Can he even do this to me?

[Susie86]

Ok, please bear with me- i've been off MN for about 2 years, and there's quite a lot of preamble to this post.

Dh and I have been together for about 4 years, 2dds (3 and 18m) and I'm 15wks pg with a third. He's in his 40s, I'm in my 20s with 14 years between us- we met and married a year after I left uni, so I only had about 6 months work exp before I was pg and married (in that order). He runs a couple of businesses, we live above his offices and all the properties are his or the company names, so effectively, I own nothing at all. I've asked thousands of times for him to put something in both our names but he's always refused.

He's always been very particular, and the biggest issue between us has always been his inability to get out of bed- we even missed one of our first dd's scans (it was at 2pm) because he refused to get up. I often end up shouting at him to try and get him up so that meetings and things don't get missed- this morning we had people turning up for a conference and because he didn't get up, and kept ignoring his secretary's calls, the projector and tech wasn't ready. The thing is, when I try and get him up, it makes him really mad. He says that I should just leave him alone and if i end up fielding panicy phone calls from his staff, i should just ignore them, but that I have no right to "attack" him, while he's in bed. Over the years we've had so many rows over this, he's walked out, threatened to leave me, etc.

Soooo, yesterday I got up at 6 (which is pretty normal because of our two girls) to find that his dog had gotten into a bin bag and there was rubbish -teabags, nappies, old food, yoghurt pots etc- all over the hallway. I asked him to tidy it up, he refused. I called him a selfish prick, he went back to sleep, I cleaned up. When he got up at around 11 he informed me that I was not allowed to sleep in his bed for a week. Uh huh. I have been "banished" and am not allowed to share his bed until next Monday, to learn some respect and to teach me that I don't have the right to treat him like this.

Putting aside the obvious WHAT THE F*, what am I supposed to do? I don't really think there's a future for this marriage, but what can I do? I've got no where to go, no money of my own, just £100 or so in the bank, no access to the company money, unless I literally steal the contents of the safe, which, as I don't own the company would just be stealing, and I'd wind up in jail for it. My family can't help- I'm estranged from my Dad and my mum is broke.

It's the humiliation which is killing me- the thought of people knowing, that this is the kind of degrading sitation I live in is so awful. I can't talk to anyone, because all our friends know him too, and have no idea that he would do this, he's a very respected figure. If I stay here I basically resign myself to a life of humiliation, but if I leave I condem my children to a life of abject poverty and I wouldn't even know where to start building a life for us. I wanted to go back to university to retrain, but he made me pregnant again (we were using ov tests to avoid pg and he had sex with me after I'd falled asleep on ov day) and while it wasn't what I wanted, I could never get rid of a baby.

I'm not looking for angry LEAVE HIM NOW messages, because that doesn't help. I'm so scared, and so trapped and I just don;t know what to do. He is never cruel to the children and is a good father, he is also never cruel or hurtful to me infront of anyone else, so to everyone it looks like we have a loving and respectful marriage. Hell it looks like that to me most of the time, but then i do something wrong and end up here. I'm so terrified of someone finding out who I am. please help me.

[fuzzywuzzy]

Meerka is right, actually email a close friend the times he does things like this.

a friend of mine kept a copy of a conversation I had emailed her about ex behaving really badly (I was doing the whole he's a wonderful father, maybe he's depressed thing at the time!) it was upheld as evidence in court and during a finding of facts hearing it served to convince the judge I was telling the truth.

[Lweji]

So sorry. :(

Do call WA.
And do get out asap with the children.
Ask WA for a refuge place.

He is a rapist and I suspect he would easily turn violent towards you, if he hasn't yet.

[Susie86]

Ok, I really want to do this properly, but it will take time to get enough money together- I'm in central London. Even my car is in his name and the first thing he'd do is report it stolen, but without it I cant take things like my sewing machines- which is the only way I really have ofs supporting myself.

