Passive Husband

[Elmia]

Currently at my wits' end; exhausted and not sure of the way forward.

Have been married to husband for nearly 10 years and we have two daughters 8 and 6. I am at the stage where I cannot deal with my husband's passive nature regarding every matter in our lives, or take on yet more responsibility. However much I talk to him about how I'm feeling, and how I feel he needs to step up 'to the plate' as a husband and father nothing changes.

The thing is I feel as though I have married a wife rather than a husband - and a 1950s one at that. While my husband is good with the children, cooks, and does the shopping every now and then he does absolutely nothing regarding any other aspect of our family: managing the finances, planning the future, organising the children and the home, ensuring that things get fixed and sorted (and I'm not talking DIY -rather every day to day issue).

Basically he just does not initiate or take responsibility for anything - which of course means it all falls in my lap. One indicator is that he does not have one single household bill in his name, and has absolutely no idea about any of the household expenditure (or even how much we owe on the mortgage). He doesn't even open the post from the building society when it arrives - as he knows I will deal with it, file it, action it. We recently were in the process of moving - and I had to deal with every single aspect of the mortgage, solicitors, estate agent etc etc. It got so stressful that I made the decision to pull out (the new house also needed lots of work and I just knew that he would not initiate or oversee any of that). I have to manage everything - as he just does not know how, to or want, to take charge.

I have tried to encourage him to take responsibility. We need a new sink in the bathroom - yet 6 weeks on, he still has not sorted a replacement. It's painful - as I know I could have sorted it within a couple of hours - a few phone calls, and an order.

We both work full time, yet I feel resentful as he gets to do all the 'nice' stuff with the girls, while my time out of work is dealing with 'life' stuff that needs sorting.

His passiveness is driving me to distraction. Had it not be for me we would not have ever bought a house, or even had children, as he initiates nothing in our lives - aside from taking the girls for a cycle ride at the weekend.

I am just exhausted. Yet whenever I bring up the subject he goes on the defensive and says he feels attacked. He just can't see how draining it is for me to take on board all the big stuff.

I have thought about divorce as our relationship just plods along and is wrong in so many other areas (he also shows no love or affection, and only takes me out for a treat on my birthday once a year - and we haven't had sex for 5 years) - yet I would even have to initiate and manage that whole separation process, as I can't even imagine him filling out a form, let alone seeing the process through from his side. And even counselling doesn't appeal - as I would have to organise that and do all the work. I also worry that my daughters are witnessing a dysfunctional family - where the husband does nothing except the nurturing.

I just feel empty, drained, and hacked off. I so want to be take care of.

"I don't want to get divorced if I can possibly help it - as I worry for my daughters".

And what is so wrong with getting divorced exactly?. One day your DDs will leave home, as soon as they are able as well to if they keep living in an unhappy atmosphere like this. What then for you if you are still with Mr Passive Man?.

I'd be worried for your daughters now because they are learning about relationships from the two of you. For your own reasons neither of you have ended it and have bumbled along unhappily for at least the last five years. Why?.

I'm really sorry. The passive/lazy thing is one thing, but not sex for five years either? Doesn't sound like your relationship is much fun on any level. So your choices are:

• stay with him and accept that things won't change
• stay with him and draw up list of things that have to be done. Give half to him./discuss which you will each do. Do not do his.
• stay with him and have counselling if he will go *leave him *trial separation

You sound very capable. You will survive fine as a single parent!!

Well, for a start, stop being pushed into the role of Busy Dragon Mummy while Mr. Feeble gets to have the fun (hmm, maybe not so feeble after all? He's certainly got things set up very comfortably for himself...)

This weekend, there won't be a bike ride. No, you and your daughters will be going to the cinema together, because Daddy is going to be VERY busy this weekend, far too busy to ride bikes. He has a new sink to order! And a whole LIST of chores to do, as Mummy has done soooo many of all the grown-up jobs for the last few decades days!

If Mr. Passive suddenly starts kicking off, I think you have a good indication that all this helplessness is entirely deliberate.

And whichever way it pans out, you more than need to take your slice of fun time with your children, while you can, while they're small.

I didn't see your last post.

He attacks you?

