really upset, sad and scared

[thatsnotmynamereally]

Sorry in advance as this feels long to me. I've posted often about my emotionally abusive H over the past year and now with benefit of all the help I've had here and from reading books and speaking to women's aid I feel I can more clearly see what he is doing his tactics and what has been going on through our whole marriage/relationship of 25 years.

He has constantly belittled me because I haven't worked (full time, have done bits of freelance) over the past few although I have been drawing a salary from his firm, for tax purposes that stopped at the end of September. I have no self confidence and although I have good skills in my field it has been really hard for me to start properly job hunting and he has been no help whatsoever for example he picked up a copy of my CV when I'd sat down to proofread it, said it was sh*te and crumpled it up. But I managed to get a contract job, it literally landed in my lap and it is a lovely project. I started exactly a week ago. It's not the most impressive job in terms of prestige or money but it is a good way back into the loop as far as I'm concerned... and one week in I'm loving it, really enjoy everything about being at work full time again.

True to type (I had been wondering how he would respond) he seems to be subtly making problems. He has just been generally in a bad mood and I've been tiptoeing around, at the moment I'm still getting used to getting back into the routine of getting up and going to work. When I worked full time, as I did the whole time our kids were growing up (I stopped when DS was in last year of A levels, he's now 3rd year uni and DD is in first year so we have an empty nest, kids are both doing well and I'm v proud of them) his rule was that my job could never interfere with his life, I have always had to do all the cooking/childcare/clothes etc. But because he earned more money than me that was deemed fair... but of course looking back I always put myself in the position of second to him, and probably reinforced his view that he was entitled to special treatment.

Anyway to get to the point. This weekend, my first after working, he wanted to our weekend house in the countryside-- his pet project and something he has used to extremely control us (mainly me + DD over the summer, DS early on started refusing to go). I was a bit muddled up as to what I wanted to do, in my mind, I thought I should put my foot down and say NO as I could stay here plus get laundry done, do some cooking for the week, and play around with the project I have on the computer (he does NOT want me working at home even briefly as I won't get paid for it, but I would like to brush up my computer skills a bit and do some extra work on the project) but for various reasons I agreed to go. Although we had a nice time Saturday as we met up with friends, he was niggling away all day today (Sunday). For example I lightheartedly asked what the agenda was for the day, as I was making the coffee and just wanted to know what he had in mind for the day, ie work in the garden or go for a walk, and he exploded at me for using the word 'agenda' as it sounded like a work-word... he was doing his own thing on the computer and said he just wanted to be left alone so I didn't bring him a cup of coffee, which further infuriated him, etc etc and the day sort of went downhill. But we went by to see DS as we had to deliver something to him so there was some point to the day so to speak.

We got back around 6:00 tonight, I put a load of laundry in, and cooked dinner, he sat on the sofa and worked on HIS project. I transferred laundry to tumble drier eventually, after dinner I folded clothes, set up ironing board and ironed 2 pairs of trousers for him, left shirts on the back of a chair, left ironing board up as I was going to do a quick job on the shirts. NB these were ALL his clothes. We had a couple of glasses of wine, he wasn't too happy with the fact that I hadn't planned a 'pudding' for him (this was after minor niggles with the dinner) then he didn't want to watch Family Guy (my guilty pleasure and I hate to miss it) so I went upstairs to watch it on the TV in the bedroom. Was this unreasonable??

I think I dozed off, he came upstairs an hour or so later shouting at me that the house was a mess and that I was wearing a jumper he doesn't like, a comfy one I wear around the house. I think he was insinuating that I wasn't dressed for sex. So I got furious but didn't shout (this is fairly usual) and came downstairs to sleep on the sofa. I got down here and found he'd folded up the ironing board roughly and left it on the table (weird place). He's always hated it when I left the ironing board up but in this case as I was trying to 'catch up' with laundry after going away for the weekend on his insistence I thought he should give me a bit of slack. Then I found some things on the floor, papers etc, that he must have just slung down there. Plus I found my muddy boots on top of my laptop. FFS I had even cleaned the kitchen before I went upstairs, all counters were cleared, it wasn't all that bad. As usual he was just finding fault with things-- I cannot argue, yes the ironing board was up and yes there was a tiny bit of clutter and yes my boots were left in the middle of the floor. But he just doesn't help. Shouldn't he be really supporting me, in a new job, plus I've not bothered him for anything over the past week? I even take the train so he can have the car, and I have come in and made dinner every night plus of course do all the cleaning, evidently not to his standards but that is ridiculous because he is really messy himself and never even picks up his clothes off the floor. But if his clothes are on the floor it is my fault because I haven't picked them up.

