Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How serious would you tell your 30 year old self to be about finding 'the one'?

100 replies

Lastgasp · 31/08/2013 12:05

I should say I don't actually believe in 'the one', but there are people we would want to marry/have kids with and people we would not.

I am approaching 30 and have been dating a lovely man for about six months. We have fun, I'm happy, but I know I don't want a future with him. There are reasons but I don't feel the need to unpick them here, as to me they are valid, and when you know, you know IYSWIM.

My question is, how long should I allow a relationship that makes me happy to continue, if I'm potentially missing out on locking down something long term? I frequently read posts on here by women who say that dating/meeting someone just gets harder and harder the older you get. I sometimes worry that I'm fundamentally immature and turning a blind eye to the fact that everyone around me is getting married etc. Should I continue with something that makes me happy until it naturally tails off, or do I need to be a bit more ruthless about finding someone I do feel a future with? This isn't really a biological clock issue as I absolutely don't want kids now, but I think I do one day.

I should add that he's never seemed fussed about marriage/babies etc so I don't feel I'm wasting his time at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lastgasp · 01/09/2013 15:30

Thanks to everyone who has taken the trouble to respond. I have to say my heart has sunk a little seeing the consensus. I think I was hoping a couple of people would tell me there is value in living for the present a bit!

I think I know I have to end it. The temptation though is to let it go on another week, which becomes another month. Etc. I don't have a reason to give him apart from my original post, and that feels cruel. He's not a bad person, he's not even "unsuitable", he's just not suitable for me but would make someone else a lovely partner I think.

Oh and yes he is older than me. Not "looks like my dad" territory, but enough for me know to appreciate the irony of wondering who would be around by my mid-30s!

Waiting I'd be flexible for the right person but I admit my preference is for first wife/baby territory.

Swallowed I want to be with him now because he makes me happy but I know I don't want a future with him. My issue is I was enjoying my single life and don't necessarily want to find something serious yet - but my whole worry is that by the time I am ready no-one will be left because they'll all be shagging 20somethings.

OP posts:
lotsofcheese · 01/09/2013 16:52

I agree you should finish things, if that's the way you feel.

None of us would want to be with someone who is just "passing time" with us, until something better comes along.

And being with him is stopping you meeting someone you could be better/happier with.

In life, you regret the things you don't do.

Original poster
Lastgasp · 01/09/2013 17:14

"None of us would want to be with someone who is just "passing time" with us, until something better comes along."

Do you think men think this too though? I meet so many who just seem happy to live in the moment.

OP posts:
Salbertina · 01/09/2013 17:28

I think consciously or unconsciously they are just more relaxed in the knowledge that they're far less time-bound Hmm

MadeMan · 01/09/2013 17:33

I have never stayed in a stale relationship and I especially wouldn't now that I'm in my late 30's. It's like anything in life, jobs, relationships, your car; if your not entirely happy with it then change it.

Mumsyblouse · 01/09/2013 17:37

I would rather be in no relationship than a relationship that I was really clear had no future. I was single for much of my twenties for this reason. It's also a bit insulting to the guy, unless he's absolutely fine with no future too. But after six months, I think all the fun's probably been had and the question of the future will start to loom even if you want to keep in the present.

MadeMan · 01/09/2013 17:43

Isn't there an unwritten rule about 6 months being the 'make or break' period as well? Sure I heard that somewhere; one of those old wives tales things probably.

Original poster
Lastgasp · 01/09/2013 17:52

You may be right MM. I thought it was around the three month mark, but I was slightly distracted at that point. Blush.

OP posts:
Salbertina · 01/09/2013 18:18

However hard it is right now and scary, this is a great opportunity- you are realising in time to get out and find what/who you do want. Many of us didnt have your maturity at the same crucial age. I was in deep denial! and in deep shit now as a consequence

lotsofcheese · 01/09/2013 18:29

Lastgasp, I think men are generally far more guilty of "passing time" with women they have no intention of a serious future with.

Again, I find men are generally more scared of being on their own & therefore happy to plod along. And also because they don't have the pressure of the biological clock.

Whilst these are generalisations, I've seen it happen to friends who discover to their cost that their partner never had serious intentions. Usually several years down the line in a relationship.

If only these men had given their partners the courtesy & respect of being honest.

swallowedAfly · 01/09/2013 18:35

good luck telling him. i'd just be honest if i was you. say you don't see you guys having a long term future and you don't want to mess him around. see what he says. though as others have said if you're with someone you won't meet anyone else so if you know in your heart of hearts you want to be finding or at least looking for someone you could 'settle down' with then you should make yourself available to that.

seriously though - career, friends, home, security is what you want to be worrying about/putting your energy into if you know you want a family some day. that will stand you in great stead.

