Men shouldn't get married before age 30...

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

... said a friend to me this weekend as yet another young couple in her family break up just a few years after they were being wished well with confetti and pledging eternal love. Sweeping, wine-fuelled and very sexist statement I'll grant you, but led to a really interesting conversation about the perils of settling down too young and the relative emotional maturity of men vs women. Being on the wrong end of a 'starter marriage' in the past I tend to agree but there you have it vipers. A controversial statement to be shot down or propped up at your leisure.

I married at 20 and had first child at 22.

I'm not sure if I will ever truly know myself or what I want from life. Life just is. It ticks by in the background while you're waiting for that revelatory moment that may never come.

Life has to be lived - and all the waiting around for the right moment is still life. There's no dress rehearsal.

I agree for the most part too.

I married the first time at aged 18, he was 24. I wasn't mature enough to pick the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Some people marry young and do well but it seems to be the exception, not the rule.

I re-married when I was 27, so still young but close-ish to 30 However, having a failed marriage sure teaches you exactly what you want for the next time around.

missbopeep - and that same page discusses that the last group is more likely to die before reaching their 30th anniversary which kind of skews things a bit.

Interestingly, when you read the back-up stats, the divorce based on age of the wife at marriage is pretty much level between 20 and 44 (all in the 30k range, slight decrease with age most years), no big jumps, but for the husband's age at marriage, the number is far bigger the older they get (20-24: ~28k, 25-29: ~36k, 30-44: 43K). Under 20s and Over 45s are very small but mostly due to low numbers that marry then. So maybe it's better for a man to marry young and a woman to marry whenever - don't seem to get better with men when they're older.

I look back and I can't remember actually thinking about anything! I floated into marriage at 22 with my first ever proper boyfriend (3 yrs older than me), divorced at 27 with a baby after he ran off with a 17yr old. Believe me if my kids told me they were getting married in their early twenties I would be having words. Strong ones.

I disagree, Dh and I were married to each other at 23 we celebrate 28 years this year. It's not easy it's been hard work sometimes. I wished him harm on quite a few occasions but we worked hard at it. I think it doesn't work when one person is doing all the work and the other is an arse and does nothing to make it work.

Where are you getting the stats from? I can see the ONS main marriage and divorce page but no links to stats about age at marriage and length of marriage.

dh and I met at 19, married at 25 and had children at 28/29. We had a major hiccup in our early thirties, but 10 years later are going strong. A fair few of my friends met their partners much much later and so married and had children much later. It's difficult to compare the strengths of a relationship that's 4/5 years old and one that's 20 years old. Who knows if they will stay the course (obviously I hope that they will).

I don't think that dh was any more or less mature than me, or any better or worse a parent and he is younger than me (abet only by 7mths). Seems a bit unwise to wait to commit until you are in your thirties as then the pressure to have children while you can is so high. I also think that as men (in general) die earlier than women opting for an older husband is perhaps a bit short sighted.

On the whole, I'd agree, especially for this generation. It was fairly common for people to settle down in their early 20's in the 80's/90's, but nowadays life is very different & I feel people have different experiences eg traveling, living away etc.

Of all the couples I know who were together in their late teens/early 20's, not one has survived into our 40's. Not all were married though. But I think it's reflective of how much we change in our 20's & often outgrow it.

There are exceptions to every rule though & I do know a few who have met young & are happy.

I dunno.

My dad became one in 1979 when he was 18 and my brother was born. (I came along not quite three years later). He is, and has always been, a lovely dad. One of my absolute favorite people in the world. My mom (same age as my dad) and I have had our ups and downs but she was a decent, consistent parent. They got married five months before my brother was born and still are, happily.

DH and I got married in 2006; I was 24 and he was almost 27. I discovered I was pregnant (surprise!) three weeks later. I had DS and then DD. We are very happy. Most of the time. Sometimes he opens the dryer, sees the clothes are still wet, and doesn't turn it back on. Then I want to keeeel him. :o

I think it's a bit of a cultural thing too...we live in rural midwest America. There is money to be had at a young age here, through mining, logging, farming, etc. I know plenty of people who are married with kids and owning their own houses (usually with a goodish amount of land, too) in their 20's. Nobody lives any kind of "fancy" life, but we're all pretty content. :)

And then (speaking of the cultural stuff) my dad's younger brother went off to live in Manhattan and didn't get married or have children or really "settle down" until he was 40. He's not uncommon in his circle. When I went to visit him when I was 19 his friends were shocked that he could have a niece so old. :) His daughter and my son are almost the same age.