So, with my enhanced knowledge of how abusers work, I know this is what he is doing. And I am fairly detached (which angers him) and I just let it wash over my as much as possible but I was really upset when I saw what he had done with the ironing board. I've actually been crying about it. It was just so unnecessary. So I think he is trying to sabotage my new job, and I need to get out. But now after googling flats to rent I am really depressed, I have a cat and a dog, this house works for me. And kids are coming back from uni in a couple of weeks when term ends.

When I've spoken to WA the idea of a refuge doesn't seem to fit with me no point in taking a room when I could rent privately. If H was violent things would be different. If he left it would be fantastic, absolutely lovely, we have a great time when he isn't around, but he needs to be in London for work over the next few weeks so not much chance of him moving to the weekend house. Plus he doesn't like to go to that house without someone else I think he gets bored on his own (whereas personally I love being on my own).

I'm going to call WA today, they were organizing counselling for me but I put things on hold for the new job. My question is, WTF do I do?? I was all for the idea of moving out until I realized how many problems that thew up and how much of an adjustment that would be, with the new job as priority. And it isn't really all that affordable. I know this is a question so many have had to deal with, and why staying always seems so much easier somehow. But I need to do something. I'm thinking that I can possibly speak to a lawyer about getting an agreement drawn up where we both live her but separately until we sell the house and I can buy another one, basically try to recreate the house we have on a smaller scale for 1/2 the money.

OK I'm feeling more angry than sad now I know I have been told to LTB before but I think that this is the week when I finally need to act. Inertia is not an option. Bastard. I feel like I want to hurt him and I hate myself for that. Stupid ironing board. I know I can manage him as I've been doing, but at the cost to myself of all my self worth and sanity!

[Lweji]

That'snot, he should be calling the doctor, he should be making the appointment, and honestly, you should go with him to the first appointment so that you know he tells it all to the doctor.

You should not be making any effort for him in this, or it becomes your responsibility. And his failure also becomes your responsibility. :(

[lizzzyyliveson]

It doesn't matter what he thinks or says about you anymore. Just tell everyone that you are separating and remember, "he would say that, wouldn't he." Use that line whenever you hear that he has said you are unstable or whatever. Make your plans and get your stuff. Don't bother about the doctor's appt. Can a dr do anything to make him into a decent person that you can live with for another 30 or 40 years? Imagine what sort of retirement you two will have together, stuck in the house all the time.

[Shakey1500]

Just wanted to say how much I admire you. Bloody well done for all that you've done/are doing. Stay strong

I did a covert moonlight flit from my EA ex. Had a case packed ready, fortunately had somewhere to go. Unbeknownst to me, he had uncovered my plans and (bizarrely) removed from my case-

My passport
Any photos I had of my late father
x2 candlesticks

I don't think he expected me to leave at 3am in the morning. I only discovered the missing items the next day. I reported the theft to the police who promptly arrested him. How I would have LOVED to have been a fly on the wall at his "oh so snooty" parents house when they realised their precious son was in a cell.

In the end, the police couldn't find the things and there was no proof=case dropped. I rang him and told him that the passport could be replaced, that I would always have the memories of my father that he couldn't take away and....

....that he could shove the candlesticks up his fucking arse. Sideways

Good Luck x

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Exactly. Once he thinks you are buying this he will use it as an excuse for past and present actions. And a handy explanation for anyone you both know so anything you describe loses credibility.

[Lweji]

But he's v aggrieved about 'what I did to him'

If you are at all considering going back, do not while he insists on what you did to him.

He should be repenting and moving heaven and earth to show you how he can change. He's not.

[Golferman]

I'm usually quite cynical about sone of the OP on here as a man, however fuck me you have put up with this shit for 25 years! He is an abusive twat and gives us decent men a bad name . I hope you can somehow get away from him as he has obviously trodden all over you as a person. If I discovered a man was doing that to any of my female relatives I would round to sort him out, disgusting behaviour to another human being.

[hollyisalovelyname]

Hope you are ok OP.

[Joysmum]

Hope you are ok OP. Keep the texts and don't accept calls do he has to email or text as if you are splitting up, these can be used to work out practicalities and used as evidence if needs be.