Fine. You say:

'This is me at the end of my tether. Start to listen and start to talk, because if we can't sort this, I am off. And i don't think you want that. Your life would be a hell of a lot harder if you were on your own, compared to staying in this marriage and pulling your weight. But it's your choice, and if you want to keep on using tantrums to get me to shut up, I'll shut up... and talk to a solicitor instead.'

Does he have some kind of personality disorder? He needs to see a psychologist by the sound of it. If he won't see one and get assessed, kick him out.

I think you need to at least try counselling to flush out what the issues are, and agree a way forward.

Lazy
Entitled
Self indulgent
Passive

He sounds like a nightmare.

Do something fun with your DDs this weekend. Museum, cinema, shopping, zoo, whatever.

Bruno has some good advice I think.

I totally agree with Bruno. Some very good advice there.

Elmia,

re your comment:-

"I guess I don't know which way to turn - as we can never discuss it, or I feel as though I can never air my concerns - as he just flies off the handle and says I'm 'attacking' him".

Verbally closing you down is a tactic employed to great effect by emotionally abusive men. Its worked hasn't it; you now feel that you cannot say anything at all. Oh he has this down to a fine art, he is acting like this deliberately and also because he can.

You cannot change him but you can certainly change how you react to him. Talking to a solicitor as well would be helpful to you.

You know what I'm just exhausted - and the the thought of organising a divorce on top of everything else makes me buckle. I know it means I will be rid of this passiveness (or passive aggressiveness that some of you have pointed out), and I agree with others who say he won't ever change. I'm also very worried how it will affect my daughters - who absolutely adore him.
You have all got me thinking though - and I'm glad you think it's not me in the wrong; as that is what he has led me to believe all these years.

Yet I would hesitate to agree. I have a son who I know will be just like that. He was diagnosed very late as having mild asperger's. He cannot organise anything, he simply cannot, yet he is kind, loving, good-looking, funny, loyal - and what has also worried me is that although young he really has never been desperately interested in sex. I have hoped and prayed that one day he will meet a young woman who is strong and capable enough to cope with role reversal, because what I fear for most is that he will lead a life of extreme loneliness. It's not laziness, it's being incapable of remembering to do anything at all without being prompted. Does that ring any bells? Also a dreadful short-term memory.

I have often thought that although I should not ineterfere when he does finally meet someone important to him, I really should warn them. Maybe not. It's so hard. Would you?

I'm glad you think it's not me in the wrong; as that is what he has led me to believe all these years.

Well in that case I agree with the other that he is not just passive, but that he is passive aggressive.

He likes it just the way it is.

Instead of organising a divorce, why don't you just stop organising him as much? Make sure things are done for you, but let him stew in his own inactive juices for awhile. I'm absolutely positive there are a hundred and one things that you do to make his life smoother every day. Unless they also make your life and your DC's life smoother, stop doing them!

The way it will effect your daughters is that you are showing them life and all that goes with it, is woman's work.

Men get to do the nice bits while women suck up the drudgery.

What would you say to your daughters in this position?

Oh OP I read your OP thinking, OMG are you me???? Except I was you, until I kicked him out last summer.

My STBXH never opened a single bit of mail, had no bills in his name, never looked at a bank statement (when I met him he had no bank account - red flag anyone? so he joined onto mine but continued to see it as 'my responsibility' throughout our marriage - FFS) but was happy to moan about not having any money at the end of the month (haha!!) seems laughable now.

My STBXH would never want to take the kids for a cycle ride though. He did do it, but would not do that by himself or see it as 'fun'. He barely lifted a finger around the house (although would be happy to tidy the bit of the house viewable-from-the-sofa-whilst-watching-telly: that bit he could manage). Barely ever cooked, never washed up, or vaccumed, or did any repairs/DIY (although constantly wanted to buy a big house 'to fix up' which I point blank refused, much to his annoyance(!), never helped with homework except under explicit instruction, refused to put the kids to bed or read to them (both kids have SEN). In his defence he did put the bins out though...

All this was served up with a side helping of feeling hard done by (because I frequently worked approx 50% weekends in a job he said he wholeheartedly supported leaving him to Actually Look After His Own Children) and anger, with the odd bit of verbal abuse.

