Sorry – long one, but you need the background… My DH has been having an Emotional Affair on and off since Spring 2009.
Prior to 2009 I had never really doubted my DH’s commitment to myself and our children. He is kind, sensitive and generally everything was working well, sex life OK for post kids (as in: no longer at it like rabbits, but still enjoyable and plenty on offer). He is not the most ‘dynamic’ of men and never particularly romantic or demonstrative, but I accept that a lot of blokes just aren’t like that.
We have been together for 21 years and married for 15. We have two DCs: 11 and 7 yrs who adore him and he is a fantastic Dad. They would be utterly devastated if we split up. I had a taste of this in 2011, as I briefly left him (took kids with me).
We both suffered a series of knock backs and tragedies between late 2008 and summer 2009: several deaths of friends and family, his redundancies (3 in a row) and my illness with auto immune underactive thyroid (I had a lump in my neck and cancer had to be ruled out).
He has a fairly humdrum day job, but is also a singer and guitarist, gigging regularly in the evenings. He met the OW through the music scene. I actually encouraged him to go out and find other musicians to play with. They met in Spring 2009 and by August she was texting him all the time (missing him terribly and that he is her soul mate etc) while we were on our family holiday. I had a miserable two weeks. Confronted him and he denied everything, saying it was just a friendship and I was acting like a jealous nutter. After a while I managed to get enough evidence together to prove that they are having EA and he admitted it. Felt for a while like we were getting somewere…
Since that time it has been a rollercoaster ride of discovering texts / emails / Facebook messages or posts on music sites, me confronting him and getting angry, him being remorseful and stopping all communications, several months pass and then suddenly we are off again… It has definitely not been a constant (I have written evidence of this from her), but basically either one puts out a line and the other will eventually crack and bite it.
The last discovery was in October. Most of it was played out on Facebook. He has a music page and uploads YouTube videos and she does the same. In fact, they both have several pages/groups. So even if he blocks her (has done several times) they can still see each other on other pages. She has a habit of setting up new IDs. Their conversations are a mixture of music chat and icky romantic talk (the kind of which I never get!).
So… In October I told him I had reached the end of my rope and it’s now ‘last chance saloon’. Any more contact and I will take steps to end our marriage and that he will have to leave. I am sick of constantly having to trawl through his phone and laptop periodically. Our sex life is miserable. I cannot bear to be touched by him.
Since Christmas he has become very grumpy and withdrawn, short fuse with the kids and started writing poetry (on yet another Facebook page). Some of it is about us - pleasant lighthearted stuff about our family, but others are dark, depressing, mournful and I am convinced those ones are about her. I found a poem written last Mon on his laptop which has not yet been uploaded (never will be?), but I cannot yet decide if it’s actually closure on their relationship ...or not. I have shown it to a good, level-headed friend who knows both of us and she thinks it looks like closure and that I should hang fire, rather than blow the lid off (yet) again.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Is DH’s EA finally over? Or am I kidding myself AGAIN?
Witchazel · 14/02/2014 16:17
One of the things I find deeply irritation about these married men ( and women ) with their " grand passion" for their OM /OW is that they believe that they are are powerless against this attraction for someone else. That none of the rest of us in relationships have ever been attracted to someone else. That it's so easy for us to remain faithful. Its so hard for them. Such bloody drama queens 
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Oh right he has picked up you're dogs shit so you have to forgive him
You are really not getting this are you-he has cheated on you for 5 YEARS!!!! Its irrelevent whether or not they have had sex. If he was truly sorry he would never have any contact with her ever again but he has quite clearly shown you that this is not going to happen.
He is not a good father or husband. He is a selfish shit and they rarely change but its your choice whether to accept this or not.
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