AIBU to be annoyed at DH

[MisselthwaiteManor]

I have a 13 week old who screams all evening, 3-4 hours almost solidly, she has done this for weeks. She also has reflux which is controlled pretty well during the day but this screaming often sets off a vomit fest.

I have PND and anxiety and basically just hate being alive right now and this screaming doesn't help.

DH often works late (to 11pm) but after me calling him home in tears several times his boss allowed him to change his hours so he could work earlier and get home at a normal time. This happened for one week, DH has now switched his hours (by choice, not his bosses say-so) to working till 11pm EVERY FUCKING WEEKDAY

I am on day one of this and the baby is screaming right now and I am feeling like he has done this on purpose so he doesn't have to deal with it and I can't see past the next 3 hours let alone doing this every day for the next however many years.

I have no other local support and he knows this. I fucking hate him right now and I feel like telling him to not bother coming home. I don't know if my judgement is being clouded by this incessant noise and stress but I don't want to see his face after he has done this to me.

She will be angelic when he comes home so he is of no use to me then.

[YouTheCat]

Both mine were like that. Screamed blue murder from 7pm (when ex would go to the pub) and not stop till 11. (when he came back)

Dd stopped around 6 weeks. Ds didn't until he started solids (at 14 weeks - yes I know but it was the 90s). It was a total nightmare and you have my sympathy.

It won't be forever, it just feels like it right now.

OP your dp sounds like an utter knobend.

[cerealqueen]

Would colief help at all?

[magicstars]

Bless you, it sounds awful for you and you are doing a great job on your own. You won't change him- he has to be the one to do this, if and when he's ready. Hard though it is, for now focus on yours and dd's well-being and let him sort himself out. Can you stay closer to your family/friends? Also speak to your Gp about talking therapies if you haven't already, or if you can afford it, pay for some NLP sessions to help you through.

Re dd: She probably is too big for swaddling now. Hopefully the gro bag will help. You can get groswaddles in mothercare which are fab, but I don't know what size they go up to.

Good luck.

[VashtaNerada]

Really sorry to jump to the end of the thread without reading it all (hate it when people do that!) but I was in a very, very similar situation to you. DH became a complete twunt after DD was born, DD was a nightmare, I was at the end of my tether. It worked out fine. DH came to his senses, DD got better, I started to get my life back. IT WILL GET BETTER

[MisselthwaiteManor]

I will take her back to the doctor but I don't think the screaming is down to the reflux because it's only for a window in the evenings. When her reflux was bad she was steaming through feeds and grunting and whimpering all the time. She's happy as a lamb during the day since being on the meds.

She's had a tiny little nap with her dummy and is now sitting on my lap smiling so I think it's over for tonight.

DH has always been selfish and looking back on our relationship it's just a string of being pissed on by him and giving my all and getting nothing back. I think this working in the evenings probably seems small and irrelevant but it's just the last straw for me and I don't want to even look at his face anymore.

[MisselthwaiteManor]

Sorry what are NLP sessions?

[MisselthwaiteManor]

Im getting angry about this before he is even here but when he comes home he will stand next to me and just stare at me in silence waiting for me to say something. He always does this when he knows I've been uoset and it drives me insane and makes me feel all insecure. It can be for like half an hour until I give up and walk away cos I dot want to talk. I don't want him to come home and do that.

[Tiredmumno1]

Oh marmalade i really fell for you right now.

You have a few options really

1. LTB

1. Do as suggested and bugger off at the weekend, and let him cope.

1. Sit and talk again, until you reach some sort of agreement.

If none can be made ie. he carries on being a selfish git, then maybe resort back to no 1.

I really hate saying that it just doesn't feel right telling someone to leave their DP. It really needs to be your decision, but if you're not happy........

[Lovecat]

(((Whyis))) I'm from The Wirral but in London now, otherwise I'd come over and give you a rest from it all :(

DD had reflux and although the medication helped, every afternoon, regular as clockwork, she would scream and wail in pain from 4pm-6pm. Because DH couldn't get home from work til 6pm I was on my own (all family still on the Wirral!) and I ended up on ADs, it drove me to my limits. The only thing that helped was to hold her bolt upright against my shoulder and walk up and down. Singing. For 2 hours. Looking back I'm surprised I didn't end up going utterly doolally. She did well in a grobag, and eventually, at around 6 months, it settled down.

Your DH is being an arse. Has he said why he changed his hours back? I'm trying to get where his head is with this, but WTF does he think he's playing at?

Do go back to your GP and see if you can get another referral to the Paed. specialist. It took me a few goes before DD got the right balance of medication. We had infacol, ranitidine and domperidone - domperidone (motilium) worked best, also changing her formula (I had to give up bfing at 7 weeks, which was when her reflux problems started) to the 'Comfort' brand (aptamil iirc) really helped with her being sick.

