IABU but Why am I so upset about this?

[ItCantBe]

DP just came into our room,I was asleep.
I'm 8 months pregnant,I have SPD and I'm in a lot of pain,he knew I'd been having trouble sleeping and that my legs ached.

He woke me up by pulling at the duvet which was wound between my legs,I'd finally found a comfortable position and fallen asleep about 30 mins previously.
I asked him to stop but he wouldn't,he kept pulling at it,shouting at me that he wanted it,he was cold and he needed it. I said to get another from the cupboard. This wasn't good enough for him and he kept pulling at the duvet,ripping it out from under me.
I was half asleep and confused and hurt,it hurt my hips a lot when he pulled the duvet away and i grabbed it back and yelled at him to go away. He still wouldn't let go and wouldn't leave.
I was freaked out,I screamed at him to get out. By this time he had the duvet he'd pulled it away really aggressively.I was on the bed completely exposed still half asleep and,quite frankly frightened. He kept yelling at me.
I screamed for him to get out about 6 times and i actually slapped him before he finally did.
I cannot stop crying and shaking.
I know I acted like a nutcase,but I don't understand why he did this?
Why wouldn't he leave when I was obviously upset?
Why didn't he care that he was scaring me?
Why did he want the duvet so much that he was willing to wake me up by pulling it off me and shouting at me? There are plenty of other duvets and blankets etc.
I don't even understand why I acted the way I did,I've never hit anyone in my life,but I felt totally helpless and I just wanted to make him leave.
He pretended to cry when he left,it was really obviously not real crying and he was acting so oddly. I just don't understand.

I can't sleep,I'm so shaken up by the whole,weird incident. Its so ridiculous. It's just a freaking duvet.

Someone tell me WTF just happened and why I'm so upset.please.
Please don't flame me,I know I acted badly. I feel like a nutcase.

[waltermittymissus]

The more I read, ItCant, the more uncomfortable I am.

I didn't realise that he knew you needed the duvet to be comfortable. I also thought it had escalated but it seems that he came into the room to wake you/hurt you?

If that is the case, then Women's Aid is not extreme at all and may be a good place to seek advice on options. Knowledge is power afterall and it can't hurt to have the information.

I agree, too, that "sorry but" is really "I'm not sorry because".

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

I would get some advice from WA. I get sacroiliac problems (worse when I was pg) and in my non pg state one of the DC pulling down on my jacket was enough to cause a back spasm that nearly knocked me off my feet. He must have had a reasonable idea that yanking a duvet out from under a heavily pg woman with SPD would be very painful even if he didn't realise just how excruciating it was.

My immediate thought was he was too pissed to think straight and had the stubborn illogicality of someone who was drunk.

[Grennie]

Chaz, but then he would have been mortified this morning and very apologetic

[Lweji]

You need to hear all he has to say about what happened and then make a decision. It doesn't have to be today, but he should understand that his behaviour was totally unacceptable.

Personally, if he blames you for the slap in any way I'd be more inclined to leave.

If he was fully conscious about what he was doing, you should consider leaving too.

It's not a good sign that he is grumpier when you are pregnant and deals badly withe you when you are at your most vulnerable. It doesn't look good for when there are two children around.

[ItCantBe]

Lweji there are already 2 children around.

He has said he was fully conscious and remembers everything. He is minimising what he did and claiming he did not shout. He is also adamant that he was 'calm' (what kind of calm person does that though?!) he doesn't seem to care that it hurt me,only that the other duvet isn't warm enough for him.

[Grennie]

If he was truly calm, that is worse.

[Vivacia]

I agree that the more ItCantBe writes, the more the slap looks like self-defence. That's not the impression I got from the OP. I don't think it's necessary or helpful to judge who was more to blame though.

If I was a child, hearing screaming, shouting and a hit I'd go as quiet as a mouse. The monitor wouldn't hear me.

[Vivacia]

Also I'm a bit confused about when the conversations (such as the "sorry but" one) have occurred. When did he come home? Or have your rung him?

[Inthequietcoach]

The thickness of the duvet is besides the point (you have blankets too, you said). He is selfish, he is putting his needs for the duvet above your need for lack of pain, when you have a medical condition. Even if he was calm (and I believe you that he was not), that is also besides the point, he should not have done it, and persisted in doing it.

Can he not just say sorry, it was inexcusable, i am really sorry? Why justify it?

Agree with Lweji, when you are 8 months pregnant with 2 children to look after, he should be caring for you, not off down the pub, coming back, yanking the duvet off when you are asleep and ignoring your requests not to, and then trying to justify it

[ItCantBe]

They are email conversations.

