Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotional Abuse

[InThisHouseWeDo]

I want to share some resources (and a little bit of my experience) about being in a relationship with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder whether the relationship is current or past. My mother, I'm 99% sure, had BPD and I had a relationship for several years with someone who had BPD. Borderline Personality Disorder doesn't seem to be mentioned that often on relationships, but I'll often read posts where it appears like it could be a factor. Not all abusers have BPD and not all people with BPD are abusive to people they are close to, but they frequently are. The advice on relationships can be really brilliant and can be appropriate for people in relationships with someone with BPD, but I want to encourage people in who know/think that they are/were in a relationship with someone with BPD to get some specialist information and support from people who know BPD inside and out in addition to posting here.

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder is a really good book. It was recommended to me by friend and it was like every single piece of the puzzle clicked into place. My ex partner had tried to explain a lot of the things in the book, but I never really understood them (or so a whole host of other things) until I read it and also the excellent BPDFamily.com message boards, especially this page. The revised edition of I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality is also supposed to be extremely good.

I won't repeat all the excellent advice that's contained in the book(s) and links above, which can be summarised as: 1. You must look after yourself, get help and support, set boundaries, leave if you need to & 2. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it (The 3 C's of Al-anon). You can only change you.

But I do want to advise one thing that isn't often mentioned when discussing people who have been abusive to you and that is to be compassionate. I know that some people will find that a contentious or very upsetting statement, but I believe it helps in getting over the immense hurt and the headfuckery that is BPD. People with Borderline Personality Disorder are in emotional pain all the time. Their awful behaviour is an attempt to cope with or deflect immense pain - that doesn't make it OK and you don't have to put up with it, but it really does help to feel calm and detach when you fully understand what it's like for them and understand that it's not about you, that they didn't ask for this either.

I really hope this helps even one person. Being in a relationship with someone who has BPD is often very isolating and it can feel like no-one could understand the crazy that your life is/was, but getting support from people who know exactly what it is like is an immense relief.

Santiago, it's encouraging that correcting the damaged memories is a good way forward. I guess when helping my DC that can take the shape of providing a loving and nurturing environment, as garlic said.

Speaking directly to their inner child/schema therapy sounds interesting to give that a frame. My kids' psychologist is encouraging me to be their mum and not therapist, but since I know more about therapy than proper motherhood it helps to understand the process from that perspective.

My exDP has recently suggested to me that I have BPD.

I have found the links and other resources on the subject useful but hard reading in trying to understand my own behaviour/attitudes in relationships and the dynamic with my exDP but at the same time I do wonder about the value/usefulness of labelling people without the intervention of a mental health professional. So many of the behaviours described seem to be little more than exaggerations of what would be considered normal (this view has been expressed here along with the view that BPD is a serious mental health disorder and that we all 'have traits' - so where does the line get drawn?).

Viewed in the stress of a relationship breaking down or unravelling or as the 'victim' tries to make sense of what happened I think there can be a huge temptation to latch on to these labels and make a 'diagnosis' which can validate either parties behaviour. The internet makes this so much easier than ever before.

I have decided to pursue counselling so that I can look at myself and hopefully build a healthier foundation for any future relationship I enter. I am encouraging my exDP to do the same but have resisted the urge to apply labels.

AnyFuckersfanclubchair You are very brave to be exploring this and looking for answers and help. I know I have mentioned the Walking on Eggshells book several times already, but really I found it to be the best explanation of BPD (especially the feelings and thought processes) that I have come across so if you haven't read it, then I would recommend it. It is written for people who are close to someone with BPD, but I think it could provide some insight. If it's too hard going exploring these things on your own, then maybe waiting until you go through them with a professional is a good idea. There is another book called 'Get me out of here' by Rachel Reiland which could be useful. Best of luck

True ladies, the Schema Therapy was not cheap. I had private health insurance but the bills totalled 30k + over a period of three years 1-2-1 therapy. I know after I'd completed my course - and the timeframe is not exact, some might need more, some might need less - that they found group schema therapy was giving faster results. As long as the group was tightly controlled so as to provide a supportive "you didn't deserve that" environment rather than a competitive self-harm one, it all seemed to work well.

I'm not a fan of the internet as a tool of diagnosis. My diagnosis came from hours and hours of probing my a team of psychiatrists, psychiatric nurses and psychologists and hundreds and hundreds of questions. It does worry me now that you can stroll in to a GP and be given a "bipolar" sticker and sent off with an AD (rather than a variety of meds including a mood-stabiliser!) because it's cheaper to diagnose & prescribe rather than make the difficult diagnosis of PD and then pursue therapy.

The Rachel Reiland books are wonderful - but she is angry at her friend who commits suicide and didn't call her - they had a pact they'd call as suicide buddies. For those of you who are healthy I don't think you can understand how quickly we can go from zero to ten on the mood scale. I took an OD within 20 minutes of getting what I perceived as bad news. 20 fucking minutes! :(

I took an OD within 20 minutes of getting what I perceived as bad news. 20 fucking minutes!

Poor you . That must be horrendous.

