Can he even do this to me?

[Susie86]

Ok, please bear with me- i've been off MN for about 2 years, and there's quite a lot of preamble to this post.

Dh and I have been together for about 4 years, 2dds (3 and 18m) and I'm 15wks pg with a third. He's in his 40s, I'm in my 20s with 14 years between us- we met and married a year after I left uni, so I only had about 6 months work exp before I was pg and married (in that order). He runs a couple of businesses, we live above his offices and all the properties are his or the company names, so effectively, I own nothing at all. I've asked thousands of times for him to put something in both our names but he's always refused.

He's always been very particular, and the biggest issue between us has always been his inability to get out of bed- we even missed one of our first dd's scans (it was at 2pm) because he refused to get up. I often end up shouting at him to try and get him up so that meetings and things don't get missed- this morning we had people turning up for a conference and because he didn't get up, and kept ignoring his secretary's calls, the projector and tech wasn't ready. The thing is, when I try and get him up, it makes him really mad. He says that I should just leave him alone and if i end up fielding panicy phone calls from his staff, i should just ignore them, but that I have no right to "attack" him, while he's in bed. Over the years we've had so many rows over this, he's walked out, threatened to leave me, etc.

Soooo, yesterday I got up at 6 (which is pretty normal because of our two girls) to find that his dog had gotten into a bin bag and there was rubbish -teabags, nappies, old food, yoghurt pots etc- all over the hallway. I asked him to tidy it up, he refused. I called him a selfish prick, he went back to sleep, I cleaned up. When he got up at around 11 he informed me that I was not allowed to sleep in his bed for a week. Uh huh. I have been "banished" and am not allowed to share his bed until next Monday, to learn some respect and to teach me that I don't have the right to treat him like this.

Putting aside the obvious WHAT THE F*, what am I supposed to do? I don't really think there's a future for this marriage, but what can I do? I've got no where to go, no money of my own, just £100 or so in the bank, no access to the company money, unless I literally steal the contents of the safe, which, as I don't own the company would just be stealing, and I'd wind up in jail for it. My family can't help- I'm estranged from my Dad and my mum is broke.

It's the humiliation which is killing me- the thought of people knowing, that this is the kind of degrading sitation I live in is so awful. I can't talk to anyone, because all our friends know him too, and have no idea that he would do this, he's a very respected figure. If I stay here I basically resign myself to a life of humiliation, but if I leave I condem my children to a life of abject poverty and I wouldn't even know where to start building a life for us. I wanted to go back to university to retrain, but he made me pregnant again (we were using ov tests to avoid pg and he had sex with me after I'd falled asleep on ov day) and while it wasn't what I wanted, I could never get rid of a baby.

I'm not looking for angry LEAVE HIM NOW messages, because that doesn't help. I'm so scared, and so trapped and I just don;t know what to do. He is never cruel to the children and is a good father, he is also never cruel or hurtful to me infront of anyone else, so to everyone it looks like we have a loving and respectful marriage. Hell it looks like that to me most of the time, but then i do something wrong and end up here. I'm so terrified of someone finding out who I am. please help me.

[patchworkchick]

You can see a solicitor the first time for free, really should start there. As for sleeping in, I'd let him stay in bed.

[Lweji]

Keep trying, you'll get there. I think you can leave a message.

It's good that you are already thinking of what you can do, rather than what you can't.
You will get there. :)

Stay safe and strong.

[ThatVikRinA22]

keep trying W/A

sgb - the police wont help her just leave her dh - for one he hasnt been violent (the rape was unreported) police will be interested in any criminal behaviour if OP wants to make a complaint, give a statement etc - but the DV unit isnt there just to help people leave home - thats more the remit of womens aid, the CAB and a solicitor.

IF he does get violent the police would act, but not just to help someone move out unless she wants to do it in front of him and she thinks he will cause trouble - in which case they would come and stand by to prevent a breach of the peace.

OP plan this - see a solicitor, visit the CAB, the council, contact housing associations etc and see what your entitlements will be - then start to squirrel away what you can without him noticing.

you will need a solicitor anyway unless you think he will just give up trying to see his children - you will need to sort out child contact etc.

W/A are busy but they do phone back - ive phoned on behalf of women ive dealt with and they usually call back pretty promptly.

[LookingThroughTheFog]

Susie, last year I walked into my local branch of Lloyds bank (the only choice in walking distance). I had both kids with me, and I looked desperately at the account manager and told her I needed to set up a bank account that was separate to my husbands. It needed to be no frills, no charge, no overdraft. Just a card where I could access my money and that's all.

I didn't even have a pound coin to deposit to open in.

I had the new bank account numbers before I left the bank.

As it happens, it took me and husband to crisis point and we sat down and talked about the money situation, and things got resolved between us. But I really value having that one account that's just mine, where I can put birthday money and bits and pieces.

But that's not the point of my story - the point is that it's not as hard to do as you might think. Most banks are aware that people's circumstances change and that partnerships falter. Most of them will even allow you to have cards and cheque books delivered to the branch for collection, and will do internet-only statements. I don't think that any paperwork has been delivered to the house for my Lloyds account since that first set up, and only then because I requested it, and was in the fortunate position of being able to tell husband what I was doing and why.

As a first step to help you get back some control, could you walk into any bank on your highstreet and just ask them? If they're not understanding, go next door to the next one. It feels hard before you've done it, but it's actually quite manageable. Plus, you're not doing anything wrong that you have to feel guilty about. Every adult deserves to have their own bank account. That's not wrong.

