Marrying into a middle class family

[derbyshire]

I'm working class, fairly well educated but sometimes find myself adrift with my MC in-laws. Been married for 15 years, 3 children in primary school. I think most people would say I'm a good mother: BF kids, they're all doing well at school, nice children etc. but often feel I'm just aping the middle-class mores around me.
My ILs don't understand why I'm not more chilled about birthday parties/dinner parties etc but I've never admitted to them that I never had a birthday party when I was young. Certainly no such thing as a dinner party - dinner was something you ate at noon and never in somebody elses's house!
I get so stressed about all those things they find "normal". I've never joined in with the forcing kids to eat veg - my fussy kids eat more veg than my mother! She won't cook for her GC as she said she didn't know how to cook that "stuff" (pasta).
I admit I'm ashamed to admit how much my childhood varies from their upbringing - food really is a class issue!
Strangely enough, educationally I probably outrank them - its all the niceties of life where I'm lacking. Think I'm probably considered "weird" but we never had drinks/socialising at home. I think the gap has become more pronounced as the years have gone on........just find myself struggling more as the years have gone on. Suppose it just feels more and more false.

[MorrisZapp]

Thanks for noticing my name btw, I love it when Morris gets recognised. Oddly, it makes it odd to read about him. It's like reading about myself :)

[wordfactory]

I'm absolutely certain that most WC folk accept that there are huge flaws in their culture!

Lots of things have been changing precisely because of this!

But that's not to say that the culture is entirely inferior. And that many of us working classes want to rid ourselves entirely just because we get education and brass. We don't. We like to hang on to some of it...

And often this is the sticking point for many MC people. They will tolerate our culture providing we're poor and powerless. But once we're not, they kind of assume we will co opt MC mores. And when we don't we become vulgar and new money...

[MrsFrederickWentworth]

Morris, I agree and think Vic a joy. But Angela's fluffiness in how far can you go is pretty good too, and her rejection of her mother's hard life. ( I think it is Angela). Do you know which are the authors he parodies in the British Museum? I can get no further than Wiki does. But back on class, he dissects with understanding and compassion as well as clarity and humour.

I think it is the lack of tolerance in the OP's ILs that is so unpleasant.

[MrsFrederickWentworth]

Wordfactory, I'm sorry it is like that as it evidently is. But spare a thought also for those of us who are not or try not to be like that, are tarred with the same brush, and whose views are deemed pernicious, inauthentic, ignorable or ignoble just because of birth and breeding, neither of which.are in s child's hands. I can tell you that working in the public sector is a nightmare if you have a cut glass accent. And having one does not imply money nor success.

So a plea for tolerance all round.

[wordfactory]

Oh I agree to tolerance on all sides.

And I certainly get pissed off when my WC family looks askance at my MC children, parodies their accent and generally finds then la-di-dah.

But to be honest, I don't shed any big fat tears for my DC, because ultimately they well and trully have the upper hand; and both they and my family know it.

[springytoto]

Lodge? Lodge? Who's Lodge?

Let us in on your party, do

My brother was shockingly rude to my posh husband - toe-curling. Inverted snobbery. twas gruesome.

Living cheek by jowl with the MC has certainly given me a compassion and understanding for erm them. there seems to be a lot of guilt and obligation sewn into that culture - probably linked to the christian heritage. But as the influence of the church is fading, guilt and obligation seems to be fading too; though I don't think you can wipe out the bedrock of a culture - guilt and obligation remain deep down imo.

And God help you if you are a christian and have to weather the domination of MC mores in the contemporary church - they are convinced this is how it is, how God intended it. What with Jesus being middle eastern and all not tall and blonde. yes that's negative. it pisses me off

Where are you OP?

[burberryqueen]

David Lodge
here
had a memorable character called Morris Zapp of Euphoric State Uni
but if you want a 'campus novel' sorry but Zadie Smith has knocked Dave off his perch with 'On Beauty'

[springytoto]

I'm probably going to be allowed to be negative about the church

[MorrisZapp]

David Lodge, comic novelist and blimmin' genius. You should read him Springy, he is lapsed Catholic and has plenty so say about guilt and obligation.

There are a million shades of MC, just as there are WC. My lot are atheist and laugh in the face of religious dogma, guilt etc.

However there is the issue of liberal guilt for us, angsting about homelessness, famine, homophobia, equal rights, poverty, global warming etc. But at least we're engaged with stuff and we give a shit, that's how I see it anyway.

[burberryqueen]

and you are right springytoto C of E is veh MC - morning!

[springytoto]

Morning burberry !

You're looking very checkery today

[springytoto]

Talking of burberry check....!

I just adore how the young WC took on/over the burberry check - the badge of the (U)MC

And how Burberry distanced itself from the check to try to get back its loyal UMC custom

Snobbery eh. It's so funny

(except when it's vile, of course)

[burberryqueen]

thanks and you are looking very....springy...
interesting point about the burberry check, one of the reasons behind my namechoice.....
here I am being evicted.....

[springytoto]

(and how long did that mac last up there? I'd have nicked it )

[burberryqueen]

lol , not sure....good pic tho!
I really hate vile snobbery too, I might joke about salad creme but the real thing is so nasty...(like my brother for example who looks down his nose at all of us and visibly cringes if anyone utters the word 'toilet')

[springytoto]

oh hang on. Was that really you getting evicted?

[burberryqueen]

no no!
I lived there years ago when the children were tiny.
still sad though.....

[FrauMoose]

Any thoughts on 'lounge'? My parents had one. As well as 'serviettes'.

[burberryqueen]

if you say 'lounge' he twitches and foams lightly at the mouth.
Needless to say I taught my children to say LOUNGE LOUNGE LOUNGE!!!

[FrauMoose]

It's been a long thread. He = 'Darling Husband'???

[downunderdolly]

My grandmother categorised people into those that said 'Drawing' and those that said 'DrawRing' (winced at lounge, serviette and toilet). We used to stay with her during summer and go to 'drama' classes. Imagine my mother's rage when it turned out 'drama' classes were in fact elocution classes .

Now dreaming of salt and vinegar crisp sandwiches on white bread with salad cream .

[springytoto]

Lounge? Front room! (where you sit on the couch)

[springytoto]

I host foreign students and I am aware I probably teach them stuff that is not er.... er....

I realise I have been in a quandary about what to call the wipe-mouth-at-table things so I call it kitchen paper 'Go and get 4 squares of kitchen paper for the table, Brigitte'

[springytoto]

(We didn'[t wipe our mouths at the table when we were kids. We mopped everything up with a slice of white bread)

I was not born in a shoe box in the middle of the road, no.

[burberryqueen]

He = 'Darling Husband
Good God no, my charming brother whom I have not actually seen since his society wedding ten years ago.(at which i was made to feel like a total cunt, so that is the upper classes for you)