all of it... except that she betrayed him and he trusts her and he trusts that she never cheated on him and he's wrong.

And thats the sticking point for me.

I wouldn't advise anyone to do anything for a "vicarious thrill". I wouldn't want to tell someone I'd had an affair, so I wouldn't have one. Of course it would be nice to feel attractive and desired and all that, especially if things aren't going well in the marriage. But an affair is never the answer and it's always wrong.

I wouldn't want to hear that my partner/husband had had an affair, of course I wouldn't. But I wouldn't want him to have done it, have the knowledge that he'd done it and keep it from me for evermore. It makes everything else meaningless because the basic foundations of the relationship are based on a lie.

I had the opportunity to have an affair when I was very unhappily married. I didn't take it because I thought it was wrong, even though I did find the man concerned attractive.

I've also had the opportunity to be an OW with a man I also found attractive after my marriage had broken down. I didn't take that either.

I have said it before though, I am very black and white with certain things when it comes to relationships. I don't necessarily think other people should follow my model, and I wouldn't presume to tell anyone what to do. I do give my opinion and feelings on a matter though.

It's a crappy situation for the OP and one I would not want to be in.