He's just had a go at me for not apologising yet, and I don't think my telling him yesterday that I fantasise about him dying really helped! I must sound so stupid. I'm not, I'm actually pretty clever, just very naive I guess.

[Susie86]

Sorry, I meant to say thank you all, for your support.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

It could take some considerable time to build up an escape fund and time is something you really do not have an awful lot of.

I think he deliberately targeted you as he saw you as being younger and therefore easier to manipulate. You may well have been in a bad place yourself when you met him and perhaps saw him as your knight in shining armour.

Abuse is about power and control and they can appear plausible to those in the outside world. That does not mean though that one or two of your social circle have not sussed him for the abuser that he is though.

This is no life for you and your children and he has deliberately kept you barefoot and pregnant. This is a method used by some abusers to keep their victims (I use plural deliberately here because he is in no way a decent father to them either) trapped.

Have you spoken to Womens Aid today?. They can and will help you here, you have to take the first step, often the hardest of steps though, to access help.

You need a refuge place.

[sonu678]

you are in a much much more powerful position than you imagine. You just dont know it yet.

Dont scream at him. let him stay in bed. look after your own self and your kids. Bide your time. make a plan. and then kick him out. Some very good advice on here. take it.

im womens aid are completely useless though. The strength has to come from within you.

[fuzzywuzzy]

Can you start slowly moving stuff out without him noticing?

Not official papers or anything, altho I'd keep photocopies of passports and birth certificates at a friends house. I'd remove those originals last.

[Lweji]

Yes, the strength has to come from within you.

You do have it in you. Don't doubt yourself.

Your biggest hurdle is your feeling of being trapped and of helplessness. Work on finding a solution.

WA can be helpful in finding you a place to live and provide practical support while you initially escape this bastard.

Get an initial free solicitor consultation.

If necessary, move out to your DM and ask the council for proper accommodation, etc.

[Susie86]

Ok, I do have time, he has never been violent and isn't going to attack me while I'm pregnant. Emotonally he's vicious, but I'm not fleeing for fear of my life.

I can't really do amythng in secret unless I leave at 4 am, because I have to go through a building full of customers to get to my car and he'd probably notice me lugging my stuff through the house. But if I take some time I can post some stuff off and then say I'm going to visit my mother, which I do in the school holidays and leave then.

[catsmother]

Susie - I know it's impossible not to let your mind run away with itself and fret about the "small" things like sewing machines, but really, stuff like that pales into insignificance against the wider picture of abuse and protecting yourself and the kids. If your safety comes at the price of having to leave behind a car and those particular machines then so be it ..... as Dahlen has said, situations like yours are exactly why (amongst other good reasons) benefits exist, to offer a safety net to those who temporarily can't support themselves as they'd wish.

Please please call WA - I know I sound like a stuck record, but advising you about supporting yourself, about moving possessions, or indeed ways of retrieving them after you leave etc is something they will be able to do - based on your specific circumstances. We can only offer more general advice as obviously you don't want to post specifics here.

[Editededition]

Make your plans with care, OP. Don't let him guess, by a change in your demeanour.
Talk with WA for real support.

Above all, when you go, try to take copies of bank statements, with you. Alongside the published figures for companies submitting returns to companies house, you can the clearly demonstrate to any court what his actual earnings are.

Good luck. You are making the right choice. No-one should live this way.

[BOF]

He is violent if he can rape you in your sleep (and it is rape, especially as he knew specifically that you did NOT want to have sex during your fertile period).

I can't add to the good advice you've been given, but I'd like to echo that you really do have more options than you think. Women's Aid will be able to help you with solicitors etc.

I will say though, that I have felt myself utterly trapped like you before, and I understand your fears and hopelessness. Turns out that once I'd set it in motion, it was a lot easier than I thought, and such a weight off my mind that I was delirious with relief.

I wish you the very best of luck with it- you are stronger than you think, and there is a much happier life out there for you.

