Boyfriend staying over at my house with children here; advice please!!

[Iwantavwcamper]

I've been seeing a lovely guy for about a year, my first relationship after being on my own for three years (husband left after I discovered two year affair, we had been married for 16 years, together for over 20).
Anyhow, I'm now a single parent with three children living with me full time, aged 18,14 and 12. I'd like some advice/thoughts on my boyfriend staying over at my place. This hadn't happened yet (I have stayed over at his place many times) and it feels like it would the next right step. However I'm worried about how my children might react if he stays here. He has met my younger two several times, been here for dinner etc. but my oldest 18 year son hates the thought of me being in another relationship and will not meet the guy and had been very clear that he would find it unacceptable for him to stay in our house. I've got some weekends coming up and Christmas when I don't have child care for my younger two and it would be great to have him stay here with me but I don't want to cause big problems with the children. Has anyone got any thoughts or been through similar? Thank you so much.

I wouldn't ask an 18 year old offspring if s/he wants you to be alone for the rest of your life - that's a question posed rhetorically when in fact it would suit him very well for you to remain single as it will (I suspect) be some years before he can see you as an adult rather than just 'mum'. I've been divorced for yonks, and when I (briefly) had a BF, friends would exclaim how happy my (late teen) DCs must be for me - er, no! They had no concept that I might want/need any more emotional fulfilment than that offered by being their mum!!

As the oldest, your 18yo is probably feeling quite protective and defensive of any that would come near you! You need to talk to them and explain that this new man makes you happy and

I think explain to your eldest that you understand that they feel hurt but this is not going to go away. Also, that this not "just as bad as him", may even explain that this comment was actually quite hurtful and you aren't setting out to hurt him.

I agree with justalittlegreen - build up to staying overnight by having your BF come around for dinner where all the DCs attend?

Oldest son really feels that I made marriage vows once and that then means that I shouldn't have any other relationships (even though it was his father's actions that ended the marriage).

This attitude seems really strange for a young man, even when its his mother. Does he not understand that your marriage is over and has been for a long time? Is he under the misapprehension that you might get back together if his dad sees the light?

As everyone else has said, this is not acceptable, your DS needs to be told that you are entitled to a life of your own and to entertain your serious and long-term boyfriend in your own home. I'm assuming you would be happy for your DS to have a serious GF of a year to stay too? Could you try that approach?

My BF (of just over a year) stays over a lot and has done from fairly early on. If he hadn't I would rarely have seen him during the past year as my DCs only go to their dad's once a week.

My DCs (7, 9 & 13) love him and miss him when he's not here - when I say he's not coming over they are genuinely disappointed. He makes a big effort with them, always asks them about their day, shows an interest in what they've been doing and is part of the family.

Your DS is being very selfish expecting you to put your life on hold out of some sense of misplaced loyalty to his dad.

OP it's not a question of just explaining how you feel. Your DS is trying to argue using facts but is inaccurate. You made vows once but your DH broke them and now they have been resolved. You are free to find someone else to love you. I think it's remiss "agreeing to disagree". In your circumstances I would be explaining to my DS what exactly divorce means!

He's clearly upset and well done you trying to talk to him. But he's 18 and he can't live in a fantasy world that mummy and daddy are still together. Listen to your DS' concerns and try and resolve them, but I think you're doing him a disservice if you don't correct his very odd views about relationships.

By agreeing to disagree I meant that we had an open discussion where we both exchanged views and I firmly told him how things are for me and explained the total irrationality of his views in my opinion and the nature of relationships and what it's like when they break down. He wasn't going to change his mind at that moment so we left it there. He is otherwise a mature thinker by nature but seems to see this issue as very black and white.
I've discussed it with BF and he is very understanding and doesn't want me to push the issue if it will cause upset with the children although it would be lovely if it could be resolved because we'd be able to see more of each other without me always having to get childcare organised for the younger ones.