cannot live with the shame any longer

[ayudamedios]

2 years of complete no contact and investing in my marriage and I feel very much in love with DH  I didnt ever think it would be possible to get back to anything like this but I do not think that I can continue. I had an affair which DH doesnt know about. This was three years ago and the more that I have invested in him and my marriage the more that I come to believe that I cannot continue without telling him the truth. I think it is because I have so much love for him and can see him again after feeling numb to him for so long that I just dont think I can continue to deceive him about what went on. I have been a lapsed catholic for years but have been attending mass for the last year or so and I dont know if it is that which is fuelling my desire to confess or if it is cause and effect. I feel so ashamed of my actions and the pain that I have caused to my family, OMs family. I am terrified to tell DH the truth but I dont feel as though I can go on if I dont. I dont think that he would forgive me. Why would he and Im so frightened of the impact on my 2 DDs but we are living a half life unless he knows the truth and he doesnt even know it. I would do anything to make this right again but I dont think that it can be fixed.

I lie awake thinking of all the hurt and pain Ive caused to everyone  the ripples of it just keep going and going. Is it selfish to confess  so that I can breathe again. What about DDs?

Has anybody been through this? What did they do?

[Bonsoir]

You have to live with the knowledge and keep it to yourself, OP. Confessing to your DH will not help.

[NotNewButNameChanged]

ludways - what is this "mutual trust" that the OP wants to regain? Trust hasn't been lost because her husband doesn't know!

[lesbican]

Guilt is an extremely difficult emotion to handle but unfortunately this is the punishment for your actions.

You only have two options. Forget it and move on - don't say anything. The guilt will ease.

Or admit it and prepare for a huge fallout and life change but rid yourself of the guilt

[FastLoris]

LongPieceofString -

If my DH had had an affair at any point in our relationship I would want to know.

But that's completely different! Your DH is a man and you're female. Men who have affairs are bad enough, but when they HIDE those affairs, cover them up, pretend everything's OK and do everything they can to avoid owning up even when challenged - then they are truly the most vile creatures imaginable. Not just cheaters but cowardly cheaters, who destroy their families and can't even take responsibility for it.

When women do the same thing, it's COMPLETELY different. The issue should be approached purely pragmatically, in terms of not getting caught, getting away with it, and managing to keep what you want at the expense of the man's right to know who is wife is sleeping with.

Surely you can see that? You can't have been on Mumsnet very long if you're still under the delusion that men and women should be held to the same standards!

[keepitall]

I too would divorce if I discovered an affair.

The right not to decide - I can actually see where this is going but it seems to me that its can only be used if you view the DH paternalistically, almost as a child who can have decisions made for him.

IE no harm done, what he doesn't wont hurt him, let sleeping dogs lie.

The relationship the husband has with the OP is built upon his understanding of his wife being someone who she isn't. It may remain that he thinks of her as a good mother, good partner etc but he wont think of her as faithful partner no more.

He has the right to have the autonomy to do what he wants with this information but he has the right to know.

And if she does otherwise and doesn't tell him she shouldn't have the support of a community of others to affirm what is an immoral decision.

[AutumnMadness]

FolkGirl, I understand. As I said, I can totally relate to the desire to know exactly what kind of person I am married to.

However, this is not the same for everyone. Not everyone would be prepared to divorce their spouse on the spot, particularly for something that happened quite a long time ago and has questionable practical relevance now. I am honestly not sure if I would be. But if I was not prepared to divorce like you, I would be left with a burden of sorting this pile of shit out. I would not have the right not to decide. I could not go on with my life like nothing happened.

All I am saying that I am suspicious of the motivations behind such confessions. I cannot say I have much respect for men who cheat on their wives and then go and cry on their wives' shoulders, confessing how horrible they are, especially if the wives are not in a financial situation that would allow them to just LTB. It can smack of immaturity and inability to deal with your own shit. Little boys running to mummy.

So in principle, I am not against telling. But this telling actually needs to benefit the recipient of the information more than the teller. For instance, perhaps the revelation will explain some big disagreements that happened in the past and left a lasting emotional impact.

[FolkGirl]

FastLoris You are, of course, correct.

I keep forgetting that, whilst I have incredibly high expectations of a partner and standards in a relationship nowadays I don't need to have the same high standards for myself. In fact, I can do pretty much whatever I want, and with whom, as long as a) I am not an OW in that process and b) keep it a secret from my partner.

Silly me.

[FolkGirl]

Autumn Yes, I think that sometimes people confess expecting to be forgiven because at least they have been honest and confessed, and then have just unburdened themselves onto someone else to ease their own guilt.

I suppose the OP knows what sort of person her husband is the best.

Presumably they've discussed fidelity. So, OP, I would say to you, if you know your husband would want to work through this because of conversations you've had previously, then maybe that would be a reason for not telling him. If, however, you knew it would be a deal breaker for him, then you should tell him and give him that opportunity to have control over his own life.

