Massive crush on much younger man

[butterballs9]

Anyone else found themselves in this situation? I am married but the spark has gone and we are more like good friends than anything else.

I now find myself with a massive crush on a much younger man. Astonishingly, it appears to be mutual. I don't know whether to be flattered, shocked, appalled that he has tried to seduce me (which he has) or excited.

I am aware that there is a huge MILF, cougar thing now and I most certainly do not intend to be a scalp on some cub's bed post. God, how embarrassing. I can't avoid him because we live in the same community. Let's just hope I don't bump into his mother, lol!

But NO ONE can guarantee that any relationship will last irrespective of any age difference.

My marriage was not 'utter shite' but there was definitely no spark after 20 years. Of course I have an emotional attachment to my partner and I love him very much but what will be will be and no amount of worrying about the future will change that. I live for the day and seize every moment and am very happy, even though I now work full time and have very little money, in contrast to when I was married where I never had to want for anything materialistic. However, i feel life is too short to not try and seize happiness and embrace it while you can, without fear of what the future may hold. As I've already said, no one can predict the future.

ajm - thanks, helpful input. If this had happened ten years ago, when my children were relatively young, I probably would have completely dismissed it.

But now my children are pretty much grown up - maybe I missed out a bit when I was young. I married young, hardly had any other relationships.

Not saying I will do anything...but it is quite nice to feel your pulse racing again. Yes, I could get into living for the day, and I agree about not knowing what the future holds. That is true for any situation. My partner, for instance, could up and leave tomorrow. There are no guarantees.

And yes, we could all go under a bus tomorrow....blah, blah, minimise, excuse, confuscate

You are playing with fire, love

Don't say you weren't warned

yes, I agree there are no guarantees with anything, ajmc. And if you can live for the day that's great as I said - and I meant it. NOt many people can, they like feeling more certain. There are no guarantees but there are facts of life, not quite 'statistics' but just facts, and one of these is that relationships with a big age gap, especially for younger people, USUALLY don't last. Purely that the chances of it lasting are much smaller than when there is no big gap, all other things being equal/similar. Not 'none' of course. I personally wouldn't want to feel insecure, I'd rather not have huge fireworks but feel a more secure love with a spark still, but where I also feel pretty sure that my partner is mature and knows himself - and that he wouldn't want more kids. I don't know what OP is like, but I think you are unusual and lucky that you can be so relaxed and philosophical about things while being in love. Best of luck, genuinely, you may well be that exception, the right attitude for that for sure.
OP, it sounds like what you'd really like is open marriage, close friends with H but not that bothered if he gets involved with a woman, well if you are both happy with that, then all's fair game.

Some really interesting points being made here. I completely agree about wanting stability and maybe putting security and comfort over fireworks and sizzling sexual chemistry. When I got married, security was a very important factor. I wouldn't have had children with someone who was not prepared to make a very big commitment to me. If my partner hadn't wanted to marry me, then I would not have felt he would necessarily stick around while the children were growing up. No way did I want to bring up children on my own. It's a two man job as far as I am concerned.

Mist - I'm not minimizing or making excuses. I will probably do nothing, knowing me, as I am incredibly risk-averse and tend to be reactive rather than pro-active. I am merely stating a fact - I have a big crush on a much younger man. I know it is mutual. It is abundantly clear from his body language around me. You can't actually fake that.

In actual fact, I know several couples where there is a massive age gap - in one case the man was 26 years older and they were happily married for 25 years. In two other cases, the woman was around 20 years older (and looked it too - the couples both looked more like mother and son than spouses) and they have been together for years. So it can work.

Then there are couples with no age gap who split up so I would say you can't really generalize that much.

Yes, I suppose an open marriage might be a possibility. Not sure how enthusiastic my husband would be but you never know. He loves female company and is a massive flirt so he would probably be snapped up in about 2 seconds. No doubt at that point I would change my mind and want him all to myself!

I will probably do nothing

That doesn't sound very sincere. So, saying you are "reactive" in this scenario tells me that you might respond if sexy YM made the first move. Yes ?

so has the guy said anything to you - or suggested things? agree with MIst that once he does, it would be hard to resist in this state of mind! though of course I bet yo have more self-control than he does. Maybe time to subtly get your H's views on open marriage. What I wouldn't advise is divorcing in order to be with YM even if he starts declaring all sorts - since you aer risk-averse.
I personally don't know ANY couples that lasted where the man was much younger, I know one where he is 5yrs younger and doesn't want his own kids (minority case). Anything else I've seen has been short-lived.

Having had my children, and separated, The type of relationship I would now want to have is not one where the priority is 'forever'. My priority is now that any future partner will be absolutely respectful of me and my children as a family unit, great company and amazing sex. When you are finding someone to have children with, 'forever' is crucial....and you might sacrifice the amazing sex for that.

I'm married to a man 12 years younger than me, I'm 38 and he's 26. He tells me I'm a Milf and he has always been attracted to older women.The sex we have is amazing, better than anything iv'e ever had!

There is Sam Taylor-Wood and what's-his-face...

butterballs

you sound as if you are looking for the okay and go-ahead reply here.

You also talk about not feeling jealous if your DH wants to be with another woman.