It does get better, but Jesus, your DH certainly isn't helping matters.

[MadBusLady]

Ergh, that sounds weird . Has he told you why he does that? As in, does it feel concerned, or threatening, or what?

[MissStrawberry]

Then walk away if he comes near and doesn't immediately talk.

Put baby to bed, get a bath and into bed with tea/chocolate/magazine and just have your evening.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

The baby sounds like it might be this. DD didn't have reflux but she wailed every evening.

About your OH. He just sounds so manipulative. You can't change his behaviour, just what you do. What do you want to do?

[YouTheCat]

With mine it was colic with dd and reflux and colic with dd.

[Pilgit]

your 'D'H is being a dick. No solutions for you but maybe some comments to help cope with the screaming. My babcia (grandmother) used to say that sometimes babies cry because they are tired and have no other way to use up energy. When you've tried everything else and they still won't stop - remembering this advice has helped to detatch from the torture of listening to it! DD2 also has reflux and would scream for ages for no reason we could see. But it must be horrid for them - tired and heartburn that won't go away. Find some mum and baby groups locally, does the NCT have coffee mornings? Round here there are groups at different places everyday. IT will not help your baby but it will hopefully help you.

Put her down somewhere safe and go somewhere else for 5 minutes. It won't hurt your baby. It was and is advice I have used and it helped. With DD1 we discovered that she just wanted us to leave her alone (thinking that won't help here). It is very easy for all of us to sit here and tell you what you need - what you need is perspective, which is very difficult to obtain when you are tired and locked in this cycle. This is a great place to get advice, support and perspective (and some straight talking).

[BishBashBoshBoo]

That sounds like some kind of wierd control thing.

Is he perhaps not facing up to and accepting how awful he's been but waiting for you to confront him.

Then it can be passed off as you making an issue out of it and then he can rail and 'rebel' against you.

Childish and horrible.

[MisselthwaiteManor]

He doesn't say why he does it but it's him trying to make me talk without him having to say anything first. If I speak he stays quiet which winds me up and then he will sit there quiet with puppy dog eyes and make me feel like Im being a bastard. So I don't bother. It's horrible and makes me feel so small and crappy cos Hes just staring and looming over me.

I've skimmed that link and it does sound familiar, I'll read it properly in a bit.

[MisselthwaiteManor]

^Is he perhaps not facing up to and accepting how awful he's been but waiting for you to confront him.

Then it can be passed off as you making an issue out of it and then he can rail and 'rebel' against you. ^

Omg yes, exactly this.

[BishBashBoshBoo]

That sounds horrible. Does he seem to actually want to put things right? Or is it more like letting you have a rant and then on he goes on his merry way business as usual?

[Tiredmumno1]

Do you do things for him like washing or tidying up after him?

[MisselthwaiteManor]

He forgets it half hour later so its more fristrating than sying nothing at all sometimes.

you're all going to smack your foreheads but yeah, I do everything for him. I cook him hot food to take to work every day and then don't have time to cook for myself while he's at work usually. he has the life of riley

[MakeHayIsAWhaleNow]

He sounds a bit peculiar and very manipulative, tbh. What do you see happening, OP? Can it be resolved or will it fester and get worse? ((())) sounds like you are having a tough time, and I wish I was closer and could help.

[ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged]

You've already had some great advice, but I couldn't read and run. First off, you are not a shitty mother. I'm going to say that again as I think you need it: you are not a shitty mother.

Secondly, this will pass. Her colic will get better, maybe not as soon as you would like, but it will. Sooner than you think, that thrashing little baby will be a toddler hugging you and saying "night night" at bedtime. Honestly.

When ds was at his worst colic-wise, I used to strap him in his buggy or sling and walk round and round the block with him. Sometimes it calmed him down, usually it calmed me down. Often I was stopped by other people who gave me sympathy or support. You are not alone.

I can't advise you re your oh, but counselling might be away forward.

[MisselthwaiteManor]

I can't be bothered with it all tbh, there's always something. I don't want to even see his face again but it's easier to just do nothing, I need to leave at some point though.

[ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged]

Do you have a close friend you could go stay with for a week or so to get help with dd and space to consider the future.?

[BishBashBoshBoo]

What would happen if you didn't make him a hot meal and iron him a shirt etc?

I think you could do with some rl help. Amy family or friends you could stay with (I know they're not local)?

Usually I would advise not to make any rash relationship decisions in the first 6 months of having a baby as survival is the most most of us can aim for! But it sounds as though its gone on for a while.

Frankly OP you sound like you could do better. You're funny, strong, eloquent and those are just the things I can see from this thread. I'm sure there are many more. Can he see those things?

Or does he see someone to iron for him and feed him while he pisses around?