Since the beginning of the year I have lived with the dear and worry and, sometimes if I couldn't get hold of him when I knew he was very upset, sheer panic that my ex partner would kill himself. I am still terrified he could one day. It is so difficult to accept that it's a possibility and that there is nothing you can do to prevent it.

I am glad you are ok.

That should be fear, not dear obviously!

I got diagnosed with BPD 10 years ago and feel that the general tone of this thread is very negative towards it. I understand it must be very difficult to live with someone with BPD, but I would just like to say I have never abused anyone and am definitely not evil! (Generalising i know but please don't attack) I haven't name changed so am open to answering questions from my perspective if you would like

kchapper I disagree that the overall tone of the thread is negative towards people with BPD, but I can see why linking it to abusive behaviour and cogito's comment would be upsetting - which is why I called her on it and jaceybee spoke about how terrible those kinds of attitudes are.

I am sure you haven't been abusive. I was very clear in pointing out that not everyone who has BPD is, but there are some, even though it is the last thing they mean, who are emotionally and/or physically abusive towards their partners/family because of their BPD and my post was calling for empathy in the face of that. I'm sorry this thread feels like it is unsupportive or hostile.

Thank you, I did notice both your comments and wanted to refer to them but on my phone so couldn't. Maybe I did misinterpret and I'm sorry for that

Don't worry. Things online can often come across one way instead of another, especially reading on a phone sometimes, so good to clarify

Thanks for your nice comment, Heebiejeebie :)

Wrt to 'amateur diagnosis' and fanclub's XP's effort:

Speaking of THIS forum only, people use 'internet diagnosis' to identify patterns of behaviour in a poster's partner. This is never intended to push the partner into seeking diagnosis. To do so in the context of a power-imbalanced relationship would be abusive ... hence why it's usually an OP's partner saying "You need to see a shrink"!

Knowing nothing of your history, Fanclub, I can only say that reading around emotional-psychological issues often is helpful after a relationship breakdown. If you find a syndrome that truly does seem to fit you, talking it over with a properly qualified professional could be the start of a brilliant programme to change.

BUT ... !!! If you were posting here during your breakup, and asked whether you might have a PD, the first thing you'd be asked is whether you have always displayed the problematic behaviour patterns. Reason being that relationship abuse causes emotional dysregulation. I acted exactly like someone with BPD during my second marriage. I have no personality disorder (have two negative diagnoses!) but I did/do suffer from assorted emotional vulnerabilities, which led me into relationships with people who'd treat me like shit. Then they did, and I would get disproportionately upset. Since the day I started therapy, I've not 'raged' once, and doubt I ever will again.

Speaking with a proper psychotherapist can help you unpick what was really going on.

Santiago, I'm really envious of your schema therapy! I'm trying to do my own - I have the tools, but it's bloody difficult to know whether I'm responding via a redundant schema! I could do with two physical 'me's to get it right

Kchapper, there's not been any suggestion that PD=abuse. I can see how it might look that way, though. PDs and other disorders can cause people to behave abusively, sometimes without realising that's what they're doing. From the pov of onlookers, understanding the patterns of disordered behaviour helps to assure targets that the abuse is real, and not their own fault.
Did that make sense?

First off, I speak as someone who merely has an interest in this. And not least because I helped to hand hold someone on the MH board who had a diagnosis of it and was clearly struggling day to day. Thankfully she was eventually offered some weekly free therapy, and I assume it is working as she hasnt been around now for several months.

kchapper. Can I ask, I presume you struggle with it daily in some ways? And I presume it is not easy to get therapy? The lady above, and I wont keep mentioning her, was told amongst other things that she had to be emotionally stable enough to have the therapy, which I and others thought was a bit odd really, but there must be some reason for that.

InThisHouseWeDo. Has your ex partner or indeed yourself been given any strategies if there is a clear danger? Dont answer that if you dont want to.

trish5000 I haven't and we are pretty much NC now so I wouldn't be aware if a situation arose TBH, I just pray (Which is ridiculous because I'm not religious) I don't know whether he's having suicidal thoughts or impulses at the moment or how much he's discussed them with his current therapist. He may not be having any anymore, he might be, or they could come back under stress - I really have no idea.

Trish my main daily problem is probably the anger, i get very irrationally angry over things, and everything is extreme i either hate something or love it (and they often change) I had counselling and CBT on and off from the age of 14 to 20 (i'm now 25) and i only really got this after 3 suicide attempts.
I am like a different person now compared to then I'm a lot more stable and nothing is as extreme as it was then.

I dont think that the praying can do any harm. I hope that his current therapist has discussed what to do if he has impulses.It is a sad situation for everyone.

Glad the counselling and CBT worked for you kchapper5. It is so bad isnt it that you had to have the 3 suicide attempts before you got the help you needed.
Do you mind me asking if you had too had a "complex childhood" as Santiago said it was put to her?
fwiw, and I said I wont keep mentioning the lady I talked about, she certainly did.And if you did, do you think that that is where most of the anger came from?

I have an alcoholic mother who is horrendously jealous and was emotionally abusive and a father who worked 2 jobs so wasn't around much and just wanted a quiet life when he was home and who constantly favoured my 2 half brothers. So yeah pretty complex :)

That qualifies from the sound of it