Zoe900 · 01/09/2013 18:37

I would tell myself to actively, pro-actively look, no WADE through men, but not to settle for a man who stumbled in to my path. So a combination of look harder but bar higher.

Lavenderhoney · 01/09/2013 19:12

If there is no future in it, for you, then my advice would be the same as goldenfools.

When you are with someone, you don't meet men with a view to dating, and you don't behave as though you are looking for someone else. You don't want to end up cheating do you?

Its fairer to him to say " look, I really want to be with someone I feel I am going to marry and have dc with ( if that's what you want) and leave him free to find someone who wants to be with him. Not as emotional blackmail, just stating a fact and you are comfortable with the outcome.

Work on your career, friends, hobbies so if " the one" doesn't show, or happens to be married to someone else whilst you potter with mr ok for now, you have at least a fulfilled life.

I think its great you are doing this after 6 months, not 5 years of wondering and hanging on just in case. It takes a lot of courage to leave, in this situation.

Fraxinus · 01/09/2013 22:11

This

I think its great you are doing this after 6 months, not 5 years of wondering

I take back my previous bitter comment. I hadn't actually noticed it was 6 months.

Original poster
Lastgasp · 07/09/2013 17:39

Update: Despite realising what I have to do I've done nothing about it. I don't think I've ever been involved with someone who makes such an effort to make me feel adored and it's really hard to walk away from [Sad]. A friend has suggested I talk through my concerns with him but that feels cruel. There's nothing he can change to improve the odds of us having a future.

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 07/09/2013 17:47

you need to let the poor guy go.

perfectstorm · 07/09/2013 18:04

He's a lovely man, he adores you. Basically if the sex is also good, he's intelligent, you have shared values, a good friendship and he's solvent, I'd think long and hard before passing for someone else.

Prince Charming does not exist, and none of us are Disney princesses, either. The reality is you want a friend and a lover who cares for you and treats you well, and vice versa. That commitment and compatibility is what gets you through the darker times.

If one of those major pieces are missing then I would let him go before you miss the family boat yourself. Allow him to find some reciprocity, poor man.

Original poster
Lastgasp · 07/09/2013 18:14

Perfectstorm don't think I haven't wondered that. I know Prince Charming doesn't exist, but the problem is I flogged a previous relationship to death telling myself that I couldn't hold out for Prince Charming. And then my ex decided that we "deserved" to find our prince and princess...

I don't want to go into the details here but I'm concerned that we are incompatible in one of the factors you list. Unfortunately there's no blood test you can take to work out if the essentials are in place and trying to work out if you're holding out for something unreasonable is hard (one woman's solvent is another woman's not pulling his weight for example).

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 07/09/2013 18:16

No, i appreciate that and I am really sorry if that sounded patronising. I just know a couple of friends who held out for Prince Charming, and are now approaching 40, childless and single.

I don't think a marriage is a good idea if one of the factors is missing, personally, so it seems wise to let him go. Bugger of a choice to have to make, though. Sad

friendslikethese · 07/09/2013 21:25

I am inclined to agree with perfectstorm.

Bumpstarter · 08/09/2013 08:44

Simple question: are you in love with him? (I don't think you have said)

MumblingMummy · 08/09/2013 22:46

Answer to the question, where do all the 30+ men go. The number of male prisoners in the UK stands at roughly 80,000. Add to that the number who flee to the world's cities to make their fortune. What you're left with is a sharply reduced dating pool, made up mainly of 'average' men (with the Alphas and the criminals removed). From this, the much larger (thanks to low incarceration rates) female population has to select a mate. We all want the well-off, good looking, smart, funny, six footers. Is it any wonder then that they get to pick & choose who they date (generally 10 years younger, beautiful, sweet, slim etc.). My advice would be to choose in your mid twenties. After that, it's a bit of a scrum.

Original poster
Lastgasp · 09/09/2013 20:05

Perfectstorm you didn't sound patronising at all, I just meant that it's hard to know.

Bumpstarter, I do. But I have loved others more and imagine I will again.

OP posts:
Bumpstarter · 09/09/2013 22:15

Last gasp. I do as in I do love him, or I am as in I am in love with him? There is a subtle difference between the 2.

Mumbling mummy... Wow, I am shocked by the figure. I guess that does impact on numbers. Also, most of my contemporaries who have sadly died were male. Car accidents, suicides. I wonder if this reflects on the mortality rate of men in their 20's and 3o's?

MumblingMummy · 10/09/2013 03:52

Bumpstarter sorry to hear about your friends losing their lives at such a young age but yes, you are right, the mortality rate among men is far higher than it is for women.

Swipe left for the next trending thread