[mrsmartin1984]

He clearly has no respect for you. Leave. And yes having sex with you while you are asleep is rape. Leave this controlling abusive man. Don't try and defend him. It may be the hardest thing you you to to do. But seriously, do you want your daughters to grow up thinking this is the way to be treated? Some things are more important then money. Leave with just the clothes on your back if you have too

[ThatVikRinA22]

He sounds more like a victorian dad than a husband OP. I suspect if you were to see a solicitor you would feel in a much more powerful position.

start to make tracks - see a solicitor. asap. and dont hold back - you must tell them about this unreasonable behaviour.

you are simply another of his posessions - like his business or car. You could be so much happier without him.

[MatildaWhispers]

Please do talk to WA to get practical help to leave him.

Having sex with you to deliberately get you pregnant when you didn't want to be pregnant is horrific.

[hoppingmad]

You sound like me several years ago . I left uni to move in with ex. He controlled me, abused me in my sleep and I was always doing something 'wrong'. He had me convinced I was useless and would never cope without him.

You've had some great advice so all I want to add is that when I left I was scared about surviving financially too. Truth was I'd never had such financial freedom and I was actually better off! Don't get me wrong, the benefits weren't like the inflated amounts regularly making headlines but the money was mine and I was careful with it, me and the dc's never went without.

I'm now married and broke again but just wanted to say not to let money worries stop you. We are lucky to live in a country with help for people like you & me.

[lavenderhoney]

I too think if his staff are calling you to get him out of bed, then they already know what he is like. Staying in this situation to protect his reputation doesn't really make sense.

Calling women's aid and taking advice is a good start, and solicitors often take their fee from final settlements, so when you call round, check they do that first, so you don't waste your time.

Tell your Mw too, what you are going through. It will help you. If he doesn't want to go with you for scans, go without him. It will give you time to think and prepare anyway.

Yes, get in contact with your dad if its to do with your marriage at all why you don't talk. If your dm is broke, she can still offer support emotionally? Could you stay there whilst you wait for a house? You will get benefits to help you.

Get copies of passports, marriage certs, a solicitor will sort out his business interests and gain access to his finances, don't worry about that.

Do you have a date in mind? By Christmas, say? Or sooner?

Be careful with your computer. Remove all history and log out. Can you buy yourself a cheap mobile for solictors and WA? And keep it on silent in your handbag, hidden?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'm just glad you're leaving. I don't think you should wait too long, even if that means you end up leaving a few things behind or you don't have much money. When your new baby arrives you'll feel less like disrupting your life, the temptation will be to give it another shot and you'll lose another couple of years of your life. So I'd suggest that's the deadline to hit.... give birth free of your rapist. Good luck

[TroublesomeEx]

My situation wasn't the same as yours but I wanted to just say one thing to you.

I was worried that when my abusive behind closed doors but absolute sweetness and light when in public husband had an affair and walked out, people would assume it was all my fault and wonder what I had done to deserve it.

On the contrary, many people said that there was always something about him they didn't like but that they would never have said anything because they didn't see anything really tangible, it was just a sense they had about him from some of the things that they had seen/he'd said that I'd not even registered.

People aren't daft. x

[captainmummy]

I'm on Surrey/Sussex borders, OP and can look after your sewing machines if you can get them to me? Tell him you are taking them to a friend to help her learn to sew, or something.

[NettleTea]

Or when you go to your mum take them with you saying you are going to make some things for the baby while your mum looks after the little ones....

[OvertiredandConfused]

Could your mum need to borrow the machines or get them serviced?

I'm in a central London office and could store them.

[UneSourisVerte]

OP, I haven't read the whole thread yet (will get back to it), but I wanted quickly to post this link www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/. They may be able to help you.

Apologies for any cross-posts.

You're not alone OP, we're all behind you.

[Lemonylemon]

OP: I'm also in the City if this is any use for storing things....