I cant believe people got married young and didnt plan everything We planned how many children, where we wanted to live, all finances, what we would do after our children were born in regards to work, future career plans etc all planned a long time before our wedding.

I think that things have changed a lot, and regardless of whether they should or the shouldn't, they can't afford it.

What they shouldn't do is go straight from a mother who does everything to a wife. They need to have been independent, cleaned bathrooms, sewn on buttons, cooked their own meals etc.

I re-married when I was 27, so still young but close-ish to 30 However, having a failed marriage sure teaches you exactly what you want for the next time around.

Disagree, because divorce rates for second, third marriages are even worse.
The answer to the OP, is it depends with the person.

I dont see how young people cant afford it? Many move out so whats the difference if they move out and get married? It doesnt have to be a rip off to get married, and if they are the type that go for a really over the top fancy wedding they probably wont be the type to be married for life anyway.

Only read the OP so far, but you'll get no argument from me Cogito.

I was 23 when we married and dh was 25; we'd been together 2.5 years. Our first child was born when I was 28 and he nearly 30. Been married nearly 13 years. It worked, and continues to work, for us. Dh has always been the responsible, family type; he spent a lot of time with his family well into his early 20s, and lived at home until just before we married (long distance relationship for the first couple of years) apart from 2y in the army. He was always domestically competent, though, good cook, good baker, not naturally tidy or organised but perfectly capable of cleaning upafter himself.

I definitely had no idea who I was when I married and to a certain extent married the first bloke who asked me. I just turned 30...we're two DC and 7 years into marriage and yes I have countless times wondered if I made the right choice but then we have nights like tonight where we reconnect and actively work on our relationship and I think it will stay the course.

Disagree about important conversations pre marriage only happening to older couples - we discussed parenting, career goals, life's shit list etc well before engagement let alone marriage.

Who knows. Both of us have parents who married young, mine just celebrated 36yrs of marriage, his divorced after about 9. I would say if we were ever in the situation of "giving up" on our marriage, DH would cling tighter to it than I, precisely because he comes from a divorced marriage.

dh and I discussed stuff when we first decided to live together, when we decided that the commitment was long term, and when we got married. That doesn't mean that those plans didn't change though!

We never even talked about emigrating (probably the biggest thing we've done as a family) because it wasn't even on the cards for many years. We didn't particularly talk about having children because it wasn't a big interest to either of us until a while after we got married, and our original thoughts about childcare arrangements changed too as dh's original career choice didn't work out. I am sure that there will be plenty of as yet unknown changes/challenges in the future too.

I hate the way society makes out that if you get married its the end of having fun, or you will never do fun things. Its a complete lie, you do everything the same but all with the love of your life.

Hear what people are saying about having married solid, dependable types at 21 and never regretting it. Expected that...

I think my friend's view (and my own) are coloured by the fact that, in all the young marriages that fell apart, it was the responsible young woman who had 'got' the concept of a long-term adult partnership, especially where there were children involved. Whereas the young men in each case had proved to be irresponsible, immature & selfish, acting like single teenagers and 'rebelling' against something they'd voluntarily chosen. Fine in the dating phase but, faced with the reality of mortgages, children, jobs and all the rest, falling well short and behaving like knobs.

Why, we wondered, did this type get married in the first place if they had no intention of giving up wine, women and song? Why make promises they can't keep and write cheques they can't cash? Is marriage just another impulsive act for them... a grand gesture that they can't sustain?

There are always going to be some men like that, same as there are naive young women who dont even discuss future plans and only think of weddings. In fact there are many people in their 20s/30s who are this ridiculous.

I agree, i needed three years living alone in my late twenties to get to know me.

I think I probably agree. But would say the optimum age is 28-35. IME as people get into their late 30's, early 40's they do become very set in their ways also physical health can realisticaly start to fail before the dcs are independent (perversely this is more likely if you have had an extended adolescence).

Having said that I don't think anyone should get married unless they realy want to. (A lot of keeping up with the Jones in my social circle)

FWIW DH and I met at 22 and 23, had Ds at 28 and 29 and married at 29 and 30.