[Jux]

NW can set up a new account in no time too. I think most banks will allow you to pick up a cash/debit card from the branch rather than send it to your home.

I think it is quite important that people in rl start to hear that you are banned from the bed for a week, too. I know you will find it humiliating to tell anyone, but it is actually more humiliating for him if people know the sort of life he is forcing on you.

Can you tell your gp, or midwife? Your mum?

In the meantime, can you get at financial paperwork and photocopy it, then you could post it to yourself c/o your mum.

[lavenderhoney]

The dc money in their room - take that to the bank with you and set up accounts for them too, or put it all in yours. Barclays linked the dc accounts to mine, so in practice I can online transfer money to and from for them.

Make sure you ask for online statements only.

Have you told anyone in rl yet? I hope WA have spoken to you, I know they are always busy though:(

[Susie86]

Thanks all. I spoke to HSBC as soon as the line went active this am. I can set up ab a/c in ten minutes as they already have my info from my joint ac and I asked them about paperless banking qnd picking up the card in branch. It's good to have it reconfirmed that I'm going about it the right way. Im heading out now x

[Fairylea]

Well done :) you're doing great. First steps to freedom.

[fuzzywuzzy]

HSBC are really good, if you ever tell them there's a dispute on your account they immediately freeze the account till you have sorted the problem out.

If I were you, once you leave I would inform them that you are no longer together and they should freeze the joint accounts. This will prevent your husband from running up debts that you are both liable for.
You can authorise the account to be unfrozen once you've reached an agreement to remove your name from the joint account (I'd personally take the money out of the joint account then freeze the joint account, but I'm a hard faced bitch and I've lived thro being nice and suffering financially for it).

[Lweji]

:)

See, you can do it.

Tiny light at the end of the tunnel. Keep walking.

[fuzzywuzzy]

Make sure HSBC are aware they should not send written correspondence regarding the new bank account to your current address at all

[GuybrushThreepwoodMP]

Don't think I need to add my ltb to this as you're on the way! You're doing brilliantly.

What an awful horrible man. I'm so sorry for what he's done to you.

[bubblebabeuk]

Following your story, I hope you get through to WA soon

[hellsbellsmelons]

Well done.
You know you need to get out and you are making steps to do that.
Don't forget to email Womens Aid about all this and they should call you back.
Don't worry about a 'great' school.
There are good schools all over the country.
You should really try to head back towards your family for the support and rl help they can offer you.
Keep going - you can do this.

[SunshineSuperNova]

Well done Susie Big hugs to you.

[Rooners]

Be careful not to let on that you're even thinking about this as he will be onto you and sabotage it all - he may well up his game and do something violent (well more violent than raping you iyswim)

All of us here are right behind you. Clear your browsing history too if he might find this xxxxx

[hoppingmad]

Excellent news, so pleased you are taking positive steps towards leaving.

I do know how incredibly hard it is but you are doing the right thing.

[Susie86]

Ac is up and running, but now I feel awful. Like I'm exaggerating and making him seem worse than he is and not painting a fair picture of how things are.

[Rooners]

It's Ok. You will feel like that. It's normal. But of course you can keep looking at his behaviour and writing it down and examining it, to reassure yourself that it is not acceptable.

We were all behind you from the off - he is treating you like a possession. He has raped you - I'm really sorry, sex without consent is rape. I was really shocked to read that bit especially.

There is often a power imbalance in larger age gap relationships - not always but often and this is a classic example of someone taking advantage of the fact you are young and a bit naive and it hasn't occurred to you that what he is doing is wrong.

We are with you all the way xx

[Rooners]

Oh and by the way - yes, he is a nice person sometimes. They all are.

That doesn't matter. What matters is that this is an unacceptable way for you to be treated and it has got to stop, not least for your daughters' sake - they will grow up thinking this is normal otherwise, and end up with partners who treat them the same way.

[Lweji]

Keep reading back the thread if you ever feel like it's not that bad.

[Wannabestepfordwife]

Op your absolutely doing the right thing and yes he is that bad some of things he's done are truly shocking!

Don't feel bad about your dd missing nursery there's plenty about. My dm's biggest regret in life is that she didn't leave my pa and ea dad earlier and before if affected her dc. It's far better for your dc to be with their amazingly strong mum even if she is skint than to be in that toxic environment

[EhricLovesTeamQhuay]

Of course he has a nice side - almost everybody does. And everybody has an unpleasant side. The facts are though that this man's unpleasant side is a mile wide and not only that, he doesn't care. He treats you appallingly and he won't change. This is what you need to get your head around - he won't change. He doesn't want to, even if he could. He will always treat you like this, and it will get worse.
This is a man who had sex with you against your wishes in order to get you pregnant with a baby you didn't want. I don't think you are as horrified by tha as you should be :(

[bishboschone]

Go to citizens advice , you can get the council to give you months for rent in these circumstances. In my area you can choose a house and they will pay the rent. I had no idea of this but a friend did it to leave abusive ex. He sounds like an arse !

[MatildaWhispers]

Don't worry that you are exaggerating. I don't think you realize at this moment in time how huge a deal it is for him to have deliberately got you pregnant with a baby you didn't want. I think you will look back on this in the future and realize that this was an extremely abusive and very significant act on his part. Hope you get through to WA soon.