Then you pine about marrying young and not having many relationships.

Either think seriously about whether you want to be married to your DH, and if you don't, then end it.

Stop wasting time daydreaming over a young lad who may fancy you or he may we having a laugh with all his mates about a seemingly desperate menopausal middle aged woman who's got the hots for him. I know that sounds harsh but I think you need a wake up call here on your behaviour.

too right, ann

:)

and that's without my noticing the 'he tried to seduce me' line.

Oh come on OP- tried to seduce you? So has there been some canoodling already - or just some suggestive remarks?

Your post reads like a Mills and Boon swoon- grow up a bit.

OP is being rather disingenuous, IMO

lots of positive stories of age gap relationships ? why ?

OP isn't in an age gap relationship

she is still married and mooning over a younger man

not sure what some other posters are reading, tbh

There's a bit too much of the 'Jolly gosh- how embarrassing....don't want to be a scalp on a cub's bedpost....must avoid his mum...' tee hee etc.

When it's quite obvious OP that you'd have your knickers down in a flash if we said 'oh go on, you know you want to, what's the harm, love?'

Completely mixed messages in your posts OP.

You go to great lengths to tell us how much commitment means but you also say your marriage is a bit dull, kids grown up, blah blah, how age gaps relationships can work, DH might just agree to an open marriage as he's a flirt and would be snapped up.....

It just sounds rather juvenile to me. Either make your marriage not so dull, or get out and have sex with young men if that's what you want.

Sorry not to sound more encouraging but I think you are being dishonest with yourself on several scores.

I agree with ann how have you got in the situation in which he tried to seduce you? I have received some interest from younger men over the years (goes with the job territory to some extent) and I never get into these situations. You must have been giving off extremely available signals to get a young guy to make a pass at you given you are married and presumably he knows that, as he's in your community.

Op, you are in danger of making a fool of yourself. Decide if you really want to split with your husband, and if you do, then go for it. If you have an affair in a small community, you will be found out quickly and the decision taken out of your hands. Your children may hate you for it, you are also breaking up their family home as well as your own marriage if you have an affair.

My own experiences of older men running off with younger women is that even if they are reasonably happy in the new relationship, they are often not that happy as they are outside old family life, and often their wife moves on quite happily themselves. If there is nothing really wrong with your initial relationship except a bit of boredom after 20 years, then swapping to someone else and staying with them for 20 years is not likely to be incredibly much better.

But you are not being offered a new life. A young man is flirting with you and would probably sleep with you if offered, that's all. Just stop it, take a frank look at your marriage and really examine if it is worth moving on.

Oh dear, OP. You said: I know it is mutual. It is abundantly clear from his body language around me. You can't actually fake that.

Please tell me you are not judging this from body language?!

You can fake that. You can misinterpret that, more to the point. You also said he 'tried to seduce you' so what is it - the body language or the 'hey Mrs X, wanna come see my willy up in my hotel room?'. I think you're living in a fantasy.

I would also have serious concerns about a young lad that wanted to cop off with someone old enough to be his mum.

This has happened to me a couple of times, one older chap, one younger. Once I caught the impression it was mutual with the younger one. Both times I just avoided the person and kept conversations short with them. I sometimes wonder what might gave been, but then although I fancy the pants of some men, I love my husband and child more. Its incredibly hard as sometimes my marriage is tough going and my imagination runs away with me. Both guys were (ok ARE in my most recent case) the complete opposite personality to my husband, and that's half the attraction.

I say to myself, if I act on my feelings, what do I stand to lose? The answer, too much. So I just avoid him. Look busy. Do busy. Write the feelings down. Rationalise it.

Also ask yourself, do I want to stay married to a friend? Or should we seek counseling? Don't throw your marriage away for lust.

I've been in this situation loads and loads (and LOADS) of times. Long story, but I come into contact with a lot of young people - some in a professional capacity, most not. And yes, you do know when it is mutual.

I've never acted on it (thank goodness). It passes - really, it passes. You look back fondly and think aw. That's about it.

Howeve,r when in the height of it - dear me, you have to do a lot of gripping banisters, chewing carpets etc.

You're not available. Less of the 'Im not sure if my husband would agree to an open marriage/he'd be snapped up in 2 seconds' lark - justifying, much. Don't be foolish. At least get your marriage sorted out first, yay or nay (not that this crush is necessarily a goer). How would it be for your kids if their mum went off with someone the same age as them/younger? It would be very painful, is the long and short of it. 1. that their parents split up and 2. that their mum went off with a kid.

My children are pretty much grown up.

Annhatawy - what is your situation - how old are you....how old are your children....who long have you been with the father of your children??

You sound rather quite immature....

If you want to speak to my husband about my maturity, how great our kids our........forget it....I doubt he would give you the time of day....

Sorry, just sayin'!!

Mist - you sound like a rather ghastly old cow.......

wow- butter you don't like hearing some home truths do you?

You said your kids were teens or still at school- hardly grown up.

You seem to miss the point that you are toying with having an affair with a young lad and come along here for some kind of permission.

There's only one person on this thread who's immature and it aint me love.

butter like I said, don't say you weren't warned

(please, nobody report her last post, let it stand)