Is DH’s EA finally over? Or am I kidding myself AGAIN?

[Witchazel]

Sorry – long one, but you need the background… My DH has been having an Emotional Affair on and off since Spring 2009.

Prior to 2009 I had never really doubted my DH’s commitment to myself and our children. He is kind, sensitive and generally everything was working well, sex life OK for post kids (as in: no longer at it like rabbits, but still enjoyable and plenty on offer). He is not the most ‘dynamic’ of men and never particularly romantic or demonstrative, but I accept that a lot of blokes just aren’t like that.

We have been together for 21 years and married for 15. We have two DCs: 11 and 7 yrs who adore him and he is a fantastic Dad. They would be utterly devastated if we split up. I had a taste of this in 2011, as I briefly left him (took kids with me).

We both suffered a series of knock backs and tragedies between late 2008 and summer 2009: several deaths of friends and family, his redundancies (3 in a row) and my illness with auto immune underactive thyroid (I had a lump in my neck and cancer had to be ruled out).

He has a fairly humdrum day job, but is also a singer and guitarist, gigging regularly in the evenings. He met the OW through the music scene. I actually encouraged him to go out and find other musicians to play with. They met in Spring 2009 and by August she was texting him all the time (missing him terribly and that he is her soul mate etc) while we were on our family holiday. I had a miserable two weeks. Confronted him and he denied everything, saying it was just a friendship and I was acting like a jealous nutter. After a while I managed to get enough evidence together to prove that they are having EA and he admitted it. Felt for a while like we were getting somewere…

Since that time it has been a rollercoaster ride of discovering texts / emails / Facebook messages or posts on music sites, me confronting him and getting angry, him being remorseful and stopping all communications, several months pass and then suddenly we are off again… It has definitely not been a constant (I have written evidence of this from her), but basically either one puts out a line and the other will eventually crack and bite it.

The last discovery was in October. Most of it was played out on Facebook. He has a music page and uploads YouTube videos and she does the same. In fact, they both have several pages/groups. So even if he blocks her (has done several times) they can still see each other on other pages. She has a habit of setting up new IDs. Their conversations are a mixture of music chat and icky romantic talk (the kind of which I never get!).

So… In October I told him I had reached the end of my rope and it’s now ‘last chance saloon’. Any more contact and I will take steps to end our marriage and that he will have to leave. I am sick of constantly having to trawl through his phone and laptop periodically. Our sex life is miserable. I cannot bear to be touched by him.

Since Christmas he has become very grumpy and withdrawn, short fuse with the kids and started writing poetry (on yet another Facebook page). Some of it is about us - pleasant lighthearted stuff about our family, but others are dark, depressing, mournful and I am convinced those ones are about her. I found a poem written last Mon on his laptop which has not yet been uploaded (never will be?), but I cannot yet decide if it’s actually closure on their relationship ...or not. I have shown it to a good, level-headed friend who knows both of us and she thinks it looks like closure and that I should hang fire, rather than blow the lid off (yet) again.

[KristinaM]

Are you married, hazel? I know you said DH but some people write that when they actually mean DP

You need to get some proper legal advice re house, savings, pensions etc

[Witchazel]

Yes married 15 years. Can't visit solicitor with DCs next week, but will set up appt the week after.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Yes- get your ducks in a row. You need your name in that mortgage.

In the mean time...let him do the poo clearing I say...

[Witchazel]

BTW I am feeling fab today - could not give a FF about OW - thoroughly preened myself this morning and feel quite attractive. Nowt to do with him (but he prob thinks it IS), starting to think ahead ;-)

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

That's the spirit :)

[mammadiggingdeep]

Good for you :)

[TemperamentalAroundCorvids]

Don't know how vital it is to get your name on the mortgage - the marital home is classed at marital property and you should have a claim on it anyway, regardless of whether you are on the deeds (which are surely more important to be on eventually, unless you end up with a court order allowing you to stay till DCs 18). I don't have first hand experience though, as this house was jointly owned (outright) before the settlement, and solely owned by me now.

Obviously something to discuss with sol. :)

[LilyBlossom14]

I thought if you were married the home is a marital asset regardless of whether your name was on it.

[VodkaJelly]

Never hurts to have a Plan B in place.

[SolidGoldBrass]

OK, there is a Plan C, or at least another option. WHich is that you sit him down and say that because of his obsession with this woman, you consider that your marriage is over. However, you are prepared to carry on living in the same home and being a family but that you will be dating other men.
THen go on a date or two, as quickly as possible (it doesn't matter what kind of bore, minger or freak you date - though follow standard safe-dating rules) to make it clear to him that you are no longer his safe parking spot. And be completely open about this. Tell everyone that you and H are now co-parents as you get on well as a family, but the actual marriage is over and you and he are both seeing other people.

THis may not be the way you want to do it, but it might be worth considering.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

I think Plan C has a lot of merit, but get your financial ducks in a row first.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Can you register matrimonial home rights on the title deeds of the property by contacting the Land Registry? think I've read you can do this yourself or get help from Citizens Advice. You can do that before anything else.


You've tolerated this yo-yo EA for so long, hoping he'd come to his senses of his own volition.

I think getting the point across that you are now set to go dating would be a huge wake up call.

His efforts this weekend whether prompted by reading this thread or not were too little too late.

[EverythingCounts]

I think Plan C has merit. It allows you to consider a possible life beyond him, and gets him to realise how unfair his expectations have been.