[thatsnotmynamereally]

Well. it is NOT getting better! I don't know what to do for the best... stayed here at house last night because-- he had emailed me saying that he was going out to our other house to stay overnight, then he'd pick up DD in the morning. I had taken the car thinking I'd drive out yesterday evening and pick up her stuff, just in the interests of logistics as she HAD to be out by 10:00AM today. So instead I came home thinking I'd hand over the car and that would be it. But he was here, in bed, 'trying' to sleep as he said he hadn't slept since before it happened. He said he couldn't sleep because he kept thinking about it, couldn't sleep if I left so I stayed, when I went downstairs to watch TV he called down every 5 minutes to ask if I was on the phone again (he has no idea I post on forums), as in calling the police.

I still feel sort of let down by the police, how did it happen that he was let go with no idea of what he had done wrong, he just feels that I exaggerated because I knew that he wouldn't really hit me I told the police that. I told them they could come back the next day. And I told them that there was no immediate danger and I was planning a slick exit strategy (sort of have been for about a year now) and I wanted to have a backup place to go if needed and according to all the evidence this is a dangerous time but they know that he came back to the house I can't re-house myself with cat, dog and kids back from uni that quickly.

Anyway we drove out to DDs uni this morning after a totally sleepless night during which he kept accusing me over and over of things-- now his gripe is that I often have 'screaming fits' and he has been a saint for putting up with it. But got DD packed into the car, and we dropped him off at other house and he is there now. He has a car there so I drove back in the family car.

He has a big piece of work to be completed next week and I don't want to be the cause of him not finishing that. He has made a Dr's appt for Tuesday morning and he wants me to go and 'tell them what I have done' I said fine, as any competent professional will know when I say 'he told me to say that it was my fault because he didn't say that he was going to hit me he only said that 99/100 people would have hit me already because I was yelling at him not the other way around and so he is actually a good guy for just telling me that and not actually doing it etc etc' will see that it's a crock of * as even if there is fault on both sides (not!) it isn't a good situation. No way will that let him off the hook, but I still don't know what he wants to achieve, if the Dr's turn it back onto him he might get even angrier. I want someone to explain to him, Lundy Bancroft-style, that he is an angry and abusive man! I am having a hard time thinking of him being left high and dry, he will only get angrier and angrier at the world. He needs some help, if they prescribe him some prozac at least he'll feel that he has a chance of getting 'better' and maybe if he takes some pills and gets a counsellor to talk to we can make it through Xmas. Buying some time would be nice.

[Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie]

I still don't know what he wants to achieve
Setting the scene if he resorts to DV so it looks like you asked for it.

He is banking on you not wanting to rock the boat. After this project there will be Christmas and after that another raft of reasons to keep you under his thumb.

At the outset you said, If H was violent things would be different. I'm sorry but this is how it is shaping up. He sounds liable to lash out in temper then blame you for winding him up, etc. He was hard enough to live with before but this looks like a crisis now.

[thatsnotmynamereally]

He seems flabbergasted that he is the abusive one. He thinks that I am just as abusive as him.

It's nice being here in the house without him. I'm rearranging furniture thinking I'll decorate for Christmas, DD and I love to go overboard on decs. He will hate that. I'm waiting for a call back from WA to discuss what I should do-- leave here, rent a countryside cottage, or get an order against him not to come back to the house? Brain is spinning. He has always said he 'hates' this house because it is too suburban, not suitable for such an exquisite (lol my words) man as him, and now that he has been 'raped' (his interpretation of the police coming in and taking him away) he cannot bear the place. I'd happily put it on the market but DD is back for several weeks and has a lot of work to do in that time, exams when she gets back to uni.

He said to me when I left him at the other house that he had no options left but to do himself in-- not sure if I should respond to that or not?

[thatsnotmynamereally]

He has his computer with him out there, I think he can do his work from there.

He's really angry that I went on to work the day he 'got out of prison'-- should I have been home waiting for him? My workmates have no idea this is going on, crying and phone calls have been done outside the office.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

It's another method of control sweetie. Doing himself in means you will feel sorry for him. I think there is a list of things that abusers do and that's another one.

Found one...

www.ilrctbay.com/upload/custom/abuse/content/abusers.htm

and another
we-are-survivors.webs.com/abusercharacteristics.htm

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Crikey I forgot they don't link automatically here

[FunkyBoldRibena]

If it was me I'd change the locks and get an injunction out whilst he was away.