I always knew that fidelity was a dealbreaker for my exH. Oddly, almost more than it was for me. I always thought I might be able to forgive a drunked ONS (I wouldn't now though) and he always knew that he wouldnt. So I would never have cheated on him because, as much as anything, I had more respect for myself than to lie to him about it, let alone respect for him.

But then, I know I'm very black and white in terms of relationship things nowadays.

[FolkGirl]

I always knew he wouldnt

[ExcuseTypos]

I would want to know and I think your H has a right to know.

He can then make his own descisions.

I cannot believe the number of 'don't tell' posts. As others have said if the sexes were the other way round, posters would be screaming for you to tell.

[keepitall]

I actually feel sorry for the husbands/partners of those that are saying not to tell him.

I take it from the don't tell camp your stance is you would not tell your own partners if you had a brief affair that ended in the circumstances the OP states?

... So visa versa if your own partner cheats on you and no difficulties are evident in your relationship you would prefer not to know and carry on oblivious?

Like an answer to that from the dont tell posters

[FolkGirl]

More than that, if I did it, I'd have to tell. Not to unburden myself, but because I hold myself to the same exacting standards to those I hold others. And I wouldn't want to ever have to tell someone that.

[HoneyBadgerPersonified]

Suggest you try and go to counselling in the first instance, you may receive some more qualified advice with regards to the guilt and how you actually feel about your DH. Are you just 'in love again' because he's still with you and you feel grateful to him? Am not trying to be horrible but the worst thing to do would be to keep quiet and stay with him only to discover in 1/2/3 years time another affair materialises and it's that much more of both your lives wasted on a failing relationship. A counsellor will be able to help you work out if it's your DH you really want. How you arrange those appts in secret will be difficult though.
Second possible option, write DH a letter explaining everything - including your failure to tell him up to this point. Include with the letter a banner headline from a newspaper showing the day's date. Seal the letter and sit on it - if you can. You may find the writing therapeutic, you may find you cannot help but give it to him now. But if you choose not to give it to him the letter is dated for the future if ever finds out about the affair. My thinking behind that is: if I were to find out DH had had an affair years ago, which I had only just discovered, despite all his protests that it was 'just the once' I would struggle to believe him. Was it just one affair or are you only telling me about the one I've caught you out on? If you can then show him your letter, dated from now, presumably full of anguish and remorse, you may be able to convince him of the regret you are feeling.
I'm not condoning your actions, or saying he wouldn't be justified in leaving you, but I do admire your intentions to try and save your marriage.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

[keepitall]

Exacting standards - that is a lovely phrase for treating others as you wish to be treated.

If the OP wanted security and no disruption to the relationship she shouldn't have slept with another man, not once but twice.

Sorry if I sound harsh but infidelity should be treated with derision by everyone regardless of sex.

Informing someone they can sweep it under the carpet if it doesn't come to light and feel good about that decision because they hid it in the best interests of the partner who has been wronged is offensive and doesn't reflect well on this forum.

[rainbowsmiles]

You should tell him. Not to tell him is to continue the lie and remove his choice. The affair might be forgiven. If you tell him it allows you both the opportunity to live an authentic life.

The idea you can continue in a happy marriage with that level of deceit and guilt is crazy.
Living a lie is corrosive as you are discovering.

If you love your husband then you should allow him to live a truthful life.

If it were me and my husband let me continue a life built around a lie it would be the continued deceit which would kill it for me not the affair itself.

[Fairenuff]

OP what is it that is stopping you from telling him? You feel terribly guilty, you want to tell him, he obviously has a right to know and yet you have kept this a secret from him all this time.

Is it because you don't want to hurt him?

Or is it because you don't want to lose him?

[waterlego6064]

I can always see both sides on threads like these. Damned if you do and if you don't.

If you don't know what to do, then perhaps it makes sense to not tell for a while longer while you make up your mind. Once said, you can't unsay it.

I had an 'emotional' affair a few years ago. I did not meet the OM in person, but the contact I had with him was a betrayal of my marriage.

I told my husband because I felt he had the right to know. It seemed such a huge thing to be keeping from him and I couldn't live with it. I felt that he had the right to know who his wife really was, and to make a decision about the future in full knowledge. But that was a massive risk to take because we have children together and their happiness was at risk, as well as my husband's and my own.

It was AWFUL. He was incredibly hurt and angry, and it took us a long time to repair the damage between us. I thank my lucky stars that he decided he could forgive me and move on. I don't think everyone would have been so patient and understanding. And I don't know whether he could have forgiven if it had been a physical affair.

So....I don't know what you should do. It's really, really hard to know. I wish you all the best, whatever you decide.

[Partridge]

I wouldn't tell. You are obviously full of remorse and it seems highly unlikely you would do it again.

If you were having many affairs or inappropriate relationships I would feel completely differently, but you sound in a really good place (apart from the guilt) and you stand to jeopardise that.