After giving him a few ultimatums I suddenly 'lost it' and left. I suspect you will do the same, although you are not ready to do it yet. I recognize that feeling of utter exhaustion. I think that once you are ready you will go. But you are extremely resourceful and so it will take a long while yet.

Anyway, I find myself being infinitely happier now. And I manage to put the bins out myself too, thanks to a reminder on my phone.

My STBXH's contribution to our separation and divorce? Nil. He can't even be bothered to Google it!!!! This allows him to remain in 'victim mode' You are right, you'll have to sort that out too...

OP, you and him are teaching your daughters how relationships work. Woudl you like them to end up in a situation like yours ? Choose a manipulative and lazy man just like their father ? It's on the cards, for sure.

Yes, be very worried for them

He has abdicated his responsibilities towards you and all aspects of family life that he sees fit.

You have all the disadvantages of being a single mother with none of the advantage, and all of the disadvantages of being married with none of the advantage.

Resentment and exhaustion caused by shouldering an unequal share of the burden of family life will simmer away, bubbling over at all the wrong moments in all the wrong ways making you look unreasonable while Mr Passive has everybody feeling sorry for him being married to a shrew.

He's the fun parent while you're exhausted. How will your daughters view that as they grow older? Do you think they will see your reality and understand, or do you think they will see their quiet, unassuming, fun dad getting an undeservedly hard time from their nagging, grumpy mother? Dig up your self esteem from whatever pile of crap he's buried it under and LTB.

No sex for 5 years? That is enough......You're already bringing up 3 children, one less won't make a difference.

He sounds passive aggressive. Secretly glad to watch you do it all, let you worry about it all, become ever more stressed. Denying you affection, too? No sex?! takes you out once a year?! Your 'I so want to be looked after' comment is so poignant. This kind of relationship will erode your happiness more and more in years to come. If theres absolutely no way you can see him changing (I dont believe passive aggressive men ever do) then it seems to be a case of ending the relationship, or making a life for yourself that involves your own hobbies, interests etc aside from him. I wonder what would happen if you didnt always 'grab the reins?'. Would he really let everything go to pot....?

My mother always did everything, my dad was passive. She booked holidays, worked, everything at home, very capable like you. But the difference was there was love there, still is. And respect, both ways. She must have got something out of it- doesn't sound like you are.

A lot of this rang a bell with me. I have posted previously on my own thread about how my dh is lazy and takes no responsibility. He is currently out of work and I think has been taking his time to find something, not trying as hard as he could have. I am suffering with depression and anxiety and he has done a little more recently, but at night I dream about a life alone when my youngest has left home. I don't want to constantly be looking after dh like another child.

I sympathise and will watch this thread with interest. Sorry I can't be more helpful.

How would you feel if your daughters' were in a relationship with a similar dynamic as yours?

You have not had sex with your husband for five years because you don't have sex with your mother.

He sees you in a caregiving role and not as a partner.

I divorced my X over this. It was easy for him to blame any woe on me then as he had taken no decision over anything and left it to me. It was terrible pressure. Used to turn around and say, well you did xyz, despite the fact I had practically begged him for an opinion when he'd refused to do anything!

It is awful behaviour and incredibly childish. I'm not really seeing what you get out of this relationship?

You don't need to organise a divorce immediately. He needs to learn to look after himself, which he seems to be doing very nicely by forcing you to do it all, and by ensuring it is never ever ever discussed fruitfully. Clever boy, eh?

You could start with one push - find him a room or small bedsit to move into and separate. Then he can be Disney Dad every other weekend, while you can rebuild the relationship with your children. You'd still be doing everything but I bet it will actually be a lot easier.

After a few months, you will know much more clearly what you actually want.

This is just as bad as a man who controls everything either because the woman does not want to "worry her pretty head about things like that" or because the hubbie is a control freak. I do think partners should go over their finances together and have a joint account for bills etc.

When my mum's parents died (when she was 16) she had to take over control of all the bills. Although when she got married they had a joint account, she decided to leave all the finance to my dad (who was not as good with money). Luckily, he must have had an inkling about his health because my brother and I went through accounts and who to contact when dad died, he had left most of it quite tidily, including finding most of his passwords on the computer because he used to order stuff online for mum.

However, I am amazed at the women who leave it all up to their hubbie - what happens if he leaves/dies????