[ItCantBe]

Viva the DC did not hear,they would have either made themselves known last night,or they would have said something today.

[Vivacia]

Thank God for that ItCantBe I hit "post" and thought you were going to say this had been by text.

I accept what you're saying that the children didn't hear anything and therefore weren't scared.

[SourSweets]

I also had SPD when I was pregnant and used the whole duvet in the way you did. My husband would stay up watching TV and would use the spare quilt when he came to bed.

You using the whole duvet is in job way justification for him behaving like that.

I'm not buying this "if the roles were reversed" crap. No man has ever been in the physically and emotionally vulnerable position that pregnancy puts you in.

What exactly is he saying when he says "sorry but" but what?

[Vivacia]

No man has ever been in the physically and emotionally vulnerable position that pregnancy puts you in

Interesting point, but how could you know that?

[YouKnowOfTheCrunch]

Itcantbe I'm just recovering from horrendous SPD, and what you describe would have been agonising. If you haven't had it then it's difficult to understand how excruciating it is and how utterly vulnerable and immobilised you are whilst in that pain.

If dh had pulled at my leg and hip support in the way you describe I would consider it assault. I would have done anything to get him away and to lessen that pain.

It's not a twinge, it's agonising.

I'm so sorry you've been through this.

[YouKnowOfTheCrunch]

If dh had a broken leg and needed it supported in bed, and I came upstairs after he was asleep and yanked the support away because I wanted it, twisting his leg in the process, and whilst he screamed in pain and begged me to stop I carried on and kept asking him why he was behaving in this way, well... I would be an abusive arse.

If I had forgotten about dh's injury, yanked at the duvet and then apologised profusely when I caused pain and helped resettle him. I would have been a normal person who had made a mistake.

The latter is not the case and I would want to know why.

[waltermittymissus]

No man has ever been in the physically and emotionally vulnerable position that pregnancy puts you in

You cannot possibly know that and I would ask anyone posting here not to be so dismissive of the very real domestic abuse that men can and do suffer, though I do not think that this is the case here.

[Grennie]

If you have never been pregnant, you don't have a clue what you are talking about. There is a reason that the most common time for a man to start abusing his female partner, is when she is pregnant.

[Lweji]

Sorry, didn't realise it was a 3rd pregnancy.

Honestly it sounds bad, really bad.

I know you feel stuck, but given his reaction, I'd be looking at legal advice.
WA if he is anyway threatening again, or in anyway abusive.

Even if you are not comfortable leaving now, he must realise you are serious about not putting up with this behaviour and will leave if he crosses the line.

[Lweji]

My son sleeps through everything, so it's possible the children didn't actually wake up.

[waltermittymissus]

Grennie, was that to me? Because I have three dc!

[Lweji]

I agree with Walter than men can be abused and can find themselves in very vulnerable situations.

In this case, the slap was a last resort by a heavily pregnant woman, in pain, to stop someone causing her even more pain. Self defence for me. And he actually deserved a knee to the groin.

If he had actually gone into bed, asked politely for the duvet or had tried gently to take it out and she slapped him, I'd be the first to say the OP was unreasonable.

[MysteriousHamster]

I've read the OP's posts as her partner knew she was in pain, asleep and needed support from the duvet, so when he came in and aggressively took it off her despite having other options, it was a choice he made.

He chose to be aggressive, shout, gaslight, cause pain, frighten and hurt his pregnant partner.

I read the slap as self-defence under these conditions.

It was a cruel thing to do. I wonder if he did it as some sort of revenge over the fact he has to do more at the moment, some sort of subconscious 'well I might have to do x, y, z but I'll show her she can't just take over our bed'. Conjecture, obviously.

I'm sorry OP. I don't think he's going to apologise in the way he should. I'd be scared of it happening again.

[AlmightyMess]

This is most certainly a nasty situation and OP I really feel for you. I have to ask if he does his bit with your dc? When this dc is born, will he take turns at night or will he expect you to do it all? As far as I can read, he seems completely unconcerned about your need for sleep and the pain he has caused, he should be sorry, without any 'Buts'.

[SourSweets]

Walter I am not dismissing DV suffered by men, of course it happens and it is just as awful as when it happens to a woman. I'm talking though, about this very particular situation. No man has been pregnant, has had SPD and has been left vulnerable because of this. My post was in response to other posters saying "this wouldn't be acceptable if it was a man in her position"