[Ludways]

Notnew, I've read that back and it doesn't make sense, I'm not sure what was going through my mind at the time, I can only assume I meant she wants to prove to herself she can be trustworthy. People can see she is remorseful and we can see she wants to make a success of her marriage. Only she can tell what this will take, telling him and hoping for the best or not.

[FolkGirl]

Damned if you do and if you don't.

Absolutely!

I don't believe that affairs/ONS ever 'just happen'. There is always that point where someone is aware they have got close to the line/feel flattered/haven't sent the text or email/are still wearing all their clothes and they have a choice in that instant to do it, or not do it.

[ayudamedios]

To give all of this some context. We tried Relate but it was disastrous - we didn't even get past the first session. I then went and had 6 months of counselling. He knew that I was going to counselling - we were deeply unhappy and had been for a long time (well before the affair) due to financial and work problems and him failing to hold onto his job twice over. I was working FT and supporting us all financially - I digress but I have been to counselling to talk all of this through. I think I understand what may have motivated me.

I took some good advice from mumsnet to break the cycle with the affair itself and to go no contact and throw myself back into my marriage and working through the structural problems that were making us all unhappy.

Those times were very dark. I struggle to believe that was the same two people. Things happened which I can hardly believe - there was the deceit of the affair from my side but also other financial lies and covering up - there was no communication. We lived in teh same house, spoke about DD and otherwise may as well have been living separate lives. NONE of this means that my actions were anything but horrific.I do know that.

I want to confess so that we have one chance of living a true existence together. I think he will leave me and that terrifies me but I love him very much and I just don't wannt to lie to him anymore. I owe him the truth (even if it is so late in the day). I don't expect him to forgive me. The biggest block is the impact that it will have on the DC - if I destroy their lives by this admission - am I being selfish. Should I just shut up and put up and carry the weight with me? I'm terrified of losing him. But also disgusted by the prospect of carrying on living a lie forever more. It isn't healthy. I'm frightened that my family will disown me. But in some respects I have to take whatever the consequences are don't I?

[FolkGirl]

Partridge but she wouldn't be jeopardising it by telling him, she jeopardised it when she had the affair in the first place. The damage is already done, her husband just doesn't know about it.

This is no different to when women feel that they are tearing the family apart by leaving an unfaithful/abusive man. She is always told that she isn't tearing it apart by leaving/kicking him out and that he tore it apart when he betrayed the marriage vows in the first place.

I would really like to know why the advice/responses are so different on here when it's a woman who has strayed and not a man!

[ormirian]

Oh lordy, I don't know. I would want to know. I did find out and as it happens it was the best thing that could have happened as regards our marriage - we got to clear out the cobwebs and turf out our skeletons (one of which was my EA many many years before which ironically I hadn't disclosed).

But I won't lie - it hurts hurt hurts. Even now nearly 2 years down the line I still get bad days. But it was the affair that was the problem, not the confession.

Regarding my EA (it hardly merits that description and it wasn't till H had his that I realised it could even be classed as an 'affair' of any kind) I used to keep it tucked away in a little dark cupboard in my mind and when H and I had a row or just one of those patches where we weren't communicating well and weren't in tune, I used to open the cupboard and have a look. It made me feel better, it made me feel superior in some way (well he might not be nice to me but remember when....?), it made me feel that my marriage wasn't quite as important as all that. The perfect get-out clause. So instead of being all in with a marriage that was all the more important now that we had kids, I had a toe out of it. Not consciously but I realise now it was quite damaging. It's vitally important for me to have life of my own away from the marriage, but not one that had the potential to suck the life out of it in the way that an affair has.

It also allowed me to justify my behaviour in my own mind - if he was more passionate, if he was more of an equal partner, if he showed he loved me more... etc etc. And none of those statement ever got to see the harsh light of day or be challenged by H.

I think you have to accept that confesson carries the obvious risk. It seems to me that men find it harder to forgive sexual infidelity - I've seen some pretty hardline responses from men on infidelity forums. But you know your H better than anyone here does. I can see it must be hard to take that risk if your marriage is great now....but honesty is a massively valuable commodity. 2 years down the line from here you have the chance of a more honest, open, equal, stronger marriage which will look very different from the one you have now but only you can decide if the risk is worth it.

Sorry for the essay x

[StrawberryGashes]

He has a right to know and to decide whether or not to stay with someone who is capable of having an affair behind his back. You didn't care about the impact it would have on your DD's when you had the affair so don't use that as the excuse to hide it now.

If you are both in such a good place in your relationship you may be able to work through it and come out the other aide stronger.

[ormirian]

BTW ayudamedios, the marriage you describe sounds quite like ours for the years preceeding H's affair. One of the things that most pissed me off about it was the it happened just as we began to get clear of financial issues and H got a well-paid secure job. We had fought through the mire and he pushed us back into another kind of mire.