[oldgrandmama]

You poor love - I've come late to this thread. The guy's playing you and he's getting more desperate the more he sees that you're on to him. Now it's the 'depression' card blah blah blah. Please please, believe an old lady who's been there, seen it all - HE WON'T CHANGE. If you 'knuckle down' and return, there'll be a brief 'honeymoon period' then it'll be same old same old, with you more and more ground down, demeaned, bullied, made a fool of and generally crapped on by this awful man.

Be strong - stay away.

[thatsnotmynamereally]

thanks funky I am thinking about the injunction. I told DD a bit about what had happened (unfortunately started it by saying 'Ive done a stupid thing...' 0 then proceeded to tell her what he'd said/done and that I hadn't meant for the police to turn up and take him away just to note the address etc for future reference. she and I were both crying and she was saying 'just leave him'. f-ing yikes. But we both feel desperately sorry for him and he does have good qualities... yeah i know!

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Look - if your kid is saying leave him then I think that's pretty solid advice.

[Twinklestein]

Of course he's flabbergasted that he's abusive, he's probably never had an honest moment of self reflection is his life. And of course he thinks you're the abusive one, :rolls eyes: they always do. It's much easier for him to play the victim than face the reality.

Suicide threats are to be expected, it's standard for abusers who have lost control of their victim. He's tried reasserting control over you and it hasn't worked, so now he's resorting to emotional blackmail. Of course, if you have serious concerns about his mental health, then call the doctor. I would assume until proven otherwise that it's just manipulation.

[thatsnotmynamereally]

old at the moment I am home and he is away! Which is great, I want to stay here... but... might be easier if I was gone? not sure. Best situation is for him to be happy to stay away for a long time.

This is the first time I've seen my house in daylight for a month! Work every day then other house on weekends. OMG the dust. I'm going to put carols on and light candles.

[Twinklestein]

I wonder how your daughter feels about her father? How has his behaviour affected her? She's clear that she thinks you should leave him.

[ChippingInLovesChristmasLights]

I'm not saying it's the right thing to do, but it is what I would do.

I would wait until you are home alone with him (so DD doesn't have to witness it) and call the police again - tell them he has threatened you (he has been an arse for a long time, it's not much of a stretch and is only a matter of time before he does again as he has 'got away with it') and that this time you are not prepared to have him in the house again - you want an injunction. Then you can go about sorting things out financially.

Your OP & subsequent posts are really really sad - it's no way to live my love, it really isn't. He has you so down trodden you are still taking the blame and feeling sorry for him. He's escalating - be very careful x

[Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie]

I wondered how long it would be before he flung your work at you, this new job you got has really upset the apple cart hasn't it!

If he repeats the threat about doing himself in say in that case you would have to call 999 or his GP. This is another attempt at emotional blackmail.

He doesn't seem capable of handling not getting his own way, and seems to immediately escalate any niggles into a row, as though he's been rejected and frustrated or displaced.

Before your relationship even started he learned somewhere to get frustrated at the drop of a hat, and to respond angrily. During those 25 years of marriage, he must have felt those responses worked for him.

Now even your reserves of patience are depleted, and he knows you are drifting away from him, but can't adapt his behaviour, so resorts to threats.

[steeking]

Have lurked on here for ages & just wanted to add a couple of things.
In a way your DH is like a toddler. He has been getting his own way for so long that he can't quite believe you're taking a stand. His reaction is then to ramp up his behaviour. It'll get harder before it gets easier for you but hang in there. You are def NOT the cause of him not handing in work- he is.
I had a relative threaten the suicide thing with me. I ended up calling her bluff and asked her why she didn't just go ahead and do it. To which she replied "Don't be ridiculous, I'm not going to do it yet!" She wasn't depressed just trying controlling behaviour. TBH if he mentions it again I take Donkey 's advice and tell him you are concerned for his mental health and will be contacting police and GP. You can also mention his suicide threat at the appt (if you go).
Take care x

[DollyTwat]

Op please get an injunction whilst he is already out if the house. This is your opportunity.

The reason he hasn't realized he was abusive is because in his eyes he is entitled to treat YOU this way. He is entitled to threaten YOU

He presumably doesn't do this to other people?

Take the opportunity that's on a plate for you. Then you don't need to plan an escape